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Praetor2379
Sea Gull
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Joined: Mar 15, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 237
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 Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 5:54 pm Post subject: How to maintain a possible friendship |
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I met this girl last week at the start of school. She sat beside me on the first day of school, and she offered me a piece of gum. That's how I met her. We've sat beside each other a few times now, but my conversations with her are quite limited. Beyond asking her how she is, what courses she's taking, etc. I really have nothing to sustain a friendship with. I also don't want to seem to clingy to her so I wont sit beside her on my own initiative, I wait for her to come sit near me. Today we sat beside each other, but I only said how are you, and at the end of class I said bye. Can anyone tell me how I can maintain a friendship with her?
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I have Asperger's Syndrome. I'm not an Aspie. |
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Tom
bass martian
Joined: Oct 20, 2004
Age: 26
Posts: 1408
Location: Where you least expect it
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| Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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if it was me i would let her know i liked her by saying i was glad you sat by me as you are very nice and it was kind to give me gum. And something like what did you do on the weekend, what do you like to do, and if she mentions something she enjoys talk about that.
When i had a job with lots of girls, i always used to tell them about romantic worries i had had in the past and ask their advice on romance, it always made them really intrested and think i was funny and ask me more. To be honest, a lot of the "worries" were just things i made up to sound funny, after i realised it was such a fun topic to them. |
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Praetor2379
Sea Gull
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Joined: Mar 15, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 237
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 12:13 am Post subject: |
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How does this get 132 view, but only one reply? Guys, this is very important to me; I don't want to screw up a friendship simply by seeming uninterested by my lack of socializing skills.
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I have Asperger's Syndrome. I'm not an Aspie. |
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racooneyes
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 24, 2009
Age: 30
Posts: 357
Location: blackeye, outer rim
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 12:54 am Post subject: |
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| Praetor2379 wrote: | | How does this get 132 view, but only one reply? |
It's an asperger's site and everyone's waiting for the answer? 
Do you have time to talk to her at all in the class? If not maybe try talking to her afterwards. Firstly talk about what you have in common which at the moment is the class, ask her if she enjoys it etc maybe ask her to clarify something for you even if you don't need it clarified. Asking about the weekend was one I used a lot in my younger days and it very rarely failed to keep a conversation going. From there ask her questions not about random stuff but about her and wha she's saying.
After talking about previous weekends for a while ask her what she's doing this weekend and if she says nothing yet then ask if she'd like to hang out.
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read all the pamphlets and watch the tapes!
get all confused and then mix up the dates. |
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Tom
bass martian
Joined: Oct 20, 2004
Age: 26
Posts: 1408
Location: Where you least expect it
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 3:56 am Post subject: |
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| buy social guide books by Leil Lowndes and Neil Strauss. |
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Cassia
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jun 29, 2009
Posts: 49
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 10:07 am Post subject: |
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It seems to me that right now you're at the stage of developing a possible friendship, not yet maintaining a possible friendship. For this stage, you want to find things to talk with her about, in order to build up a basic connection. Raccooneyes has some good suggestions for topics that can create conversations and make a basic friendly connection. I would also try to find topics where you might have something in common. For example, if I were in that position, I would likely ask what they like doing when they're not studying; I would ask whether they like books, and if they do, what books/authors they like. If they liked similar books/authors to me, I'd ask questions and talk more about that - for example, I might ask who their favourite characters were and why. Another person might be less interested in books and ask not about books, but about movies or music. Another question I find useful is asking people why they're studying what they're studying, or how they decided to study it, especially if it's not a common area of study - sometimes the answer is boring like "I thought it would get me a good job", but often it's interesting.
The second stage of developing a friendship is moving from talking during/before/after class to seeing each other and talking outside class - moving from a relationship based on happening to find yourself in the same place to a relationship based on purposely getting together. I find this step difficult and I don't have much to suggest - occasionally it 'just happens' without me making much effort, but otherwise I usually don't know how to make it happen even if I want to.
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Eccentric, with some quirks that are autistic-like, but probably not enough to be diagnosable. However, I and three of my good friends have independently thought I might be on the autistic spectrum, which seems more than coincidence. |
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Tom
bass martian
Joined: Oct 20, 2004
Age: 26
Posts: 1408
Location: Where you least expect it
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 10:20 am Post subject: |
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ask about family, ask what they did at the weekend to get clues to what they like doing,
say, "it is ok if we swap phone numbers and keep in touch"
one book told me that if its someone who likes banter you should make fun of everything they like, eg if they say I like dancing/swimming say in a sarcastic tone, oh god that sounds boring. NTs like that. |
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Cassia
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jun 29, 2009
Posts: 49
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 11:00 am Post subject: |
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| Tom wrote: |
one book told me that if its someone who likes banter you should make fun of everything they like, eg if they say I like dancing/swimming say in a sarcastic tone, oh god that sounds boring. NTs like that. |
I would be very careful with this suggestion. If you're certain that it's someone who likes banter, this might be successful. I've watched social groups in which banter and teasing somehow keep people together and show affection, although I've never understood how that works. However, not everyone (even not every NT) likes this, and if you do it with someone who doesn't like it, you could drive the away very quickly and ruin chances for a friendship. Additionally, I suspect it's the kind of thing that needs careful judgment, and that even with people who like it, it has to be done right, so they can tell that you're bantering and not actually disliking them.
_________________
Eccentric, with some quirks that are autistic-like, but probably not enough to be diagnosable. However, I and three of my good friends have independently thought I might be on the autistic spectrum, which seems more than coincidence. |
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Praetor2379
Sea Gull
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Joined: Mar 15, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 237
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| Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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So, today I talked with her again. She saw me in class and walked up to sit with me. I talked to her for a little while in the student life center on campus, and we walked together to our tutorial that we both have. I was starting to run out of things to talk to her about, but I asked her if she's involved with campus clubs, stuff like that.
Question: Is it a good idea to tell her that I have Asperger's, so she can understand that my lack of sociable skills is not because I'm not interested in talking to her but because I find it difficult to socialize?
_________________
I have Asperger's Syndrome. I'm not an Aspie. |
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racooneyes
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 24, 2009
Age: 30
Posts: 357
Location: blackeye, outer rim
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| Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 7:35 pm Post subject: |
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That's brilliant 
personaly i'd avoid disclosure until you feel you can trust her with potentially sensitive info like that, wait and see what happens. You can just say you're social skills aren't great for now. Someone will probably suggest a better way of saying it though 
_________________
read all the pamphlets and watch the tapes!
get all confused and then mix up the dates. |
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jimb424
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Sep 28, 2009
Posts: 59
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| Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 3:32 pm Post subject: |
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I used to overcompensate by talking about myself. People seemed to like that and felt closer to me.
Now, as I get older, I try to get others to talk about themselves. Much harder. When they do, i can usually relate something about myself to what they're talking about. We're sharing then. Friendship grows from there.
As you both are young, keep it to your common ground: class, interests, events, news, shows..."Hey did you see...?"
I would not disclose AS until you have to. Some young women like an aloof guy. Damned if I know why, but in college they pursued me . That is until they found out I was an asshole. I wasn't trying to be.... |
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Janissy
Phoenix
Joined: May 06, 2009
Age: 43
Posts: 1104
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| Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 5:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Praetor2379 wrote: | So, today I talked with her again. She saw me in class and walked up to sit with me. I talked to her for a little while in the student life center on campus, and we walked together to our tutorial that we both have. I was starting to run out of things to talk to her about, but I asked her if she's involved with campus clubs, stuff like that.
Question: Is it a good idea to tell her that I have Asperger's, so she can understand that my lack of sociable skills is not because I'm not interested in talking to her but because I find it difficult to socialize? |
Don't disclose Asperger's as such. Do disclose shyness and awkwardness. People can understand that without needing a diagnostic label. And it should help with the "I guess he doesn't like me after all" potential problem. |
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Iqita
Emu Egg
Joined: Aug 15, 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Mon Oct 26, 2009 5:55 am Post subject: Interesting topic ... |
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Interesting in general, and now I also get curious about how this works out.
I don't really have much good advice, I seem to be an aspie some people like to approach, but I don't know how to deal with the attention, and the connections, I don't know how to balance their interest, with my shortspanend attention and lack of social skills, and lack of maintenance of social connections.
Sometimes it is all right, to be silent for a while, when you run out of something to say. I know that is an awful feeling, but as a student in socal work, I was told that I should give other people a break, be quiet for a while, and don't panic with a desperate need to fill the silent "gap", but let others get a chance to think, and come up with something. The conversation is not totally your responsibility, so to make a dialog, you have to give her a chance to come up with something. And then follow her lead, of the conversation.
Listening is also a very good skill, not my strenght, but according to the books, you should be able to pick up something from what she says, and give it back with a question. In a way let her know you listen, and also that you show interest and want to know more about her and what she says.
Good luck! |
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judith26
Butterfly
Joined: Oct 26, 2009
Posts: 9
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| Posted: Mon Oct 26, 2009 9:33 pm Post subject: |
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| You can ask her to go to a movie together or something like that. |
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Iqita
Emu Egg
Joined: Aug 15, 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 12:26 pm Post subject: compliments... |
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Maybe you could give her some compliments?
About her apperance, her eyes, her smile, her looks, something she is good at? Letting her know you apreciate something about her, and her company?
Some people are good at giving compliments, in a genuinely nice way, and it is nice to be apreciated.
And remember to smile at her! If you can manage some eyecontact, keep it for a moment, and combine it with a smile, but keep it balanaced so you don't end up staring. |
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