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MissConstrue
~Age of Aquarius~
Joined: Feb 05, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 11893
Location: Anywhere but HERE!
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 Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 4:50 pm Post subject: Is Being Nice a Sign of Weakness? |
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Sometimes I get confused about boundaries because I try not to follow a crowd when it comes bullying and try to help wherever it's wanted. On the other hand, I've had people call me rude because my anger usually escalates to sudden outbursts and hospitalizations. I'm getting less bad with these but it still plagues me to a point where I can't trust anyone.
It seems in jobs and school I had people call me nice or pleasant to be with yet these would usually be the same people who'd take advantage of me when it came to work. I always did try to stand up for myself by saying no when I felt like I was being used. This has happened to me everywhere and even in some relationships. Problem is, I think I have trouble confronting and when I got angry in the past, it usually escalated to destroying things and self harm. I think AS has something to do with it but I get so sick of trying to help people that just take it for granted. I know not everyone is like this but sometimes I feel like my helpful intentions are a sign of weakness.
Granted I'm not perfect either so I'm no saint. Does this happen to anyone else?
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Social_Fantom
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Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Age: 24
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Location: Dobson, North Carolina
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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It may seem like it with people taking advantage of a person with nice characteristics but in truth, so few people are willing to offer someone a helping hand. Therefore I actually think it's a sign of strength to be nice and not to follow the crowd.
It has a price sometimes though. I have stood up for others that were being bullied. Sometimes it didn't turn out too badly but I have received a fist before. I used to have anger problems as well. Now whenever I get angry I scream and swear until I get it out of my system.
Anyway, being nice is by no means weakness. Don't be afraid to offer a helping hand. But at the same time, don't let anyone try to take advantage of you if you feel like they may be trying to either. Let them say whatever they want.
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Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius
Last edited by Social_Fantom on Wed Aug 06, 2008 5:30 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Fnord
Metasyntactic Variable
Joined: May 07, 2008
Posts: 3658
Location: Pantopia
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 5:26 pm Post subject: Re: Is Being Nice a Sign of Weakness? |
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| MissConstrue wrote: | | ... sometimes I feel like my helpful intentions are a sign of weakness. Does this happen to anyone else? |
Too often.
Niceness (passiveness) is perceived as weakness, while assertivenes is perceived as strength. I had to learn to say 'No' to helping others unless they were so badly mired in their troubles that non-involvement was unthinkable. Most folks can get by without my help, and I no longer feel guilty if I ignore their requests.
Also, while it may be good for your public image that people can rely on you when they need you, it is also bad for your public image to allow people to take advantage of your goodwill whenever they want.
I had to detrmine the boundary where my 'self' ended and their 'selves' began; learn to recognize the difference between other people's needs and their wants; determine how much of my time, efforts, and material resources I could afford to give away to fill other people's needs; and then to say 'No' when their needs exceed my ability to fill them.
I am not responsible for the needs of others, unless I choose to be so. And that choice nowadays is based more on reason and logic than in emotion and impulse.
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The leaders of the American automobile industry have been amazingly consistent in their management philosophy, in that they have never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity. |
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Tim_Tex
WP's Resident Simpsons and South Park Aficionado
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Age: 28
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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I always make sure to be nice all the time, but I haven't made many friends.
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donkey
we have met the enemy, he is us.
Joined: May 22, 2006
Age: 37
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Location: ireland
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 6:37 pm Post subject: |
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there is a truth, nice people do finish last, but they do get what they deserve.
a lot of As frustration does stem from not being assertive enough or too assertive/ angry and aggressive...there is as always a difficulty modulating and finding the right balance with many AS expressed emotions.
this is part of our problems. |
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MissConstrue
~Age of Aquarius~
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Age: 26
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 8:15 pm Post subject: |
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Sounds like the Darwin theory. Only the strong and the weak in the animal kingdom become the Beta in the pack ready to die or go last. But I've often questioned what the strength of charactor looks like when it comes to balance.
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Oh you can't help that. We're all mad here.
__Cheshire
6thSin:Envy |
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Tim_Tex
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 8:17 pm Post subject: |
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I am the one who initiates, but the people I try to befriend retreat after a couple of days.
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When you need something, that's a responsibility, that only an adult...of my maturity...Bunnies!!!
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MissConstrue
~Age of Aquarius~
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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^I'm the opposite. I have trouble initiating but once a person gets me going on a subject or something I'm fond of, I end up annoying them without trying.
I guess I compensate for the lack of socialization for one who would have normally....
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Oh you can't help that. We're all mad here.
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6thSin:Envy |
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Tim_Tex
WP's Resident Simpsons and South Park Aficionado
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Location: San Marcos, Texas
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 10:06 pm Post subject: |
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It's like people want friends so badly, yet when somebody shows an interest in being their friend, they run and hide.
It's like somebody being depressed because they won the lottery.
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When you need something, that's a responsibility, that only an adult...of my maturity...Bunnies!!!
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Aalto
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Age: 17
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 10:17 pm Post subject: |
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Maybe it's too overbearing. For example, I'm sure there have been many moments in films and shows in which the character the viewer takes the side of meets someone who is nice but nothing else, aims constantly to please and never says anything lower, not even in jest. And people like this are derided or at least stigmatised for it. But with me at least, I can see why, with sympathies to these overly-nice characters.
I'll have to think of why it's uncomfortable (even for me; kind offerings constantly from one person tend to disconcert me (it may also be noted that this feeling has been given to me by psychiatrists as a kid)), but for now, that may be how some of us come off and it doesn't particularly warm others. It could be partly from, when one is being kind, saying something negative leaves a far bigger blow than someone primarily negative, and compliments, et cetera, tend to be unremarkable to receive. It may also be (I'm stumbling in unfounded territory here but hear my hypotheses out) that constant niceness is such a detachment from real-life, in which we ride a rollercoaster of ups and downs. It could be harder to relate to someone deliberately reaching out and being kindly as much as they possibly can, as there isn't enough common ground with life as it is. Maybe one needs to focus not on being kind all the time, but being a listener: getting the other side in their comfort zone and allowing them to be willing to talk extensively on their side, remaining open-ended-ness and so on.
Just a few on-the-surface observations. |
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Spokane_Girl
I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more
Joined: Jul 17, 2007
Age: 23
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 11:38 pm Post subject: |
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People have gotten mad at me for answering their questions they asked me.
People have gotten mad at me when I try to help them.
Being too nice can be a weakness because then it makes it hard for you to confront people, be informal, be firm, etc.
I have had to learn to be less nicer.
If you're too nice, people can take advantage of you because of it.
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Social_Fantom
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 12:53 am Post subject: |
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I guess being considerate or respectful would be best. It's not necessarily something that most people would take advantage of.
Yeah, I've tried to be nice in the past and people tried to take advantage of me for it. They would come up with a sob story to lure me in and if it was family, I fell for it. 
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Josie
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Joined: Apr 26, 2008
Posts: 559
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:11 am Post subject: |
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| I heve learned to be less nicer. I just stopped caring about some things. I dont like beign controlled or taken advantage of. |
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Dantac
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 22, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 535
Location: Florida
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 2:16 pm Post subject: |
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| being nice is an invitation to be taken advantage of it seems. |
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Fnord
Metasyntactic Variable
Joined: May 07, 2008
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Location: Pantopia
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 2:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Dantac wrote: | | being nice is an invitation to be taken advantage of it seems. |
Niceness is an invitation to be taken advantage of by jerks, bullies, psychopaths, sociopaths, and people who lack ethical and moral maturity (of all religious and political perspectives).
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