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Jemma
Emu Egg
Joined: Oct 07, 2008
Age: 20
Posts: 4
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 Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: Aspie Girlfriend crying ... |
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Hi, 20 year old Neurotypical here, with dating problems...
My girlfriend (lets call her B for short) is a 20 year old aspie, and I love her to death. She's sweet, caring, and loving....but...
Our only problem is that B cries. A lot. B has sometimes cried 3-4 times a day, and it seems that everyday events would set her off: having to talk to her teachers, if her mother broke eye contact for a moment, etc...
It seems like every few hours I'm driving over and comforting her until she stops crying. It makes me feel like a therapist instead of a girlfriend when a large portion of our relationship is me offering comfort to a girl crying in despair, and it hurts me to see her like that.
I don't want to break up with her, but I can't take the stress of being a therapist. I have problems too, but I can't ever talk about myself because she's on the brink of crying, and in no condition to offer support.
Is frequent crying typical of aspies? Would it be possible to work on a different way to manage her emotions? Or at least cry less often? Help please....
*edited to better respect privacy, and hopefully sound less offensive*
Last edited by Jemma on Wed Oct 08, 2008 6:27 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Emoal6
Toucan
Joined: May 16, 2006
Age: 23
Posts: 289
Location: phoenix AZ
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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While I could understand your point of view, I hope you realize you come off as an insensitive jerk with this post. You want a girl to stop crying? Trust me in that ALL MEN want women to stop crying! Thats not gonna happen.
I understand these are simple things to you that you feel shouldnt bring up emotions. Women in general are "emotional" for lack of better terms. Now you throw aspergers syndrome in the mix and you have someone who has a VERY difficult time controlling thier emotions.
The best advice I can offer you is that you need to explain to her that this is becoming a burden. You want to support her but you are not a trained therapist. It is also not your job to console her EVERY PROBLEM. Sometimes she needs to learn to stop being so selfish and understand you have other things to do.
This will be a VERY DIFFICULT conversation, but as long as you can convey that you care about her enough, she should agree to start to improve(or at least try her best). You need to explain that you dont want to break up, but this will continue to be a problem if she cannot balance her need for consolement with the realization that some of these things arent the end of the world.
The crying about spending her last money from her check is a reasonable situation, but she needs to understand where she's spending all this money. If it was on clothes, fast food/eating out,(ciggarettes as you stated in your post) and other irresponsible areas, its her own doing. But if its her car payments and insurance, and rent and college books, you need to be more considerate of her situation.
Breakdown all of the reasons and explain to her your opinion on what is appropriate to call you to come console her for. She shouldnt call because she is out of ciggarettes, or she has to email her professor. She should if you're out of gas and she needs to be at work on time today and you were her ride(or even if she was in the car when it happend, very stressful situation for aspies). Just remember aspies have a hard time with social standards.
you might have been taught not to be a crybaby. But most Women arent taught this, its thier way of breaking thier tough shell. |
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Butterflair
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jul 06, 2008
Posts: 170
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:33 pm Post subject: |
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When I read the first post, I understood the OP to be a woman too. I didn't see her as being an insensitive jerk but someone who is concerned. Crying 3-4 times a day is not normal for any woman. I have my crying days but it's rare.
I do agree that a conversation needs to happen about it and she needs to be told that it's too much and it's weighing down the relationship. Try to work out some solutions. Maybe there are underlying issues like hormones or depression.
Honestly, anyone would get tired of constant crying. Eventually even the kindest heart can harden to it.
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No matter what your age, you don't need to change the world to find love, sometimes all that has to change is you. Be open to the possibilities. |
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Rowan
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Feb 24, 2007
Age: 60
Posts: 55
Location: North Georgia, USA
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:36 pm Post subject: |
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Well... not "typcial of aspies" really, I would't say. I think I understand what you're going through though, from both sides. I can get very emotional sometimes, and so can my life partner.
What seems to work for us is to just accept that this is something that happens to the other person. Don't withdraw; be there and available, but don't pretend you can 'fix' everything. You just have to ride out the storm together and it will pass.
I hope this helps a little. I'm older and male, but I think this sort of thing is pretty universal. |
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Jemma
Emu Egg
Joined: Oct 07, 2008
Age: 20
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:38 pm Post subject: |
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That "insensitive jerk" part really wasn't necessary. Nor was the 'since you're a man, you have to be tough' part. By the way, I'm not a man. I'm intersexed, and I identify as a woman. But hey, you couldn't have known that. So i'm not mad.
Thank you for the quick reply, and thank you for your input. |
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andriarose
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 68
Location: Belfast, NI
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:47 pm Post subject: |
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That isn't something you should have to deal with. It is something that, if you really care about this girl, you'll convince her to get help for.
Crying multiple times a day is a sign of a serious problem. I've gone through this three separate times in my life - once was severe depression, once was the side effect of a medication, and the last time was due to a hormone imbalance.
If this is rough on you, imagine what she's going through. Imagine breaking down in tears because you dropped your fork, or because someone accidentally ran into you on the sidewalk. It's horrible. I give you a lot of credit for dealing with someone like this for months, but seriously, she needs help. The sooner you figure out the cause, the sooner you can go back to being a normal partner rather than a substitute therapist. |
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Emoal6
Toucan
Joined: May 16, 2006
Age: 23
Posts: 289
Location: phoenix AZ
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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I had no clue at first that you were a woman and it does seem to be a male's point of veiw by my perception. I am sorry about that edited it as soon as possible. ITs just the way you worded your "concerns" that made you come off as insensitive. you want this girl to "stop crying about everything" and thats what I've been called when I've said anythign remotely like what you just wrote. But I guess because you're a woman its ok to "act like an insensitive jerk" and get away with it.
You cant always expect everyone to agree with your point of view and you cant always expect a positve response. Other than the insensitve jerk line tho, I have to believe I wasnt that negative towards you.
My fault for assuming it was just another guy whining about his crying girlfriend. its just something EVERYONE who has a girlfriend has to deal with. |
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Saffy
Sea Gull
Joined: Sep 15, 2008
Posts: 230
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Jemma, ( I am an NT female married to an AS male )
It sounds like you are going through a difficult time at the moment with your girlfriend.
I do not think this is typical of aspies. and I am wondering seriously if she is suffering from depression, AS and depression unfortunately often go hand in hand. Has she considered talking to someone about her crying ? Maybe there are other indicators too ?
The other thing that occurred to me is that maybe this has been her way in the past of getting the attention that she was wanting ( for what ever reason ) and perhaps was finding it difficult to put into words exactly what was wrong, and maybe crying has been her way of getting someone to attend to her or listen.
Perhaps offering her some alternatives would be good.
Stating clearly to her that you find it stressful ( although you of course understand that she is upset) and you would like to be able to talk to her about these things rather than be faced with just the tears. Letting here know that you can take a phone call and that you will come and spend time with her at a particular point in the day etc.
Maybe also setting some clear boundaries in the relationships. Letting her know you are available for her, but cannot come over at the drop of a hat 3-4 times a day. It does sound like she needs some alternative strategies for communicating her small upsets, but also working towards dealing with some of these on her own.
Also .. you need to draw her attention to you at times.. she is not in a position to offer you support? Why not ? Something that she needs to understand is that a relationship is a two way street, and if it is not, then it will not stand the test of time. YOu need to make your voice heard also, because she will not actually be aware that you need anything .. until you tell her. Everything has to be put on the table.. if you do not tell her ( no mincing words- no hints - just plain talk ) she honestly will not know. So you have to take the responsibility for directing the communication and making sure that you are doing your bit by ensuring that she knows what you are thinking. She will not pick up on the subtle cues and hints.. or possibly even your mood, unless you tell her. I do think it sounds like she is having a depressive episode though .. and would seriously suggest that she read up on depression symptoms and see if she needs to seek some outside assistance.
Best of luck Jemma.. let us know how things go. |
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Sedaka
Searching For My Catcher in the Rye
Joined: Jul 17, 2006
Age: 26
Posts: 5213
Location: In the recesses of my mind
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 8:00 pm Post subject: |
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i cry fairly easily... and though i know it affects my SO if i have one... all i can say is to leave me be. i WILL stop crying once it's run through me... and then i can start rationally fixing things... until then, there's not really a point.. a superficial jest of humor may work to subterfuge the immediate physical reaction... but usually, i just need to cry. i start having issues when i don't let it out.
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makuranososhi
Purple Monkey Dishwasher
Joined: May 13, 2008
Posts: 2256
Location: Arizona
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 8:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Emoal6 wrote: | I had no clue at first that you were a woman and it does seem to be a male's point of veiw by my perception. I am sorry about that edited it as soon as possible. ITs just the way you worded your "concerns" that made you come off as insensitive. you want this girl to "stop crying about everything" and thats what I've been called when I've said anythign remotely like what you just wrote. But I guess because you're a woman its ok to "act like an insensitive jerk" and get away with it.
You cant always expect everyone to agree with your point of view and you cant always expect a positve response. Other than the insensitve jerk line tho, I have to believe I wasnt that negative towards you.
My fault for assuming it was just another guy whining about his crying girlfriend. its just something EVERYONE who has a girlfriend has to deal with. |
Regardless of the gender of the person in question, their frustration doesn't make them insensitive - they are also a person with feelings, and when they are hurting their feelings are as valid as the person who is crying. Something to consider. I agree that there need to be boundaries; sacrificing yourself for the salvation of another often means that both eventually fall because it is one-sided. Once I got into your post, there were some good points... but that first bit caught me as off. There have been a few cases where I have read where you seem to imply that certain things should be accepted because of gender... this is something I do not ascribe to. While I understand there are difference in how each are brought up, it doesn't change their responsibility.
M.
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Brook-lynn20
Sea Gull
Joined: Aug 18, 2008
Posts: 226
Location: Hoosierhickville
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 8:36 pm Post subject: |
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Not all of us women are emotional wrecks.
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Jemma
Emu Egg
Joined: Oct 07, 2008
Age: 20
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 10:57 pm Post subject: |
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It was really difficult, but we talked it over, and B admitted to depression because of her issues with school (don't want to go into detail here, I respect her privacy too much), and that she was tired of crying so much, and wanted to change and be more supportive and "there for me". (:
It's okay to cry once in a while, but multiple times a day had me worried. We'll try and see if we can find a more pleasant method for her to deal with her emotions. Hopefully she'll start feeling better soon.
Makuranososhi and Butterflair, thank you for the support, its nice to know other people have sympathy.
Saffy, Rowan, Sedaka, and andriarose, thanks for the suggestions. Sometimes I forget B's an aspie, and act with too much subtlety. Speaking directly really helped. And before, I didn't even think of depression. |
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LabPet
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 05, 2007
Posts: 1803
Location: Alaska
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 12:27 am Post subject: |
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Jemma - I hope she's ok. Regardless of Aspie-ism crying with that frequency isn't normal. As you probably know, AS is comorbid with other conditions and this overlaps. Does she have a prescription (ie: SSRI)? I cry a lot too but her frequency is enough to disrupt anyone's lifestyle, and yours too. Maybe her doctor can help?
You seem really nice to care about her though, and very patient. Many would not. She can get better and you probably said the right thing to help. Also, she could post on WP sometime - you could suggest this to her.
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Nachtus01
Blue Jay
Joined: Sep 15, 2008
Age: 36
Posts: 96
Location: Oregon, USA
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:11 pm Post subject: |
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I am going to take a very massive risk here, and will probably come off sounding like a real a**hole. That is fine, I can certainly live with that. It might be that you do need to become a real, insensitive jerk. It is most certainly possible, (and I know I speculating), that this is a type of learned behavior. She might have been raised as a child, with the re-reinforcement that, crying gets her attention, or helps her accomplish getting something she wants/needs. If this is the case, You might have to take a huge risk, and ignore the behavior that rewards her, (crying for smoke, gets her smokes), and try to ONLY show the concern when it something truly deserving.
It is a risk, you could loose her, but, then, isnt that kind of what your facing now? You can only take so much, so if things dont change, you might just walk?
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Doing the right thing isn't always fair, but doing the fair thing is always right. |
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0_equals_true
Quack!
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 5005
Location: London
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:20 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Nachtus01 as a possibility. See crying wouldn't bother me if it is a response to something getting too much. I understand that. I also went through unexplained crying spells when I was 12/13, which is kind of uncharacteristic nowadays.
However I hear neighbours children than use crying quite obviously, and effectively as a way to manipulate their parents. It is a dead give away if they can cry and stop in an instant, and then start again right on cue. I've never seen so many toys in the gardens, most of it ends up over the wall, and they just get more.
However in fairness, it still means that there could be an underlining problem but this learn behaviour is a result of that, but not constructive. |
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