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Gifted-Monster
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 13, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 211
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 Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 6:36 am Post subject: Mother |
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Greetings all!
I have a problem.
My mother, whom I dearly love, is starting to really test my self control.
She continually treats me as a normal child, someone that doesn't have a gift. She continually tries to force me to do things with absolutely no knowledge of Aspergers.
She demands that I learn how to drive, get a job and move out.
Now, I want to do these things. I want to abandon my family and move far, far away.
And each time I try to negotiate with her, she shoots me down and simply says, "No. My way or get out"
Or then, when I try to explain the possible ramifications of her actions, she starts yelling and says, "Don't threaten me, Ashley! Or I'll kick you out"
I have no freedom, no outlet for all this repressed anger except for the internet.
And she wants to shut that off as well. So when I try to explain that it'd be very bad for her if she shut the net off, she once more goes off on the "You're threatening me" tangent when I am merely trying to warn her.
Anyone have any advice for me? I am getting really tempted to just...act on my anger.
And I'm a big guy. I'm 6 foot tall, have some good muscle on me so if I acted...she would not survive.
And just now, she said for me to ask another Aspy if he wanted a room-mate, because I have to move out soon.
And I just thought, "Does she WANT me to go Berserkergang on her?"
Regards
Ashley |
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lithium
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Age: 17
Posts: 149
Location: in my mind
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:03 am Post subject: |
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are there any family members (like grandparents or something) you can try to explain the situation too maybe they can help your mother understand the difficulties of your life
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i'm so happy, cuz today i've found my friends, they're in my head |
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Gifted-Monster
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 13, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 211
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:05 am Post subject: |
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Unfortunately, no.
My entire family has no clue that I have Aspergers and wouldn't know what it was.
And if I did that, she'd think I had gone behind her back and kick me out.
She whinges about me spending so much time on the computer, and I do spend a fair bit of time on it.
What she fails to realise is it's my only coping mechanism currently. The music, the control I may exert...my only outlet.
Tried to explain this, no dice. |
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5thelement
Raven
Joined: May 25, 2008
Posts: 105
Location: the edge of the sea - england
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:27 am Post subject: |
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tricky one......are you sure she actually means what she says - I'm just thinking it could be her only percieved coping mechanism - to blast off about chucking you out and so on, sounds like she's floundering and doesn't know what the hell to do.....
When you expalin to her that the internet/musiv is your coping mechanism - is it done when both parties are 'at each others throats' or have you tried to sitting her down and doing it really calmly? |
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Gifted-Monster
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 13, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 211
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:30 am Post subject: |
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Both.
I walk in whilst she's watching TV and try to explain it.
She just brushes it off and says that I either don't need a mechanism or find another one.
She smokes, 5th. She has a coping mechanism.
If she actually accessed this site and read about Aspy's, she'd have a damn good idea what to do.
She has the time, the capability...but not the desire.
She probably thinks I'll either grow out of it or I just need to be forced. |
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Rynok
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 11, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 413
Location: San Antonio, Texas
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:50 am Post subject: |
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Hey Gifted-Monster!
It sounds like she is in denial (seems to be a common thread with a lot of people). The whole, "This can't happen to MY kid! It must not be true". Hard situation to get around for sure though.
How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Not sure if your living at home and she's trying to kick you out, or if your still in high school for instance and she's simply rushing you. I would perhaps try to not dwell on, or bring up, the subject of Aspergers with her. Try maybe simply talking about things that you believe work well for you, or don't work well.
For instance, you might ask if she really wants you out of the house or not.
If she does, make a list of things that need to happen before you can leave the house and be successful (or ask if she just wants you out and doesn't care if your successful).
If she is willing to go that far, I'd make the list (gives you both something to focus on) and work out ways to accomplish said goals.
For example: If you need a roommate, look into ways to find someone to room with. If you need a job, come up with places you would like to work, things like that.
Overall, I think a lot of our success depends upon our parents ability to help us. Its unfortunate when they go into denial or get upset about something you can't really control. |
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Gifted-Monster
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 13, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 211
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:59 am Post subject: |
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She just wants me out, Rynok.
Doesn't care if I'm homeless or home-more (Bad joke)
Doesn't care if I have a job or not.
I don't think she knows how to raise a child. As Aspergian_Mutant states in his thread on raising an Autistic child, that is the way to raise a HFA child.
Not to force the child, put strict guidelines in the hope they will make him normal.
I know what I want to work as, and where.
And I know where I want to live.
I sorta disagree with your last statement. For the most part, those gifted with Aspergers are heavily self-contained and as such, more of the success depends on us and not how we are raised.
Unless whilst being raised the damage done is almost irrereperable. |
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Rynok
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 11, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 413
Location: San Antonio, Texas
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:16 am Post subject: |
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How my parents acted and treated me had a tremendous effect upon how I thought about myself and value myself and my accomplishments.
If I accomplished something "normalish", and my parents had been like "You still suck! What you accomplished is only a drop in the bucket, work harder!", it would definitely impact my self-esteem, if not other parts (like feeling I'm making progress and that I'm appreciated).
First off, she doesn't sound like she's logically minded at all, in which case stuff like this is extremely hard to deal with as you can't reason with emotions, and you can't fight their emotions with your emotions. You only end up butting heads.
How long till you graduate and can start supporting yourself do you think? Parents have a responsibility to their kids up until they turn 18, shelter and clothing and all that fun stuff. If your over 18, its a little harder to make a case 
Unfortunately, my answer (every time) to when my parents wouldn't listen to reason was to stay in my room with the door shut and locked until things cooled off, and if they continued and I had to come out I'd refuse to say anything. Not exactly a great way to handle it, but it accomplished what I was looking for (typically to ignore the situation till it went away). Your mom doesn't sound like that type that would back off and give you your space though, so I don't see that working either (not to mention, it was never a great strategy when I did it...and was actually fairly hurtful to them).
I guess the main point I was making was that I would try your best to do what she is asking for. If what she is asking for is unreasonable, then it will have to be discussed and she will have to realize it is an unreasonable goal. If its a reasonable request though, and she will talk about it w/o letting her emotions get in the way, then hopefully you can work out a plan and while working it out, perhaps also slip in some other much needed discussions and maybe by the end at least have some sort of consensual agreement between you. |
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Gifted-Monster
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 13, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 211
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:25 am Post subject: |
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I'm 19 and I live in Australia.
Due to an accident in the past, I have a 6 figure amount in a private fund until I turn 21.
And due to the interest, I cannot go onto "The Dole" as it were as I "earn" too much from the interest. Even though I can't touch it unless I write a letter in and get it signed off by my Mother.
And due to my Aspergers nature, suspected ASPD, I cannot work around other people.
Or at least work to my maximum efficency. If I could get a job, like a security officer, I'd gladly do that.
But of course my Mother shoots that down and says if I did get it, I'd be kicked out.
I do want to counsel other Aspy kids. I know that no matter how well counsellor's try...they simply do not understand what it's like to be an Aspy.
And if the Aspy is intelligent, they'd likely reset a "fake" trying to counsel them when they have no idea what it's like.
And since my father suicided when I was 5...I think she may be trying to force me to be normal because she's afraid I'll end up like him. |
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tweety_fan
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 03, 2007
Posts: 1361
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:27 am Post subject: |
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you can't fight emotions with emotions..
have you tried writing your ideas down and given them to her to read? it will give her time to process it and it helps you to get the feelings onto paper.
anyway i wish you all the best. |
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Rynok
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 11, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 413
Location: San Antonio, Texas
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:38 am Post subject: |
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I don't know how bad you have it, Aspergers I mean, but that alone shouldn't prevent you from working with others.
I don't know what ASPD is, so that might of been what you were referring to.
It sounds like your Mom doesn't know what she wants.
She doesn't want you to get a job, but she wants you to get out of the house. (Unfortunately for her, its contradictory that she kicks you out of the house if you DO get a job or if you DON'T get a job)
I don't know the legal rules in Australia, but since your 19 if probably doesn't matter what your Mom thinks about you getting a job.
If you so desired, you could go out, get a job and she'd have nothing to say about it. You could then use the job to pay for an apartment, or room with a friend till you find a place to stay.
As for the trust fund (that's what it sounds like), is it setup to where they give you the money in certain situations? For instance, if your in college they pay for school/housing? Or is it a flat "You can't use it till your 21" thing?
Not sure what you mean by you can't go onto "The Dole". (can't go onto a payroll because you make too much interest?)
I like tweety_fan's idea of writing a letter with what you want to say on it.
I write letters ALL the time, mainly as a form of self-reflection. Helps a lot though to gather your thoughts and say what you want to say though, and no emotions can get in the way when you do that (as its all written down, not like you can "interrupt" a letter) |
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Gifted-Monster
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 13, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 211
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:41 am Post subject: |
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That's a fairly good idea, Tweety.
But she'd just claim I was being over-dramatic or threatening her.
She loves control. I think she may even have OCD to a degree.
Everything must be done when she wants it, never any compromise.
"I must find a job by the end of April" and somesuch.
My Aspergers diagnosis is mild.
ASPD is Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Actually explains a few things about me.
"The Dole" is basically a government thing where they give Unemployed people a certain amount of money to live on.
It isn't a trust fund. I got it from a court-case. A settlement.
I actually tried a letter in the past. She threw it away >.> |
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Rynok
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 11, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 413
Location: San Antonio, Texas
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:49 am Post subject: |
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The reason I mentioned a trust fund is because that's how I've known settlements for younger adults to happen before. The offending party settles and sends the money, but the receiver is too young to receive the money so they put it in the trust fund to be accessed under certain terms or until they reach a certain age. In your case, it sounds like it is just a "when they reach 21" thing.
From what you've said so far, your Mom is unreachable. She is purposely distancing herself from you, and any attempts that you make to discuss this with her. It sounds very immature and unreasonable for an adult, especially a parent, to act like that. Not really much you can do with that except know that you tried, and keep trying perhaps as a "just in case" and as proof later so you can look back and say w/o a doubt "I tried to reach her, repeatedly...here are the things I did and how often I did them." Unfortunately, you also have to make sure you don't bombard her with this stuff  Maybe once every few days at first. If she reacts horribly, drop to once a week and so forth.
Overall, sounds like a bad situation. Perhaps she doesn't know what she wants and is just mad and is taking our her stress and frustration on you. |
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Gifted-Monster
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 13, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 211
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:58 am Post subject: |
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I was afraid of that, Rynok.
And if that's the case...it's going to get worse.
Relations are failing between my Mum and Grandmother which makes my Mum stressed, which she takes out on me.
And she keeps saying, "You're intelligent, Ashley. Get a job."
Yeah...thing is...my intelligence scares people and also I can't deal with people.
It's like she wants to mould me.
Thanks for all ya help guys. It's made me feel a lot better. And my options are certainly coming into greater clarity now. |
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CockneyRebel
Sid The Love Rat :O)
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 33
Posts: 20857
Location: Out in the evening, with me two best Rat Mates, somewhere in Canada :O)
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 9:28 am Post subject: |
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Is there a cool-headed person that you trust, who can step in, as a mediator? Maybe good teacher that you've had, or a councilor? Maybe that would help.
Hugs :O)
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Sid The Rat is everything that I stand for. We're both large, proud Punkers with Cockney accents. We both have the same issues, as well. I don't see anything wrong, with that. I was put on this planet, to make myself happy. Sid :O) |
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