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Lainey
Emu Egg
Joined: Oct 06, 2008
Posts: 4
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 Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:16 am Post subject: My 13yr old Aspie son thinks he's gay |
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Hi
Just wondering if anyone else out there has had this experience?
Unfortunately DS has announced this on his facebook page and it has been spread around his school!
He seems quite happy about this and is liking the gay label. He has never liked the Aspie label and prefers not to tell people about this!
also he seems to have made some femail friends since he 'came out' and this is really pleasing him!
He says he has felt different for a number of years. I can't help thinking that perhaps he feels different because of his aspergers and has kind of got this confused in his head.
It's difficult to have a really deep conversation with him about this as he is not good at communuicating feelings and tends to just blow a fuse.
He went out with a girl a couple of times a few months ago and I wonder if she has tried to touch or kiss him and he has not liked it. He does not like being touched!
Has anyone any advice as how to support him through this? |
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patternist
Stirring the pot....
Joined: Jul 29, 2008
Age: 35
Posts: 1833
Location: wouldn't you like to know?
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:25 am Post subject: |
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Wow, well, I remember being 13 and I think the best thing you can do is try to be supportive and not second guess him. And of course, make sure if he is actually practicing (he probably isn't), that he practicies safe sex.
Gay isn't the end of the world (I'm sure you know this) and if he has to experiment to figure out who he is and what his comfort level is, then so be it.
Good luck accepting this and helping him accept himself. |
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DiabloDave363
Deinonychus
Joined: May 17, 2008
Age: 15
Posts: 331
Location: New England
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:29 am Post subject: |
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| well maybe he is gay. May be bi, 2 of my friends r. |
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Lainey
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Joined: Oct 06, 2008
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:33 am Post subject: |
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No, he isn't practising. It's against the law at his age and he does like to obey rules 
i know it's not the end of the world if he is i just can't help wondering if he is mistaking his differences for being gay.
He seems to be getting a bit kudos for it just now but we stay in a very small town so I can't help worrying about bullying. He has been bullied in the past as he is a bit different! |
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Mikomi
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Joined: Jan 25, 2008
Posts: 781
Location: On top of your TV, lookin' at you funny.
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:09 pm Post subject: |
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Maybe he is gay. Either way, I think being supportive is the right approach. There is a BIG difference between feeling different because you have AS and feeling different because you are gay. I am bi, and I can tell you I was attracted to my own gender LONG before I was attracted to people of the opposite sex.
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slowmutant
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Joined: Feb 14, 2008
Age: 29
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:12 pm Post subject: |
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I don'th think it's likely that the boy mistook his AS for homosexuality. They are, unto each other different kinds of "different", if you catch my meaning.
Gay is not the end of the world. |
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Ishmael
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Location: Australia
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:23 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I agree with slowmutant to a point - different kinds of different, but the boy probably wouldn't realize it and would be trying to find any explanation. It isn't unheard of.
The problem isn't so much if he is gay, but rather if he isn't but believes he must be, otherwise he wouldn't feel different. That sort of mindset can be damaging.
Perhaps, if he gets angry because he thinks you simply don't want him to be gay, have a gay person speak to him about it instead?
I shouldn't think it'd be a question, either, of him not knowing if he's gay or not - at thirteen, almost everybody knows, even if a small pocket might wish to deny.
If at 13 he's already gone out with girls, and then suddenly become gay - rather than tyically something gradual, it does seem a reaction to be seen in a more accepted difference. After all, aspies are subject to great stress in school environments, and accused of horrible things.
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Gromit
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:25 pm Post subject: Re: My 13yr old Aspie son thinks he's gay |
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| Lainey wrote: | | Just wondering if anyone else out there has had this experience? |
Sort of. Not having fallen in love by the ripe old age of 19, I briefly wondered whether I might be gay and just hadn't noticed yet. Trying to imagine love with a guy quickly persuaded me that wasn't it.
| Lainey wrote: | | No, he isn't practising. It's against the law at his age and he does like to obey rules |
Then the biggest potential problem is bullying. For strategies to reduce specifically homophobic bullying, advice from a gay and lesbian group might be best. They have the experience, and regardless of what your son's sexual orientation eventually turns out to be, as long as he proclaims himself to be gay, the experiences of gay people will be relevant. |
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annotated_alice
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 26, 2008
Posts: 170
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:54 pm Post subject: |
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| patternist wrote: | | the best thing you can do is try to be supportive and not second guess him. |
I think this is sound advice. If he says he is gay, take it at face value. If he is in fact mistaking his differences (which seems unlikely), that's something he'll have to figure out on his own when he's ready.
It does seem like a great idea to have a discussion with him about some of the discrimination or bullying he may face now that he is out. Getting in contact with your local PFLAG organization may also be a good idea, support for you both. |
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ValMikeSmith
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Joined: May 19, 2008
Posts: 488
Location: Stranger in a strange land
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 3:53 pm Post subject: |
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In my own experience, I am much more socially accepted (by both sexes)
and more socially comfortable, thus more social, in a gay atmosphere.
And by "gay atmosphere" I mean any situation where any of these may be so:
1.People assume that I'm gay.
2.People assume that there are gay people present.
3.There is no doubt whatsoever that there are gay people present.
In contrast, it's "like I'm not even there" in many other environments.
I have the AS symptom of lifetime "involuntary celibacy". Never even dated. (Or maybe 2x)
I've been out of school longer than it took to graduate, for a hint of my age. |
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patternist
Stirring the pot....
Joined: Jul 29, 2008
Age: 35
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 4:16 pm Post subject: |
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You know, it is possible that he is identifying with a subculture that is associated with social/personality differences by the general populace but is better accepted that Asperger's/autism.
Still, the not second guessing him advice still applies, as long as the situation won't permanently injure him or ruin his chances of ever acheiving success in life. |
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DW_a_mom
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Posts: 1251
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 5:42 pm Post subject: |
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I'll tell you my thoughts on it, and I probably would have blurted those thoughts out immediately if it was my child, but that may not be the best ... for now, these are just one more factor to consider.
I think 13 is too young to reach a definite conclusion about one's sexuality. It is an age of questions and exploration, and it's easier to go through the process and "try things on" if you don't have to feel you are bound to the decisions you might make today. I think it's best to keep it all open ended, and to realize that it is perfectly normal for straight kids to think what it might be like to be with someone of the same sex, to have interest and attraction there, simply because so many hormones are racing and so much is going on that everything is up for grabs (or vice a versa). Most people (IMHO) are "mostly" gay or straight, more like 90% / 10%, or 70% / 30%, not "either" "or," so a child is going to cycle through a lot of different feelings. And I think they should allow themselves that, without having to put a name and a box onto it that may limit future choices.
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Apatura
Mimosa pudica
Joined: Jul 25, 2006
Age: 35
Posts: 1240
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 6:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Lainey wrote: |
i know it's not the end of the world if he is i just can't help wondering if he is mistaking his differences for being gay. |
This is very possible. I wondered if I was a lesbian because I always felt so weird and different from the other girls, and I didn't like being pawed at by boys. But then I discovered I didn't like being pawed at by girls either! 
This is one of those things where only time will tell. But he is awfully young... I hope he waits before he tests his hypothesis. |
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slowmutant
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Age: 29
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:48 pm Post subject: |
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This 13 year old kid, does he know what "gay" actually means? He may not understand the difference between heterosexuality and homosexuality.
Good luck kid, wherever you are! |
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lau
Quinquaginta Novem! Male Gee-knee-us + silly bits.
Joined: Jun 18, 2006
Age: 59
Posts: 7448
Location: Somerset UK
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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Because I have just finished reading "Born on a Blue Day", by Daniel Hammet, I'd like to give a relevant quote from there. In chapter 6: "Adolescence", he says: | Quote: | | From the age of eleven I knew that I was attracted to other boys, although it would be several years before I considered myself 'gay'. |
He was not diagnosed with AS until he was 25.
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