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Maggiedoll
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:06 pm    Post subject: Unwritten Social Rules -- Written Reply with quote

Ok, since Magneto's Social Rules Redefined thread wasn't the place for it, I'm starting a new thread for everyone to write the unwritten social rules that we learned the hard way!

Everyone, try to come up with more of 'em!

trying to add all the ones people have to the main list... is gettin' late, will do more tomorrow. Smile

1. Do you want to _______?" is a command to do that thing.

2. When a salesperson says "How are you?" - they mean "Do you want to buy something, or are you likely to pinch our stuff?"

1. If someone looks at your food and says "Yum, that looks so good!" they're not making a comment, they want you to give them food.

2. When people make comments like "Nice weather today" they expect a response.

3. If sombody says something like "I had the craziest dream last night" you're supposed to ask them about it.

4. Just because someone asks for your honest opinion and insists that you please be totally honest doesn't mean they won't be pissed off if you say something negative.

5. Don't look at your watch when you're in the middle of a conversation because people will think you're bored, even if you really just like knowing what time it is.

6. When somebody asks you a yes/no question during a conversation, the conversation will usually go better if you elaborate a little instead of just answering yes or no.

7. Don't fold your arms when you're talking to someone because it indicates hostility, even if you're not feeling hostile at all and are just more comfortable that way.

1. When someone threatens to take an overdose, do not give them the pills and say "Either do it, or stop whining about it".

2. If someone has tears running down their face, do not enquire as to what they are feeling. Always assume they are unhappy, because they will be offended that you need to ask.

3. Unless an individual is talking about something superficial, they are lying.

4. Do not laugh at other people's misfortunes even if you find it funny.

5. What is acceptable to laugh at during a cartoon is not necessarily acceptable to laugh at in real life.

6. Do not laugh at funerals.

7. Do not play tag/games at funerals.

8. When someone says "I think i have bruised my arm", they are not asking you to induce pain from said area to make sure it is a bruise. They are stating that they have hurt themselves.

9. When someone asks you how they look, do not reply "pale, fat, lethargic, tired.... etc.

10. Do not state how others are feeling, they will take offense even if your statement is correct.

The original comments that sparked this thread:

Maggiedoll wrote:
"Do you want to _______?" is a command to do that thing.

When I was a kid, I didn't usually wear a seatbelt in the neighborhood.. all of like 5 residential streets with no traffic and a very very low speed limit. Anywhere outside of there, I would, but not usually there. My school was within the neighborhood. One day there was a car-pool and someone else's mom asked me if I wanted to put on my seat belt. I said no. For goodness sakes, she ASKED if I wanted to, she didn't tell me to! This did NOT go over well. I think that if someone is going to tell a kid that they have to do something, it's absolutely STUPID to phrase it "do you want to put on your seat belt?"


Activebutodd, you made the same mistake I did thinking that the other thread was what I'm turning this thread into-- you don't mind me quoting you here, do you?

I added the one about the store clerk to the list, but I'm not sure about the other two.. what ARE you supposed to do in the case of the elevator thing, I think even NTs get uncomfortable in elevators, so I'm not sure if turning to the door is any more awkward than anything else about being in an elevator. And does the doing something as friends actually mean "more than friends"?

activebutodd wrote:
If someone of the opposite gender asks you to go somewhere/do something as just 'friends'- they want to be more than friends. Laughing

If on entering an elevator you do not immediately turn back around to face the door- that is considered very strange.

When a salesperson says "How are you?" - they mean "Do you want to buy something, or are you likely to pinch our stuff?"


Last edited by Maggiedoll on Fri Jun 19, 2009 10:59 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Aimless
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sometimes "May I help You?" means "Who are you and what the hell are you doing here?"
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Halewijn
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In is indeed funny to watch the confusion on the salespersons face when you truthfully answer that you are actually not feeling that well and are in a lousy mood....

I think that the "Hawaya" stuff is just an empty friendliness gesture that holds no meaning even for NT people.

At parties when people ask how you are, the answer seems to require to be 'good' or else you get odd expressions.

Not sure why people state 'good morning' every morning in the office. Sometimes I do mumble that I decide that for myself.

Did notice though that if you tell the direct manager what you are planning to do this day that this manager is pleased with you despite you doing something totally different. Feels like a trick but it seems to work really well. No more difficult dealings with that manager after I started doing that.
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Michjo
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Unwritten social rules i have learnt in my 24 years of life, hmmmmm...

1. When someone threatens to take an overdose, do not give them the pills and say "Either do it, or stop whining about it".

2. If someone has tears running down their face, do not enquire as to what they are feeling. Always assume they are unhappy, because they will be offended that you need to ask.

3. Unless an individual is talking about something superficial, they are lying.

4. Do not laugh at other people's misfortunes even if you find it funny.

5. What is acceptable to laugh at during a cartoon is not necessarily acceptable to laugh at in real life.

6. Do not laugh at funerals.

7. Do not play tag/games at funerals.

8. When someone says "I think i have bruised my arm", they are not asking you to induce pain from said area to make sure it is a bruise. They are stating that they have hurt themselves.

9. When someone asks you how they look, do not reply "pale, fat, lethargic, tired.... etc.

10. Do not state how others are feeling, they will take offense even if your statement is correct.
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Maggiedoll
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, I think I"m going to split the original into sections for "major" and "minor" social rules... a top one for more generalized, and one after that for a list of specific situations that may or may not translate into others, could be slightly humorous, or may not be controllable.

Aimless wrote:
Sometimes "May I help You?" means "Who are you and what the hell are you doing here?"


That one is the same as the one activebutodd said about "how are you?" meaning "are you doing to buy anything or shoplift?"

Should I maybe write that seperatly, but as part of the same item on the list?


ooOO!!! maybe I should catagorize them all.. have categories of general social rules, and then list all the different situations by which people have discovered them the hard way..
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Aimless
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 7:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, after I posted that I realized I should have been more specific but by then my little boy was on the computer. I meant if you are on someones property and they are not sure whether you are up to no good.
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paddy26
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

when someone asks "do you want to go for a drink?" the "going for a drink" part itself is not important rather than hanging out and catching up with that person. Hope that makes sense.
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Cicely
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

1. If someone looks at your food and says "Yum, that looks so good!" they're not making a comment, they want you to give them food.

2. When people make comments like "Nice weather today" they expect a response.

3. If sombody says something like "I had the craziest dream last night" you're supposed to ask them about it.

4. Just because someone asks for your honest opinion and insists that you please be totally honest doesn't mean they won't be pissed off if you say something negative.

5. Don't look at your watch when you're in the middle of a conversation because people will think you're bored, even if you really just like knowing what time it is.

6. When somebody asks you a yes/no question during a conversation, the conversation will usually go better if you elaborate a little instead of just answering yes or no.

7. Don't fold your arms when you're talking to someone because it indicates hostility, even if you're not feeling hostile at all and are just more comfortable that way.


Maggiedoll, I had the same problem with "Do you want to ____?" My parents are pretty much incapable of giving direct commands, they always phrase things like that. It took me a long time to figure out that they were not asking a legitimate question, they were telling me to do something.
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Maggiedoll
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 10:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cicely wrote:
1. If someone looks at your food and says "Yum, that looks so good!" they're not making a comment, they want you to give them food.

To what extent? Like, if my next door neighbor says it smells good when I'm grilling, am I supposed to feed them??

Cicely wrote:

4. Just because someone asks for your honest opinion and insists that you please be totally honest doesn't mean they won't be pissed off if you say something negative.


On that one.. anyone know how to tell when people actually do want an honest opinion? one would think that specifically saying it would be good indication.. but I guess not..

Cicely wrote:

5. Don't look at your watch when you're in the middle of a conversation because people will think you're bored, even if you really just like knowing what time it is.

Does this still hold true if you have something important happening soon and have already mentioned that?

You had good ones!!
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activebutodd
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, I didn't know what Magneto was asking. I took it to mean 'what have you learned the hard way, so we may compare notes and compile a makeshift list of guidelines.'

I find NT people will say things while really meaning others, and they assume you are aware of that.
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Sephiroth_52
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 11:03 am    Post subject: Re: Unwritten Social Rules -- Written Reply with quote

Maggiedoll wrote:
Ok, since Magneto's Social Rules Redefined thread wasn't the place for it, I'm starting a new thread for everyone to write the unwritten social rules that we learned the hard way!

Everyone, try to come up with more of 'em!

trying to add all the ones people have to the main list... is gettin' late, will do more tomorrow. Smile

1. Do you want to _______?" is a command to do that thing.
No, it's a chance for me to say NO

2. When a salesperson says "How are you?" - they mean "Do you want to buy something, or are you likely to pinch our stuff?"
This leads me to say "I'm fine, thank you. If I need your help, I will ask for it. Now go away."

1. If someone looks at your food and says "Yum, that looks so good!" they're not making a comment, they want you to give them food.
That's too bad. They can starve. Chances are, if it looks good, I'm eating it for a freakin reason.

2. When people make comments like "Nice weather today" they expect a response.
I respond with, "No it's not. It's horrible." Just to be weird.

3. If sombody says something like "I had the craziest dream last night" you're supposed to ask them about it.
"Really, you had a dream last night? Really? Well, I don't want to hear about it so, keep it to your self."

4. Just because someone asks for your honest opinion and insists that you please be totally honest doesn't mean they won't be pissed off if you say something negative.
And I will be honest, regardless if they cry like a sisy or not.

5. Don't look at your watch when you're in the middle of a conversation because people will think you're bored, even if you really just like knowing what time it is.
I do it anyway

6. When somebody asks you a yes/no question during a conversation, the conversation will usually go better if you elaborate a little instead of just answering yes or no.
No, in all seriousness, it does NOT go better if you elaborate. Just answer yes, or no.

7. Don't fold your arms when you're talking to someone because it indicates hostility, even if you're not feeling hostile at all and are just more comfortable that way.
I fold my arms on purpose, if the conversation is boring and I just want you to shut up.

1. When someone threatens to take an overdose, do not give them the pills and say "Either do it, or stop whining about it".

2. If someone has tears running down their face, do not enquire as to what they are feeling. Always assume they are unhappy, because they will be offended that you need to ask.
Simply ask "What wrong?"

3. Unless an individual is talking about something superficial, they are lying.
WTF if this one suposed to mean?

4. Do not laugh at other people's misfortunes even if you find it funny.
Sorry, can't help it.

5. What is acceptable to laugh at during a cartoon is not necessarily acceptable to laugh at in real life.
Sure it is! lmao

6. Do not laugh at funerals.
We celebrate tthe persons LIFE at funerals in my family. We tell happy stories and the persons favorite jokes. If there is no laughing at the funeral, something is wrong.

7. Do not play tag/games at funerals.

8. When someone says "I think i have bruised my arm", they are not asking you to induce pain from said area to make sure it is a bruise. They are stating that they have hurt themselves.

9. When someone asks you how they look, do not reply "pale, fat, lethargic, tired.... etc.

10. Do not state how others are feeling, they will take offense even if your statement is correct.

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Maggiedoll
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

activebutodd wrote:
Oh, I didn't know what Magneto was asking. I took it to mean 'what have you learned the hard way, so we may compare notes and compile a makeshift list of guidelines.'

I find NT people will say things while really meaning others, and they assume you are aware of that.


So did I, and I thought it was a good idea.. that's why I started this thread. Smile
(That means you didn't mind me moving your quote over to this thread, right? Sorry to repeat myself.. Lol, I got made fun of for that today.. the way I keep repeating a question if someone doesn't directly answer it. But really, whenever I try to infer answers to questions I ask, I get it wrong. Particularly if I felt sure of the answer.)
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Maggiedoll
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 9:35 pm    Post subject: Re: Unwritten Social Rules -- Written Reply with quote

Sephiroth, I meant this thread for just listing the stuff we've found out the hard way. There's plenty of discussing the weirdnesses of what's meant vs. what's said, but I made this thread for just like a reference of what others have learned about what NTs expect when they say or do something. Whether or not you follow it, think it's stupid, or follow it even though it's stupid.. is good to know have a nice list that says what we've learned they mean.
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WillWasHere
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2009 10:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

27.6 When chatting in groups, think of a story ahead of time, that takes maybe 15- 20 seconds to relay, that is roughly on topic. When the person to your left stops talking, move your hand, palm upward and take a audible breath (this tells the group that you are about to talk), and tell your story for 20 seconds. Do not expect questions or interactions about story (unless it is scandalous). Then someone else will talk. Think of your next story and repeat ad-nauseam. NT's seem to like spending time like this.
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Tory_canuck
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 5:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My stepmom is an NT, but yet when at their house, when at the dinner table, she'd eat off everyone else's plate but her own..:/
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