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Phoenix22
Butterfly
Joined: Oct 13, 2008
Posts: 16
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 Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:03 pm Post subject: Aspie gal broken up with by aspie boyfriend...need advice |
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| Hi All -my first post. I am an aspie female whose aspie boyfriend of almost three years has a habit. when he tires of a girl, instead of breaking up with her he treats her so rotten she breaks up with him. Anyone else here do that? and why? |
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Sslaxx
Raven
Joined: Jul 07, 2007
Age: 31
Posts: 111
Location: Malvern, Worcs, UK
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:07 pm Post subject: |
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Why? Because he's an arsehole I guess. NTs are far from monopoly holders on that I am afraid.
I fear I speak from limited experience, but (so far) I haven't done that. And I hope that I never do.
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Stuart "Sslaxx" Moore. |
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Xanderbeanz
Velociraptor
Joined: Aug 09, 2008
Age: 25
Posts: 467
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:10 pm Post subject: ... |
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maybe he has a victim complex and has never really dumped anyone, and always expects to be dumped...so he does this to maintain the status quo and allow him to cling onto his issues, rather than getting over them...aspies rarely like change, even when it's good for them...
or...he could just be an arsehole
i dunno, i'm no psychology expert...
lol x |
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Spokane_Girl
I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more
Joined: Jul 17, 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 3853
Location: Benny & Joon town (I wish)
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:23 pm Post subject: |
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He is probably afraid of breaking up with you because then it would hurt your feelings if he did that so the only way to get you to leave him is if he treats you bad.
Lot of people get heart broken when their boyfriends or girlfriends break up with them. But then they eventually get over it.
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Phoenix22
Butterfly
Joined: Oct 13, 2008
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:23 pm Post subject: he wants love but gets bored |
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| he wants me in winter when his landscaping work is done, but as soon as summer rolls around, it's the same old story, he gets restless. i raged for a long time but now i'm trying to forgive, because i think eventually he'll be the one to fall on his face. love is forever in my book, but i'm not taking him back in that way, just trying to see the good side which is as spectacular as the other side is horrible. |
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t0
Velociraptor
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 473
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 6:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Sounds like you're not his 1st obsession. You're 2nd at best. You'll have to decide if that's enough for you or not. |
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Phoenix22
Butterfly
Joined: Oct 13, 2008
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 7:02 pm Post subject: |
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i don't think i rate as an obsession for him any more, but thanks 
just a question, don't anybody bite my head off or anything:
It seems to me that although aspie guys say they want love they don't really. they get bored and they want unattainble perfection.
(forgive me for being blunt but i'm an aspie too, so i can't help it)
Any of you aspie guys have along term relationship (more than two years) that is truly fulfilling for both of you? |
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Synth
Deinonychus
Joined: Oct 04, 2008
Posts: 340
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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An aspie male being mean to his girlfriend? Wow, this is the first time I have heard of such an occasion.
I can't speak for every aspie male but I assure you we need love just as much as females do, some may be perfectionists, others are not. I have never been in a long term relationship before because when an NT girl is attracted to me, she ends up hating how I'm "so aspieish" so to speak, and leads me on for a little while and breaks up after two weeks or so. So I can't answer your last question there. |
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Phoenix22
Butterfly
Joined: Oct 13, 2008
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:08 pm Post subject: |
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| I appreciate your comments. I dont think girls "lead guys on" as much as you might think. More likely and I know from my guy, that his worst qualities came out at about two weeks into it. it shocked me and i broke up with him. but i really loved his good qualities, so i got back together with him and tried to figure him out. Aspie behavior can even shock other aspies. I am the one who figured out he had AS. If your girlfriends don't know, they wont understand and they'll be frightened by what they see as erratic behavior. It's hard enough when you do know the cause. |
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ctcycle
Emu Egg
Joined: Sep 21, 2008
Posts: 8
Location: New York, NY
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:12 pm Post subject: |
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I've been with my non-aspie girlfriend for four years. I would say we are both reasonably fulfilled, but there are definitely things that she gets upset about. She really feels I can't connect with her and that I am not passionate. I do love her and can't see myself with anyone else, but I guess I can be lukewarm compared to NT boyfriends (at their best anyways). She says I was not always like this, so its possible my first "obsession" just changed.
Benefits: I never get angry and will put up with anything
Cons: I never get passionate and will stay home and watch tv instead of doing...anything
In the past I've done brutal things to avoid breaking up with my girlfriends. I wouldn't even realize how bad it was until they/their friends started calling me calling me a sociopath. (Note: I am not talking about violence; this is more along the lines of completely abandoning a 2 year relationship without warning or...vocal chords). I've learned now, but my point is that he might not realize that hes losing you, or he may not mean to hurt you (at least as much as he really is hurting you). Coming from experience, he might take you back after a break and treat you well again. Aspies aren't good at dealing with change:) |
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Synth
Deinonychus
Joined: Oct 04, 2008
Posts: 340
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:13 pm Post subject: |
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| I know, but a lot of time it's hard to decide if it's a good idea to even tell them about it at first, if they will even understand and not look down on you because of it. My behavior isn't that outlandish either except for maybe being too loving lol! (I guess?) I can be quirky, and phone/face to face talking can be a really big challenge to me (like it is with most aspies) which is the biggest turn off for most females, but, I do know that they have led me on, in the end it just becomes obvious ya know? |
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Phoenix22
Butterfly
Joined: Oct 13, 2008
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:19 pm Post subject: |
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this is really interesting to me. You sound a LOT like my ex. Why would yo do brutal things to avoid a breakup with her?
Is it because you wanted to put the responsibiity on her shoulders?
Did you have any guilt? (Mine does not. He seems very happy and is looking for a new girl. I think he wil have a hard time cuz he doesn't admit AS.)
Did you miss her?
Sorry so many questions, I'm just trying to figure him out. He is the love of my life, no doubt and I want peace in my heart and mind. I know he's a sh** but he's also an angel in so many ways.
| ctcycle wrote: |
In the past I've done brutal things to avoid breaking up with my girlfriends. I wouldn't even realize how bad it was until they/their friends started calling me calling me a sociopath. (Note: I am not talking about violence; this is more along the lines of completely abandoning a 2 year relationship without warning or...vocal chords). I've learned now, but my point is that he might not realize that hes losing you, or he may not mean to hurt you (at least as much as he really is hurting you). Coming from experience, he might take you back after a break and treat you well again. Aspies aren't good at dealing with change:) |
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ctcycle
Emu Egg
Joined: Sep 21, 2008
Posts: 8
Location: New York, NY
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:43 pm Post subject: |
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I would do brutal things to avoid a true breakup with her because I didn't want to have to deal with it and just didn't think it would be that bad if I handled it without handling it so to speak (again, I didn't realize how bad it was at the time). I did not have guilt at all. I fooled around with plenty of girls before getting back with her, knowing she desperately wanted me back. I think I felt guilt later, after realizing how bad I hurt her, and how good she had been to me over the years. But I did not feel guilt in the sense that I couldn't live with myself, either. Still, I did end up back with her, and I'm sure guilt played some part in that.
I missed her at times because she's the only person I felt any emotion around. I had a few girls I fooled around with, but it just wasn't the same. I couldn't connect with anyone else and I think that's why I ended up getting back with her (and probably will stay with her for a while). It's amazing how lonely you can be without a loving longterm girlfriend.
I should note that I was not an asshole to her all the time. I wasn't really ever an asshole to her in the usual sense of the word. I just broke up with her without acknowledging her which must have been very painful. In fact, I was so good to her (or so...not bad to her, rather) that she didn't even see it coming. If he is an asshole to you on a regular basis, I'm not sure that I'm a great comparison. |
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Phoenix22
Butterfly
Joined: Oct 13, 2008
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 9:00 pm Post subject: |
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| thank you very much for your honesty. I feel a bit better. That sounds exactly like him, but whether he learns from experience the way you have remains to be seen. |
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0_equals_true
Quack!
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 5005
Location: London
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 7:14 am Post subject: |
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| Phoenix22 wrote: | | thank you very much for your honesty. I feel a bit better. That sounds exactly like him, but whether he learns from experience the way you have remains to be seen. |
Yes but this is two people on the spectrum, I think you'll find it quite rare for people on the spectrum and more 'normal' than you think.
ctcycle just because she didn't see it coming doesn't mean your weren’t an arsehole. That is poor logic. ASD people vary in their social skills and you have the manipulative streak.
hoenix22 it is very easy to blame everything antisocial on the spectrum, but the fact of the matter is these people are exhibiting some understanding of social skills and you lost out unfortunately. |
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