So confused, need help, frustrated (long sorry)

aspiemom1 · Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:44 pm Post subject:

Okay, so I have 2 wonderful sons. They are currently 8 yrs (3rd grade-Aspie dx-Mainstreamed) and 5.5 yrs (Kindergarten-No dx except asthma which he appears to have outgrown-Mainstreamed). So here is my problem in a nutshell. My older son was dxed in sept 2006. He is classic aspie, though very high functioning and extremely high iq. My younger son is supposedly "normal". Now, I understand that mimickry is normal for siblings. This I accept as my sister did this to me when we were young. I know my younger does mimic some of my older's traits, however, he has some legitimately as well. I know he has sensory issues (especially sound). They are both almost hyper social (very inappropriate dangerous type behaviors even though we constantly talk about stranger danger). My younger is a bit more timid than the older when it comes to new people. Both are very inflexible with their routines. Older can be redirected (at times), but younger cannot at ALL. Once he sets his mind to something, thats it, thats the way it has to be or hes in complete meltdown mode. Neither can share much of anything. Everything is always about being first or winning (for both). Younger has started throwing complete tantrums if things are not "his way". Both walk in circles on their toes, though younger just started this since his Kindergarten physical. Both line up/sort all toys and play based on that rather than the normal way to play with cars, trains, legos etc. both have diagnosed anxiety issues as well.

So my question is this, what is actually "normal" behavior for an almost 6 year old? Is this normal? Is this learned behavior (note, younger has been in daycare since he was 6 weeks old for 8-9 hours a day and older was not allowed to play with him or be in the same class as him due to age differences, so most of the day he has not been with his brother for almost 6 years)? Should I have younger tested as well?

The reason this is coming up is because for the passed 2 days at school, younger has had a very very very difficult time. Today he lost it entirely and the teacher took him to the school counselor to try to have her help him make sense of "having a good day after having a bad moment". He lost it in music when he wanted to "help" (do something his way) and the teacher did not allow it (completely understandable) so he had a meltdown. His classroom teacher was told about the incident and his behavior clip was moved from green (good day) to yellow (minor incident) at which point he lost it. So the teacher sent him to the restroom to calm himself, at which point he started screaming at the top of his lungs that he didnt ever want to come back to school etc... At this point the teacher moved his clip to orange (major incident, and I dont blame her). She then took him to talk to the counselor. Now they convinced him that he was ok, and that he could have a "good" afternoon, which he did for the most part. Now, I know my younger son is stubborn to say the least. And I know he can be very very difficult to deal with. I have talked with him over and over about acceptable behavior at home and at school and out in public places. When he wants to be, he is a perfect angel. However, when he digs in he gives my older son a run for his money in the meltdown category.

Sorry this is so long, but they are both soooo different from each other and I dont know what to do or which way to turn now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. (side note, it was in kindergarten that we started truly seeing there was an issue with my older son.)
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self-dxed Aspie, and mother of dx's AS son and NT son with shadow traits