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Sati
Velociraptor
Joined: Sep 03, 2009
Age: 23
Posts: 466
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 Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 2:13 am Post subject: Giving up on friendships |
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| Have you give up on friendships? Either your current ones, or attempts to make new ones? I'm trying so hard and nothing is coming over it. I feel like giving up. |
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zena4
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 31, 2009
Posts: 2126
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| Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 3:14 am Post subject: |
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Yes, many times.
... But I'm a love and friendship addict so I always end up coming back to it, in a way or another. |
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DarrylZero
One Cool Gumshoe
Joined: Jun 05, 2009
Posts: 1709
Location: Undercover...don't tell anyone! Shhhh
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| Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 4:19 am Post subject: |
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Usually they give up on me.
I had one friend who I sort of gave up on. I thought we were friends. However, she was bad when it came to e-mails. Neither of us were phone people, so we usually communicated via e-mail. However, I was nearly always the one who initiated contact, and she didn't always respond. I mentioned this, and she said she'd try harder to stay in touch. Well, I guess to her that meant only by an e-mail newsletter her fans subscribed to (she was a singer/songwriter at the time) or by posting something on her blog. I felt that if we were really friends, she'd want to stay in touch in a way that was more meaningful than grouping me in with her fans and sponsors.
Then it happened. I got a very brief e-mail from her. Basically, it said that she was busy and couldn't say much, but wanted to let me know she was thinking of me. I was touched that she would take time out from her busy schedule to say hi. Then I read her blog. In one of her posts she said that she had just spent the last few hours mindlessly surfing the Internet because she was bored. I noticed the date and time of her post. I took another look at the e-mail she sent. Using my keen detective skills, I realized she sent me the e-mail (when she claimed to be busy) during the time she said she was mindlessly surfing the Internet out of boredom.
Now, I suppose there could be a legitimate explanation, but on top of other things she'd done (like posting about planning a business trip to the city I live in, but never once mentioning it to me to see if we could plan a meetup), I decided I had to do something. So I unsubscribed from her newsletter and blog. That was it. If she really wanted to be friends, I figured, she'd get in touch with me directly. That was over 4 years ago and I still haven't heard from her. 
I have one friend right now. I've known her 8 years and in that time she has stayed in touch, done everything she could to be there for me, and made me feel special and cared for. And I've always tried my best to do the same for her. As long as she wants to stay friends, I will.
However, I've pretty much given up on seeking new friendships. It can get very lonely (my friend lives a few hundred miles away and I don't get to see her very often), but I'm just fed up with people who make all kinds of claims about how much they love me, how much they care about me, blah, blah, blah, only to let me down when I need them. If someone new actually wants to take the time and effort to know me, to try to understand me, I might reconsider. Until that time, if it happens, I'll just be grateful for the one true friend I have.
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"Now I'm a detective because I like the work....And liking the work makes you want to do it as well as you can. Otherwise there'd be no sense to it. I don't know anything else, don't enjoy anything else..." |
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Who_Am_I
stubbornness keeps me alive
Joined: Aug 28, 2005
Age: 25
Posts: 4780
Location: My body is in Brisbane and my mind is in the gutter. :D
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| Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 7:38 am Post subject: |
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| DarrylZero wrote: | Usually they give up on me.
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This. I'm guessing it's because I'm so terrible at initiating contact, and because I have a low need for social contact anyway, which makes people think I'm not interested in their friendship. Which is true in most cases, but not if I was already friends with the person.
_________________
Music Theory 101: Cadences.
Authentic cadence: V-I
Plagal cadence: IV-I
Deceptive cadence: V- ANYTHING BUT I !!!!
Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I |
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SINsister
the towering inferno
Joined: May 26, 2005
Posts: 1299
Location: six feet over
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| Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 11:58 am Post subject: |
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"Friendships" (more like "acquaintanceships") over the years have just fizzled out, because I really don't know how to be a friend. I don't know what's required of me - how often am I supposed to call/text/email this person? I have to go on assumptions, because I've got no way of knowing. If I go overboard, I feel like I'll probably be seen as annoying; if I slack on the contact, I'm sure I'll come across as not caring about the other person or the relationship. Lose-lose situation, pretty much. I've had almost no friendships with other females, mainly because I have little in common with other women.
A case in point: a girl I'd met in '08 at a now-former employer (via casual chatting here and there, we'd discovered that we'd both been g0ths, liked similar music, etc.) seemed to want to be my friend. I thought that was cool, and was flattered in a way, because most people don't bother with me at all, or only do so in an impersonal, cursory, or hateful manner.
This girl and I had a couple of meals together, and saw a couple of "girly" movies together as well, since her husband had no interest in either movie and had refused to accompany her. Well, I learned pretty quickly that she has a serious drinking problem, and that her husband is abusive (mentally and physically). I could only try to be sympathetic when she'd regale me with her tales of woe, because I couldn't relate to her problems, and I have a difficult time putting myself in another's shoes, as it were. I explained to her that I have severe social deficits, and that I tend to "lose" people over time/along the way - and that she mustn't take personally any seeming neglect on my part.
This girl's also a member of the gym where I work. Fast-forward to this summer; I hadn't seen her for months because of my wonky work schedule and because of a film training program I'd attended. I had a weird feeling that something was amiss, though. I texted her at the beginning of September to find out how she was doing, only to learn that she'd crashed her car whilst drunk, and that her husband's abuse had increased as a result. I asked her how I could help - to which she replied that she needed "a friend, not a mom." 
I haven't heard from her since. I feel like I've failed her as a friend...that a "normal" female would've known the "right" things to do or say. I tend to forget about people when I don't see them regularly (even my own brother!) - it's not out of any hatred or animosity toward them, it's that I've got so much crap in my head that there's no room for other people unless they're in my day-to-day life and I interact with them regularly. I hope the girl in question's ok, and that she's getting help (she'd been seeing a therapist)...but I really don't feel like I should contact her again. I dunno what I'd say, and I have no idea if she considers me to be a friend anymore, or if she wants me in her life at all.
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.all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. |
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Apple_in_my_Eye
Phoenix
Joined: May 08, 2008
Age: 41
Posts: 633
Location: Youessae, on the Pacific side
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| Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 5:08 pm Post subject: |
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| SINsister wrote: | | I texted her at the beginning of September to find out how she was doing, only to learn that she'd crashed her car whilst drunk, and that her husband's abuse had increased as a result. I asked her how I could help - to which she replied that she needed "a friend, not a mom." |
Just a quick thought -- and not that I know hardly anything about friendships either, but it sounds like she was pushing you away. I mean, there might not have been anything you (or anybody) could've said that would've been 'right.'
I.e. maybe things were going bad in her life, but she knew on some level that she bore some responsibility (or was ashamed?), and was pushing people away because she was afraid that they'd tell her that. (common with domestic abuse, maybe??)
Worrying about having messed up with people still really sucks, tho.  |
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immanuel
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Oct 07, 2007
Posts: 30
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| Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 6:46 pm Post subject: Re: Giving up on friendships |
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| Sati wrote: | | Have you give up on friendships? Either your current ones, or attempts to make new ones? I'm trying so hard and nothing is coming over it. I feel like giving up. |
I too am trying hard, and also feel like giving up. But the way I see it, I can make a painful effort now, and nothing may come of it, but I may as well try. One thing I would say is try and not let perceived mistakes you may make in trying to make friends weigh too heavily on you. It's almost inevitable (at least if you're me) that by putting yourself out of your comfort zone some bad things will happen. But think of it as making small progress on a difficult task, rather than "oh it's the end of the world I must retreat back into myself".
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http://reallynotnuttin.blogspot.com/ |
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sleecin
Emu Egg
Joined: Nov 04, 2009
Age: 27
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 7:09 pm Post subject: |
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I give up on friendships couse I can not see the point of them . I mean. I have very high thought of what is considered a friendship and also I have a problem with the everyday stuff part of a friendship. To maintain that is killing me. So I often just stop the friendship after a while.
The ones I do have a friendship with that works is other aspies couse they are more logical and say things clearly . Gives me less anexity . its just works better. |
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xalepax
Random Videomaker
Joined: Feb 25, 2009
Posts: 1502
Location: YouTube
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 7:18 pm Post subject: Re: Giving up on friendships |
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| Sati wrote: | | Have you give up on friendships? Either your current ones, or attempts to make new ones? I'm trying so hard and nothing is coming over it. I feel like giving up. |
Yes same with me. It hurts less when I dont keep trying and just accept things the way it is but I can still dream about it and miss it sometimes...
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I am female and 35, these are My words: *be yourself and try your best*
I would like to be your YouTube friend, do you want to be mine....?
http://www.youtube.com/xalepax
*videouploading is freezed at the moment*
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SamwiseGamgee
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 19, 2009
Age: 22
Posts: 305
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 7:50 pm Post subject: |
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| I didn't want to give up on friendships but when I did I became a lot happier in general. It relieved some of the biggest stressors in my life. Stressing over how I was being perceived, stressing over how often to contact someone when they weren't really responding to me, stressing over wondering if they might actually call me this weekend to do something. The list goes on and it's all gone now. I do sometimes miss my old friends but they clearly don't miss me because I never hear from any of them. Occasionally I'll try and contact them but if nothing comes of it then I try to just let it go and move on. |
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gramirez
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 10, 2008
Posts: 1019
Location: Illinois
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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I have many times, because 99% of the time, they are never beneficial for me. Who needs people...
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-Gil |
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elderwanda
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 18, 2008
Age: 42
Posts: 1049
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:28 pm Post subject: Re: Giving up on friendships |
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| Sati wrote: | | Have you give up on friendships? Either your current ones, or attempts to make new ones? I'm trying so hard and nothing is coming over it. I feel like giving up. |
One of my favorite movies is "Snow Cake", where Sigourney Weaver plays an autistic woman. A man, played by Alan Rickman, is a visitor in her house for a few days, and in one scene, she tries to change the frames of his glasses to make him look less "shifty" so people will like him better. She says, "I know how you neurotypical people are obsessed with having friends. I'm just trying to help you get some."
He says, "In my experience, friends are overrated."
Well, in my experience also, friends are overrated.
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"Heck, it's just a huge, strange, magical universe hidden beneath a fish and chips shop, anyway." --my son, age 11. |
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24shaz
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: May 26, 2008
Posts: 36
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| Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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| SamwiseGamgee wrote: | | I didn't want to give up on friendships but when I did I became a lot happier in general. It relieved some of the biggest stressors in my life. Stressing over how I was being perceived, stressing over how often to contact someone when they weren't really responding to me, stressing over wondering if they might actually call me this weekend to do something. The list goes on and it's all gone now. I do sometimes miss my old friends but they clearly don't miss me because I never hear from any of them. Occasionally I'll try and contact them but if nothing comes of it then I try to just let it go and move on. |
Yeah, this. I lost a lot of people that I cared about and it does hurt sometimes, but my opinion is - if you're the sort of person who is made ill by friendships, if you're the sort of person who needs to maintain a facade to socialise and then needs to shutdown for days on end to recover, or if you're the sort of person who is constantly having their existence invalidated by people who just don't [can't] understand you or your behaviours, then you're better off alone. |
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Amajanshi
Raven
Joined: Apr 02, 2009
Age: 20
Posts: 101
Location: Melbourne, Australia
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| Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 2:42 am Post subject: |
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I've gradually drifted apart from a lot of people, including the really close ones.
I feel bad at the start, but with time, I think less about it and get on with Uni and my special interests.
They don't try to contact me but I occasionally say "hi how have you been" etc to them on Facebook or by email.
If they don't want to respond, then that's their problem, not mine.
I've already made some effort.
I don't really want to make any more friends at Uni apart from the few that I already have coz I know I'll have trouble maintaining contact with them later on. I know my limits. |
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HowlingMad1992
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 12, 2008
Posts: 398
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| Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 1:10 pm Post subject: |
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| I've recently given up on one, I just don't feel as if I fit in with that person anymore. |
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