confused and stressed. all my own fault

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I don't expect much sympathy here, don't worry. I just want to write how I feel right now and why I'm confused and miserable. I imagine I'm going to get quite a bit of abuse from people here, for leading people on or playing games.. it wasn't intentional and I never meant to play games with anyone

I'm currently seeing one guy, but talk to my ex on msn way more. My ex knows that I have a new bf (found out recently: I know that I should have told him sooner, but I didn't think he was still interested in me until after he asked me out again..). He's now v depressed and says I'm the only one he can talk to. I feel bad for hurting him, but he dumped me and it's been months since we broke up, although we've always kept in contact over msn. I suppose, I should have read the signs, but they weren't really there (I'm kind of dense, and he never says what he means so I don't like trying to guess his motives).

The thing is, my current bf knows I'm friends with my ex, but not how much we talk on msn (nearly every day for about half an hour, sometimes longer). My ex doesn't know who my current bf is (he never asked & I don't know if he wants to know, although he does know the person in real life (not very well though).

I feel like I'm supposed to break all ties with my ex, but I also feel like I can't. It's not that I want to go out with him again (I still fancy him a bit, but I know I'd probably feel lonely again, like I did last time. I'd also lose my current bf as a friend). I feel like my ex is only making an effort because I'm unavailable: if I took him back, he'd lose interest again.

I feel like I need both people. I haven't many friends, and very few people whom I can talk to easily, so I really don't want to stop chatting to him. My current bf is sweet, but isn't online much (I've asked him to try, but he hasn't really) and I always have to initiate the phonecall, so I feel a bit like I'm bothering him (this is a similar situation to when I was going out with my ex: I felt like I couldn't survive without my friend (current bf) and was miserable when he became more distant, and this increasing loneliness may have contributed to the first break up. But now, it's exactly the same again only their roles have been switched.. and I'm really confused and feel really guilty.

I don't know if this is important, but I got together with my current bf very soon after the break up with my ex (I was really really depressed & we were both drunk... we ended up kissing. I wanted to just be friends, but then I ran the risk of losing him completely (he was moving town & didn't seem interested in remaining good friends) and I really needed someone at that time). I feel like I never really had time to get over my last relationship before entering the new one, and I was embarrassed to move on so soon, but at the time felt I had no choice. As a result, it almost feels like I haven't left my ex, even though we are definitely not going out (I haven't cheated in the technical sense; I'd never do that, but I am worried that this counts as emotional cheating, if there is such a thing).

I know I'm making excuses, I'm sorry. I really don't know how to clear things up though without losing both friends. It sounds like I'm being greedy, I know: the fact that I nearly talk to my ex online more than my bf makes me feel like I'm cheating on both of them (am I raising the ex's hopes? Being really dishonest with my bf (he has an ex who he still keeps in contact with and he knows I'm still friends with mine)

I don't know. Please don't hurl abuse at me... I'm sure somewhere I've broken some really horrible taboo or something- I just needed people to talk to... and my ex needed me to talk to to (he said he'd never been as close to anyone before). Should I stop chatting to him so that he can get over me? For my bf's sake? Or is it ok to still be friends??

em... if you've read through that, you're probably as confused as I am. That's why I put this in the haven: it's more of a rant than a genuine query or post. Thanks for reading.

L

Unfortunately it is a law of nature that we all want what we can't have. Every goes through it at some stage or another.

Regarding your ex though, have you asked him why he says he's depressed. It maybe for a reason he hasn't told, has he actually said it's directly to do regarding with you two splitting up. If he was the one that ended your relationship then you have no reason to feel guilty for moving on and finding someone new.

However by what you've said regards you still speak to him everyday does suggest he does still like you. This is only my opinion but if exs stay friends it's usually because one or both of them have feelings for the other. Otherwise there's no reason for them to be friends. Unless there is children involved then thats a whole different ball game. It does sound as if maybe you are raising your exs hopes, maybe sub-cosciencly you still wish you were with him???

It also sounds as if you got into your new relationship too quickly and now you genuinely can't decide which one you'd prefer. To want both of them in your life could easily be seen as greedy, but in truth, everyone loves to feel wanted by as many people as possible.

Sorry if this comes across as blunt. But I hope it helps.

Thanks for your response! It's not blunt at all, but it does raise some good points. Thanks for taking the time to read through it all.

I think the main reason my ex is depressed might be because of me (he had exams as well, but seemed okay until he asked me out- I do feel bad about this as it may have affected his results). He did dump me, but now claims that he didn't (he stormed out and then came back and started talking about his old ex gf. A few days later, when I asked, he said that we were 'just friends'). I think he definitely wants me back but he says he is also happy to be friends as well. I don't know if he genuinly means this, or if he is hanging around hoping I'll take him back.

As for my feelings, I really don't know. Sometimes, I love the person I'm with: he's funny, caring. He can be rude sometimes without meaning to be, but he does seem to love me back. My ex on the other hand never reall acted like he cared about me until we broke up (I did the asking-out and most of the running-around in the relationship), so I'm very wary of believing him. He's done stupid stuff since he found out I was seeing my current bf, like emailing love letters and at one stage going to my house and putting a letter in my post box, but he's been embarrassed about it later and we've continued chatting more or less as normal. He used to talk about his ex a lot when I was going out with him, so I know that he's done similar things in the past. When his last gf took him back however (after several begging letters), he said he didn't try very hard afterwards, so this is anotehr reason why I am sceptical that he truly wants me back. I think it may be like you said: he wants to feel wanted.

Do you know of anyway to still keep in contact without raising his hopes? I told him I would not dump the other person for him, but I suppose, since that didn't stop him posting the letter, that may not have sunk in or he may not have a problem. I genuinely do not want to get his hopes up or lead him on.

I guess I still do fancy him a bit; I don't think you ever really stop loving another person, even if they did hurt you a lot, but that makes it all the harder to stop talking to him.

When I'm with my current bf, I feel bad, as if I am cheating on him, and I love him, but on my own (most of the week: I only see my bf on weekends), I get v lonely and am scared to pester him with too many calls (we agreed at the start to send a text once a day, and I feel guilty and clingy if I over-step that limit and call him or try to msn him, athough he's never outright told me to stop (he hasn't rung back tonight though, when I mis-called earlier).

You're right, I definitely got into this relationship too quickly. Whilst I really do like my current bf, and treasure the time I've spent with him, I probably would have got back with my ex eventually had I remained single. I'm in a damned-if-I-do, Damned-if-I-don;t situation, and I guess I've been putting it off hoping the way will become clear. It isn't though. I'm scared that I don't have the wisdom or strength to see which path is correct and take it

Well it sounds as if your ex is really into the chase. But then once he's got what he wants the novelty wears off for him. I'd be very cynical regading his behaviour. It just sounds as if your gonna have to make it really firm and clear to him that theres no chance you and him will get back together nor that you are prepared to cheat on your current bf. It sounds as if he's guilt-tripped you into feeling the way you are now. Also I'd try get this out of the way asap just incase your current bf starts getting cranky over the whole situation.

Though you are absolutely right some people you never stop loving no matter how bad they are for you.

Last edited by Daemonic-Jackal on 11 Jun 2009, 4:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

Well, it seems to me that your ex might just be lonely and reaching out to anyone he can. If you try and be too indecisive here, you may wind up losing both your ex and your current bf.

I'm not trying to hurl insults here.. But it seems to me you really should talk to your current bf about not being able to call as often, if not being able to talk to him that often isn't putting a strain on your relationship, its time to renegotiate just how often you can talk/text him.

Trying to find ways to let your bf down easy in hopes that he'll still be friends isn't something for you to decide, its something for him to decide. If he's a true friend, he'll respect your feelings and be there for you. Just don't try and find something with your ex that you're not getting from your current boyfriend (I.E. an emotional affair). If you really just need someone to talk to, keep it at that. If you need something more.. you need to tell your current boyfriend just that and discuss why you feel that way and what you two can do about it.

But if what i'm saying is off the mark and you really are just dissatisfied with your relationship, don't repeat the same mistake and rush back to your ex just because he's being the comforting friend now. You may have to seriously just question whether or not you want to be in this current relationship and maybe after a little time has passed, consider whether you really want to get back with your ex or not and talk out the problems that caused him to break up with you in the first place.