 
Support Wrong Planet Awareness!
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Igor
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Aug 12, 2008
Posts: 69
|
 Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 6:19 am Post subject: Social faux pas at work... |
 |
|
I reckon I've just made a social faux pas at work.
I'm fairly new in this job, but somehow I got invited to a lunch with a fairly select group of people. Obviously I made some sort of right impression (not sure how  ).
Anyhow, I forget all about this until someone phones up today and asks if I'm still going. Well, at this point panic sets in, because I'm not prepared, and I say "No, I'm afraid I've too much on today".
I think I've missed an opportunity here and that could well have been my one chance to actually get in with a group of people at work. At least I work in a sector in which social networking isn't that important for climbing the ladder.
It's all Catch 22. I want to be part of the social scene, but I don't cope well with socialising.
I'm now annoyed with myself for not saying Yes, but at the same time I'm relieved that I found the "get out" (if they'd come round in person, I doubt I'd've said No).
Does it ever get any easier (I'm the other side of 40 and it feels like I've been dealing with this forever without getting any wiser to it)?  |
|
| Back to top |
|
zeichner
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 11, 2008
Age: 50
Posts: 145
Location: Minneapolis, MN
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 9:57 am Post subject: |
|
|
I've definitely been there. I'm assuming it was a casual lunch invitation, rather than a "business lunch" - so it probably means a lot more to you than to the other people in the group (I doubt they gave your absence a second thought.)
In my experience, sometimes there is a second invitation & sometimes not. At my workplace, I tend to notice certain groups who lunch together & they tend to go in groups of 4 (what will comfortably fit in one vehicle & at one table) - occasionally 5. If someone is out sick, or too busy to go, they will pick someone else to fill out the group - sort of like golfers filling out a foursome.
If they ask me, it's almost always at the last minute - so there isn't really time to prepare myself. Sometimes I will go with them, but most often, I won't. When I do go, they almost always spend the entire lunch talking about work - not a big incentive for me to accept further invitations.
Once in a while, I run into coworkers as we go to the same local restaurants for lunch. I always take the opportunity to say "hi" as I pass them on the way to my own table (with my book in hand.) Once in a while, they will ask me to join them at their table - or not (it's not like I was fishing for an invitation to join them - we just happened to be in the same place at the same time.) Once in a while, I will later get an invitation to join them as they are about to leave for that restaurant (since now they know I like to eat there.)
As to whether it ever gets any easier - if you are anything like me - it becomes less important, in the grand scheme of things, so I think about it less. (But there is still a little part of me that longs to eat lunch with "the cool kids.") 
_________________
"I am likely to miss the main event, if I stop to cry & complain again.
So I will keep a deliberate pace - Let the damn breeze dry my face."
- Fiona Apple - "Better Version of Me" |
|
| Back to top |
|
Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2528
Location: Middle East
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Those social invitations are good opportunities for NTs and people who can trust their own charm to get closer to the right contacts. I have a better chance with people the less they know me. So I don't look for the same kind of opportunities as NTs do, and I don't put myself anymore through the anxiety of before the event and the self-blaming afterwards for having alienated the people. I try to get coworkers' appreciation with less social interaction and more reliability, loyalty, logic, etc. - things I'm good at as an Aspie. I don't get all anxious before without reason - I know there's impending loss. If you're like me, then maybe it was better to respect your feelings and not attend.
People will always tell you to take chances and go and mingle and meet people and all. But when you're over forty like me, you already know yourself and your potential better than anyone else knows you, and you know that what is good for an NT is not necessarily good for an Aspie. And what is a "golden opportunity" for an NT doesn't have to be a "golden opportunity" for you.
_________________
"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
|
| Back to top |
|
Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2528
Location: Middle East
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| zeichner wrote: | | Once in a while, I run into coworkers as we go to the same local restaurants for lunch. I always take the opportunity to say "hi" as I pass them on the way to my own table |
When I run into coworkers at the restaurant I want the Earth to swallow me, for it's so humiliating to be seen alone. I know they'll be appalled to see someone eating alone at lunchtime. I take extra care, scan the restaurant before I sit down to make sure none of my coworkers are there.
_________________
"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
|
| Back to top |
|
madderakka
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Aug 23, 2008
Age: 25
Posts: 72
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:38 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Just talk to the person who invited you, tell them you're sorry for missing it but you were absolutely swamped. Then either say you'd love to go next time or ask if they all want to go out on x day. |
|
| Back to top |
|
zeichner
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 11, 2008
Age: 50
Posts: 145
Location: Minneapolis, MN
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 2:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Greentea wrote: | | ...When I run into coworkers at the restaurant I want the Earth to swallow me, for it's so humiliating to be seen alone. I know they'll be appalled to see someone eating alone at lunchtime. I take extra care, scan the restaurant before I sit down to make sure none of my coworkers are there. |
I completely understand that - my first inclination is the same. There was an unwritten rule when I was growing up - and probably still today (even though I no longer pay attention) - that certain things (restaurants, movies, etc.) could only be done in groups of two or more people. I know about it, because of the almost shocked response I'd get when I suggested otherwise.
Nevertheless, there came a point in my life when I realized that I would never do anything fun, ever again, if I didn't learn to do it by myself. So I learned to smile, wave & go on about my business whenever I encounter someone I know at a restaurant. They can just deal with it.
Also, I tend to feel invisible so much of the time - especially when people walk right past me when I smile & greet them - that I've learned to take every small opportunity to remind people that I exist.
_________________
"I am likely to miss the main event, if I stop to cry & complain again.
So I will keep a deliberate pace - Let the damn breeze dry my face."
- Fiona Apple - "Better Version of Me" |
|
| Back to top |
|
Norah_W
Deinonychus
Joined: Apr 30, 2007
Posts: 315
Location: Seattle, WA
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 3:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I was actually told by someone who works with adult Aspies a lot, when I was bemoaning that I dind't have friends at work, that Aspies should try to avoid work social occasions as much as possible. Her rationale was that we might do something embarrassing or socially incorrect and cause others to have a bad impression of us, even though they might have thought well of us before because of our work. She told me I should avoid the company holiday parties, even, if I could possibly do so. I've taken her advice for the most part except for a couple holiday parites. However, since I'm in a very small department of the company that's very isolated, I often end up going to lunch with a co-worker.
But I don't know if I agree with this policy of avoiding work socializing for all Aspies. I think it's whatever the person feels comfortable with. |
|
| Back to top |
|
zeichner
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 11, 2008
Age: 50
Posts: 145
Location: Minneapolis, MN
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 4:00 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Norah_W wrote: | | ...I think it's whatever the person feels comfortable with. |
Yes - absolutely! I think it can be good to push your own personal comfort zone a bit (how else do we grow as people?) - but it can hurt to try too much.
I don't identify myself as Aspie at work - so if I make a bad impression, it only reflects on myself. And, after many years of trial and error (LOTS of error ) , I've finally gotten quite good at most social interactions - for at least a short time. The toughest situations for me now are the most informal.
_________________
"I am likely to miss the main event, if I stop to cry & complain again.
So I will keep a deliberate pace - Let the damn breeze dry my face."
- Fiona Apple - "Better Version of Me" |
|
| Back to top |
|
Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2528
Location: Middle East
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 4:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| zeichner wrote: | | there came a point in my life when I realized that I would never do anything fun, ever again, if I didn't learn to do it by myself. |
Me too, word by word. I've opted for the embarrassment rather than knowing I'll never do anything fun outside the house again. We get vouchers for excellent restaurants for lunch in the area at work, and I'd die of sadness a little more every day if I never enjoyed them because nobody wants to eat with me. So I try to avoid the time everyone else eats (12 to 1:30) and go alone.
However, I very much fear for my job if word gets to my boss that I always eat alone. Loners (rejected or rejecters) don't last long at a job, and I'm always almost being fired as it is.
Norah, that's interesting, I'd never heard of someone thinking like me on this topic. The cliche advice is "go out and meet people" as if it sufficed for us, like for NTs, to meet humans, in order to make friends. It's like telling a cat to "just bark, and they'll let you in the pack"
_________________
"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
|
| Back to top |
|
Norah_W
Deinonychus
Joined: Apr 30, 2007
Posts: 315
Location: Seattle, WA
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 6:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Greentea wrote: |
However, I very much fear for my job if word gets to my boss that I always eat alone. Loners (rejected or rejecters) don't last long at a job, and I'm always almost being fired as it is.
Norah, that's interesting, I'd never heard of someone thinking like me on this topic. The cliche advice is "go out and meet people" as if it sufficed for us, like for NTs, to meet humans, in order to make friends. It's like telling a cat to "just bark, and they'll let you in the pack" |
Yes, I was really surprised to hear that too.
As far as the eating lunch alone thing, are you sure your boss would care one way or the other whether you eat lunch alone or not? I've been in the workforce about 27 years, and never has a boss cared whether or not I ate lunch with co-workers, by myself, with people from other jobs, or exactly what I or anyone else did for lunch as long as we didn't take too long a lunch period. Usually what matters is how we get along with people on the job. The only time there was an issue about it with me was when I made it an issue, and the boss in that case even flatly said that she didn't care whether I ate lunch by myself as long as I was able to work effectively with my co-workers. |
|
| Back to top |
|
zeichner
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 11, 2008
Age: 50
Posts: 145
Location: Minneapolis, MN
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 6:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Greentea - I can see your point about not wanting to be seen eating alone. Given what little I know of the cultures in the Middle East, I think the social imperative to not be alone in a restaurant is much stronger than it is here in the US. (And possibly stronger for a single woman, than for a single man? I am ignorant in this - please set me straight )
_________________
"I am likely to miss the main event, if I stop to cry & complain again.
So I will keep a deliberate pace - Let the damn breeze dry my face."
- Fiona Apple - "Better Version of Me" |
|
| Back to top |
|
Norah_W
Deinonychus
Joined: Apr 30, 2007
Posts: 315
Location: Seattle, WA
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 9:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Greentea--Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you're in the Middle East. I should have looked at your profile. Yes, the culture is much different there than in the US. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2528
Location: Middle East
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 11:40 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Actually, the idea of attaching more importance to your social success in the company than your work performance is an American invention.
_________________
"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
|
| Back to top |
|
Norah_W
Deinonychus
Joined: Apr 30, 2007
Posts: 315
Location: Seattle, WA
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 2:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Greentea wrote: | | Actually, the idea of attaching more importance to your social success in the company than your work performance is an American invention. |
I agree, but still I've never felt the need to hide the fact that I was eating lunch alone from a boss in all the years I've worked--maybe I'm just lucky. |
|
| Back to top |
|
pluto
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 27, 2006
Age: 48
Posts: 1068
Location: Paisley,Scotland UK
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 6:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I think social occasions at work are given
more kudos than they deserve and as a
result we're made to feel guilty if we don't
participate.
I had a temporary job once and was encouraged to go to a "team-building" social night,with the management making a big deal of the fact that they were including everyone.
In the weeks before the night out I was twice
rejected for a full-time position (despite being promised it would be a formality when I first joined). Then one morning I was sitting at my desk as usual when suddenly the whole workforce around me got up,like zombies,and started walking to a meeting room.It turned out there was a staff meeting but only for full time staff and no-one had the courtesy to even advise the temporary people that it would be taking place !
I never had any complaints about my work or attitude,my immediate supervisor actually praised me and I got along fine with the staff but obviously the management only paid
lip service to social "team building" while in reality treating some members of staff with contempt.
I've since got a new full-time job with a
different company and been happy enough
to go along to any social events,but after
my previous experience I will see through the hypocrisy if management fail to treat the
office itself as the best place to build a team
spirit and make their staff feel comfortable.
_________________
I have lost the will to be apathetic |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
