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Should I let him move in?
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Lene
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 7:33 am    Post subject: Should I let him move in? Reply with quote

I've been going out with my bf for about 5 months now. He says he loves me and I think I feel the same. At the moment, he's working out of town and most weekends he stays at my place.

He'll be moving back to my town in 3 months and needs somewhere to stay. At the start of our relationship, I volunteered that he could move in with me. However, I now have a lot of worries about this being a good idea or not.

I know it sounds kind of selfish not letting him move in (my parents own my flat so I don't have to pay rent), but I'm worried about several things;

1. that I'll feel like a guest in my own house (this was the main reason why I lived by myself to begin with and did not want tenants)

2. that he might get bored of the relationship, but just hang on because of the free lodging.

3. that we'll end up acting like an old married couple (we're both early twenties), only seeing each other in the evenings & living separate lives.

4. I won't know when he'll be around or not (due to work/college); I think this would really stress me out but I don't want to be a control freak either. At the moment, it's fine; I know that all week, he's away, and then he texts to let me know what time he'll probably be at my place at the weekends. I don't think I could get used to the feeling of being left 'hanging on the telephone', not knowing when I'm going to see him next...

5. I enjoy his company, but he's told me he'll rarely be around due to college/work, so I worry that it will be like having an absent room-mate, not a bf.

6. he says if he had to pay rent, he'd need to work more hours and rarely see me- whilst I see his point, this does feel a bit like emotional blackmail

7. he initially wanted to move in when he thought that I was staying elsewhere (I rented a room in shared accomodation over Winter because it helped with the depression/loneliness), but I don't think he realises that I spend about 2/3rds of my time in my own place (I have told him though). I'm afraid of feeling like I'm 'disturbing him' by going back home and that I 'ought' to stay back in my room; in essence, I'm afraid that I'll feel kicked out of my own flat.

8. I'm afraid that if we break up, it will be even worse because of having lived together.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this here, except that I need to know if anyone else has tried living with someone before; did it work out? What helped, and what were the pitfalls that arose? Anything similar to what I mentioned above?

I don't know if I'm just being illogical, and I really don't want to only see him one evening a week or something, but I feel really uneasy at the moment with the idea.
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Postperson
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 7:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

mm i think i'd let him live out. I don't like the sound of it.
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Lene
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 8:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Postperson wrote:
mm i think i'd let him live out. I don't like the sound of it.


thanks for your honesty Postperson.
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whitetiger
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 8:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've been with my BF for 2 years. We both have AS. We do not live together because we each need our space. We need time for our special interests and too much social contact overloads us. We've even talked about getting married, yet still living apart. I know it sounds strange, but it works for us.

If you're not completely sure, I don't think you should live together.
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Dianitapilla
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 9:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's funny.

I live with my bf for 2 years already, since the first moment I met him we've been living together and having a relationship (long story). I'm always home, I love my small place in front of my computer, my safe zone. He's almost never at home, and when he is he's in another room.

We moved from a small house to a big one with more rooms cause there were moments where I (as well as him) would like to be let ALONE. A place were I don't have to feel forced to talk to no one simply cause they are sitting in the same room, so it works well if we have different spaces. As well, he nedeed a place to be alone, and not bothered by my noises or non-sense chatter.

Some times as we were fed up with each other, just nedeed to be ALONE so it's great to have more rooms than 2 were we can sit appart.


Most of the time then we are not seeing each other even though we are at least 3 days free to be home together, but our relation it's perfect!!! whenever we are together it's great! We don't get bored of each other that easily cause we are sharing beautiful or happy/funny moments when we are together.

We share with each other everyday minimum 3 moments, waking up, dinner & going to bed, the most perfect moments of our days.

Every once in a while we go out (when we feel this 3 moments are not enough and we are missing each other), every once in a while we watch a movie, or we have friends over. But if we spent too much time together we start feeling like ok... it's enough, now you go do your thing cause I want to do mine Rolling Eyes

You will never feel like a guest in your own house living with the person you love, living together means sharing your lonelyness your comfortable zone HOME and all you are wich it's represented in that space. He loves you and will be more than happy to share your space, interested in getting to know you even better even though he's the one that might feel like a guest.

I fear the same, that we are start acting and feeling like the "dinning dead", truth be told... you don't need to move over to get to that point. I had a 5 year relationship with a guy I used to love, I was often staying over but never moved in. We were THE "dinning dead" and we were not living together.

Also, don't fear stability as it is not bad, a relaxed relationship can have routines but as long as you don't grow appart you will always find something to talk about an enjoy. And even if you do grow appart, how were you suppose to know?! Just by trying you can find out, try and enjoy it in the meanwhile.

Good luck!
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Saspie
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 9:56 am    Post subject: Re: Should I let him move in? Reply with quote

Lene wrote:
I've been going out with my bf for about 5 months now. He says he loves me and I think I feel the same. At the moment, he's working out of town and most weekends he stays at my place.


That is fairly early to be moving in. But it works for some people. I waited for three years before moving in with my partner but that is just me, I am cautious in that regard.

Here is what I think about each point (just my opinion so may not be relevant)

Quote:

1. that I'll feel like a guest in my own house (this was the main reason why I lived by myself to begin with and did not want tenants)


Well this is something you'll have to get over if you ever want a partner living with you. If you always want to live alone then don't have him move in but if you have the aim of moving in with a partner you will have to get over this.

Quote:

2. that he might get bored of the relationship, but just hang on because of the free lodging.


Make him pay rent. Me and my partner pay 50% each for all bills. (Apart from our own personal ones like mobiles and car expenses)

Quote:

3. that we'll end up acting like an old married couple (we're both early twenties), only seeing each other in the evenings & living separate lives.


You have to make an effort to do special things if you move in together, but that will need to happen with anybody if you plan to move in with a partner (see response to 1).

Quote:

4. I won't know when he'll be around or not (due to work/college); I think this would really stress me out but I don't want to be a control freak either. At the moment, it's fine; I know that all week, he's away, and then he texts to let me know what time he'll probably be at my place at the weekends. I don't think I could get used to the feeling of being left 'hanging on the telephone', not knowing when I'm going to see him next...


Well if you live with someone generally they inform you of their plans and movements. This is not an unreasonable ask. If he is going to be late back or early home, ask that he phones you. This is what me and my partner do.

Quote:

5. I enjoy his company, but he's told me he'll rarely be around due to college/work, so I worry that it will be like having an absent room-mate, not a bf.


Is this a problem now? If not, it is weird that you feel you'll see less of him when you move in together. He has to make time to see you, if that is what you want. You need to compromise over things like that.

Quote:

6. he says if he had to pay rent, he'd need to work more hours and rarely see me- whilst I see his point, this does feel a bit like emotional blackmail


Ok this is the main thing that concerns me about this guy in particular. I would have serious concerns if someone wanted to move in with me but was not prepared to contribute to the bills. I'd tell him "tough s***" and make him contribute, personally. If you do not let him move in with you he is going to have to pay rent for his own house so either way he is going to need to work and you won't see as much of him.

Quote:

7. he initially wanted to move in when he thought that I was staying elsewhere (I rented a room in shared accomodation over Winter because it helped with the depression/loneliness), but I don't think he realises that I spend about 2/3rds of my time in my own place (I have told him though). I'm afraid of feeling like I'm 'disturbing him' by going back home and that I 'ought' to stay back in my room; in essence, I'm afraid that I'll feel kicked out of my own flat.


It is important to have personal space when living with someone. Maybe you guys should work out having a bit of the house to yourselves and the other person should not barge in whenever they feel like. So then you should feel comfortable to come home. Me and my boyfriend have our own little studies we can retreat to when we need time apart.

Quote:

8. I'm afraid that if we break up, it will be even worse because of having lived together.


It probably will be. But this will most likely happen with any person you get serious about. A risk one has to take with heading into a serious relationship.

Quote:

I'm not sure why I'm writing this here, except that I need to know if anyone else has tried living with someone before; did it work out? What helped, and what were the pitfalls that arose? Anything similar to what I mentioned above?


I have lived with my partner for two years now. We've been together over five years. I did not know I had AS until last year. Before this time we had arguments about my strict eating habits, my dislike of noise, me getting upset when his friends showed up unannounced, me accidentally offending people and me having to have certain routines (like sit in the same spot when watching TV, arranging things certain ways, etc). It was not too serious but they were still reoccuring issues and some related to some of the AS traits I have. Since he knows I have AS now, he is much more understanding of the things that I have trouble coping with and we have worked out a lot of compromises. Like if he wants to eat a food I hate, he does it when I am not around (if it is smelly like tuna - I nearly throw up when I smell that and it is one of his favourite foods!) or if he wants a take away I dislike we go to different shops to get our food. Before this he would try to insist I try new foods. He puts headphones on when listening to radio/TV/playing games, and so on. I make an effort to be ok with his friends showing up, and I try to eat new foods (with a little bit of success). Basically - it is a lot of compromise and both of us not trying to "win" out over the other.

One thing that can come up a lot is money. This has never been an issue with me and my partner like it has with friends as we keep our finances seperate. As long as I come up with my bills he does not ask about my earnings and vice versa Wink

Cleaning the house is another thing. I am quite bad at this and leave this everywhere in weird places Embarassed Something I am working on as I know it is annoying to my partner and something that is not fair on him.

There are many other things that are dependent on the people involved. Basically anything you have an issue with now will be amplified when you live together so if you do not think they can be resolved easily it is unlikely that living with your boyfriend will make things better.

Quote:

I don't know if I'm just being illogical, and I really don't want to only see him one evening a week or something, but I feel really uneasy at the moment with the idea.


I do not think you are being illogical at all. It is very important to consider something like moving in with a partner deeply, as it is a big step. I wish you luck anyway.
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Learning2Survive
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ummm.... that might not be good for the relationship - living toooo close.
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Lene
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for your replies everyone; I've read them all and am currently trying to digest them before replying in detail Smile.

It's nice to be able to get new perspectives; I've been ruminating for quite a while now and I seem to be just going in circles by myself.

(just want to say one thing; Saspie, I haven't mentioned him paying rent when staying with me; he meant that if he had to work to pay rent on another flat, he'd rarely see me; sorry, I phrased it quite badly.)
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ILoveMusic
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would vote against boyfriend moving in for now. You should WANT for this to happen. If you have mixed feelings about it, you should pay attention to your gut instinct and postpone this type of living arrangement with him for the time being. It sounds like things might be moving a bit too fast for you (5 months is not a very long time, anyway). Just my 2 cents.....
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Lene
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 5:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've given it a bit of thought. For the moment, I don't think it's a good idea. It's 3 months away, but as people have said, that's still pretty soon.

ILoveMusic, whitetiger; I think you're correct when you say if I'm not completely sure, I shouldn't go ahead. I'm a bit of a people pleaser and he can be very persuasive (plus it was my idea at the start), but I really don't like the idea.

Yes, he'll have to work to pay rent, but if he wants to see me, I'm sure he'll find a way.

Dianitapilla, it sounds like you've a really cool set-up. I'm not afraid of routines; I find them quite comforting and it's one oft eh reasons why the long-distance thing is working. I'm afraid that if he moves in with me, he'll come and go as he pleases without letting me know what's going on. With my last boyfriend, I got very stressed out when I didn't know in advance when I'd see or hear from him next.

Saspie, thanks for answering each point. I like your suggestion of making him pay rent; it would make me feel less like a sugar-mama Razz but I really hate the idea of asking him for money... you asked did I have a problem now with him not being around; the answer is I kind of do, but I know it's because we can't be together; he's miles away. If he lived in the same town as me, or the same house, and still was never around, I think I might feel different (I know that's a bit weird); he's actually said that he'll probably only see me about once a week, which isn't enough.

I don't know, basically, I want him to put the effort into seeing me because he wants to make the effort, not because he happens to live with me. Maybe it's a bit selfish, but I really think that we would just end up sitting at home after college, doing nothing (I think he'd be quite happy to spend the weekends doing that as it is).

I don't feel old enough or that I trust him that much to have him move in. So I guess that's that sorted. Thanks again everyone for your replies.
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