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Catster2
Velociraptor
Joined: Jan 25, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 488
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 Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:34 am Post subject: NT mum trying to change me |
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My NT mum is always trying to change me she never accepts for for who I am. Today I was talking to her on the phone and said something about my cat (cats and mine in particular are my special interest). Mum replied rudely "I dont want to talk about the cat" and then started going on about how I am selfish, never ask her how is she is and it is why I lost several jobs etc. She knows about the AS and how we focus on one subject and that is isnt we are selfish or dont care we just focus on particular things yet she often says hurtful things like that. Besides I do make the effort to ask about how her trip was (she just got back from China) etc. But even though it has taken a long time I am happy with myself I just wish mu would accept me for who I am.
Last edited by Catster2 on Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:41 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Fo-Rum
Butterfly
Joined: Sep 22, 2008
Age: 24
Posts: 15
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:39 am Post subject: |
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| My brother would always tell me to stop trying to change other people. I guess you could say I have a very pedantic behavior. I always correct people, as an example. I'd get in arguments as to why it mattered, et cetera. I correct people often over small and stupid details that only matter to me, and my brother likes to get on my case about this. ~_~ |
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sinsboldly
Free Range Aspie
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 57
Posts: 8059
Location: Oregon, USA
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: |
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yeah, I hadn't seen my mother for four years and I came back to see her and was sitting in her kitchen. She talked about my father and how he was going on his pension and how he had to move his last two years of work to another company and how hard it was. I was sitting there listening to her, and she just flips out, accussing me of how I didn't care about my father 'losing his job' and them having to move, etc. etc. All I could do was sit there, still because I cared. I just didn't act like she wanted me to act, is all.
People are hard to read. If I really did something like wail "oh, NO!" and run over and hold her and pet her back while she boo hooed, I don't think she would have believed it either, so we are damned if we do, and damned if we don't.
I hope you feel better about it, Catster2
Merle
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I freed thousands of slaves; I could have freed more if they knew they were slaves.
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HD3H
The Lord and Master... Nemesis of DeLoreanDude
Joined: Sep 23, 2008
Age: 17
Posts: 2887
Location: Denmark
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 5:55 am Post subject: |
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Just tell that your not going to change because of her. worked for me
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desertsand
Emu Egg
Joined: Sep 26, 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 6:58 am Post subject: |
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| Maybe she was just having a bad day. |
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Kelsi
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 23, 2007
Posts: 643
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 9:13 am Post subject: |
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I have never felt truly understood, let alone accepted, by an NT in my entire life. I would never expect to be.
If you expect nothing then you will never be disappointed  . |
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Catster2
Velociraptor
Joined: Jan 25, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 488
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 9:34 am Post subject: |
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| HD3H wrote: | Just tell that your not going to change because of her. worked for me
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I have tried that and beleive me mum wasnt having a bad day she is like that all the time but i said to her i shouldnt have to do anything I am how I am and I will keep repeating that. I get tired of her trying to change me. |
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Spokane_Girl
I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more
Joined: Jul 17, 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 3853
Location: Benny & Joon town (I wish)
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 9:39 am Post subject: Re: NT mum trying to change me |
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| Catster2 wrote: | | My NT mum is always trying to change me she never accepts for for who I am. Today I was talking to her on the phone and said something about my cat (cats and mine in particular are my special interest). Mum replied rudely "I dont want to talk about the cat" and then started going on about how I am selfish, never ask her how is she is and it is why I lost several jobs etc. She knows about the AS and how we focus on one subject and that is isnt we are selfish or dont care we just focus on particular things yet she often says hurtful things like that. Besides I do make the effort to ask about how her trip was (she just got back from China) etc. But even though it has taken a long time I am happy with myself I just wish mu would accept me for who I am. |
I don't think your mother is trying to change you. She got tired of hearing about your cat. At least she was straightforward about it but could have been nicer about it.
She just wants you to ask her about how things are going with her. It probably makes her feel bad when you don't do it enough and she would like you to ask her more often.
There are things I would like people to do to me. I just think it be nice if they were more considerate and weren't lazy. I am talking about at work where the room attendants ask me to take their garbage but why can't they take it off their carts themselves and put it on the floor and I will get it, also if they are in the service area, they can take out their garbage and put it on the floor. I also get annoyed when they ask me to take the laundry and they are done with all their rooms. Is it so hard to take out their own linen and out it down the shoot, since they are done cleaning and they have to take their carts back to the linen closet, they can mind as well put their dirty linen down the shoot. But no they just dump it on the floor which is really annoying.
So if people would like you to do something for them like ask them how their day is etc. don't think they are trying to change you. Like if someone asks you to clean up after yourself when you are done, would you take that personally?
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A place to check for the real truth in politics. |
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DevonB
Toucan
Joined: Mar 14, 2008
Age: 40
Posts: 262
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 9:58 am Post subject: |
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I think it has someting to do with being female. My step-dad couldn't care less about how I am. However, my mother needs that emotional connection.
The key is to learn what needs to be said to maintain small talk. What I do is get my mother talking, and then ask little questions, like: So when did that happen? What did she/he think? So what happens now? I say: Yeah, uh huh...okay, that's good/bad...and all those little things while she's talking. Once she gets going it's all I have to do while she's talking. She then feels like I have listened to what she has to say, and care about it.
The truth is I can rarely remember what she has told me, and really don't care about that kind of stuff. But she feels good, and that's what matters.
My father told me that learning small-talk, while boring, is essential. And he was right. I do the same thing with other people as well. The key is to remember not to say anything, just listen. You DO have to respond somewhat for them to buy into it though.
I know it sounds heartless, but, I just can't help it. Try it...it may work for you. |
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Tortuga
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 12, 2007
Posts: 512
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:37 am Post subject: |
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Maybe you could write down some things to say to her before you talk to her. First off, ask her how she's doing...even if you aren't really interested in asking that question. Pretend to listen to her answer and make at least one follow-up comment. If she says, "I'm having a bad day." Say something like, "I'm sorry to hear that." I know it's lame, but that's what NTs do.
Give up talking to her about your cat. She doesn't get it. My son talks to me a lot about stuff that I don't get, but I realize that's his one true form of conversation so I try to listen. It is a very different communication style from NT and your mom actually may never understand that. I try to meet my son halfway, but it's possible that your mother is incapable of that.
Do not accept her harsh criticism though. If she calls you selfish or throws it in your face about losing jobs, you need to correct her and if she continues with an argument then you need to end the conversation.
Good luck. |
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Sora
Love all, trust a few
Joined: Sep 16, 2006
Age: 20
Posts: 2854
Location: Europe
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:06 pm Post subject: Re: NT mum trying to change me |
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| Spokane_Girl wrote: | I don't think your mother is trying to change you. She got tired of hearing about your cat. At least she was straightforward about it but could have been nicer about it.
She just wants you to ask her about how things are going with her. It probably makes her feel bad when you don't do it enough and she would like you to ask her more often.
[...]
So if people would like you to do something for them like ask them how their day is etc. don't think they are trying to change you. Like if someone asks you to clean up after yourself when you are done, would you take that personally? |
OFT. This is totally what I wanted to say.
I already wrote a response and only then realised Spokane_Girl already had written this post and explained it nicely. Well, she put it way better than me too.
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The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2528
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:29 pm Post subject: |
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I, personally, would be looking forward to someone's first-hand stories about a trip to China. But if you're not interested in how the trip went, is your mum happy to be asked about the trip just because the person is trying to keep the peace? Some people enjoy strange things...
_________________
"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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lionesss
The Queen of not your typical kind of jungle
Joined: Aug 22, 2008
Age: 33
Posts: 1013
Location: not anywhere near you
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:49 pm Post subject: |
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Unfortunately many parents want us to be a certain way and in her mind, (not that its right at all) she is doing this because she is frustrated that you are not the way that she would probably want you to be. This is how she takes it out on you, and I hope later on she'll regret saying those things to you. In the future if she does something huge like goes on another trip or experiences something huge, try to just ask her about it and tune it out if you must.. but she may appreciate you asking. Not that I am saying she is right by any means and I am NOT even suggesting you to change who you are, but I am just suggesting this for you to have to listen to her criticisms in the future so she doesn't upset you again.
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I was told that I have PDD-NOS and ADHD- in other words, mild AS with a history of speech delay. I personally think its best to say that I am just plain under the spectrum! |
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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 19, 2008
Posts: 1762
Location: US, midmap
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:56 pm Post subject: |
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Here's an idea. You can try this. Next time, be really attentive while she is talking. Then, when you have demonstrated that you are interested in what is happening in her life, really truly interested, bring up the cat!!!
See what she says. I would be interested in knowing the result of that. Do you think she would feel listening about the cat is the least she could do after you listened to her or would she be the same way regarding the cat and tell you she doesn't want to talk about him? |
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MemberSix
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 10, 2007
Posts: 540
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 7:34 pm Post subject: |
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My mother had Aspergic traits - and oftentimes it was quite difficult to connect with her on a meaningful level.
Like, beyond the superficial, nobody was home.
That could be head-bangingly exasperating sometimes, since no matter how coaxing and sympathetic you were, you'd just get nothing back.
At the time, I had no idea about AS and wondered if it came from a place of hostility.
But either way, it just seemed incredibly cold.
She genuinely just had absolutely NO idea what I was trying to find out - basically, because it concerned feelings.
That kind of frustration can be extremely difficult to bear.
It's almost like you don't really have a mother, just an organic robot programmed to be able to respond at a superficial level.
The WORST thing was that if ever you expressed your frustration, YOU looked like the bad guy.
It came off as a kind of passive aggression - but was actually just an absence of awareness of her own feelings/opinions. |
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