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i_Am_andaJoy
the dischord in the thrum...
Joined: Sep 28, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 1172
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
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 Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 4:53 pm Post subject: Fantasy. Reality. Settling for Mr. Good Enough? |
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I live with a guy. He's nice. He puts up with me. I tell him pretty often that i appreciate his niceness, but i don't find him very physically/mentally attractive, and i don't think i will ever be madly in love with him. He usually just shrugs when i make these comments and says he is aware that i am a nut, and he loves me anyway, and that i should stay with him.
(and of course, i do stay, because i really don't have another choice regardless, i can't live by myself or afford to.)
but even though i feel he is not my "dream guy," i feel like i should be realistic about my options. that i should "settle."
what is comes down to, is that... if i was 100% healthy and functional, i should and would be with someone else. but i'm not. i'm somewhat broken, as is he. he can't read and i am crazy, and so that balances out. the kind of person i WANT would not want someone broken, they would want an equal partner... which i can't be, so that won't happen for me in this lifetime.
but even though i know i will never get the fantasy, and that i should accept the reality of things, and that i am luckier than most, i just... can't. i can't make myself feel attraction. i can't stop feeling sad and conflicted about it. but i can't see what else i can possibly do...
thoughts? suggestions? anyone in a similar situation?
_________________
www.asaspiepie.blogspot.com
Even in his lowest swoop, the mountain eagle is still higher than the other birds upon the plain, even though they soar. --Herman Melville
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ToadOfSteel
Extremist Moderate
Joined: Sep 24, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 2819
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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If you're like me, the attraction would build over time. (of course, there's no guarantee that you're like me in that respect, but there is a possibility...)
I guess the only questions to ask yourself are:
1) Are you two happy together?
2) Is this something that won't degenerate into trying to kill each other?
3) Will it work in the long term?
Also, one more thing to keep in mind: The fact that you're with someone and it works makes you more fortunate than at least 75% of the people on this forum...
PS: Don't keep saying you're crazy. NT's call you that because they're afraid of you... |
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i_Am_andaJoy
the dischord in the thrum...
Joined: Sep 28, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 1172
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 5:19 pm Post subject: |
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| ToadOfSteel wrote: |
I guess the only questions to ask yourself are:
1) Are you two happy together?
2) Is this something that won't degenerate into trying to kill each other?
3) Will it work in the long term?
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sadly, i am not like you. i've known him 4 years so far.... but as for these questions:
1. i am not happy, but i am certainly MORE happy with him than i would be all alone. and he says he is happy.
2. well, he is not violent. i am another story. but no serious injuries so far. 
3. maybe. i don't know. i'd like to have kids someday and i think he'd be an ok dad, but i'm not that thrilled about passing on his genetics. mine are enough to curse a kid with. we've lived together for about a year and i can stand to live with him i guess. i have my own room. he says if we got married i could still have my own room. 
_________________
www.asaspiepie.blogspot.com
Even in his lowest swoop, the mountain eagle is still higher than the other birds upon the plain, even though they soar. --Herman Melville
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ToadOfSteel
Extremist Moderate
Joined: Sep 24, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 2819
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 5:33 pm Post subject: |
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| i_Am_andaJoy wrote: | | sadly, i am not like you. i've known him 4 years so far.... but as for these questions: |
| Quote: | | 1. i am not happy, but i am certainly MORE happy with him than i would be all alone. and he says he is happy. |
That is the important part. A bad relationship can mean you would feel happier being alone. Also, check to see if he feels the same way. Would he be happier on his own or not?
| Quote: | | 2. well, he is not violent. i am another story. but no serious injuries so far. |
I meant that more figuratively than literally. I was aiming more towards preventing ugly divorce proceedings if it didn't work out...
| Quote: | | 3. maybe. i don't know. i'd like to have kids someday and i think he'd be an ok dad, but i'm not that thrilled about passing on his genetics. mine are enough to curse a kid with. we've lived together for about a year and i can stand to live with him i guess. i have my own room. he says if we got married i could still have my own room. |
Having a kid would help cement the relationship. And aspie parents make better parents for an aspie or autie kid than NT parents do, since the aspie parents have an innate understanding the condition... My mother is an aspie, and I turned out quite well... |
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RogueProcess
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jun 22, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 190
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 6:17 pm Post subject: |
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| I have to say, if you're not happy after 4 years, then it's most likely only going to get worse. Sure, being alone sucks, but I have always found it preferable to being in a somewhat hurtful relationship. Sure, there's no such thing as Mr. Perfect, but that's no reason to settle for merely adequate. |
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ToadOfSteel
Extremist Moderate
Joined: Sep 24, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 2819
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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| She said she was happier in the relationship than being alone. If that applies to both partners, and there isn't any abuse involved, I see no reason for a relationship to continue (although these conditions can change over time, so you have to constantly re-evaluate...) |
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i_Am_andaJoy
the dischord in the thrum...
Joined: Sep 28, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 1172
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 6:49 pm Post subject: |
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| RogueProcess wrote: | | I have to say, if you're not happy after 4 years, then it's most likely only going to get worse. Sure, being alone sucks, but I have always found it preferable to being in a somewhat hurtful relationship. Sure, there's no such thing as Mr. Perfect, but that's no reason to settle for merely adequate. |
the relationship is not hurtful.
so you do not think anyone should settle for adequate then? why not?
you are 22. it might be easier to have hope in "true love" or "the one" when you are 22. is that what you are basing your opinion on? that i might find someone better? or just that it is better to be alone if you cannot find love?
do you think that in ten tears you will feel the same? you would rather be alone and depressed than slightly less miserable?
_________________
www.asaspiepie.blogspot.com
Even in his lowest swoop, the mountain eagle is still higher than the other birds upon the plain, even though they soar. --Herman Melville
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MR_BOGAN
Mysterios Dirty Dancer
Joined: Mar 06, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 2005
Location: The great trailer park in the sky!
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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You should break up with him and try and find someone that you are happy with.
It is not fair on him because it sounds like you are just using him and you are with him because you don't feel you can do any better. I actually find that rather selfish, he may be able to find someone that truely loves him.
Either learn to love him or get the hell out of the relationship.
So what if all of a sudden meet your so called Mr Right?? Would you straight away dump your current boyfriend and move on? |
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Fnord
Metasyntactic Variable
Joined: May 07, 2008
Posts: 3658
Location: Pantopia
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:18 pm Post subject: |
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Every partner is "just right" as long as you don't raise your standards too high. I got lucky; my wife is better than "just right" - I sometimes wonder how I deserve someone so classy.
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The leaders of the American automobile industry have been amazingly consistent in their management philosophy, in that they have never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity. |
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Sedaka
Searching For My Catcher in the Rye
Joined: Jul 17, 2006
Age: 26
Posts: 5213
Location: In the recesses of my mind
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TheBladeRoden
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 11, 2005
Age: 24
Posts: 1271
Location: Wisconsin
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:47 pm Post subject: |
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My dating philosophy is aim for the stars, but take the moon if it's offered.
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"I reject your reality, and substitute my own" -Adam Savage |
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i_Am_andaJoy
the dischord in the thrum...
Joined: Sep 28, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 1172
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:03 pm Post subject: |
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| MR_BOGAN wrote: | | You should break up with him and try and find someone that you are happy with. |
i know this is the standard answer. but WHY? i can't just "find someone else." that is not an option. what's so bad about being sort of ok instead of happy?
| MR_BOGAN wrote: | | It is not fair on him because it sounds like you are just using him and you are with him because you don't feel you can do any better. I actually find that rather selfish, he may be able to find someone that truely loves him. |
yes. this is a very good point. and i have actually raised it. several times. i have even said word for word, "i feel like i am basically using you because i can't do any better. don't you want someone who really loves you? if i married you i would be settling."
he said, "so what? settle."
i have been brutally honest and he still chooses to pursue me, so at this point i am past worrying about if i am being selfish or unfair. if he says, "amanda, i KNOW you are selfish. i am ok with it." well. what can you say to that?
| MR_BOGAN wrote: | | Either learn to love him or get the hell out of the relationship. |
well yeah, either of those would be a nice trick. but neither is going to happen anytime soon. i have no desire to be homeless. been there done that.
| MR_BOGAN wrote: | | So what if all of a sudden meet your so called Mr Right?? Would you straight away dump your current boyfriend and move on? |
i don't know what i would do. i can't really imagine that happening. i don't have a lot of interaction with people in the first place. i don't meet many people.
_________________
www.asaspiepie.blogspot.com
Even in his lowest swoop, the mountain eagle is still higher than the other birds upon the plain, even though they soar. --Herman Melville
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i_Am_andaJoy
the dischord in the thrum...
Joined: Sep 28, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 1172
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:09 pm Post subject: |
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| TheBladeRoden wrote: | | My dating philosophy is aim for the stars, but take the moon if it's offered. |
yes.... i think this is how i am feeling.
_________________
www.asaspiepie.blogspot.com
Even in his lowest swoop, the mountain eagle is still higher than the other birds upon the plain, even though they soar. --Herman Melville
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ToadOfSteel
Extremist Moderate
Joined: Sep 24, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 2819
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:34 pm Post subject: |
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| Normally I would say that waiting for someone better to come along would be a wise choice. However, you have something most people would kill for. You have a functioning relationship. That's worth holding on to. Even if you did meet your Mr. Right, would the relationship with him work? |
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Butterflair
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jul 06, 2008
Posts: 170
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| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 12:13 am Post subject: |
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The grass is not always greener on the other side and sometimes what we want is what we have but we just don't know it. How would you feel if he was taken from you suddenly? Would you miss him? Would you want him back? It almost seems that he has empowered you too much and you can't see the good in it. He's giving you unconditional love and support and understands how you function, I don't see how your going to get better. New man different problems. If your not finding him attractive then maybe you can find ways to spice that up. I bet he'd work with you on it. Play out a fantasy, explore your wild side.
Anyway, I think if you get along, you should stay with him. You don't have to get married or have kids but having someone that loves you is very comforting.
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No matter what your age, you don't need to change the world to find love, sometimes all that has to change is you. Be open to the possibilities. |
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