Working out the kinks in a relationship (peronal topic)

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I am now dating someone who respects, even follows my interests.
I didn't realize how much he followed my obsessions until I didn't talk to him for a few years (we've been friends for a while) and I came back and he had downloaded all the music I used to play. And now that I'm doing some yoga, he's been really interested in it, too. He had really taken an interest, I guess. I have always seemd to initiate everything with him, and with great success, usually.

There is a problem, though. He works what seems to be 24-7 some days/nights in an IT job. When the job needs to be done, he has to do it. Stopping along the way for a *little* rest and a *little* food and nothing else. It's like being in the army. I guess that's okay.

I feel like he doesn't give me enough time, but it's not that it's *enough* time, it's that it's not regular time. It's that it's under *his* control, and he doesn't plan ahead like I plan ahead, so I never know, when saying goodbye to him, when I'm going to see him again.

Also, he's not as direct as I'd like. He thinks some things are just assumed, or should be. He's subliminal, and it makes me very tired and angry and insecure, always wondering how he feels. It's exhausting.


So now, I'm insecure, for reasons I can pinpoint, but which he has expressed he feels uncomfortable talking about. He's very defensive about the whole thing, whenever I express any desire for an adjustment, or concern about something he does. Like I'm criticizing him. It's possible I'm just missing the mark with my commentary, hehe, it's been known to happen. Also, I've broken up with him twice in the long-since past, when I wasn't really ready for a relationship, and also, other women he has dated have broken up with him and/or cheated on him due to his schedule.

He is very verbally and physically affectionate with me when we're together. He says he loves me. He says it a lot more, now, after I told him I like that (he thought I didn't want him to say it!)

But he never goes "first", and yet, due to his schedule, he always has control over how often I see him. When he's working (he works from home a lot), and he doesn't invite me over, it makes me feel like he doesn't want me around. If I invited myself, he'd let me come. But. I don't want to invite myself. When I text him, he always calls me right back. But I just want him to go first for a change! It would make me feel more important to him if he went first.

What gives? What the hell should I do? I feel like we can't have another "relationship" talk, not yet. We've only been dating 3 months, although we've known each other for years. Still, between the erratic schedule I have no control over, his somewhat laid-back, passive nature, and his defensiveness about me being unhappy - about anything he does - I'm not sure if I can go on.

Any insight?

Hmm.....he sounds like a typical guy, fearing his weaknesses, wanting control, and needing his alone time. It doesn't sound like it is anything you're doing wrong. Maybe that's just the way he is? It is possible that he will change, but it will most likely take some time for him to let his guard down. Then again, you've already stated that you have known each other for years, so I may be wrong? Either way, I don't think you should be down on yourself about his short-comings. I highly doubt it is your fault that he is acting the way he does.

Concentrate your efforts on being more self-confident, and reassure yourself that he is just being himself. There's no sense in making yourself miserable because of his short-comings.

I hope that didn't sound rude, it wasn't meant to be.

HE HAS A JOB!! !! !! !! !! !! !

keep him. he may be able to find an IT job with better hours some day. if he is good, enjoy what you have. nobody ever finds the perfect guy. if he is good, the economy is bad, and everyone has to put with something bad. to quote Jack McCarthy

"
it is crazy out there,
most of us are luck just to find someone who is willing to share their life with us,
let alone the right one.
"

and tell him how you feel. do not accuse. state the facts. do not expect him to solve anything, but if you let if out, open communication is always good.

Yeah. I agree. But he has worked monday, monday night, tuesday, tuesday night, wednesday, wednesday night, thursday, thursday night, friday and friday night (when he said he'd "call when he can" but didn't call, or even text) and now I checked his Google calendar that he shared with me and they have him scheduled for a teleconference from 12 PM to 10 PM. I am just starting to wonder when this will end....

What really will kill me is when this 'round-the-clock schedule gives him a break, and he needs self-time instead of wanting to see me. That is when we will have an argument, as much as I try to steel myself against it.

Okay, I think I can help you out here.

Firstly, with Asperger's myself, I have problems with my own girlfriend because when she goes out, I don't necessarily know what time she'll be home. This is something we just have to deal with, because as much as I need the regimentation to plan my day, she just won't know when she's back and so can't tell me because there isn't an answer. This is something I just have to suck up and try to deal with and it gets easier with time. When it comes to his job, I think this is something you'll have to deal with too. Having also worked as a techie, I know that the work never really ends and you work long hours for not a lot of pay. I think in this case, you'll just need to cut him some slack.

As far as him not 'going first,' this is something you just need to talk to him about. If he told you as soon as he got off work, you guys would see each other more and it would show that he wants you there. Just tell him how you feel. You said he's subliminal and that's a problem, I don't know how much of this you've told him already, but if you're going to be subliminal too then these things will never get resolved. What this need is a big, long talk about this.

I disagree with this quote. I think it's better to be alone than to be with the wrong person (which would be EVERYONE in my case, since it's scientifically impossible for there to be a "right" one.)

I think there are degrees of rightness and wrongness. And I agree with Cyberman, it's better to be alone than in a comitted relationship with a person who's on the "wrong" end of the compatibility spectrum. But not being with someone who is wrong for you would probably happen naturally. And sometimes it is impossible to tell who is right for you and who is wrong for you.

This situation with my guy, it makes me cry every time I want to see him but can't. Some might think that this alone means he's automatically wrong for me. But, I tend to agree with Jawbrodt, actually everyone here, who says I need to just toughen up, concentrate on living my own life, and appreciate what I have.

And yes, we need to have a talk, but it has to be approached the right way. This is what I'm going to wind up having a problem with, because after I put what my complaint was down on the computer screen (the "going first" thing), I realized it would sound irrational and, yes, critical. How I can approach the topic without sounding irrational and critical, well, maybe I need help with that. Yes, I definitely need a lot of help with that. If I go in unprepared, I'll just get all emotional and there will not be a good outcome.

And, thanks for your answers so far, WP. Truly good advice.

WOW Patternist, you and I are in almost exactly the same situation. How weird. My boyfriend is also not very direct with me about "how he feels," I often have to be the first to initiate contact, I often don't know when I'm going to see him next, AND I've known him for years and have broken up with him several times in the past! I, too, cry when I want to see him but can't. He is also affectionate towards me and we have a good time when we see each other. He also tells me he loves me.

I don't think it's anything to take personally, but I'm getting to the point where I'm wondering if there's someone else out there for me. Then again, he and I might work out great someday, and get married and all that. At this point I don't know, and I just have to wait until I know for sure. I have decided that this is the "last trial," and that if we don't work out this time we're friends for life instead of lovers.

So I woud say "easy does it" for now and wait until more is revealed about your relationship. Try to focus on yourself and your own needs that you can meet yourself; don't neglect other areas of your life. I know it's difficult, because I struggle with it every day.

Gaya, one of the things that helps me with this relationship is realizing that I would approach things very slowly with someone that broke up with me in the past, no matter how much I loved them. There have been times when he is not demonstrative enough, or doesn't seem as committed or giving as I am used to, and I have to step back and realize he may be waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. There is an element, I think, of proving that I am now stable, and ready to be with him, before he truly lets his guard down.

You may be in the same situation.

i have no clue how to be a friend or a lover - never was either in my entire life. you all are so lucky to have a person who does not get bored with you after three minutes.

Urgh, he finally called, I invited him to come over, he said yes, and then he called back and said he got work emails, he says he's trying to get out of it, but I know he'll just be talked into working again.....

This is incredibly frustrating.
But...at least he called when he thought he had a spare moment....