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Scoots5012
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 02, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 2246
Location: Cheyenne Wyoming
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 Posted: Sat Oct 09, 2004 7:31 pm Post subject: Happy childhood :) Or sad childhood :( |
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How would you describe your childhood?
I for one, I do not have a whole lot of fond memories of my childhood. Sure there were those moments where I could look back at something and smile. But for the most part, from the age of about 3 1/2 to the age 7 1/2, I spent a great deal of time wondering why I was so different from others, and trying to modify my behavior to match that of the other classmates, or the behavior of "model" students, but with out much luck.
And then from the age 7 till about the age of 10 1/2, I was drowning in sea of frustration as things progressivly got worse for me. I would come home from school hating myself for who I was, and hating the world for not understanding me.
And then from about the age 10 1/2 to 11 1/2, I, for the first saw a glimpse of hope, things improved dramaticaly for me, and for the first time I saw my self as being "NT". But then that all ended rather quickly.
from about the age of 11 1/2 up to about age 16, I once again was drowning in a sea of frustration.
And then from age 16 onwards till october 2002, I just didn't care anymore.
And now that I look back on things, knowing what I know now about aspergers, I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to 1979 and stand sentinel to myself so that I could right all the wrongs in my life.
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I live my life to prove wrong those who said I couldn't make it in life... |
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JayShaw
Hawk (Site Admin)
Joined: Oct 08, 2004
Age: 29
Posts: 229
Location: Alexandria, Virginia (United States)
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| Posted: Sat Oct 09, 2004 8:44 pm Post subject: |
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Scoots5012,
My childhood through middle school bears much resemblance to yours. For years I simply could not understand why I was so readily hated by my peers. Throw in the fact that my mother was (read: still is) a verbally abusive alcoholic, and you end up with an extremely unpleasant situation.
Luckily, things improved a bit when I started high school, since by that point I was intimidating enough to prevent most people from trying to pick on me. The problems with my mother persisted, and I ended up going to college several hundred miles from where she lived (at no small economic expense) just to avoid her abuse.
Ironically enough, she goes out of her way to be nice to me now and practically begs me to visit her. I suppose it isn't much of a surprise since her daughter and I are the only people that she cares about. Despite this, every time that I visit, she consistently proceeds to verbally berate me as soon as she hits the bottle. I have learned to tune this out, but I still find it bothersome occasionally.
Incidentally, I have had the same "fantasy" that you described of going back in time as an adult and protecting my younger self from the endless abuse that I endured from my peers at the time. I had this fantasy long before I knew anything about Asperger's Syndrome, though. I believe that my past experiences have given me a strong desire to defend anyone who is being unjustly abused. |
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Scoots5012
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 02, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 2246
Location: Cheyenne Wyoming
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 1:20 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Incidentally, I have had the same "fantasy" that you described of going back in time as an adult and protecting my younger self from the endless abuse that I endured from my peers at the time. I had this fantasy long before I knew anything about Asperger's Syndrome, though. I believe that my past experiences have given me a strong desire to defend anyone who is being unjustly abused. |
And I thought I was the only one.
My parents, as I have discovered thru conversation with them were two very patient people when it came to dealing with my wants and ways. I had most of the classic signs of aspergers present when I was little and most of the experts at the time was baffled as what to do about me. One person who had a masters degree in child behavior (circa 1984) wasn't even able to figure out how to deal with me. My parents had to put me into daycare becasue my behavior had driven my mom into a deep depression. She had to go see a "talking doctor" as my dad put it, who made mom "feel better".
When I got into grade school, I found myself having to go to weekly counseling sessions with the school psycologist. The school called up my parents one day in october 1985 and said point blank that there was "something wrong with me". This only reinforced the notion in my head that I was different, and everytime I got out of there, I felt awful since I wasn't fixing the problems that I had said I would try to fix.
But thats one thing I wish more than anything is to have the chance to go back and do it all over again.
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I live my life to prove wrong those who said I couldn't make it in life... |
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venom
Blue Jay
Joined: Jul 23, 2004
Posts: 92
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 8:27 am Post subject: |
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for the most part my childhood was quite happy. Even though i never really had any friends at school (though I wasn't actually unpopular, I always had someone to play with at lunchtime) i never really felt different, and I never had any bullying problems. (incidentally my family left Singapore just as I was starting to make friends with two other kids) I had a big collection of early 80's Marvel comics, which I read in a constant rotation. I loved everything about those comics, the stories and characters obviously, and the pictures, but also the general texture of 'oldness' that they had- the old advertisments, the slightly browning paper, the smell. In my comics and my DOS computer games (some of my favourites were Jazz Jackrabbit, Populous 2, and Hocus Pocus) I had my own universe to live in, and I think thats why it didnt bother me that I didn't have any friends.
However I do have some misgivings, and I've also often thought about going back in time to offer little me support and guidance. 2 major things I would tell him:
a)first and foremost I would somehow get him to start playing sport. Just about all the problems in my life at this point stem in some way from the fact that I have never been able to kick a ball around.
b) I would tell him to not to stop learning Chinese. I'm half Chinese half Indian, and when I was a kid I used to learn Mandarin. I remember being quite good at it, but for some reason I stopped. I really would have liked to been able to speak Mandarin to the other Chinese kids at my high school- most of the Asian kids hang out with each other in one big group, and I really feel a sense of loss at not being able to experience that kinship.
If I had done those two things when I was a kid my high school years would have been infinitely more happy than they were. |
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Civet
The Practical Cat
Joined: Jul 09, 2004
Posts: 1342
Location: In my head
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 9:11 am Post subject: |
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I really can't remember much about my life before around age 12. Elementary school is just bits and pieces of fragmented memories for me. I recall having some friends, but I lost many, as well, either because they moved away, or because we just didn't get along well. Up until about 5th grade the other kids sort of looked out for me, but I think by 5th grade some of them started changing ("growing up") and I really didn't. So there was a bit of a rift. My best friend in 5th and 6th grade ended up manipulating me and later stabbing me in the back (not literally). I also was teased quite a lot during this time, and sometimes bullied. In 4th grade I also had a friend who took advantage of me, and I can't remember anything about 3rd grade at all. I remember very little of 1st and 2nd grade, and almost nothing before that.
In Jr. High, I was quite miserable. I was very depressed a lot of the time during this period in my life. I fell in with a group of "outcasts," basically art and fantasy/sci fi nerds, but we were all teased incessantly. I'm grateful to atleast have had them, though, and I still keep in contact with them today.
I really can't imagine changing anything in my life. I'm not really even sure where I went wrong. Maybe it's just a result of "rigid thinking," or just personal philosophy, but I feel I would be a completely different person today if I hadn't done things the way I did then, and I just can't even concieve of that notion. |
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magic
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 02, 2004
Posts: 1144
Location: US; male, 34
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 10:17 am Post subject: |
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How would I decribe my childhood? In one word: a nightmare.
First 6 years of my life were not so bad, though it was obvious to everyone except me that my behavior was causing social problems. I think that it was not very extreme, but still kindergarten teachers were complaining a lot and firmly believed that I was mentally retarded.
In primary school things went downhill. I was bullied before 3rd grade, and this gradually increased and culminated in the 8th grade (the school was elementary and junior high combined). As a result I usually avoided my classmates, hoping that they would forget about me. I was still bullied throughout high school, but to a much lesser extent. At that time I was nearly completely withdrawn socially.
Another thing for which I hated school was a practice to call students to a blackboard and give them an "oral exam" in front of the class. Although I was usually well prepared, I hated this custom dearly. The moment when the teacher was looking at the grade book to select a "victim" was simply agonizing. I still remember the intense fear, to which - don't forget - I was subjected 10 times a day, 5 days a week, for 12 years! Unfortunately, nobody has noticed that predicament.
The "problem" with me was that I was not really causing much problems. I was a quiet, obedient child, staying away from trouble, not getting into fights (though often beaten). I was bringing home good grades, I always did my homework. A perfect child! Indeed, that's how I felt. I never fit with my peers, but I could not understand why. They were always incomprehensible, erratic, aggressive - bad kids simply. The reasons I was bullied were a mystery, and apparently not only to me, but also to teachers, who sometimes noticed the problem when it got totally out of hand. So, while it was obvious to me that I was rejected, I didn't really thought of myself as different. I also didn't notice that my peers were making friendships, forming cliques, and - later - dating. As a result, being rejected did not make me lonely. I was perfectly happy spending time with myself. (I had one buddy most of the time, but these were not very close relationships.) However, in my teens I was so aloof that my mother got seriously concerned (of which I was unaware). My parents were patient, supportive and accepting, but they did not understand me and were not fully aware of the extent of my problems (e.g. bullying).
Surprisingly my childhood memories are mostly happy. I just deleted the bad ones, for example from the time when bullying escalation made me very depressed. All that is left is the general feeling of an unending nightmare.
Would I like to go back to my childhood and do it all anew? Never! I was so glad when that miserable period of my life ended. And even if I could write my younger self a letter, what would I write? I still don't know what I did wrong, and I am still a misfit. I haven't figured out other people and myself yet. I really have no advice to write in that letter. And even with the best advice, would it turn that kid into a socially outgoing NT? |
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MishLuvsHer2Boys
Proud Mom to 2 boys
Joined: Oct 09, 2004
Posts: 2111
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 4:04 pm Post subject: |
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| How to start to describe my childhood, I think most of it was happy but a lot of the happiness I can't really remember as well as the sad times. I was very shy in school, very picked on, I knew I was different but never why, I always felt like if I didn't have things just the way I wanted them that something was wrong and needed fixing, I needed control, hence some of my meticulateness. I always viewed others as different from me and never could figure out why, partially that didn't help in forming bonds with others as I expected things to be my way, them to be interested in what I wanted to talk about and would get frustrated easily. Of course I had a hard time looking at others when they talked to me so people thought not only that but sometimes when I said things that I didn't intend to be rude, they took it as such and I ended up very disliked at times. I never really ever felt like I fitted in anywhere from time time I was 6 till now. At times I was too naive and that got me into relationships and friendships where I was abused and not understand, especially the relationships with males, it didn't help that I had a body, that most you men seemed to like which I hated. I always felt like the outsider looking in and never much from the other way around. |
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ilster
Toucan
Joined: Jul 09, 2004
Age: 40
Posts: 255
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 5:44 pm Post subject: |
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I had a funny old childhood. My first impressionable years were spent in papua new guinea, and being different was normal! I got picked on, but I picked back, didn't make close friendships, hated my parents cos I was always in trouble, played solo, but I think I was basically happy. I used to ponder on the nature of living and dying and wonder why the girl next door used to lie about being able to perform magic (obviously deluded I thought). I've always missed the smells and landscape of PNG, and I think I've blamed the rest of my life on leaving it.
We returned to Australia when I was about 9, and life wented rapidly down hill from there. I moved house and school every year until highschool. School was a constant battle from the bottom of the heap to the top. Bullying was common, loneliness and feeling outside was a permanant feeling. I felt my parents hated me, cos they never touched or kissed me like other parents did and nothing I did was satisfactory. I made one or two close friends then moved city. I felt permanently on the outside - sometimes I struggled with it, sometimes I enjoyed being different. By the time I got to highschool I was opinionated, aggressive, focused, angry and determined. I got picked on and bullyed because I was so aggressive. I refused to back down on anything I said. I had teachers in tears because I insisted my way was the only way. I spent most of my time in the library or avoiding flocks of people in the quadrangle. I never went to the toilet, cos that was where I had been pretty much guaranteed a thorough bashing. I did very well academically and brought home award after award, but nothing I did seemed to please my parents, so I felt even more estranged from them as time went on. My parents were the only ones that could make me feel wrong - this they seemed to do all the time. By the end of highschool I had wholeheartedly accepted that I was completely different, and made no attempt to compromise with anyone. I was called 'intellectually arrogant' and 'negatively cool' by some people who took an instant disliking to me.
University changed everything for me. I studied design, and found a wonderful community of likewise, obsessive, crazy, irreverant people just like me! I wish I could have stayed there forever. We did stupid fun things, no one passed judgement on each other, and we did all nighter after all nighter seeking the perfect design. We were all different to each other, but accepted each other without question. I think I was lucky with the particular year I was in - I saw other year groups that were very cruel to each other.
Depression seems to have devoured me on and off since I was about 14 onwards, but a kind of manic one that alternates between excitement and euphoria through to catatonia and self harm. I'm not bipolar, but I was unpredictable until I got medicated. I used to storm off during projects and drive for 650km trip to the coast and back at full speed until I calmed down. I argued and fought with every one of my lecturers at some stage, but they all seemed to forgive me (I have no idea why!). Anyway - that was the end of my official childhood I think. I'm meant to be an grown up now. |
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midge
Deinonychus
Joined: Oct 03, 2004
Posts: 301
Location: The Great Plains
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm glad that you brought this up b/c there is a part of my childhood that I don't ever mention to anyone and I know that I should. It was a direct result of AS but it's not a typical situation so I hope you all don't mind me mentioning it. Things went great until I was about 11 1/2, but at that time everything was beginning to change-I was going into middle school, we were moving to a different house, I was losing all my childhood friends. I'd never handled any kind of change very well (still don't, but much better than before) and I broke down. I was admitted to this treatment center for teenagers, and the psyciatrist there (who might I add has a degree from some university in the bahamas!!!) dx me w/ depression and some other stuff. No one had any idea what AS was even though my parents had had some trouble with me before. For the next two years, that's all I was. I was in and out of that hospital and eventually another one b/c I just didn't know what else to do with myself. I was on about 20 different medications. I stopped going to school. I was quite violent towards everyone including myself. I was pretty much lost. I stayed at one hospital for four months. I was afraid that they'd keep me there indefinately, which they wanted to, and I knew that whatever was wrong with me, it wasn't what they thought it was. My parents had had enough, too, and just before my fourteenth birthday they let me come home, stopped the meds, and helped me get back to my regular life. I was very lucky that way. If I could go back though I probably would not have changed it, because it made me more resilient. When I get upset I try very hard not to let it swallow me, and I try harder at everything and have had a pretty good life since then. Now I know and my family knows the reason for all this and we can look at it in a different way-my mom always thought my shyness and diffuculty making friends later in life was b/c of these two missed years and I always wondered if they were all right and I really was crazy (I still worry about this!). I still don't like to think or talk about it though but this kind of helped even though it isn't really a typical situation for a lot of you. |
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Young_fogey
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 23, 2004
Posts: 315
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 10:34 pm Post subject: Awful |
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I'd say awful because 1) I have AS, 2) I didn't understand what was wrong with me (but knew something was wrong), 3) had parents who refused to get me help because they were ashamed of me and 4) the social isolation was made even worse because my mother either had AS or something like it.
With a diagnosis now, and parents and schools willing to help, kids today with AS have it so much better! |
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Postperson
The Daughter of Indifference
Joined: Jul 10, 2004
Age: 51
Posts: 2803
Location: Uz
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| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2004 12:05 am Post subject: |
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I was happy in my childish obliviousness and absorbed in the overwhelming colour and smells stuff, but my family life was strange in that my mother had grown up in a children's home as an unwanted child, so we were brought up in much the same authoritarian, distant, emotionless way she had been. I wasn't bullied at school (got bulled at work, later on), I was told I was 'shy' and that was how I explained my difference to people and to myself.
As I got a bit older I developed some awareness of my transgressions and mistakes and I could see that my family was not like other families and I developed severe depression as a teen. I think I've had a very hard life and now I take the pension and it's a relief not to be forced to work and mix with people. I have a dog for company so I guess I'm somewhat contented. Don't have much stress these days, but I've had to organise my life that way. |
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Arashi
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Sep 23, 2004
Posts: 65
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2004 11:21 pm Post subject: |
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Mixed.
I had fairly happy times when I was very young after school and weekends when I could choose who I hung out with and what I did. From about the 2nd grade on I had a miserable time in school. I was unable to concentrate in class, (I just stared out the windows and daydreamed). I had a terrible time doing homework, I'd put it off and agonize about it. My teachers and parents were always riding me about school and lecturing me. I always could ace the tests and pass my classes, but my grades were abysmal because I rarely turned in homework.
I did get picked on to a certain extent in elementary school, but nothing too bad.
When things got really bad was when we moved to another state when I was fourteen years old. I lost my small group of friends. I felt really out of place in the new school. Around that time I discovered computers which were just starting to come into the schools. I was instantly hooked on the little "worlds" inside the things. I made a few friends, (other computer geeks), but was still doing horrible in school. When I managed to get a computer of my own I stopped doing anything social after school and spent all my free time in my room learning about computers. Then I needed more time, so I started skipping classes in school to go to the computer lab. At that point my grades slipped from "D's" to "F's" and I ended up flunking out of 12th grade.
In the meantime I felt very alone. I was unable to date any girls. I had a few that really liked me but when it came time to get close, I'd "freeze up", and withdraw even though getting close is what I wanted more than anything.
I never went to college, but somehow managed to get into the computer field anyway. After I moved away from home I tried dating again, with the same miserable results.
Now I'm in my late 30's, married, with one child, (who's also diagnosed with AS). In general I'm still miserable, but somehow drifting through life anyway.
My wife and I are trying to get our son all the help he can get. What I want most is for him to get the help he needs so he won't have to go through what I did. As someone else said here, I wish I had the information and the help that exists for people with AS today.... |
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chamoisee
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 28, 2004
Posts: 922
Location: Idaho
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| Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2004 11:00 am Post subject: |
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My mom left when I was 3, so the rest of my childhood was scarred by the vivid memory of her departure. I didn't see her again until I was 12. However, I think that my early childhood (up until 2nd grade) could be classified as happy. I was pretty much left to myself to explore and spend hours alone outside and behind the hedges, making things, etc. I had an uncle (he was close enough in age to be more like a big brother) and I felt close to him; my grandparents were raising me at this time so the uncle and I lived in the same house.
I had a sort of messiah complex. I used to stand and watch social interactions and be baffled by the amount of blatant dishonesty, shallowness, and materialism. In my view, the world was all f****d up and it was my job to enlighten everyone, because I was sure that if they saw that they could be honest and forthright and more concerned about neat little snail shells under the hedge than money, they would do so. In my view, adults were equal and there was nothing wrong with my admonishing or preaching at them!!
Well, around second grade, things really went downhill. My 2nd grade teacher was very cruel, and she singled me out because I was different, and because I was constantly either doing things my own way, ignoring her, or standing up and telling the other kids an easier way to learn to read. She put me in a desk like hers, off in the corner of the room, segregated from the other kids, and threatened me with not being able to take my special art classes, which by this time were the only worthwhile thing left in school for me. I became an outcast. It just got worse until eighth grade. School was absolute torture. I dreaded every day of it. The other kids were mean, the teahcers were mean, and I was bullied from all sides. My solace was art, creativity, and reading. I couldn't understand a lot of what the teaacher said, _or_ I already had it down pat and he was broing, so I'd either draw or read encyclopedias during class.
The happy memories of my childhood are those in which I was alone, playing by myself, making things, coming up with ideas, sewing, etc. |
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animefreak
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jul 06, 2004
Posts: 173
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| Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 10:16 pm Post subject: |
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Me my childhood was sad so sad I blocked it out till I read this my parents treated me great it was society that treated me badly and hated and picked on me my parents knew someting was wrong with me and wanted to find out to help me but just basically everbody except 1 person said either i'm retarded or put me in a mental hospital and school was worse nobody liked me teachers hated me because i was quiet and different and one doctor who i hate and shall always hate  she thought that giving me a tour through a mental hospital would make me stop acting the way I acted (like a aspie) she told me this exactly if you don't stop acting like you are we will put you in here (that B@#$@! ) she showed me those big metal rooms with the scary doors  which scared me to death and those rooms with bedmatress walls and a place were they make you take medicine if you want to or not! and I was 6 at the time so I had no idea what I did wrong my parents hated her to but it was some time till we change to a nice guy who I really like and still do but for me a sad childhood |
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CockneyRebel
Sid The Love Rat :O)
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 33
Posts: 20860
Location: Out in the evening, with me two best Rat Mates, somewhere in Canada :O)
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| Posted: Thu Oct 21, 2004 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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| just reading your posts make me realise how lucky I was. I had a few bumps in the road, but nothing compared to what you people went through. It makes my childhood seem like Disneyland. I symthasize with all of you and I wish for a happy future for all of you. |
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