 
Support Wrong Planet Awareness!
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Triangular_Trees
What is right is sometimes found on the left.
Joined: Jul 18, 2007
Posts: 2053
|
 Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 4:46 am Post subject: Question for those who felt worthless or suicidal as a child |
 |
|
Do you think your parents yelling at you would have stopped you feeling suicidal?
There is a parent in the parents forum who thinks that yelling at her son to stop saying he's an idiot will keep him from having negative thoughts about himself. IMO thats one of the actions that will most guarantee he will always feel like an idiot and will end up commiting suicide.
So please comment on your related experiences to this parent. Even if you disagree with me. After all the goal should be in finding out whats best for the child so that he stops having such negative thoughts about himself
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp1639213.html#1639213 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Asma
Butterfly
Joined: Aug 12, 2008
Posts: 16
Location: Southern England
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 5:26 am Post subject: |
|
|
My son often tells me he is dumb. I tell him no he isn't. Often he will repeat that he is dumb, even after i've pointed out he got a lvl 5 in SAT's in science (he is 11).
I know he has been called it a lot a school, which is why I think he believe's it.
So lately i've tried tickling him into 'I'm gorgeous.', to make a game of it.
Sometimes it works and if it doesn't then I stop after a short while and tell him he is gorgeous, intelligent and I love him.
What I would like to know, is this a good approach to try or do you have any suggestions?
Thanks |
|
| Back to top |
|
DevonB
Toucan
Joined: Mar 14, 2008
Age: 40
Posts: 262
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 8:58 am Post subject: |
|
|
I have a son that if he isn't on his meds will talk about suicide and how useless he is, and he is only 8. I lay with him and tell him how much I love him, talk to him about how smart he is, point out things he's done that are really great, and just talk at him for as long as it takes.
In between times I compliment him, make sure I tell him I love him, have friends over in an environment where they are one on one, which he better at than in group settings. I've also enrolled him in camps where he doesn't know anybody, that way he can make new friends who have no preconceived ideas about him.
What causes this? He has AS, he may already be depressive, who knows? I keep him on his meds (although as noted, we'll miss one occasionally) and am supportive as possible. The meds are key. He's on Strattera initially for his ADD, but it helps anxiety too, which helps his socialization.
It's hard. No child at that age should think these thoughts. But yelling will NOT help. Encouragement, kindness, love and yes, even tickling helps. I try and create a strong bond with him so that at least he has me. It's tough on these kids. I have AS as well, so I do understand. I try and explain how I managed. I don't want to loose this child to depression or suicide, and I'll do whatever necessary to prevent it. |
|
| Back to top |
|
schleppenheimer
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 01, 2006
Posts: 970
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 9:03 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I'm the parent who was talking about this situation in another thread, and talking about how previously, all that I had done calmly had not worked to help my child see that negative talk wasn't a good thing for his self-esteem. When DevonB said "I'll do whatever necessary to prevent it," that absolutely reflects how I (and I'm sure most parents) feel. It's a real concern, and it wasn't necessarily that we felt that yelling on a consistent basis would help -- just that it seemed to help in this one instance where we were frustrated by everything else we had tried NOT helping. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Nan
Phoenix
![]()
Joined: Mar 02, 2006
Posts: 3158
Location: left coast
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 12:08 pm Post subject: Re: Question for those who felt worthless or suicidal as a c |
|
|
| Triangular_Trees wrote: | Do you think your parents yelling at you would have stopped you feeling suicidal?
There is a parent in the parents forum who thinks that yelling at her son to stop saying he's an idiot will keep him from having negative thoughts about himself. IMO thats one of the actions that will most guarantee he will always feel like an idiot and will end up commiting suicide.
So please comment on your related experiences to this parent. Even if you disagree with me. After all the goal should be in finding out whats best for the child so that he stops having such negative thoughts about himself
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp1639213.html#1639213 |
If anything, that would have made me run for a bottle of something poisonous more quickly. When a child, one does not necessarily understand why they feel suicidal. It's an incredibly complex thing, well beyond the capabilities of a child's mind to understand, really. It's often well beyond the capabilities of an "adult" mind to understand as well, but it can be understood by some.
IF asked to give advice, I'd say that getting that child (if he or she is talking about suicide or harming themselves) out of the family environment for a while, and into a loving and supportive one with intensive intervention by trained professionals - that would be the way to go. Given that the parent thinks they can scream and order the child to do anything, especially how to think about ones-self, I'd have to say that the parent is not going to want to hear anything I'd want to write anyway.
God bless that child, and I hope they make it through to the other side of it all.
_________________
Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just different.
Last edited by Nan on Thu Aug 14, 2008 12:27 pm; edited 3 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
Nan
Phoenix
![]()
Joined: Mar 02, 2006
Posts: 3158
Location: left coast
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 12:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| schleppenheimer wrote: | | I'm the parent who was talking about this situation in another thread, and talking about how previously, all that I had done calmly had not worked to help my child see that negative talk wasn't a good thing for his self-esteem. When DevonB said "I'll do whatever necessary to prevent it," that absolutely reflects how I (and I'm sure most parents) feel. It's a real concern, and it wasn't necessarily that we felt that yelling on a consistent basis would help -- just that it seemed to help in this one instance where we were frustrated by everything else we had tried NOT helping. |
Ah, that's different. I'm sorry, I didn't go to the original thread, just went on what was posted in this one.
As long as the child is talking, there's communication. That is, even if negative in nature, a blessing. Be extremely concerned if they've been talking about suicide or anything of that nature for any length of time, and then suddenly stop and seem much happier. That should set off all sorts of alarm bells in your mind.
The best of luck to you. At least you care enough to try to help your child think better of themselves. Let him talk. If it's negative, remember, at least he is talking. What if he were to stop telling you how he feels? And are you sure he really feels that way? Or is that the only way he knows how to connect with you - you'll pay attention if he speaks negatively, but not pay so much attention if he is "normal"? It can be complicated.
_________________
Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just different. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Triangular_Trees
What is right is sometimes found on the left.
Joined: Jul 18, 2007
Posts: 2053
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 12:27 pm Post subject: |
|
|
As I said before your goal should not be to get him to stop saying negative things about himself - it should be to get him to stop thinking negative things about himself. The former will coincide with the latter.
if you are yelling at him you are only encouraging negative thoughts and making him afraid to share those negative thoughts. Its bad enough to have negative thoughts about yourself without having to be afraid to share them with the people who should be helping you overcome the fact that you feel so badly about yourself |
|
| Back to top |
|
schleppenheimer
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 01, 2006
Posts: 970
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 3:31 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I totally agree, Triangular Trees, that the ultimate goal is to get him to stop FEELING negatively about himself. We don't want him to feel negative about himself at all -- that's the very reason why we are concerned.
What is perplexing to a parent is why, when you spend so much time telling the child how great he is, how much he is loved, and how he is specifically good at certain things, he still comes out with overly-negative reactions to simple mistakes that anyone could make. Remember, this is summer, so he isn't getting negative comments from peers at school (I'm fairly sure that he doesn't get that anyway -- he has friends).
He is a mild-mannered person, and he carries himself fairly confidently. He is cheerful. Yes, I know that he knows he is somewhat different from his peers, and that may be enough for this negativity. It's unfortunate that all the kind words and positive reinforcement in the world can't counteract something like this. But we should just let him continue to say these things about himself? Doesn't that just reinforce the negative feelings, unnecessarily? Again, keep in mind, he hears constant positive reinforcement from his parents. We are not ogres that are yelling at him continuously. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Starr
Creature of the night
![]()
Joined: Sep 18, 2006
Posts: 4320
Location: the misty mountain
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 6:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It must be very difficult. But the fact that he is communicating his feelings, even if they are negative seems like a good thing. It's important for a child to have a place where he or she feels secure enough to express his feelings/thoughts even if they do seem negative, and I think that place is at home with people who love him.The trouble is that if he thinks you don't want him to talk about those feelings, he might just internalise them rather than express them, which might lead to depression (my guess is that he will still have the negative thoughts but he will learn that you don't want to hear them)
I've got two step-children (they're grown up now) but they aren't on the spectrum, so I have no experience of bringing up an AS child, but I think I would approach the situation by letting him talk negatively, getting it out into the open, then saying 'yes, but...have you thought about it this way' - and give him a positive alternative to think about. Maybe this is what you're already doing.
Good luck. |
|
| Back to top |
|
MomofTom
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 06, 2006
Posts: 597
Location: Where normalcy and bad puns collide
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 8:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| schleppenheimer wrote: | I totally agree, Triangular Trees, that the ultimate goal is to get him to stop FEELING negatively about himself. We don't want him to feel negative about himself at all -- that's the very reason why we are concerned.
What is perplexing to a parent is why, when you spend so much time telling the child how great he is, how much he is loved, and how he is specifically good at certain things, he still comes out with overly-negative reactions to simple mistakes that anyone could make. Remember, this is summer, so he isn't getting negative comments from peers at school (I'm fairly sure that he doesn't get that anyway -- he has friends).
He is a mild-mannered person, and he carries himself fairly confidently. He is cheerful. Yes, I know that he knows he is somewhat different from his peers, and that may be enough for this negativity. It's unfortunate that all the kind words and positive reinforcement in the world can't counteract something like this. But we should just let him continue to say these things about himself? Doesn't that just reinforce the negative feelings, unnecessarily? Again, keep in mind, he hears constant positive reinforcement from his parents. We are not ogres that are yelling at him continuously. |
I went through a semi-suicidal phase from the 4th through the 10th grades. At the height of it, the pedant that I am, I took 3 instead of the recommended 2 pills of Tylenol. I called 911 when I couldn't take back the action and apparently, they called my Mom the next day. She yelled at me.
In hindsight, I know she was scared for me. However, the thing that would have helped the most was:
1. Seeing a nonjudgmental therapist who I knew would keep patient confidentiality by not blabbing to the parents.
and
2. Possibly family therapy. The one thing I could count on was being yelled at or scolded nearly every day for something. As a parent, I know that it is hard not to get angry at my children. However, I temper it with explanations as to why I was angered and how actions could be taken so that X, Y and Z didn't happen again. As a child, I never got that explanation. Thusly, I felt like a schlub who complicated my parent's seemingly perfect lives.
_________________
Apathy is a dominant gene. Mutate. |
|
| Back to top |
|
MemberSix
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 10, 2007
Posts: 540
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 3:53 am Post subject: |
|
|
| schleppenheimer wrote: | I totally agree, Triangular Trees, that the ultimate goal is to get him to stop FEELING negatively about himself. We don't want him to feel negative about himself at all -- that's the very reason why we are concerned.
What is perplexing to a parent is why, when you spend so much time telling the child how great he is, how much he is loved, and how he is specifically good at certain things, he still comes out with overly-negative reactions to simple mistakes that anyone could make. . |
Since when did kids attach any importance to anything their parents tell them ?
Children understand that family is not the real world.
They understand that their mums are the last people they'd go to for an objective and impartial opinion on them.
It's not disrespect, it's life.
Anyone who attempts to persuade with yelling rather than reasoned discussion has some pretty serious issues themselves.
If nothing else, it says to the kid "I think you're dumb enough that yelling's gunna be more effective than reasoned discussion".
Hardly a recipe for encouraging open discussion - more like a recipe for making the parent look like they've given up hope.
Children need mentors dispensing information and guidance, not hysterical parents exuding desperation.
But then, no-one ever said parenting was easy. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Dasha
Blue Jay
Joined: Jan 09, 2008
Posts: 89
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 7:53 am Post subject: |
|
|
If you readily admit that yelling will not work on a consistent basis than why would you have even considered yelling at him?
Aspies thrive on consistency. It shakes them up, sometimes to the points of meltdowns, to experience anything that isn't consistent. Its just as difficult for aspie to not be punished for something they did wrong as it is for them to be punished for something they know wasn't wrong to do. You don't want to not punish your child for breaking a window anymore than you want to punish him for tying his shoes because, in the end, the results of your actions toward him will be the same and they won't be pleasant |
|
| Back to top |
|
mouapp
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 21, 2007
Age: 18
Posts: 678
Location: probably not WP
|
| Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 11:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
reminds me of daria:
| Quote: | Helen: It seems she has low self-esteem.
Jake: What?! That really stinks Daria!
Helen: Easy Jake. Focus. We tell you over and over again that you're wonderful and you just don't get it! What's wrong with you?! |
but seriously all i know is you dont want your kid to stop talking to you or listening to you, cus it happens and at that point you stop being a parent and just become a nuisance
I've never seen anyone get their parent status back once they've lost it
_________________
http://www.last.fm/user/mouapp/
Maybe I don't know either. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Eggman
das Freak'n Techno Viking!
Joined: Jul 18, 2008
Posts: 1866
|
| Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 12:02 am Post subject: |
|
|
| i dobt it, it was mostly my ownm internal issues. Drugs and finding my own meaning in life is what it took |
|
| Back to top |
|
thyme
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 06, 2007
Posts: 799
Location: Over the Hills and Far Away
|
| Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| They sound like a terrible parent. No wonder the kid feels worthless and suicidal. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
