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MickeyJones
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Aug 31, 2008
Posts: 32
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 Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:44 am Post subject: should i even try to be more social? |
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I am 20 and dont have many friends. I'm about to enter my SENIOR year in college. I have been anti-social for essentially the last five years or so. Im to the point where I have no friends, dont really do anything other than goto college/study/sleep.
taking anti-depressants and therapy hasnt done **** to help me, so dont suggest those
I want to go out and do social things like partying and getting laid, but how does one do that with no friends? Its like a great irony, to be social, you need friends, but what do you do if you havent had friends in six years? I dont know how to go about getting friends anymore.
i tried joining a few clubs last year, but i felt like i didnt fit in with anyone, so i ditched all of them. Thats my biggest problem, i just cant seem to find my niche at college. the problem is me, since everyone else has so much more social experience than me, so i feel isolated. people talk about certain things, and i'm clueless since i dont follow the same stuff that they do
I still have many opportunities to make friends. I go to a good university, but its hard to find people who share my interests, or if they do, they totally opposite personalities so they dont like me. and I do talk and socialize and all, but never really go much further, like asking them if they want to do something after school, or something like that. this is mainly because i dont know who i 'click' with, considering that i havent had friends in years. You have to remember, when I say I havent done anything that friends would do socially in years, im serious, I literally havent done social events at all.
since i'm pretty sure the best advice i'll get here will be "join clubs and organizations", which ones do you suggest? i dont really have hobbies, though i like to play basketball but suck horribly at it. would the ethnic clubs work, since i'm vietnamese but born in america and totally americanized?
or should i just forgo trying to make friends, and just focus academically, since i'm applying for grad schools next fall? just accept the fact that because of AS i will never be social and will always be lonely and boring |
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Saffy
Sea Gull
Joined: Sep 15, 2008
Posts: 230
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 6:10 am Post subject: |
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What about joining a group of some kind around vietnamese culture or food ( if that interests you ) and finding out about your cultural heritage ? There may well be others there in the same boat that would like to know more.. so you would have something in common.
Alternatively what about joining a beginners group for something that interests you but that you have never done before. e.g yoga, photography, Aikedo, ( good because it requires you to work with a partner and the exercise would help with your mental state ) dancing ( even if you have two left feet, in a beginners group everyone will be learning - and again you work with a partner.
Try thinking laterally about what you could do and explore new possibilities for yourself. Go into the activities for yourself and with enthusiasm and you might be pleasantly surprised who you will meet.
Use the groups as a springboard to invite people for a coffee afterwards and start some friendships. As for finding out who you click with.. you just don't know until you try. Someone once said to me.. look at each failed attempt as a step closer to success, maybe it did not work this time, but perhaps it will next time.
Never give up, there are too many wonderful things in life to just let them pass you by.
There are a lot of people out there that will appreciate the company of an intelligent and sensitive person. |
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ToughDiamond
Velociraptor
Joined: Sep 16, 2008
Age: 55
Posts: 459
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 6:46 am Post subject: |
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I shouldn't be giving too much advice, as it could turn out that I'm not an Aspie, though the signs look pretty conclusive.
I used to agonise about my social failure at parties, getting laid etc., but eventually stumbled on some hippies and anarchists in an inner-city area who were so much less competitive than the average Joe that I simply felt great, and figured I must have solved my problem. So I'd advise you to try and be selective about the type of people who are likely to be at this or that social gathering. They really can make a huge difference.
I certainly wouldn't give up on the social thing. Keep it in perspective, sure. Accept that progress might be very slow, setbacks common, sure. Learn to be comfortable in your own company, sure. But don't give up completely on socialising. |
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schleppenheimer
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 01, 2006
Posts: 970
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 8:16 am Post subject: |
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Is there any kind of theater group at your university that you could join, just for fun? Theater people are usually pretty accepting.
Do you play any kind of musical instrument? If you play guitar at all, you could start up a band for fun. There are always guys at university who want to just goof off in a band.
Just from your writing, you seem like an alright kind of guy. I think that finding some theater types, or politically active types, or anarchists (as somebody else suggested) is not a bad idea. These are people who actually like alternative points of view or new outlooks.
I agree with what other people have written -- put yourself out there, invite some people out for coffee or baseball or something, and see what happens. You may get some rejection, but all of us do. That's life. Eventually you're going to find your niche, and there WILL be people you relate to -- either at grad school, or at work. Also, you've been younger than most of your peers at college, and that makes socializing a little bit harder. But now, at your current age, things begin to even out and age doesn't matter quite so much. I really think it could be different for you now -- Good luck! |
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Mishi_Sings
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Sep 11, 2008
Age: 20
Posts: 40
Location: Montreal
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 8:34 am Post subject: Re: should i even try to be more social? |
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| MickeyJones wrote: |
i tried joining a few clubs last year, but i felt like i didnt fit in with anyone, so i ditched all of them. Thats my biggest problem, i just cant seem to find my niche at college. the problem is me, since everyone else has so much more social experience than me, so i feel isolated. people talk about certain things, and i'm clueless since i dont follow the same stuff that they do
or should i just forgo trying to make friends, and just focus academically, since i'm applying for grad schools next fall? just accept the fact that because of AS i will never be social and will always be lonely and boring |
Don't you dare. If you want to have friends, then make them. Giving up on your social life will just make you even more miserable.
And if people talk about things you don't know about, listen to them, ask questions, and learn (assuming you're interested in it). You might be surprised at how many "normal" people ALSO feel socially awkward.
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[insert nerdy quotation here] |
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sgrannel
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 21, 2008
Posts: 550
Location: USA
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 9:45 am Post subject: |
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The thing of value you take away from the university is your degree and the things you learned in class, which should be interesting enough if you're taking the right classes. Don't worry too much and don't let worry and other distractions jeopardize your chances of finishing! Getting laid won't happen until you're making money, unless you're good at tricking people into it, which I'm not. I haven't seen anyone from my old university in years.
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You should get to know me better. No one's ever what they seem.-- Shirley Manson |
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ToughDiamond
Velociraptor
Joined: Sep 16, 2008
Age: 55
Posts: 459
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:03 am Post subject: |
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The other thing that occurred to me is that you might find non-realtime communication (like this board) could help you to acquire and hone your social skills. Here, I get the time to read back what I'm about to post, I can check whether it's appropriate - and then when I'm happy with it, I hit the send button. In "real life" it's harder because of the need for an immediate response, but at least if the basic skills are already in use, I'm in a better position to get it right.
Your post is of pretty high quality. You said what you wanted to tell us, asked what you wanted to ask. Your social skills do work. |
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Sling
Sea Gull
Joined: Sep 13, 2008
Age: 20
Posts: 215
Location: Oakfield, Ryde, Isle of Wight, England, UK
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:00 pm Post subject: |
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Try and find "ins" when people are having a conversation. So like if they a talking about something you like or some such then try and there is a gap then try add something to the conversation, show them that you are interesting by bringing something new in. Don't butt it and interrupt people though. Also, ask for instant messaging addresses. It is FAR easier to talk to people online. Always be nice to people who talk to you unless they are deliberately being mean to you. Also, if people ever ask you "What's up" if you're just sat there doing nothing then tell them that you just have AS and therefore not great at socialising. That worked particularly well for me anywho. If you're ever at a party. DRINK BOOZE. But not too much, just enough to loosten the tongue. Try and get into stuff. One duded suggested guitar. That is a very good idea. Just get an acoustic, or better still an electric and a mini-portable amp (mini-amps are like £25 GBP, dunnot what that is in $ USD though). Learn a few songs and whenever you have free time just sit somewhere where there a few people nearby (not too closely to them but not too far away) and jam a bit, but don't make it look like you're busking. If possible try and find out what bands people like and then learn a few songs. Lastly, never give up. EVER.
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"The capacity to hate is a frightening reality. We are always ready to blame another of the circumstances can free us from our own self guilt" |
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Tim_Tex
WP's Resident Simpsons and South Park Aficionado
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 22319
Location: San Marcos, Texas
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Saffy wrote: | What about joining a group of some kind around vietnamese culture or food ( if that interests you ) and finding out about your cultural heritage ? There may well be others there in the same boat that would like to know more.. so you would have something in common.
Alternatively what about joining a beginners group for something that interests you but that you have never done before. e.g yoga, photography, Aikedo, ( good because it requires you to work with a partner and the exercise would help with your mental state ) dancing ( even if you have two left feet, in a beginners group everyone will be learning - and again you work with a partner.
Try thinking laterally about what you could do and explore new possibilities for yourself. Go into the activities for yourself and with enthusiasm and you might be pleasantly surprised who you will meet.
Use the groups as a springboard to invite people for a coffee afterwards and start some friendships. As for finding out who you click with.. you just don't know until you try. Someone once said to me.. look at each failed attempt as a step closer to success, maybe it did not work this time, but perhaps it will next time.
Never give up, there are too many wonderful things in life to just let them pass you by.
There are a lot of people out there that will appreciate the company of an intelligent and sensitive person. |
What's Aikedo?
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When you need something, that's a responsibility, that only an adult...of my maturity...Bunnies!!!
~Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force |
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Landaree
Raven
Joined: Aug 25, 2008
Posts: 111
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Tim_Tex wrote: | | What's Aikedo? |
He probably meant aikido, a martial art. |
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Tim_Tex
WP's Resident Simpsons and South Park Aficionado
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 22319
Location: San Marcos, Texas
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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What all is involved in aikido? It sounds interesting.
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When you need something, that's a responsibility, that only an adult...of my maturity...Bunnies!!!
~Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force |
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Saffy
Sea Gull
Joined: Sep 15, 2008
Posts: 230
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 5:45 pm Post subject: |
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My spelling is appalling !
there is a nice wikipedia entry about it here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aikido
and a really interesting video about it here.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3200145913123453079
my AS husband does it ( just started recently ) and he loves it . He is one of those people that is somewhat clumsy normally and he's put on a lot of weight in the last few years because of some of the medication he has been on.
However in his bid to get some more balance into his life, meet some new people and try something different he decided to pick this up.
one of the philosophys behind it is that you are ALWAYS a beginner.. so although you can gain various belts in it, etc.. the classes are normally a mixture of people are varying levels. It is done by males and females. It perhaps has a higher proportion of females than most martial arts, because of the defensive ( rather than attacking ) nature of it.
He's been attending about 2 months now and it really has made a difference to him in a number of ways. So if you do not mind being touched and coming home with a few bruises, it might be something to consider.
PLUS- you get to wear some very cool pants ! It's almost worth it just to wear them  |
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MickeyJones
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Aug 31, 2008
Posts: 32
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:27 pm Post subject: |
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| Sling wrote: | Also, ask for instant messaging addresses. It is FAR easier to talk to people online.
If you're ever at a party. DRINK BOOZE. But not too much, just enough to loosten the tongue. |
how is it FAR easier to talk to people online? also, I often find that I dont know what to talk about, especially with people i dont know well at all
i have drank before. i think i made a fool of myself not because i got drunk or anything, but because of the fact taht people who know me think of me as this nerdy, naive goody boy, which i hate being thought as |
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Saffy
Sea Gull
Joined: Sep 15, 2008
Posts: 230
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 3:13 am Post subject: |
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I think it's easier to talk to people online for a number of reasons
1. You do not have to worry about looking nervous ..
2. You do not have to worry about people looking at you and judging you on appearance
3. You have time to think about what you want to say
4. You can revise if need be on forums , or just pretend you are not there in live chat if you have no clue what to say
5. You can express yourself in what is probably a more comfortable medium for someone with ASD - text ( which is visual ) - not verbal speech.
6. You can be yourself - meeting of the minds only.
I am sure others will come up with other reasons. |
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ToughDiamond
Velociraptor
Joined: Sep 16, 2008
Age: 55
Posts: 459
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 12:05 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I am sure others will come up with other reasons. |
They can't interrupt you.
They can't form a clique.
They can't talk over you.
They might ignore you but it doesn't have the same sting as it would if they were really there.
Conversely, you can ignore them without looking very rude.
You don't have to wait for a socially-acceptable gap in the talking before saying your 2 cents.
Your body language is not detectable.
You don't need immediacy - so for example if anybody tries to put you down, you can take your time giving a well-measured reply that neither caves into their cruelty nor starts World War III over it. |
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