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lowfreq50
Phoenix
Joined: May 02, 2005
Posts: 1588
Location: Gainesville, Florida
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 Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2005 9:26 pm Post subject: oh boo woo someone call the wambulance. |
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Ok, I don't do this much so please bare with me. Time for some pity-mongering.
I'm such a f***ing loser. I'm a waste of space. I hate that I can't be around people casually. Being with people hurts, and being alone hurts, and this paradox hurts. I f***ing hurt all the time. I can be in some casual get-together, not even a party really, and completely not exist. I'm just kind of there like a resourse-consuming black hole... one more mouth to feed and contributing nothing. Oh, don't mind me, I'm just here for the food and/or drinks. Everyone is exerting some invisible force on me and I can feel my temples being pushed inward and that's a pressure point. I really don't know what to do about it. Goddamn it I'm 24 years old and yet I'm about as good as a 14 yr old when it comes to social situations. Maybe I should "grow up" but then again I AM "grown up" in some ways... my intellectual capacity is appropriate and I can be responsible, and I can repress my emotions like a pro. Well, sometimes. Then other times my emotions become mutinous and take over for a while, such as right now.
My life is a big shitty rusted out car that is driving off a cliff and I'm locked in the trunk. |
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Serissa
Ex-Moderator
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Joined: Jul 11, 2005
Posts: 4570
Location: A DEN OF INIQUITY!!!
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| Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2005 9:43 pm Post subject: |
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| OK, before I react: Is this really sarcastic or are you doing what I do when I know that I'm being what could be construed as whining and unnessessarily putting yourself down? |
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lowfreq50
Phoenix
Joined: May 02, 2005
Posts: 1588
Location: Gainesville, Florida
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| Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2005 9:57 pm Post subject: |
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| Serissa wrote: | | OK, before I react: Is this really sarcastic or are you doing what I do when I know that I'm being what could be construed as whining and unnessessarily putting yourself down? |
The message is sincere, and the first paragraph is a disclaimer. Not to be read by those who dislike whining! |
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Serissa
Ex-Moderator
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Joined: Jul 11, 2005
Posts: 4570
Location: A DEN OF INIQUITY!!!
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| Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2005 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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| OK, just making sure. Social situations can be weird, don't feel guilty if you're not "contributing" at a party/gathering. Whoever invited you should be trying to interact with you so you don't feel like you're just kind of "there" to be there! It's not all you! |
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lowfreq50
Phoenix
Joined: May 02, 2005
Posts: 1588
Location: Gainesville, Florida
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| Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2005 10:57 pm Post subject: |
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| Serissa wrote: | | OK, just making sure. Social situations can be weird, don't feel guilty if you're not "contributing" at a party/gathering. Whoever invited you should be trying to interact with you so you don't feel like you're just kind of "there" to be there! It's not all you! |
I left early.
I ate and watched a movie. After the movie I went to the bathroom and when I came back someone was in my seat despite my food/drink being there. Normally I would have said something but I was already reeeeally not wanting to be there so I just walked out. |
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yealc
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 04, 2005
Posts: 519
Location: Denver CO
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| Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2005 10:58 pm Post subject: |
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I understand about not existing. I went to a cast party with a friend and I am setting right next to the friend when his boyfriend asks where is yealc? OK I am right there.
Anyway I often have this problem also but now in my thirties it seems more funny than painful. I remember very well years ago how much it hurt and how lonely life seemed.
I hope you begin to feel better.
Y
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Yvette (yealc)
"I never could get the hang of Thursdays" |
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Astarael
Numquam obliuiscor..
Joined: Aug 07, 2005
Posts: 1293
Location: Western Australia
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| Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 1:15 am Post subject: |
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| lowfreq50 wrote: | | Being with people hurts, and being alone hurts, and this paradox hurts. |
I know this doesn't help you one bit, but I feel exactly the same as you. I have no idea what to do about it so I just try and put up with it and get more and more frustrated. I've literally gone off and sat in a dark corner at parties and no one has realised I've left, apart from people who aren't my friends who I never talk to who are like "what are you doing". *sigh* I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but I'm sorry you feel this way 
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"A flower plucked carelessly and left to wilt.." |
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hecate
chav slayer
Joined: Jun 22, 2005
Posts: 1011
Location: norwich, UK.
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| Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 1:54 am Post subject: |
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reading you post was like seeing my thoughts typed out on the screen, lowfreq. so, unfortunately, i can't give you any advice because i am experiencing the same feelings myself. all i can say is that i understand how you feel and that i hope you feel happier soon. *hugs hugs hugs*
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"...but, if there isn't room here for people who stand against everything you believe in, then what sort of a hippy free-for-all is this?" |
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Scoots5012
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 02, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 2250
Location: Cheyenne Wyoming
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| Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 2:17 am Post subject: |
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I don't understand the concept of parties - especially the kind you talk of.
Seems like nothing more than an ocassion for people to get together and get drunk, then drive off and smash up their cars.
I remember an evening at school about 13 months ago. I was trying to sleep at about 12 am when someone started to pound on my neigbhors door
| Quote: | | Wilbur! Wilbur! Wake up! I need your help, I drove my truck through a wall |
The guy sounded rather drunk too. You were the smart one for leaving IMO
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I live my life to prove wrong those who said I couldn't make it in life... |
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lowfreq50
Phoenix
Joined: May 02, 2005
Posts: 1588
Location: Gainesville, Florida
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| Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 5:04 am Post subject: |
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Thanks to everyone who responded! It is appriciated.
Scoots: it was a graduation party
Hecate: I find your avatar strangly attractive. If you look like your avatar I will marry you.  |
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Ladysmokeater
Rogue Historian
Joined: Oct 22, 2005
Posts: 1048
Location: North of Atlanta, South of Boston, East of the Mississippi, and West of the Atlantic
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| Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 6:34 am Post subject: |
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| <<<hugs>>> You put to screen what I also feel in socal situations. You are not alone. I hate parties. I feel like everyone can see what a socal bungler I am. My mom, before we knew about AS, thought that I was just immature. now she says, she can see that it wasnt immaturity it was AS all along..... I wish there was something I could say or do that would make you feel better. Just know that we all feel that way too.... <hugs again> |
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hecate
chav slayer
Joined: Jun 22, 2005
Posts: 1011
Location: norwich, UK.
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| Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 1:35 pm Post subject: |
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| lowfreq50 wrote: | | Hecate: I find your avatar strangly attractive. If you look like your avatar I will marry you. |
lol. imagine the wedding reception..... everyone else chatting and enjoying themselves, and us just sitting there trying to look like we're having a good time!
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"...but, if there isn't room here for people who stand against everything you believe in, then what sort of a hippy free-for-all is this?" |
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Neuroman
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 05, 2005
Posts: 1891
Location: 1134
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| Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 2:12 pm Post subject: |
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I can identify. I often feel like I waste space on the earth since I have nowhere near lived up to my potential. But these days even though my existence is marginal I still (selfishly) have a good time. I am better when I can be around people, but when I can't, I forget why it is important. In my family I have the reputation of reading a book or sleeping while the conversation goes on over my head (literally).
This is one of those times of year when lack of connection becomes glaringly obvious. But this year I can think of friends I have, even if I don't spend time with them, I have them. Even if they are not level one friends, I still have them. This year I count a level 2 and two level 4 friends. I am sending all of them holiday cards.
All of that is to day for me it seems to have gotten better as I got older. I trust it will be the same for you too.
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Raised by Wolves
if you are going through hell, keep going.
Winston Churchill |
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Ladysmokeater
Rogue Historian
Joined: Oct 22, 2005
Posts: 1048
Location: North of Atlanta, South of Boston, East of the Mississippi, and West of the Atlantic
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| Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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| hecate wrote: | | lowfreq50 wrote: | | Hecate: I find your avatar strangly attractive. If you look like your avatar I will marry you. |
lol. imagine the wedding reception..... everyone else chatting and enjoying themselves, and us just sitting there trying to look like we're having a good time! |
it would be funny if that wasnt so true...... |
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RobertN
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 31, 2005
Posts: 934
Location: Cambridge, UK
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| Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 6:44 pm Post subject: |
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| hecate wrote: | | lowfreq50 wrote: | | Hecate: I find your avatar strangly attractive. If you look like your avatar I will marry you. |
lol. imagine the wedding reception..... everyone else chatting and enjoying themselves, and us just sitting there trying to look like we're having a good time! |
Hold on here a second...hold on!!!!!!! 
She hasn't divorced me yet!!!! You can't marry her!!!
Hecate, your avatar is naughty....just like you!!!   |
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