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spudnik
Ain't I a Stinker
Joined: Feb 20, 2008
Posts: 3774
Location: Calgary, Alberta Canada
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 Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a lightbulb?
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, one to change it and two to talk about Lord Bryon's Grand Tour and
creative uses of laudanum in a metaphysical environment.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, but one has to light the candle.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just embrace the darkness.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to replace the UV tube, and one to put Floodland on.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
We have candles.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the lights wouldn't be one anyway.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it for a purple bulb and one to plug the smoke machine in.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, five to scream "Turn that bloody light off!"
How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope!
Why is it so hard for goths to get work?
Because all they can do is mope the floors are depress the buttons.
What's another name for a goth girl?
A Crow-ho.
Two goths are having sex. (Strange, I know, but true.) Suddenly, the girl
goth comes.
"Darling, darling!" says the boy goth, "what's wrong?"
"Nothing," says the girl goth, "nothing at all. Why?"
"You moved."
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Chibi_Neko
Want a Cookie
Joined: Oct 24, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 1227
Location: Newfoundland, Canada
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 1:59 pm Post subject: |
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A teen boy was working at a convenience store for a summer job and saw a nun walk in and go to the alcohol section.
The nun brought a large bottle of rum to the check out and the teen looked at her with a confused expression on his face, the nun smiled and said "this is actually for the mother superior, she has bad constipation"
The teen slowly nodded and took the payment for the rum.
At the end of the shift, the teen left the store and locked it up, he saw the nun with the opened bottle of rum, stumbling around and hiccuping, the teen ran to the nun
"I thought that rum was for your mother superior's constipation!" the teen accused
"It is" The nun replied, "she sh**t herself right after she saw me drunk in the street"
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Humans are intelligent, but that doesn't make them smart. |
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Deus_Imperator
Deinonychus
Joined: Jun 14, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 330
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 7:27 pm Post subject: |
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Credit for this joke goes to Dave Allen.
There's this policeman standing on the street when he sees a drunk coming around the corner with a penguin tied on a piece of string. So he says
"Oi. What are you doing with that penguin?"
The drunk replies
"Well ... I was walking down the road and he was there. This little penguin, all alone."
The cop says
"Well take him to the zoo."
The next day the cop's on duty and he sees coming around the corner the drunk with a penguin.
"Oi!" He says, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The drunk says
"I did and he liked it! So I'm taking him to the library now!"
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Vale Omnes |
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twoshots
Honorary Vertebrate
Joined: Nov 27, 2007
Posts: 2115
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject: |
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Q: What do you call 300 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
(heard that from a lawyer...)
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"The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter."
-Winston Churchill |
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coregazer
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Posts: 450
Location: Uk, England, Cheshire
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 12:18 pm Post subject: |
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this one is quite funneh.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
credit to Comedy Central website. i think its a television channel o_O. never heard of it though. perhaps american?
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Coregazer |
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Chibi_Neko
Want a Cookie
Joined: Oct 24, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 1227
Location: Newfoundland, Canada
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:51 pm Post subject: |
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Here's one for the Canadians
A eldery lady went to the doctor because her husband wasn't performing well in the bedroom, the doctor filled a prescription for her, "Just get your husband to take one of these pills once a day and he should do much better.
The woman sighed "My husband isn't going to take these, he hates having to take pills, he doesn't even like to take multi-vitamins"
"well" The doctor said "tell you what, these pills are quite chalky, try crushing it up and put the powder in his morning coffee when he's not looking, and come back in a week to see how things are going"
"That just might work!" the woman agreed, she took the prescription and made an appointment.
A week passed and the woman came back to the doctor. The doctor asked how did everything go,
"Aweful! Just terrible" The woman replied.
"Is something wrong? Did the pills work at all?" the doctor asked
"Oh they worked all right" the woman began "but it was so fast, afrer my husband drank the coffee, he smiled at me, had the twinkle in his eye and we had sex right then and there on the table"
"So the pills did work, was the sex good?" the doctor asked
"Oh it was the best sex I had in 20 years!" the woman breathed
The doctor was very confused now, "I don't understand, the pills worked, and you said the sex was great, what's the problem?"
"The sex was great" the woman agreed, "but I don't think I will ever be able to show my face at Tim Hortons again!"
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Humans are intelligent, but that doesn't make them smart. |
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Fnord
Metasyntactic Variable
Joined: May 07, 2008
Posts: 3658
Location: Pantopia
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They would all rather curse the darkness.
Q: How many Californians does it taqke to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to actually change it, and three more to sahre the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five; One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to share the experience.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
_________________
The leaders of the American automobile industry have been amazingly consistent in their management philosophy, in that they have never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity. |
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Chibi_Neko
Want a Cookie
Joined: Oct 24, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 1227
Location: Newfoundland, Canada
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 4:12 pm Post subject: |
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Here's Newfie joke:
A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.
The American was afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair.
He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free.
They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair.
Once again, the chair didn’t work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfoundlander’s turn to pick how he was to be executed.
He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".
_________________
Humans are intelligent, but that doesn't make them smart. |
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Chibi_Neko
Want a Cookie
Joined: Oct 24, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 1227
Location: Newfoundland, Canada
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 4:36 pm Post subject: |
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A few more Newfie jokes:
George Phillips of Grand Falls, NFLD was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed.
The officer asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no".
The officer replied that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an armed response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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A Newfie walks into a souvenir shop in St. John's. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.
He took it to the counter. "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," the owner said.
The Newfie gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat. You can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying the rat, he soon noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him.
This was disconcerting, so he began walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the harbour, but looking back he saw that the rats now numbered in the millions, were squealing ever louder, and coming toward him faster and faster. Now scared, he broke into a run, then a full Olympic sprint to the edge of the harbour where he threw the bronze rat as far out as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and they all drowned.
The man walked back to the souvenir shop.
"Aha!" said the owner. "You have come back for the story."
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician"
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Humans are intelligent, but that doesn't make them smart. |
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DJRnold
Velociraptor
Joined: Jan 25, 2008
Age: 17
Posts: 490
Location: Barrie, Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: |
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Why were the extra-terrestrials confused when the human race came to an end?
They couldn't figure out who the winner was! |
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