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Alycat
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Oct 12, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 66
Location: Birmingham
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 Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 2:55 pm Post subject: Never ask guys out - can't read signals |
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As the title says, I never ask guys out. I've tried and tried to pick up on signals, but I'm just not able to, and I can't ask someone out without knowing if they like me or not. So, I don't ask them out.
However, none of them seem to want to ask me out either. Maybe I'm giving off the wrong signals
This is a problem.
How can I learn to read signals so I can ask a guy out?
OR
How can I learn to give off the right signals?
_________________
If you don't believe in dragons it is curiously true, that the dragons you disparage choose to not believe in you. |
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ann2
Emu Egg
Joined: Mar 26, 2007
Age: 47
Posts: 8
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 3:53 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Alycat,
After being on my own for years and in my mid 30's I got a book The Rules. Now, in my personal opinion any kind of rules is awesome for our type. This one was great for me. I learned a lot about all the stuff other girls just seem to know by instinct, like how to make themselves seem fought over. There's not a lot of honesty involved but it's more a case of being true to yourself, and that means overcoming those feelings of being wanted that make us sabotage any incipient dating. So get serious, make some real plans, and be a little tough.
The suggestion that led to my marriage (at age 39, 2 kids to follow) was regarding personal ads. Now here is another aspie dream come true. You're given lots of tips how to write one, all of which I followed (here being honest is good, for example I came clean in the ad about my 2 cats, my age and my passion for the Red Sox). But most importantly, do not answer any ads yourself. Let the men pursue you. That's what the book is about in a nutshell, and it shows you how to make it happen.
Good luck!
ann2 |
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Rusty_Shackleford
Emu Egg
Joined: Sep 12, 2008
Posts: 8
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 3:57 pm Post subject: |
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The way I would do things is try to ask the person out in a way that comes across as a 'friends' rather than a date thing. Something that shows wanting to get to know them, or do something with them, but not in a way that makes it like a 'date'. Then if things go well, I'd take it steps further.
I'm not sure how to explain really. Sorry! |
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ValMikeSmith
Velociraptor
Joined: May 19, 2008
Posts: 488
Location: Stranger in a strange land
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 5:36 pm Post subject: |
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I can't read signals. I can't make signals. I might as well be blind...BUT NOT DEAF.
I always make that quite clear that there's no use of signals with me,
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN WITH WORDS THAT MEAN WHAT YOU MEAN. |
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Kilroy
Establishment knows whats best
Joined: Apr 25, 2007
Posts: 10390
Location: Driving the Last Spike
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 5:42 pm Post subject: |
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most men...don't really have signals
if your attractive-that's really the only thing going in his head
people build it up to more then it really is
trust me
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Hail Saltandor
supporter for the cure |
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release_the_bats
Velociraptor
Joined: Jul 14, 2008
Posts: 458
Location: deep in the woods
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 6:17 pm Post subject: |
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I find it all to be really complicated and confusing. I tend to like guys who are basically shy / introverted (whatever you want to call it) but can act entertainingly eccentric and funny in social situations. And when I finally find a guy I'm really attracted to, I get too excited about it and come on too strong.
It seems like I'm always obsessing over some quirky, introverted guy, probably overwhelming him and scaring him away, while guys who I only want to be friends with develop feelings of some sort for me. I wish I could control myself and not come on so strong, but since I rarely have feelings that intense, I'm not good at hiding them. Yes, I could go out with one of my male friends who has a crush on me, but if the attraction is not mutual, we'll both just get hurt.
Maybe I need to practice "The Rules" (referenced by a poster above), which I found on Wikipedia:
| Quote: | 01: Be a “Creature” Unlike Any Other
02: Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
03: Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
04: Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
05: Don't Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls[3]
06: Always End Phone Calls and dates First
07: Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday
08: Fill Up Your Time before the Date
09: How to Act on Dates 1,2, & 3 End the date first especially if you like him.
10: How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time
11: Always end the date first
12: Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
13: Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
14: No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date
15: Don't Rush into Sex & Other Rules for Intimacy
16: Don't Tell Him What to Do
17: Let Him Take the Lead[3]
18: Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
19: Don’t Open Up Too Fast
20: Be Honest but Mysterious[3]
21: Accentuate the Positive & Other Rules for Personal Ads
22: Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
23: Don't Date a Married Man
24: Slowly Involve Him in Your Family & Other Rules for Women with Children
25: Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)
26: Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
27: Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends & Parents Think It's Nuts
28: Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School
29: Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College
30: NEXT! & Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
31: Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist.[3]
32: Rules May Be Pulled Out of Thin Air If the Situation Requires
33: Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After!
34: Love Only Those Who Love You
35: Be Easy to Live With |
I don't agree with all of them (5, 7, etc), and I'm not sure they'd work on the type of guys I tend to like, and I'm not sure if it would work to start applying some of them several months into a relationship, but . . . who knows.  |
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Cyberman
Cyber Lieutenant
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1259
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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| The Rules is great advice if you only want a confident NT boyfriend. Basically, it assumes that shy/introverted guys aren't worthwhile. |
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release_the_bats
Velociraptor
Joined: Jul 14, 2008
Posts: 458
Location: deep in the woods
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 10:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Cyberman wrote: | | The Rules is great advice if you only want a confident NT boyfriend. Basically, it assumes that shy/introverted guys aren't worthwhile. |
That's horrible. But I guess it's kind of interesting if it provides any insight into the general culture . . .
Similarly, there are plenty of books and articles for guys on how to attract a woman. These things tend to promote behavior that I would find unattractive, or at least would not be impressed by. All that "act like an a$$hole because nice guys finish last," crap.
It's scary that such devious, manipulative behavior is apparently standard for so many people. |
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Cyberman
Cyber Lieutenant
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1259
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't buy into that "confident jerk" BS either. Yes, it's unfortunate that so much of our culture, from religion to politics, is based on deception. |
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Belfast
Vast Ambivalence
Joined: Jul 18, 2005
Age: 35
Posts: 1716
Location: New England
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:25 pm Post subject: |
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Am too scared to ask guys out-heck, I barely dare approach people, especially ones I don't know. Yet, I do feel guilty-that this means I'm expecting males to initiate contact-and I don't want to perpetuate routinely, unfairly, placing that burden exclusively on them.
Being rejected feels terrible, but rejecting someone else can feel almost as awful, though for different reasons. Absolutely loathe being rejected-but at least I don't feel guilty about it (instead I feel pitiful & self-righteous) the way that having to "let someone down without sounding like I'm a horrible person" weighs on my conscience.
So it's tough to brave the risks of being potentially in either position/stance/role, of disappointing someone or being disappointed by someone. Know that somebody has to do something or else nobody would meet anyone else, but is no easy task to disregard/ignore/dismiss my caution & anxieties. Trying to guess what's inside the minds of strangers (and make appropriate choice of response based on that) feels perilous & intimidating for me.
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*"You cannot administer a wicked law impartially-it destroys everyone it touches, its violators as well as its upholders."* |
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Fnord
Metasyntactic Variable
Joined: May 07, 2008
Posts: 3658
Location: Pantopia
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:37 pm Post subject: Re: Never ask guys out - can't read signals |
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| Alycat wrote: | | How can I learn to read signals so I can ask a guy out? |
Videotape each encounter, and note any correlations between environmental and personal factors and whether your invitations are accepted, rejected, or merely put off.
| Alycat wrote: | | How can I learn to give off the right signals? |
There are no 'right' signals, there are only the ones that work. Have you tried making a show of cooking skills, wealth, and/or debauchery? Any two of these combined are almost sure to get a guy's are interest. Offer to pay for dinner. Offer to make breakfast. But offering to pay for his 'services' could be illegal, so check your local laws.
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The leaders of the American automobile industry have been amazingly consistent in their management philosophy, in that they have never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity. |
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release_the_bats
Velociraptor
Joined: Jul 14, 2008
Posts: 458
Location: deep in the woods
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:27 pm Post subject: |
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| I think it's best to get to know each other as friends first. It can be hard to read signals from a stranger, or someone you don't know very well, but once you've become friends and gotten to know each other fairly well, it's a lot easier. And most of the time (but not always), the guy will ask you out if he is interested. |
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anna-banana
and yet it moves!
Joined: Aug 31, 2008
Age: 25
Posts: 1728
Location: Europe
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:03 pm Post subject: |
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I have exactly the same problem as the OP. I tried to adhere to what my female friends told me to do but got so many contradicting "rules" that I gave up.
it would be nice to see some more posts coming from guys, that would clear things up a bit lol
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I got some bad ideas in my head. (Taxi Driver) |
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Cyberman
Cyber Lieutenant
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1259
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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| anna-banana wrote: | | it would be nice to see some more posts coming from guys, that would clear things up a bit lol |
Be careful what you wish for...  |
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Cyberman
Cyber Lieutenant
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1259
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:23 pm Post subject: |
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| BTW, don't you ladies enjoy your "advantage" in dating? Don't you just love the power to crush the hopes of any guy who works up the courage to ask you out? |
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