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Cyberman
Cyber Lieutenant
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1259
Location: Cyber Control
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 Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: "Boring" |
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In the long, hellish obstacle-course which many Aspie guys face called "dating," there's a particularly major obstacle in our path... women find us "too boring" (note: I'm not speaking for all Aspie guys.) This is possibly the main reason that "nice guys finish last." Women are really turned off when we can't hold an interesting conversation, and some of us have a preference for "routine" which doesn't allow for much spontaneity. Again, I can't speak for all Aspie guys, but many of us also have strong interests in things which are of little interest to most women (in my case, video games.) We're at a serious disadvantage because most women, and indeed people in general, consider us to be a "bore."
So my question is: What can we do to correct this and become more "interesting" people? Is there even an answer to this?? (I'm running out of options here.)
(I personally have tried to develop a sense of humor, but people hardly ever laugh at my jokes.) |
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Rainbow-Squirrel
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 27, 2006
Age: 28
Posts: 1184
Location: Siena, Italy
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:07 pm Post subject: Re: "Boring" |
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| Cyberman wrote: | | people in general, consider us to be a "bore." |
The same applies the other way around, I think keeping the distance is the best option for both parts  |
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Cyberman
Cyber Lieutenant
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1259
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:09 pm Post subject: Re: "Boring" |
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| Rainbow-Squirrel wrote: | | Cyberman wrote: | | people in general, consider us to be a "bore." |
The same applies the other way around, I think keeping the distance is the best option for both parts |
What do you mean "keeping the distance"? |
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Diamond_Head
Blue Jay
Joined: Jul 01, 2008
Age: 24
Posts: 78
Location: Kauai, Hawaii *Li`uli`u wale ka nohona i ka la o Hauola*
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:13 pm Post subject: |
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I think that changes as people get older and realize that a serious man who takes responsibility and does what needs to get done is more socially desirable than someone who is temporarily entertaining or spontaneous.
Last edited by Diamond_Head on Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:22 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Rainbow-Squirrel
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 27, 2006
Age: 28
Posts: 1184
Location: Siena, Italy
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:17 pm Post subject: Re: "Boring" |
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| Cyberman wrote: | | What do you mean "keeping the distance"? |
Trying to avoid people as much as you can, unless of course you find someone interesting who at the same time finds you (the REAL you) interesting. It's got to be NATURAL, not something to acheive faking your behaviour, otherwise it will never really work. |
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greenblue
¸.·´´¯`··.¸.·´
Joined: Mar 26, 2007
Posts: 7869
Location: Home
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:26 pm Post subject: Re: "Boring" |
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| Rainbow-Squirrel wrote: | | Trying to avoid people as much as you can, unless of course you find someone interesting who at the same time finds you (the REAL you) interesting. It's got to be NATURAL, not something to acheive faking your behaviour, otherwise it will never really work. |
I believe it works for some, perhaps most, the dissapointments come later, however.
_________________
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. ~Einstein. |
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LePetitPrince
Feminist activist O_o
Joined: Mar 03, 2006
Age: 26
Posts: 3458
Location: Beirut , Lebanon
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:49 pm Post subject: |
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*yawn* ....zzzZZZZ
 just kidding |
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0_equals_true
Quack!
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 5005
Location: London
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:54 pm Post subject: |
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| I think sometimes you become a bore if you lack confidence, and actually think you are boring. |
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Cyberman
Cyber Lieutenant
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1259
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah, well, I don't exactly have the ability to gain "confidence" out of THIN AIR, especially not when people keep coming up with new reasons why I shouldn't have any. |
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gbollard
cosmic hobo
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3269
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:19 pm Post subject: |
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That these people who find you boring because you don't talk about small-talk things like weather are, to us, boring...
We don't wanna talk about the weather, it's more exciting to talk about how one day we really will kick some ratson warrior robot butt... and that the one that made us spill our milk was just a fluke.
They find us boring - and we find them boring.
This will change as you and they get older and require more stability.
Also... You'll look back and realise one day that there were people who liked you for your looks (or some other reason) regardless of how daggy you thought you were. They didn't care whether you were a boring conversationalist or not... that's not what they were interested in. The sad thing is that you don't realise it at the time because it's conveyed via non-verbal NT signals.
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Gavin.
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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Cyberman
Cyber Lieutenant
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1259
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:22 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah, I don't have much stomach for ordinary small talk... like Raston Warriors, small talk makes me want to PUKE. |
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sunshower
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 18, 2006
Age: 20
Posts: 779
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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I have the feeling I might be one of those aforementioned people, and clearly we got off on the wrong foot, because they guys who have nothing to talk about but small talk (such as inane compliments, or comments about the weather etc) generally bore me.
Guys with interests, now they are interesting.  Give me a guy any day who can talk about his personal interests over the weather. If you were say, interested in, I don't know GTA 2 (probably the only computer game I know) but if it was an interest and you discussed it with me, I would be find the conversation quite stimulating and worthwhile. Do talk about your interests everyone! There's nothing more attractive than a guy who has a brain and has something original to say.
And you're right, confidence doesn't come from nowhere, it comes from inside yourself. In my opinion, the only way you can really gain confidence is to get out there and be nice to people, and then they will be nice back and make you feel better about yourself! (yes I know you might call me a hypocrite at this stage, but I swear my comment wasn't a personal attack or an attempt to be mean to you, I was just trying to state my opinion on the "nice guys come last" quote which I personally dislike)
I hope this comment came out nice like I meant it to and not patronizing or mean or anything. I'd really better get back to my assignment before I fail! lol
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Synth
Deinonychus
Joined: Oct 04, 2008
Posts: 340
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Cyberman wrote: | | Yeah, well, I don't exactly have the ability to gain "confidence" out of THIN AIR, especially not when people keep coming up with new reasons why I shouldn't have any. |
Negative person here! Lets all make him feel worse about feeling negative... No, I'm not like most people so I won't do that.
Have you tried dating an aspie girl? (I'm not saying finding one would be easy), but that way there is a greater chance for her to understand you and vice versa.. It's possible for an NT girl to not be ignorent, but it's still more unlikely than likely. Doesn't mean you should never try though. |
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ToadOfSteel
Extremist Moderate
Joined: Sep 24, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 2819
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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| sunshower wrote: | | Guys with interests, now they are interesting. Give me a guy any day who can talk about his personal interests over the weather. If you were say, interested in, I don't know GTA 2 (probably the only computer game I know) but if it was an interest and you discussed it with me, I would be find the conversation quite stimulating and worthwhile. Do talk about your interests everyone! There's nothing more attractive than a guy who has a brain and has something original to say. |
Just give me 5 minutes. You'll be more bored to death (on Star Trek) than you've ever been in your entire life... 
| Quote: | | And you're right, confidence doesn't come from nowhere, it comes from inside yourself. In my opinion, the only way you can really gain confidence is to get out there and be nice to people, and then they will be nice back and make you feel better about yourself! |
I generally try to be nice to everyone unless they make direct attempts to piss me off. I've gotten lots of friends, especially at the church I live/work at. Generally I'm fairly good at most forms of social interaction. But the moment I try to start being romantic, I suffer the equivalent of a system crash. I become babbling and incoherent, almost to the point I can't speak, and generally become very awkward for some time (at the very least until I'm out of the situation). I can get around that in some cases when I've known the woman in question long enough (and have a topic to stay on). Because of this, I generally try to treat women that I'm interested in as friends. This of course causes the woman to think I'm not attracted to her and she puts me in that friend zone. By the time I'm actually able to produce a coherent romantic interaction, it's been too late for some time...
| Quote: | | I hope this comment came out nice like I meant it to and not patronizing or mean or anything. I'd really better get back to my assignment before I fail! lol |
I wouldn't say patronizing, but I would have to say that we need more NT's like you... |
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Cyberman
Cyber Lieutenant
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1259
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you, sunshower. And no, I'm not attacking you for stating your opinion. In fact, it's a good thing you brought this up, because I think it needs to be discussed. |
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