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Yupa
Avatar of Evil
Joined: May 15, 2005
Age: 18
Posts: 1315
Location: Florida
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 Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 9:40 pm Post subject: Uncomfortable state of isolation |
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I was largely a loner in high school, but I did have a few friends whom I could talk to about a variety of subjects, and I was glad to know them and they to know me.
However, since graduating from high school I've drifted apart from practically everyone and ended up being and feeling more alone than I've ever been or felt before.
I imagined that when I started community college I would make new friends and would be able to talk with at least a few people about subjects that took their and my mutual interest.
However, it seems that in college practically all conversations are brief, people who talk to each other have never met each other before and are probably never going to see each other again, and usually conversations seem to be more for practical or academic purposes than forming any kind of friendship, and are fairly rarely based on any interest in getting to know someone.
What's worse is that, probably as a result of being on my own in most regards, I've become very apathetic: I cared about doing well academically in high school, but in college I have no strong emotions or attachments to anyone or anything whatsoever, and therefore no drive to succeed. This is a different issue I need to sort out, but both of these are bothering me quite a bit, and I was wondering what some of the rest of you had to say? |
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Brook-lynn20
Sea Gull
Joined: Aug 18, 2008
Posts: 226
Location: Hoosierhickville
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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| Well...yeah...I kinda have that happening....I'm sorry I am terrible at advice. but if you need someone to just talk to, I'm here. |
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michillimackinac
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Aug 31, 2008
Posts: 58
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 11:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Have you thought about joining a club? They must have some kind of student activities organization. |
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Belfast
Vast Ambivalence
Joined: Jul 18, 2005
Age: 35
Posts: 1716
Location: New England
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 4:15 am Post subject: Re: Uncomfortable state of isolation |
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| Yupa wrote: | I was largely a loner in high school, but I did have a few friends whom I could talk to about a variety of subjects, and I was glad to know them and they to know me.
However, since graduating from high school I've drifted apart from practically everyone and ended up being and feeling more alone than I've ever been or felt before. |
Am no good at giving advice, either.
After high school, I went to college-and lived in the dorms (residence halls), which did assist in meeting new people & making acquaintance with them.
However, once I dropped out of school (and this would've happened even if I'd graduated) I lost touch with everyone I'd gotten to know there.
Thus, since then I've had similar types of problems (being adrift in the "real" world-outside of school environment/social group) and still have no remedy for my lonely isolation. Can't work and am agoraphobic, so unfortunately I don't meet people.
So, I end up having conversation on message boards such as WP instead (since I got AS dx a few years ago), to meet my needs for communicative activity.
_________________
*"You cannot administer a wicked law impartially-it destroys everyone it touches, its violators as well as its upholders."* |
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PPParabola
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Sep 07, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 25
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:38 am Post subject: |
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I had some success in forming relationships at primary and high school; giving an appearance of a 'social butterfly'; when in fact I had only had one or two intellectually close friends and the rest of the relationships being superficial.
Those environments are predictable and stable. Easier to manipulate.
College and university are more unstable, as there are seemingly endless variables that I haven't worked out yet. I think college is more stable, however:
This quote may be of use, as it relates more to college than a university setting.
| slwilbur wrote: |
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp1721106.html&highlight=#1721106
Your practical construct makes sense to me.
The patterns you may find in your university setting include:
1. people taking a class with you (you'd already noted some limitations here, with those dropping out and with not seeing people after the class ends)
2. people in the same degree path as you.
You'd noted you're in your 2nd year, and it'll be toward the end of this year or more toward the beginning of the next that you start seeing the same people in many classes. That is how it was for me. However, they did try to keep people in the same degree path in the same early elective classes so we could get to know each other. If you have an academic advisor, they may have some groups for whom they suggest the same section or time of a particular required class so you can be with those that you'll see next year and the following. This was in an engineering degree path.
Similarly, if you find someone in one of your classes that you get to know and may be taking the same classes next semseter, ask them which section they're signing up for in the next class so you can be in it together. If they look at you or react funny, you may have been too direct or may have too much uncertainty yet in that relationship. (also, see below)(uncertainty seems to be greater where people don't feel as physically safe, and that was certainly true for me as a female in university. I was much more cautious making friends with others than I was in high school, esp men. It was a big university!!)
3. People in a similar living or transportation situation as you.
Living situation: I lived in a dorm for the first two years (even though I could have lived with relatives nearby), and am still in contact (a number of years later) with some of those I first met in the dorms. We got to know each other's schedules, ate together, etc, forming a comfortable certainty that each of us was longing for, being away from home and shocked out of the routine of our previous years. Of course, some of those in the dorms were mean, but they were easily found out, and avoided. Fortunately, there were several very nice people that lived within a few doors of me and we got to know each other well. Better than high school, even, because unlike high school where we lived at home and had parents around, we discovered things together (another of the axioms), and protected each other to some degree (don't rely upon that - protect yourself).
Transportation situation: If you're not able to live on campus, people can commute together or ride the same bus together. This gives you time to develop the relationship. I did make lasting friends with those that commuted as well, even though I was on campus. They also had bus-buddies that they regularly rode with and waited for for some companionship on the ride home. To my commuter friends, their friendship with me provided them with a link to campus life, as well. They came with me to the dorms sometimes, and they met more people there.
That may or may not belong in the same construct as yours, but you could consider that friendship has value to each person. You may know a lot about certain subjects (because of your selective intense interest), may take good notes (I certainly didn't, and valued those friends that did), etc. To those friends whose note taking ability I treasured, I would lean upon them from time to time to clarify my notes, and they felt needed and secure in the relationship. Secure enough to ask me for something in return (help with homework), if that makes sense, and that decreases the uncertainty as well. You do take care that you're not being "used" but to me the value to each been a decent factor in relationships. I've had some friends who were always leaning on me and/or always upset or an emotional drain, and I did stop communicating with them because they were not of benefit to me. Sounds cold, I guess.
However if someone does look at you funny when you try to advance the relationship somewhat, you can consider pointing out some value to each of you to continue to see each other. "Since we'll be in the same class, I can take notes for you when you skip and likewise" or something. I worked out something where a friend and I skipped an early morning (and long hike across campus in the cold and dark winter mornings) class once a week, but on alternating days and both showed up on Fridays to trade notes. Didn't work for too long because I take poor notes. But we did end up studying together.
One thing you might consider checking out books on friendships (many are written for relationships/friendships between women) as some of them have good info. I found one, and don't know which it was, but it had the stages of friendships in women, that they are built, then tested, then strengthened, etc. It helped me to realize that a trial or fight may be necessary and not necessarily relationship-ending or the fault of my somewhat sub-par relationship skills. That thought is liberating.
I do still struggle with keeping in contact with people for the sake of keeping contact, and that redevelops uncertainty and tends to end old friendships. (probably ones with whom I was not seeing a real short-term benefit, and have not focused on the long-term benefit of still having them as a friend. bummer.)
Good luck! |
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