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Denim
Butterfly
Joined: Aug 17, 2009
Posts: 10
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 Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 2:21 pm Post subject: So who has (AS) mastered social skills? |
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Maybe I could learn all the gimmicks to 'act' accordingly and have a normal social life.
But what then? I mean now I think I have atlest poor social act going on, but after maybe one hour I just lose my intererest (energy) to chat with the 'acting'. Then I want to be at ease and then I end up upsetting people or I get ditched.
What follows is that after a while I don't want to be all alone. I need people to chat with but get bored, so it's a vicious cycle  |
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deadeyexx
Velociraptor
Joined: Sep 11, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 458
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| Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 3:04 pm Post subject: |
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You can learn everything about social interaction there is to know, but it will still never come naturally. It doesn't work that way.
Just like an unintellegent person could read & study all day, but not gain IQ points. They can build up knowledge & experience, but never really become smarter. |
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scorpileo
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 23, 2009
Age: 18
Posts: 580
Location: cornwall uk
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| Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 3:19 pm Post subject: |
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i have to a degree.. im thought as ecentric.. a bit rude... oh well
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Nan
Phoenix
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Joined: Mar 02, 2006
Posts: 4073
Location: the ultimate elsewhere
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| Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 4:07 pm Post subject: |
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Define "master"?
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Denim
Butterfly
Joined: Aug 17, 2009
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 5:34 pm Post subject: |
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| deadeyexx wrote: | | You can learn everything about social interaction there is to know, but it will still never come naturally. It doesn't work that way. |
Doesn't feel natural to others or doesn't feel natural to you?
Person who has social skills good enough to appear as NT. |
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Willard
Suicide Mohel
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 2122
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| Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 5:43 pm Post subject: |
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Generally speaking, you can pretty much judge by the way others respond to you whether you're doing a decent job of it.
As far as 'mastering' goes. You have an atypical brain function. That isn't going to change, no matter how much you practice. You can learn coping mechanisms that will provide you with 'work arounds', but unless Jesus comes back and touches you on the head, you're not going to be healed at any point in your life, get used to it. 
Just when you think you've become a master at pretending to be perfectly NT, that's the very moment people will be giving each other the eye-roll behind your back. You won't even realize you're doing anything wrong, because your brain works differently than everyone elses.
On the other hand, I still run into friends from years ago who seem stunned and dubious when I tell them I have AS. They seem to find it unbelievable that I could possibly have anything wrong with me like that. Of course, they don't live inside my head and most of them were my friends to begin with because they're a little out-of-mainstream themselves. And of course, they know nothing about AS or autism in general, so it's hard to get their heads around.
People who are not my friends, however, will tell you right up front there's something odd about me and it gets on their nerves. Screw 'em. 
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Aoi
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 17, 2009
Posts: 629
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| Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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Mastered? Not at all. I still struggle with the basics, or so I'm told. My handful of friends are not Aspies, but all are "neuro-atypical" in some significant way.
Do Aspies make friends more readily with other "neuro-atypicals"? Maybe we should have a poll on that subject.
I tried the "fake it till you make it" approach for a while when younger, but ended up with "fake it till you break it". I know that this is just how it is, because as Willard said, it's just how my brain works. |
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ebec11
Missing In Action: Innocence
Joined: Jan 18, 2008
Posts: 6586
Location: Somewhere in Canada
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| Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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| deadeyexx wrote: | You can learn everything about social interaction there is to know, but it will still never come naturally. It doesn't work that way.
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I agree with you, I've learned many social skills from working hard at it, listening to people even when I don't want to, and watching how people interact more - but those social skill are hard to maintain, I often forget to do things I'm supposed to and I have to make myself remember what to do a lot of the time.
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WoodenNickel
Toucan
Joined: May 26, 2009
Posts: 282
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| Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 9:57 pm Post subject: |
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I've improved and been given advice on how to obtain help to improve more, but I don't think I will "master" it. That is, I don't think I will ever achieve an NT level of proficiency.
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Android
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 30, 2009
Age: 24
Posts: 28
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| Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 11:40 pm Post subject: |
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You can certainly expand your social skills with practice, but you need to find people who will meet you halfway, too. There's two biggies I've learned: Spend less time talking about myself and what I like, and more time encouraging the other person to share their concerns, interests and feelings. You make friends by showing others that you care about what's going on in their head and letting them know they can open up to you. Also, we tend to rant obsessively about our interests. And that's okay, as long as we keep it under control and are careful not to wear others out.
On the other end of the spectrum, though, you should keep in mind that you'll probably never be the ever-popular social butterfly. You'll exhaust yourself if you try to get any kind of person to like you. Spend less energy on the "average joe" and give more attention to people you meet just through common interests.
Oh, and I've found that waitressing really helped me learn some stuff. You grow a real tolerance to bullshit and learn to grin and shrug it off when you're putting up with it every day for the sake of the money. Maybe you can practice social skills by taking on a more social responsability at work, like cashiering (I have no idea what you do for a living, but just throwing ideas out there.) |
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Daniella
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jun 10, 2009
Age: 19
Posts: 181
Location: Netherlands
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| Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 6:31 am Post subject: |
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Well, compared to what I read from others on these forums, I think I'm doing well for an "aspie". I've noticed my lack of EQ at the age of twelve and have been trying to learn the social rules ever since. But even before that, I've been VERY interested in stand-up comedy and been on stage since the age of 6 or 7, which at least learns you how to use your voice effectively, how to control your facial expressions, etc.
I have a part-time job at a supermarket since I got 16, filling shelves, not being a cashier (which would've been a solo-job). With filling the shelves you have to talk to your co-workers a lot, about work, but also a SHITLOAD of small-talk, which annoys the hell out of me, but I get by and I keep getting better at it. I still tend to not notice jokes, because I assume people are being serious, that sort of stuff. But it's going a lot better than it did 2,5 years ago, when I started. The first year was HELL. Lots of f**k ups, embarrassing situations, etc, but I survived and I'm really really happy I did. I've learnt so much.
It still feels fake though. And I doubt I'll ever get this inner "urge" to socialise, the urge NT's seem to have. It is still tiresome and boring to me. |
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sefer
Raven
Joined: Aug 13, 2009
Posts: 101
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| Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 10:17 am Post subject: |
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| deadeyexx wrote: | You can learn everything about social interaction there is to know, but it will still never come naturally. It doesn't work that way.
Just like an unintellegent person could read & study all day, but not gain IQ points. They can build up knowledge & experience, but never really become smarter. |
Truth right here. |
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deadeyexx
Velociraptor
Joined: Sep 11, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 458
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| Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 10:58 am Post subject: |
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| Denim wrote: | | deadeyexx wrote: | | You can learn everything about social interaction there is to know, but it will still never come naturally. It doesn't work that way. |
Doesn't feel natural to others or doesn't feel natural to you?
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To you. You may build your skills up well enough to where others think you're being natural, but only you will know how much effort it takes to keep that up.
I guess my definition of "mastering" something is different than yours. My definition is when a skillset of yours becomes so good, it has become part of you & can be performed effortlessly. Aspies & other people with low EQ can't get there.
We can sometimes get good at social skills to the point we feel we can stop thinking about our every move though. However, when that happens, we tend to get sloppy & have to go back to making a conscious effort again. I've gone thru this cycle many times. |
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NauticalCa
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: Mar 20, 2009
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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I think I've become pretty good at interacting with NT people. I have the added benefit of being Twice Exceptional (not exceptional as in better, but having multiple conditions) through being identified as Gifted. This has made it a lot easier for me to learn social skills (albeit with plenty of trial and errors).
I'm at the point now where a lot of people are surprised when I tell them I have AS, because they think I'm fairly normal, as it were. But it's been a long, long road... |
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Nyceane
Emu Egg
Joined: Aug 22, 2009
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:06 pm Post subject: |
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I can make most people like me right off the start now, mostly because its interesting to interact with other people at the beginning. But once they get to know me, they usually find out I have AS due to the fact they aren't usually interested in my topic of interest and vice versa.
It took a while, I've trained myself in picking up random girls on the street, bookstore and other random place, and after a while its sort of natural for me to hit up some interesting topic and catch their attention, speaking of common interest instead of wait for them to say what they are interested in. With guys its usually about sport, bars, hitting on women, with girls its usually about their hair, about their life and how beautiful they are... |
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