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musicforanna
Toucan
Joined: Jul 01, 2006
Age: 24
Posts: 280
Location: Kansas City, Missouri
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 Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:52 pm Post subject: |
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I hate being called 'pet names.' It's usually either condescending or someone who wants in my pants... it doesn't strike me as endearing.
Even my boyfriend of 7 years knows that I don't like most of those names (I do let him call me honey though because that's the least-annoying one of the bunch for me).
Hearing people call me pet names has the same kind of effect on me as minding your own business reading/playing music/drawing/painting when someone is peering over your shoulder breathing on the back of your neck looking at what you're doing. On impulse I want to take the paint brush and smear it on them and tell them to get the hell away from me. Of course I try to stay tactful. But you know the livid feeling inside of me. |
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LeKiwi
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 27, 2007
Posts: 2589
Location: The murky waters of my mind...
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 2:11 pm Post subject: |
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It used to bother me a lot, I hated it, because I never knew how to respond - were they hitting on me? If so, how do I react? Were they just being friendly? If so, why are they calling me that when they don't know me?
It doesn't bother me so much now that I live somewhere where virtually everyone will call you 'hun' or 'my lover' (that one threw me the first few times!!!!!) or 'buddy' or 'mush'. I think it's quite sweet, because I understand that it's a term of friendship... kinda like extending the proverbial hand, but doing it with words. It's just an affectionate term to show someone's interested.
I hate it when people use it all the time though if they don't know me. Friends I don't mind so much (mostly because I only really have a circle of close friends, none of those kinda ones on the periphery who you don't know that well), they can call me whatever they like as long as they're looking at me and I know they're talking to me! My partner always calls me sweetheart, but that's kinda our thing, I'll call him it back.
I have to admit, 'dude', 'buddy' and 'chicky' have been my saviours more than a few times. I've got a terrible memory for names, even if I've met someone 10 times before, so being able to say "Hey dude!" is such a lifeline rather than embarassing myself and them by asking their name!! 
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BokeKaeru
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 23, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 507
Location: Alternately Los Angeles, CA and Northampton, MA
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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Depends on the context. Someone like in Fnord's situation, with the waitress... that wouldn't be weird. Nicknames or pet names that are not insulting from mentor figures or family members, also not weird.
A random person doing so in hopes of getting in my pants? I'd go away. And fast, too. They wouldn't even be able to hope for being in the "friend zone," let alone anything else (trying for that sort of relationship is already a lost cause anyways, regardless of how they go about it). I want a partner with respect for, not condescension towards, me. |
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Amicitia
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Aug 23, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 58
Location: NJ, USA
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:04 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | its awkward to ask someone what thier name is in the first couple seconds of a conversation. |
It isn't awkward, it's called an introduction. "Hi, I'm X. What's your name?" We may not have chosen our names, but most people feel a connection to their names and like to be called by them. And if, by chance, the person you're talking to *doesn't* like their given name, they can tell you their nickname or chosen name. It's not like you're interrogating them for their legal identity.
Do you think part of the problem is English? Many languages have complicated systems of pronouns or verbs to show different social relations, but English is much more subtle about this. |
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Emoal6
Toucan
Joined: May 16, 2006
Age: 23
Posts: 289
Location: phoenix AZ
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 2:33 am Post subject: |
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Well obviously you all dont know what its like in the midwest. You know, in some of those cities that shouldnt even be called a city for being so small. In iowa, or indiana, my home state of illinois, my mother's of wisconsin.
You also seem to be pretty cynical. Its not ok to show love anymore in this world, and its you women doing this. A person doesnt have to love you physically or have even known you to give a term of endearment.
You wonder why chivalry is dead. Its no longer socially acceptable You all want to be "respected", which is ridiculous. Its absolutely recockulous that some of you are so "IN YOUR OWN WORLD" that you cant be bothered TO ALLOW someone to be THEMSELF around you. You make your insecurities a rule for the world to follow.
Admittedly so, some guys are just sleezeballs. But if you cant tell by thier tone of voice that they're trying to play you, its absurd. you havent watched enough movies or tv to understand how 95% of guys like that talk and act? OR you havent been played enough to understand it? Its mindboggling.
Get off your high horse and learn about how people USED to act. HOW PEOPLE STILL ACT IN THE MIDWEST. How it was Ok to just show love towards everyone. It was ok to just be a great guy and call every woman doll or babe. Not every person who calls you dear or darlin doesnt care. Sometimes that waitress is just being friendly, and sometimes that guy is just trying to put a smile on your face. Its your fault you dont like it, you put a negative spin to it, not the person saying it. You women have ruined this world with that crap. |
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LeKiwi
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 27, 2007
Posts: 2589
Location: The murky waters of my mind...
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 1:33 pm Post subject: |
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I mostly quite like it... though there have been times my partner's been like "He was flirting with you so badly, the nerve!" and I've been like "Huh? I didn't notice, he was just being friendly." "No he wasn't!!".
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spudnik
Ain't I a Stinker
Joined: Feb 20, 2008
Posts: 3775
Location: Calgary, Alberta Canada
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 1:59 pm Post subject: |
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The French have terms of endearment down to a fine art, and some are quite funny.
mon petit coeur de sucre (my little sugar heart)
mon tresor (my treasure)
ma belle (my beautiful)
mon tresor (my treasure)
ma puce (my little flea)
ma bichette (my little goat or little deer)
ma petite crotte (my little poop)
My mom would call our little poodle petite crotte.
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LKL
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 22, 2007
Age: 32
Posts: 1081
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 3:46 pm Post subject: |
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| Emoal6 wrote: | | Well obviously you all dont know what its like in the midwest. You know, in some of those cities that shouldnt even be called a city for being so small. In iowa, or indiana, my home state of illinois, my mother's of wisconsin. |
Presumably Montana counts as 'midwest,' and despite being there when I was a cute teenager I noticed no difference in people calling me by fake endearments from living on the coast.
| Quote: | | You also seem to be pretty cynical. Its not ok to show love anymore in this world, and its you women doing this. A person doesnt have to love you physically or have even known you to give a term of endearment. |
Newsflash: It is not possible to love someone if you don't know them. You might 'love' what you think they represent, but until you know them you have no idea if that representation has any relationship with reality.
| Quote: | | You all want to be "respected", which is ridiculous. |
*snort*
That rather speaks for itself.
| Quote: | | some of you are so "IN YOUR OWN WORLD" that you cant be bothered TO ALLOW someone to be THEMSELF around you. You make your insecurities a rule for the world to follow. |
Look who's talking. You're incensed that we don't want to be treated like children, as though it were some assault against you to treat women as adult human beings - what, is your ego so tied up with being able to dismiss women? I don't give a damn if you're 'yourself' around me, but if you treat me like a child I'm not going to be very appreciative. You can be yourself, but you can't expect everyone to like if if your natural self is a bigot.
| Quote: | | if you cant tell by thier tone of voice that they're trying to play you, its absurd. |
I absolutely do grant that tone of voice makes a huge difference, but in general it is not acceptable for a stranger my own age or younger to be calling me by a term of endearment generally limited to children and nuclear family members.
| Quote: | | ...you havent watched enough movies or tv to understand how 95% of guys like that talk and act? |
I know a grand total of 1 man who habitually uses terms of endearment. He's probably 30 years older than me, so I tolerate it. None of the men my own age or younger, that I know or have met, use it with people they respect; the only exception were some 20-ish mormon missionaries who wanted me to call them "elder" despite being clearly younger than me. I also don't see it that often in movies or on tv. I do encounter it sometimes in patients, but again they're usually old enough to be my grandparents and that's fine. As I said previously, I see my coworkers using it with patients and it is a term of control, not of respect or affection.
| Quote: | | Get off your high horse and learn about how people USED to act. HOW PEOPLE STILL ACT IN THE MIDWEST. |
Get off your high horse and learn how people act NOW. HOW PEOPLE ACT ON THE COASTS, where most of the American population is.
| Quote: | | How it was Ok to just show love towards everyone. It was ok to just be a great guy and call every woman doll or babe. |
How you are expected to show basic human respect towards other adult humans. It is ok to be a great guy and treat women like real people, and ask their names.
| Quote: | | Not every person who calls you dear or darlin doesnt care. Sometimes that waitress is just being friendly, and sometimes that guy is just trying to put a smile on your face. Its your fault you dont like it, you put a negative spin to it, not the person saying it. You women have ruined this world with that crap. |
Not every person who treats you like an adult human is unfriendly or doesn't care. They're being polite, and they know that men don't have the right to expect women to be smiling dolls whose sole purpose is to be attractive scenery. It's your fault that you don't like treating women as adults, you put a negative spin on it, not the person saying it. The world is a much better place for women today than it used to be, because of that respect. |
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Amicitia
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Aug 23, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 58
Location: NJ, USA
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 4:05 pm Post subject: |
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Who are you, Emoal6? I'm beginning to suspect that we're not having an actual debate here, but that you're just a troll. I looked at your profile and you're the same age as me, so please don't lecture me about "how people used to act".
I'm going to talk to the other people in this thread now.
| Quote: | | The French have terms of endearment down to a fine art, and some are quite funny. |
I'm still baffled by "ma chou" (my cabbage).
| Quote: | | the only exception were some 20-ish mormon missionaries who wanted me to call them "elder" despite being clearly younger than me. |
I'm pretty sure that "elder" is the title of a position within the church, and has nothing to do with the person's age. It takes the place of "mr./mrs." in front of a person's name. And, like other earned titles (for example, doctor, professor, or senator), you would use it regardless of whether the person is older or younger than you. |
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0_equals_true
Quack!
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 5005
Location: London
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: |
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| As a man I've had the same treatment from female strangers. It can be a bit odd sometimes. |
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Cyberman
Cyber Lieutenant
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1259
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 5:17 pm Post subject: |
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| I've found that it's mostly women who use terms of endearment on strangers, to both men AND other women. |
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0_equals_true
Quack!
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 5005
Location: London
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 5:36 pm Post subject: |
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There is plain endearment and 'social flirting' which can be confusing for an Aspie. I know some people got awfully wound up in the Love Dating over it a while back. I can be hard, but I try not to let to let that stuff bother me. I just put it down to human behaviour. If you study animals they aren't particularly 'local' in their behaviour, either.
I mean sometimes it takes the biscuit, like some school girls on the bus saying 'My mate fancies you', etc.
It is tricky because some people are touchy feely and will touch your arm, call you 'darling', etc. But really that is just the way they are they are not romantically interested, because they do it to anyone. |
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Cyberman
Cyber Lieutenant
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1259
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 5:44 pm Post subject: |
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| That's why I always have to assume that a girl is NOT interested in me, unless it's blatant... I don't want to be accused of "reading too much into something." |
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0_equals_true
Quack!
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 5005
Location: London
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Cyberman wrote: | | That's why I always have to assume that a girl is NOT interested in me, unless it's blatant... I don't want to be accused of "reading too much into something." |
That just it I'm not sure if these things are so cut and dry. Like in animal behaviour they are looking for a particular reaction. |
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Cyberman
Cyber Lieutenant
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1259
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 6:45 pm Post subject: |
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| But the thing about a lot of women is that they're VERY picky about who they're attracted to. So you really have to be careful not to misinterpret their behavior as "romantic interest." |
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