There is something awkward about this, but it appears that you are supposed to introduce yourself on this portion of the site. I don't know how I, a person who can't really explain herself, am going to manage to explain myself to a group of well-intentioned people who likely also have difficulty understanding themselves and other people, but it should be interesting.
Hi. I'm a 26-year-old woman who has always just been "different". I have always been awkward around other people, particularly peers. Most people speak what sounds like a foreign language to me. I know they are communicating with one another and making sense somehow, I have just failed to pick up on HOW they do it. I have some friends who translate for me sometimes, which is nice, but all their good intentions will not teach me how to get along in the world. I think I tend to talk at people. I walk up to them and say something and I get a look that even I can pick up on, which must mean that it's really obvious.
I have always been hypersensitive to most sensory things (clothing, air, touch, shoes, colors, sound... the list goes on) and yet hyposensitive to other things, like spinning, swinging and moving quickly. I played with my hands a lot as a child, and was always rocking and moving around. My favorite things to do included riding my ride around (and around) the driveway, running around the main floor of my house (the rooms all touched with a wall in the middle, making a perfect track), rocking back and forth on the ground and swinging (while humming... of course). I still do a lot of things like that.
I will wear the same clothes for days at a time (there's comfort in the familiarity) and eat the same thing for breakfast each day of the week. I don't like it when people come to visit and upset my routine. I don't like people coming early or leaving late. I have to sit in the same seat every day in class (I'm a career student). I am fixated on learning as much as I can about everything and correct people about facts. I do not like it when people use facts in an untrue manner. I do not understand a lot of figurative language. Just last night I asked a friend to define what "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" meant, and I'm still confused as to what it means. I don't like birds. Why would someone want them? I am also fixated on sonograms (that might be a new one, even around here), neurodevelopmental disorders as a whole, dog breeds, the Chicago Cubs, and the television show "Bones".
I have described my way of viewing the world as being "Windows-based". I have a mental Desktop with a bunch of icons. I click on an icon and get an image of what is being discussed... or what I think is being discussed. I have read that thinking in images is common among people who are AS. Yet I have difficulty walking down the stairs without tripping over my own two feet and can never seem to button or snap coats correctly. There must be a difference between being "visual" and being "visual-spacial".
I have been diagnosed with ADHD (combined type), generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder (type 1). The last two of these diagnoses are annoying to me because they are redundant-- Bipolar Type 1 means that you've had at least one major depressive episode, therefore the MDD diagnosis is redundant. I don't like it when people are unaware of the facts. I have not been formally diagnosed with AS.
The first time I thought that I was misdiagnosed was when I worked as a Speech Implementor for the summer at the middle school in the town where I live. I was playing a game of figurative language with a student who is AS and he beat me within the first four rounds, 4-0.
Recently I have been prompted to research more on AS. It has been a dead horse on the dining room table (a figure of speech I understand) for quite some time. I took the aspie-quiz and scored 180 out of 200. I am terrified to go to the shrink and seek a diagnosis, even though I know it's the truth. I think I'm a little bit ashamed. I mean, if you tell someone you're ADHD he or she might make a comment about Ritalin or ask if you are distracted by shiny things (which I am), but it's not as highly stigmatized as autism as a whole is right now. And even though I know I'm different, and I know this is right (this is something about me I really know!), I am terrified to be seen as less than human. I have been blessed to work with severely autistic children in the past, and other people always treated "my" kids like they were robots or something to throw away. I spoke up for them and was ignored. I can speak for myself (even though it's hard and I really don't want to most of the time) and don't need somebody else to speak for me.
I have monologued long enough. I am sorry that whoever might still be reading this has had to read all this. I'm just not good at keeping things short. Does anyone have advice about getting formally diagnosed versus not doing so? Having another label won't change who I am, and it would be the truth (which I love), but is it worth it?
Laney
28 Oct 2009, 8:45 pm
