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LePetitPrince
Feminist activist O_o
Joined: Mar 03, 2006
Age: 26
Posts: 3458
Location: Beirut , Lebanon
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 Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 10:53 am Post subject: "Join a club " advice |
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'Join a club" of an activity you like is another cliché advice given for loner people who are seeking for friends or relations.
Now joining a club is surely an advantage , it increases your social skills and makes you more interesting.
However, it's ineffective way of making friends for loners ...for several reasons:
1- People in general join a club to engage an activity that they like and not to expand their social life
2- People usually join a club with a friend/group of friends/bf/gf - people usually don't join clubs alone , so they will stick to their group and won't give much attentions to others especially to loner strangers.
3- People usually don't approach loner strangers in a social event or place (except bars maybe), they usually approach a group of 2 at least of people , that's why it will be much harder for a loner to gain friends through a club.( it will be much effective if you join a club with a friend ...but again we are talking about friendless loners here)
So in sum, joining a club is effective to expand social life for people who have already a friend or friends or gf/bf but not for making friends from scratch. A loner might gain temporarly aquaintances but not friends. |
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0_equals_true
Quack!
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 5005
Location: London
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:58 am Post subject: |
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Well I've been doing martial arts for a while. But I don't want to be friends with these people outside of the martial arts, just as training buddy scenario. However there are time when I had to wriggle out social advances. One guy wanted me to do programming work for him for free and it was a result of going to a subway (yuck) after martial arts, and failing to keep my mouth shut about my special interest. That guy was a prick, fortunately he left. I did go to a bar, with a couple of them, wriggled out of it the second time so it wouldn't be a regular thing. Apart from that I went to Christmas parties. These are impersonal enough because everyone is there.
Anyway I didn't really have any social pressure doing martial art for a round 9 months or so.
When I did badminton I had some bad experience with a girl. I was a lot more naïve socially, but that is behind me now.
It depends, but yes joining a club doesn't teach you social skills. It isn't necessarily the type of people you want to be close friends with. People are going there for different reasons but mostly is something to do with what they are doing in the activity, i.e. exercise. 
They are definitely social opportunities in them. But those are more advanced level usually.
Personally my recommendation is one on one, which is what worked for me. Reason is that groups are very complicated things socially. I had success by focusing on making friends with people on an individual basis, then slowly building on that like a tar ball 
Some people might stay occasional friends for a while, or forever, then move on don’t try and force people to be your friend. There are different types of friends; this took me a long time to grasp this. Some people just want to be your tennis buddy, etc. That is it. It makes sense once you start getting one or two friends.
The friends I have now, we didn't know each other before they met, it works better that way.
You know the thing about people having some friends and being reluctant others to join the circle? It is true to an extent, but trust me you will be a hypocrite too. As personable as your character is, sometimes more people=tiring. When a whole load of new people come it can become ten times more complicated. Even people on this board reminiscing about the 'old days' are exhibiting the exact same behaviour. They form cliques naturally, and become alienated from new members.
My friends have their friends. I have met them once or twice, but it is a different circle and I like it that way. I slowly make new acquaintances with people who I like and find interesting, I’m not overdoing it at the moment.
Long term my friends might move away (one of them keeps hinting), so I think I have to start being more social again, to find other groups. The difficulty is my friends are kind of ideal for me, in they are not so needy, so I can see them about 2-4 weeks. Well one of them likes to go out every night but fortunately he has lots of people to ask. So I have to find people that don’t demand my attention 24/7.
So you need to find people who are looking for new friend elsewhere, in a different capacity from their current group of friends, or those that don’t have any already. For some people a club might be the answer. It does depend on the club.
Socially clued up people are in multiple circles of friends. They understand the whole ‘networking’ dynamic. This can be like being in a minefield for someone on the spectrum. Keep things a simple as possible.
I think people don’t get the time scale involved in making friend in a club anyway. I could be years sometimes before anyone suggests anything social outside the club, that doesn’t mean it is not worthwhile though. It depends what you want to achieve, what sorts of friends. You want.
Martial arts has been excellent practice in being around different sort of people and dealing with social situations, even if I don’t want friendship out of it. Don’t underestimate how useful this can be even if it is really difficult sometimes.
I didn’t have reciprocal friends till 23/24 years old so it can be done. |
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BPalmer
Sea Gull
Joined: Jul 26, 2008
Posts: 243
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:49 pm Post subject: |
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| 0_equals_true wrote: | | I didn’t have reciprocal friends till 23/24 years old so it can be done. |
Yeah, I was extremely late in grasping the concept of friendship. And I'd attribute my ability to form friendships more recently (i.e. over the last five or six years) to the internet. It's a medium I feel way more comfortable in, for initiating friendships (and meeting those friends in person sooner or later). |
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Morgana
Sea Gull
Joined: Sep 21, 2008
Posts: 235
Location: Hamburg, Germany
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 4:38 pm Post subject: |
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I´m glad you mentioned this club thing. This advice is constantly given as a good way to meet people of the opposite sex, too. On paper it sounds like pretty good advice; but where are these clubs??? I haven´t been able to find any. Of course, maybe a lot of my interests just happen to be things best done/studied alone, or at least nothing anyone starts a club about. Hmmmm......
So, no, haven´t been able to get it to work for me either. 
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"death is the road to awe" |
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Keeno
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 09, 2006
Posts: 1033
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:35 pm Post subject: |
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I used to get this "join a club" advice. It was horrendous. It was something I was harassed by my parents to do. I remember being accused of simply ignoring the advice when it was more like no local clubs interested me.
Then the pressure placed on me was so intense that I just joined a couple of clubs that I wasn't really interested in joining. I only went to one meeting of each of them, because I then ended up returning to Edinburgh.
Once back there, there were obviously more clubs available. I went to two or three clubs on one/two occasions before getting fed up and deciding they weren't for me - and not meeting people through them. I was still getting the pressure to be part of clubs.
I then discovered there was an Esperanto association in the city and I started to attend it. I attended for maybe a year and a half and it was something I actually enjoyed and I was interested in it. But I stopped going because again, I wasn't really meeting people. There were only like three other regular members and in hindsight I have a feeling they were all Aspies who had Esperanto as a special interest.
Then, a few years later, I joined my church. In a way that's a club. I still attend. Then I found out about Asperger's and I found there was a society and I joined it. These are cases where I joined because I wanted to participate in the activity, and now I am chairperson of the Asperger group. |
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0_equals_true
Quack!
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 5005
Location: London
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 6:34 pm Post subject: |
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| BPalmer wrote: | | 0_equals_true wrote: | | I didn’t have reciprocal friends till 23/24 years old so it can be done. |
Yeah, I was extremely late in grasping the concept of friendship. And I'd attribute my ability to form friendships more recently (i.e. over the last five or six years) to the internet. It's a medium I feel way more comfortable in, for initiating friendships (and meeting those friends in person sooner or later). |
Yep. I met my friends on the internet too. The key thing is to be able to establish a face to face relationship.
I'm not at all active in internet culture really, even though I'm a programmer and understand how it works. I never really taken to chat, it does my head in. Just stuck to forums, they suit my needs. I've always been realistic. People online are always different then in person, as long as you realise that you’ll be ok. |
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Jkid
Sea Gull
Joined: Jan 20, 2008
Posts: 212
Location: College Park,MD
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 9:25 pm Post subject: |
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That advice is definitely not helpfully during high school, where the only way to truly fit in is to drink beer underage, get stoned and break the law.
And definitely not helpful for bullied children. |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2528
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:13 am Post subject: |
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You're not alone in thinking this is cliche advice. Join the club!
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"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Electric_Kite
Toucan
Joined: Aug 21, 2008
Age: 33
Posts: 269
Location: crashing to the ground
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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Clubs are very hit and miss in terms of finding people who are actually willing and worth making friends of.
Still, points two and three are not always true, and point one so largely false as to be absurd.
I have made good friends at clubs. Once or twice. Mostly I make aquaintances who provide me with certain advantages related to whatever shared interest the club is about. The whole club is a bunch of people who are not friends but formally maintain friendly terms so they can exchange information and do favours for one another. It is, as 0_equals_true said, 'networking' and it's difficult and fairly unfun.
Yes, it may take years before club-members socialise outside of the context of the club, or it may never happen at all. Or it might happen instantly. I certainly would not recommend that one join a club that its about a shared interest that you don't have, in order to 'make friends.' That would be annoying to those actually interested. Nor would I recommend joining a club that is just about making friends (for instance, the 'Neighborhood Women's Association' things my grandmother was forever doing) because without a common interest it's even easier to bomb. |
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stimpysuzie
Blue Jay
Joined: Dec 27, 2007
Posts: 81
Location: Not where I want to be
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 9:25 pm Post subject: |
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I would love to join a club to meet people with common interests, but I think the OP has hit the nail on the head as to why I don't bother.
Dancing is something I would love to persue again but I am petrified of making a fool of myself and I also don't like mirrors.
If it weren't for the mirrors and the "adults" then I would do it again.
All I can do is read about dancing. Sad I know. but sure what can you do!
Later Later
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Diagnosed Aspergers and ADHD
Too weird to live, too rare to die |
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MickeyJones
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Aug 31, 2008
Posts: 32
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 9:03 pm Post subject: |
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wow i didnt realize so many people here are feeling the exact same way i have. i've been dwelling with the problem for as long as i can remember. i've tried joining so many different clubs just to find some sort of problem:
1. my personality and lifestyle doesnt come close to matching others in the club
2. people stay in their cliques way too much and dont even care you exist
3. i dont realy have an interest in the club
4. the club doesnt do many social related actviites outside meetings |
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MissConstrue
~Age of Aquarius~
Joined: Feb 05, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 11893
Location: Anywhere but HERE!
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 12:44 am Post subject: |
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I guess I just space out whenever I get into something that interests me. I get as far enjoying the company of some people who share the same interest as me and that's it.
I went to do some volunteer work at an animal shelter and met a few people there that I felt comfortable around. The aspect of it all is staying or getting in touch with them. I seem to lack the social ability for small talk especially on a phone. Usually when I do try and make small talk I get lost in it and that may come off as akward or confusing to the other person. This is the most agonizing thing I've had to deal with most of my life. I even had a book on how to appropriately socialize but I think most of this comes out subconsciously from an NT's mind that is usually taken for granted!! It's like I want to talk but something stunts me from finding the right words in such random talk. The only talk that doesn't seem to stunt me is if it's related to an interest or topic. So that's usually why I get into something that interests me.
As for clubs, I'm not so sure. I don't work hard at trying to make friends or relationships. I used to try and be "normal" like the rest of my peers. Yet even when I did succeed in that area, I felt like I had to hide the real me and put on this visage. Even that was hard to fake! So I've tried to accept my oddities more so than I used to. I find the more relaxed I am with myself, the more relaxed I am with the other person whether they have reason to ostracize me or not. In fact I've had some people say how intersting I am once I let my oddity out.
I do think the Join a club is overrated. It's not easy for some people to just get up and integrate with a bunch of strangers. If I join a club, I don't think I'd stay long if it involved competition within a social hierarchy or anything that involved me having to fake something I can't. Often I find situations like this comprised of a group of people who have known eachother for a while and hesitant to greet a newcomer unless you're outgoing enough to greet yourself or social enough to get in on a conversation amongst the clique.
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Oh you can't help that. We're all mad here.
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6thSin:Envy |
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MickeyJones
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Aug 31, 2008
Posts: 32
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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| yea its very hard to break into cliques at clubs. then again, there really arent any other ways to make friends at college other than clubs |
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Zane
Deinonychus
Joined: Apr 13, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 300
Location: Tempe, Arizona
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 3:54 pm Post subject: Re: "Join a club " advice |
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| LePetitPrince wrote: | 'Join a club" of an activity you like is another cliché advice given for loner people who are seeking for friends or relations.
Now joining a club is surely an advantage , it increases your social skills and makes you more interesting.
However, it's ineffective way of making friends for loners ...for several reasons:
1- People in general join a club to engage an activity that they like and not to expand their social life
2- People usually join a club with a friend/group of friends/bf/gf - people usually don't join clubs alone , so they will stick to their group and won't give much attentions to others especially to loner strangers.
3- People usually don't approach loner strangers in a social event or place (except bars maybe), they usually approach a group of 2 at least of people , that's why it will be much harder for a loner to gain friends through a club.( it will be much effective if you join a club with a friend ...but again we are talking about friendless loners here)
So in sum, joining a club is effective to expand social life for people who have already a friend or friends or gf/bf but not for making friends from scratch. A loner might gain temporary acquaintances but not friends. |
You seem to assume that friend come like magic. They don't. You know the old saying "Make friends" well that is exactly what you do. You make them, first you meet people and find common ground. Then you set up times to "hang" or "chill" or in my case do the actual activity discussed e.g. board games, or jamming (making music)
I think you might just have a distorted view on reality. There are clubs for everyone. Heck I used to play Magic, and every Friday night there id be with my friends... eventually though I realized, oh jeez sat up looked around and realized there were no women at these events. And so I upgraded and began spending my money else where like on video game joints e.g. Dave and Busters or Gameworks. I also began to just talk to people especially women, they do not bite just either A turn you down or B continue conversation.
So do not try and say clubs wont work, until you actually try them out. For example do you read? Join a book club. You don't read, maybe you should. Women love books as to intelligent people, then you can easily pick up friends or in my case women from your local book stores...
-Zane
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No one grows by sitting at home; so get up, get out, and get a life. |
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lotusblossom
Velociraptor
Joined: Jan 14, 2008
Posts: 461
Location: UK
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 4:26 pm Post subject: |
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Ive been a member of all sorts of different clubs and groups, i make friends quite easily anywhere but...
I can not maintain friendships, I cant keep it up and find even exchanging emails stressful, let alone meeting people for coffee. Also I make a mistake and people drop me like a hot brick.
It does not matter about meeting people if one does not have the skill to maintain a relationship/friendship.
Face it LPP your only option is to marry me  |
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