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Chimchar
Toucan
Joined: Feb 15, 2008
Age: 18
Posts: 269
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 Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:58 am Post subject: I'm writing a story about an Aspie teen. |
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This is the link to the story.
http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=ddgfj8tv_363b2mfphk&hl=en
I'm writing this book. It's about a14yr old boy with Aspergers, and he doesn't understand why he can't fit in. This is a scene of his meltdown.
I'm not sure if I'm protraying this well. But I have a fun thing we can do.
All you got to do is read this and try to figure out what traits Cain has that screams Aspie and how.
If you find something that's out of context, please let me know.
Happy reading. |
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Chaotica
Granted with powers, gifted with magic
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Age: 25
Posts: 1082
Location: Hyperborea, buried under the ice and snow
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:30 am Post subject: |
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I'm impressed. That's why I cannot judge whether the event is depicted correct or not. It's your vision and I'd be very glad to read the whole story soon  What I've read just now makes me FEEL, and there are very few stories that can do it. |
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UndercoverAlien
to fast to alien
Joined: Aug 11, 2008
Posts: 1072
Location: please tell me
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:45 am Post subject: |
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| theres already a story of an autistic teenager but it might be that its still only available in dutch if not then you could read it for inspiration its calld "niets is alles wat hij zij" its a dutch title theres also a movie about that book but i dont know if thats also already translated thats calld "ben x" (god that movie was sad bether dont let your parents see it) |
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PilotPirx
Deinonychus
Joined: May 09, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 300
Location: Amsterdam, NL
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:48 am Post subject: |
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That's very good written. Even the dialogue parts are live like.
Only one small detail:
"The fact that he was the only one who answered twelve consecutive questions correctly gave him a sense of power and superiority towards the other students. If I can remind those uneducated people that I am much smarter than them, if I can prove it to them, they’ll definitely accept me into their group."
The first sentence I would agree with. This feeling of power if you know the answers I remember somehow from my own time in school.
But: I would never have made the error to think, that the other kids would like me more for being good in school. I was well aware, that the opposite is true. I just didn't care what they think and gave the correct answer anyway (like Cain does, when the other kid answers wrong).
Maybe this is a question about how much Aspie somebody is (or which age exactly), some Aspies (or very young children) with very weak social knowledge may really think that they're loved for being better.
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Chimchar
Toucan
Joined: Feb 15, 2008
Age: 18
Posts: 269
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 6:51 pm Post subject: Thanks |
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Thank you for your feedback. I was embarassed when I submitted this. This story was based on my experiences.
By the way did you think that I went overboard with the meltdown and his behavior? |
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Aguila
Blue Jay
Joined: Sep 21, 2008
Age: 13
Posts: 92
Location: In a galaxy far far away...
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:05 pm Post subject: |
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That was really good. I liked how he kept giving more and more information and kept thinking "maybe I should stop". Everything he does sounds like stuff I think of doing but dont.
I also agree with PilotPirx.
I would like to read the rest sometime... |
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Callista
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 04, 2006
Age: 25
Posts: 1663
Location: Central USA
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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I don't know why a socially naive kid would use 'nigger' as an insult... I mean, it's probably one of the worst possible things you can call a black person, so if you used it, you'd be using it because you knew just how much it will hurt. It wouldn't immediately occur to an Aspie unless he'd been exposed to it being used quite a lot. If I were writing the story, I would probably try an insult that's been used on the main character a great deal. On the other hand, if you're considering having racial issues be a part of this, it could be interesting.
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gbollard
cosmic hobo
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3269
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:34 pm Post subject: |
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Chimchar,
The writing is quite good though I think you've stuck a bit too strongly to the Aspie stereotypes - ie: what most of the NTs already "know". If possible, can you write more as yourself. I think a lot of us remember experiences like this at school but unless you're deliberately writing comedy, I'd leave the fart out. I can't ever remember farting during or leading up to a meltdown. You've got enough material there to lead towards a meltdown without it. A bit more on his feelings and symptoms would help too... "his face burned, it felt like he'd just been slapped" - "everyone was starring at him - why!", he thought "stop looking at me dammit." - more internal rage... "his blood boiled and he made little fists with his hands, grinding them into the desk" and "he gritted his teeth as his muscles tensed - he just wanted to shut those voices up"...
Remember also that a meltdown is usually a cumulative effect. It would be great to include some lines which indicate that it's happened to him in the past and that he's irritated by it. For example - instead of having him answer the previous 11 questions - it might be better to say that he had known the answer to the last eleven questions and had been the first up with his hand but hadn't been picked.... "why was she passing him over again! why did it always have to be like this! ... every single <curse> class."
Anyway - good work - and sorry if this post offends...
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http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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Spokane_Girl
I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more
Joined: Jul 17, 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 3853
Location: Benny & Joon town (I wish)
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:03 pm Post subject: |
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No I don't think you went overboard. The meltdown the kid was having was a form of it. It reminded me of getting anxious and all stressed out because the teacher wasn't coming to me when I was in high school or I couldn't keep up with the teacher talking and the teacher wasn't calling on me when I have my hand raised. It be frustrating when I be listening to something interesting but can't keep up with the information and I miss some of it what I am hearing and there is no rewind button. That's why I like having the DVR.
When you want the kid to have a meltdown, you should have it based on your own meltdowns. It just makes it easier.
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Chimchar
Toucan
Joined: Feb 15, 2008
Age: 18
Posts: 269
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 10:04 am Post subject: |
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| Callista wrote: | | I don't know why a socially naive kid would use 'nigger' as an insult... I mean, it's probably one of the worst possible things you can call a black person, so if you used it, you'd be using it because you knew just how much it will hurt. It wouldn't immediately occur to an Aspie unless he'd been exposed to it being used quite a lot. If I were writing the story, I would probably try an insult that's been used on the main character a great deal. On the other hand, if you're considering having racial issues be a part of this, it could be interesting. |
Actually, when he gets back from his suspension. (After the meltdown scene.) He's going to analyze what kids are into, like what they eat and wear. (He wore his sister's Hollister clothes to school.) And he begins to imitate them. The "Nigger" was used as a friendly term, but when Cain used it to be friendly, he got beat up. |
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wrongchild
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Sep 06, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 37
Location: Taiwan
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 11:05 am Post subject: |
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Excellent story. Lots of things mentioned here, tend to show
others how smart Im, disturb the class, embarrass the teacher.
But as I grew older I learned how to control myself. Never
raise my hand, never talk during the class, avoid any conflict
with others. |
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Spokane_Girl
I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more
Joined: Jul 17, 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 3853
Location: Benny & Joon town (I wish)
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 11:10 am Post subject: |
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I have always known Nigger was a bad word because my mother told me when I was 12. I heard it a few times when I moved to Montana but I still dared not to use it because I was told it was a very bad hurtful word worse than the f word.
But I don't understand why it's okay for blacks to call each other that but when a white person does it, they don't like it. Some even beat you up for it.
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gbollard
cosmic hobo
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3269
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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I don't understand what you're supposed to refer to black people as either... I can never figure it out socially. People ask me about someone - oh, which person is he (pointing in the distance) - or what did he look like... I tell them, tall, dark hair, etc...
Then later they come back and say "well, why didn't you say he was the black guy!"
It's weird... I don't understand racism
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Gavin.
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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Spokane_Girl
I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more
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Age: 23
Posts: 3853
Location: Benny & Joon town (I wish)
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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Just describe their skin color too.
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DJRnold
Velociraptor
Joined: Jan 25, 2008
Age: 17
Posts: 490
Location: Barrie, Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:35 pm Post subject: |
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If that's what a meltdown is, I've had plenty of meltdowns.
I have a question about your story: Who is your taget audience? Children and many teenagers are likely to laugh at the word "anus". Maybe you should use different words to explain that part. |
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