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Hector
Frankie Teardrop
Joined: Mar 11, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 2016
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 Posted: Sun Aug 16, 2009 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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I've been rejected a few more times in my life by women I thought about a lot, directly or indirectly, but I was only hurt on a few occasions.
The first was when I was fourteen and I put it down to just being really naive and thinking that knowing a girl kind of liked me automatically meant that she was as besotted as I was, even if she didn't really know me. In retrospect I think if I had just paced things a bit better I could possibly have had a chance, maybe I'm wrong, but at any rate I eventually managed to shrug it off and get over it thinking that I could do it better next time with someone else. I was depressed for months and still thought about her on and off for a couple of years.
The second was when I was fifteen and I had this notion that this one pretty girl liked me and was totally certain that I would pass numerous long-awaited milestones during the day of a particular dance (such as my first relationship and first kiss). During the dance her friend approached me and tried to console me before I even knew she turned me down, and I didn't even realise what was happening because I was so certain that I was right and everything was going to work. Then I saw her with another guy. In retrospect, I'm not sure what led me to my conclusions, but I was bitter for months. My legacy of that is a bunch of sulking, and some angry exchanges with my friends and parents. I got over that, too, again seeing where I went wrong and thinking there were other girls as interesting as her if not more.
The third was when I was twenty-one and was totally devastating. I was in a depressive funk for a few months and my father tried to make me go into therapy. I still don't think I've gotten over it, and I'm not sure I ever will (at least not until I find myself in my hypothetical first relationship). Certainly I don't understand what I wasn't seeing or where I was going wrong, and think this person had some things going for her that very few people have.
There's a six-year gap there, but I think in the case of the last one I was having a hard time in general so maybe I let my guard down a bit more than I otherwise would have.
Last edited by Hector on Mon Aug 17, 2009 8:44 am; edited 1 time in total |
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TheWeirdPig
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Aug 03, 2009
Posts: 43
Location: Minnesota
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| Posted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 12:01 am Post subject: |
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Discovering limerence and having a definition for it has been as big of an epiphany  as associating myself with Aspergers. I mean, this really makes sense. I can count up to nine times where limerence has likely happened to me, and two other times where it was a near miss. It explains the stronge emotions I had from this unrequited love, why it took so long to get over it, and why I held out hope. It probably could have happened more if I hadn't learned to stifle my infatuations in recent years.
Perhaps if we as a society had a better understanding of limerence, relationships might be better. People might better understand why they are falling out of love with their partner. They would blame it on their own chemistry rather than their partner's faults or quirks. This is an interesting subject and i hope this thread keeps going.
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robo37
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 07, 2009
Age: 15
Posts: 308
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| Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 9:42 am Post subject: |
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This girl who I've been feeling strongly limerent towards has recently found out that I like her, and, well she didn't react the way I hoped. I sent her an email saying how much I like her and even though I said in it not to tell anyone she read it out loud to her entire class. My friends though it was good but she then sent me a reply saying that it was 'gay' and said that she doesn't like me and never will. I sent her another email asking for her to give me a chance but she then told me she had a boyfriend and said that he will 'come for me' if I send her anymore. 
I feel like crap.
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-'If the brain controls the body………what controls the brain?'
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Last edited by robo37 on Tue Aug 25, 2009 5:31 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Dizzo
Butterfly
Joined: Aug 03, 2009
Posts: 11
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| Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 11:04 am Post subject: |
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Oh god, now it has a name.
I've been through this only once, but it lasted for years. When I was 18 I saw this guy at a club I used to go to, and it was like he was oozing with something irresistible. I began to go to that club every weekend, and the night would be ruined if I didn't see him. We had a couple of friends in common, so eventually I got to talk to him and know what he was like. By then I realized that I would never want to date him or be with him in any way, but it didn't help. I'd draw pictures of him, dream of him, think of him constantly. It was HORRIBLE, a near stranger controlled my life without even knowing it! I even put my relationship on hold, because I was so confused. This lasted for about four or five years, sometimes better sometimes worse, until I finally got him out of my system. I never want to go through that again. |
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billsmithglendale
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 18, 2008
Posts: 643
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| Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 11:43 am Post subject: |
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| robo37 wrote: | This girl who I've been feeling strongly limerent towards has recently found out that I like her, and, well she didn't react the way I hoped. I sent her an email saying how much I like her and even though I said in it not to tell anyone she read it out loud to her entire class. My friends though it was good but she then sent me a reply saying that it was 'gay' and said that she doesn't like and never will. I sent her another email asking for her to give me a chance but she then told me she had a boyfriend and said that he will 'come for me' if I send her anymore.
I feel like crap. |
Well, at least you learned she's a terrible human being and not anyone deserving of your affections.
But I know how hard it is -- I have been and am limerent with people who clearly do not like me and are not attracted to or comfortable with me. It sucks when someone's external attractiveness is so at odds with their internal attractiveness.
My suggestion -- drop her like a bad habit, stop looking at her, don't think of her, DO NOT write to her anymore, etc. Find something or someone else to fill your time. It's always going to sting, but you really don't want to be around or even crushing on a person from afar who treats you so despicably. |
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CJBinks
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 01, 2008
Posts: 311
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| Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Dizzo wrote: | | I never want to go through that again. |
Well, Dizzo, I think this is one of the things that separates limerance from a crush or infatuation. If the latter two leads to a disastrous relationship, then you might regret them. Otherwise, you might even remember them with some fondness. I am not sure you can do that with limerance. Even in my case where it eventually resulted in the best friend I ever had. we probably would have wound up friends any way without the drama.
I would have preferred that. |
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robo37
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 07, 2009
Age: 15
Posts: 308
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| Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 6:34 pm Post subject: |
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...has anyone else felt this? atm I'm feeling like the only one.
_________________
-'If the brain controls the body………what controls the brain?'
--'How could have God created creativity?'
-'If existence isn’t fair, does fairness exist?'
--Can the word meaning lose its meaning?
-How can something be described as undescribable? |
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PlatedDrake
Velociraptor
Joined: Aug 26, 2009
Age: 29
Posts: 468
Location: Piedmont Region, NC, USA
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| Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 7:43 pm Post subject: |
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I think this can describe my frustrations . . . ive always tried to use human instinct/attraction to explain it and thuse try to use that to reason my way out of attempting to find companionship. I seem to go through this once a year (someone has my eye now, but im clueless how to to about it since i only see her when she's at work). At my age, im doing what i can to give it up, but there is that base component that i cant get rid of and causes me pain just thinking about wanting/having someone in my life (feels like a void swelling in your physical heart, not metaphorical).
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"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
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Shebakoby
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 06, 2009
Age: 36
Posts: 648
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 3:05 am Post subject: |
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| I dunno...is there a way to get undirected limerence? Like, nobody in mind, but a period of thinking of -somebody- (unknown, question mark, person-I-haven't-encountered-yet). In other words, focusing on something that isn't there. It is very frustrating. |
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sunshower
Ethereality
Joined: Aug 18, 2006
Age: 21
Posts: 2363
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:39 am Post subject: |
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It happens to me every. single. time. Drives me insane.
In fact, I don't think I've ever experienced any form of love or attraction towards someone that wasn't limerence. It's always limerence or friendship affection.
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Circular syncopation. |
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Shebakoby
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 06, 2009
Age: 36
Posts: 648
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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| PlatedDrake wrote: | | I think this can describe my frustrations . . . ive always tried to use human instinct/attraction to explain it and thuse try to use that to reason my way out of attempting to find companionship. I seem to go through this once a year (someone has my eye now, but im clueless how to to about it since i only see her when she's at work). At my age, im doing what i can to give it up, but there is that base component that i cant get rid of and causes me pain just thinking about wanting/having someone in my life (feels like a void swelling in your physical heart, not metaphorical). |
That feeling is all too familiar, but it is directed 'nowhere', in my case |
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robo37
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 07, 2009
Age: 15
Posts: 308
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 4:10 pm Post subject: |
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| sunshower wrote: | It happens to me every. single. time. Drives me insane.
In fact, I don't think I've ever experienced any form of love or attraction towards someone that wasn't limerence. It's always limerence or friendship affection. |
I know the feeling.
_________________
-'If the brain controls the body………what controls the brain?'
--'How could have God created creativity?'
-'If existence isn’t fair, does fairness exist?'
--Can the word meaning lose its meaning?
-How can something be described as undescribable? |
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HH
Deinonychus
Joined: Oct 29, 2009
Posts: 316
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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| Shebakoby wrote: | | I dunno...is there a way to get undirected limerence? Like, nobody in mind, but a period of thinking of -somebody- (unknown, question mark, person-I-haven't-encountered-yet). In other words, focusing on something that isn't there. It is very frustrating. |
I think you're describing something a girl I used to know experienced. She kept trying to find a name to put to the unknown person she was experiencing the feelings for, but she couldn't quite. |
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robo37
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 07, 2009
Age: 15
Posts: 308
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:45 am Post subject: |
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| HH wrote: | | Shebakoby wrote: | | I dunno...is there a way to get undirected limerence? Like, nobody in mind, but a period of thinking of -somebody- (unknown, question mark, person-I-haven't-encountered-yet). In other words, focusing on something that isn't there. It is very frustrating. |
I think you're describing something a girl I used to know experienced. She kept trying to find a name to put to the unknown person she was experiencing the feelings for, but she couldn't quite. |
Apparently the song called Wonderwall (by Oasis) is about undirected limerence.
_________________
-'If the brain controls the body………what controls the brain?'
--'How could have God created creativity?'
-'If existence isn’t fair, does fairness exist?'
--Can the word meaning lose its meaning?
-How can something be described as undescribable? |
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poopylungstuffing
doh-skoh-bee-doh
Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Age: 34
Posts: 6415
Location: Super Happy Fun Land, TX
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