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Tine
Emu Egg
Joined: Oct 23, 2009
Posts: 5
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 Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 1:00 am Post subject: Happy lives for AS individuals? |
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| I have been lurking through all the threads recently and I've been feeling a little hopeless as a result. It seems that a lot of AS adults recall their childhood and lives as unhappy and nothing but a continuous struggle. What is it that's made you reflect so negatively about your life? Obviously, I know that peer interaction always seems to be the main obstacle, but how was your relationship with your family, your parents? Did your parents handle you or your issues in an undesirable way? If you could go back in time and tell your parents anything that could've made things easier or better for you, what would you say? I'm just hoping to learn what an individual with AS would need that I might be completely overlooking. I only have one shot at raising my son and I want to make it the most positive experience possible. Please give me some advice and help me learn from others' mistakes. |
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bonuspoints
Velociraptor
Joined: Aug 24, 2009
Posts: 466
Location: Washington state - *Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?*
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 1:53 am Post subject: |
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I don't know if this will help, but I thought it might be comforting to know. I am on the high-functioning area of the spectrum, so I may have been more able to cope than others, but what little I can recall of my childhood, I do so fondly.
I self-diagnosed a few years ago and am currently being tested by a psychologist for confirmation. As far as I know, my parents are unaware of my autistic nature. It is fairly easy to tell that I am not NT. I have my obvious "quirks", however the people in my family have generally always "marched to their own tune" so my being different wasn't looked upon negatively. My parents always encouraged me to pursue my interests and to put little importance on how others perceive me.
I think the most important thing is simply to be understanding and to encourage your child (and yourself) to embrace the positive of who they are.
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Those who cannot tell what they desire or expect, still sigh and struggle with indefinite thoughts and vast wishes. - Emerson
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. - Oscar Wilde |
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southwestforests
Phoenix
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Joined: Jul 19, 2009
Age: 46
Posts: 1138
Location: A little ways south of the river
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 1:57 am Post subject: Re: Happy lives for AS individuals? |
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| Tine wrote: | | What is it that's made you reflect so negatively about your life? |
Well, let's see...
My Parents told me I was . . .
wrong for wanting to do art
wrong for liking science fiction
wrong for not being interested in sports
wrong for liking so much to build models
wrong for not having more friends
wrong for being too excitable
wrong for being too quiet
wrong for liking the kind of music I did
wrong for not wanting to spend time with the family parked on my ass numbing my brain on the dammned television.
and so forth and so on
Just remembering those things all these years later creates an urge to put this coffee mug through the wall.
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"Every time you don't follow your inner guidance,
you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness."
- Shakti Gawain |
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buryuntime
oh comely
Joined: Dec 07, 2008
Posts: 1631
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 2:23 am Post subject: |
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i'm only happy if i'm alone in my room with my computer and interests and without interuptions and everything to be the same otherwise I'm stressed out which leads to eventual serious depression.  |
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LizzyLoo
Hummingbird
Joined: Oct 12, 2009
Posts: 19
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 3:24 am Post subject: |
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I am not an AS adult but my son and husband are AS. I think if there was any one thing you could do it would be to except your son for who he is and don't try to get him to do things because they are "normal" or because society says he should. Embrace him and all of his uniqueness.
Don't make him ride a bike if he hates it, let him wear his pants inside out if the material feels better like that, don't force him to socialise too often and make sure he has lots of quiet time just for him. Just let him be him.
That's just an opinion though, not an experts view  |
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crownarmourer
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: May 13, 2008
Age: 44
Posts: 52
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 3:48 am Post subject: Whatever you do. |
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| Do not treat your AS child any different from other children, I am self diagnosed and test fairly highly on the AS spectrum almost Autistic. However when I grew up AS did not exist from a clinical stand point. Just love your child and help them to develop the social skills needed to interact with others. Let them take the knocks of life and learn to grow, they will never be perfect but love them for who they are. they will need learn life skills it you shield them too much they can never learn to compensate and adapt. I have a wonderful daughter myself and hope I'm a good Father. I t helps to have parents that instilled in me a good work ethic an morals and how to deal with life see Piers Grandin, Autistic but very functional. |
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Aimless
O Fleshy And Ambitionless
Joined: Apr 02, 2009
Posts: 3393
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 7:36 am Post subject: |
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| My family was in many ways a safe haven for my "differences" but at the same time very stressful because of my father's unpredictable temper. |
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AnotherOne
Sea Gull
Joined: Jul 02, 2009
Age: 38
Posts: 210
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 8:41 am Post subject: |
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| interestingly, my NT mother was bigger support than my AS father during my childhood but this has nothing to do with his ASness more with the fact that he was unhappy with himself. And that is the major thing that i learned: make a peace with yourself, know what you can and want to do (and what not) and concentrate on the good part. |
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Aimless
O Fleshy And Ambitionless
Joined: Apr 02, 2009
Posts: 3393
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 8:53 am Post subject: |
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| AnotherOne wrote: | | interestingly, my NT mother was bigger support than my AS father during my childhood but this has nothing to do with his ASness more with the fact that he was unhappy with himself. And that is the major thing that i learned: make a peace with yourself, know what you can and want to do (and what not) and concentrate on the good part. |
I agree. I'm a miserable failure according to the standards of society but I am fairly content with my life. I have roof over my head and clothes on my back and food in my belly. I have someone I love close by (my son). I have little need or desire for an active social life and have a good relationship with my siblings, who I get to see rarely. As long as I have access to new information I am never bored. I know trying to live up to alpha standards would do me in so I don't worry about it anymore. My father who was AS-ish if not full on AS was the more supportive. He wasn't in a rage all the time. |
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DW_a_mom
Ignoring the To-Do List
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Posts: 3928
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 3:54 pm Post subject: |
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When you read through all those adults posts, you see a pattern, in my opinion. Those who feel accepted by others and comfortable in their own skin are happy; those who have had a lifetime of being told they should be something other than who they are, or who have co-morbid depression, are not. We have the option and obligation of accepting our kids as they are. That doesn't mean we don't help them overcome weaknesses that we know will get in the way of them living the lives they want, but it does mean that more than any other parent we have to take care not to press our visions and needs onto our kids. If we do that, and if our communities are positive environments as well, our kids should grow up happy. Unless there is co-morbid depression, but that is medical, not something in our control.
Lots of our kids, those of parents posting here, are thriving. I'm encouraged. I don't think it has to be how it used to be.
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schleppenheimer
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 01, 2006
Posts: 1264
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:29 pm Post subject: |
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Tine, I am so glad that you started a thread about this subject, because it is something that I have been concerned about as an NT mom of two boys on the spectrum. I look forward to reading more posts from people on the spectrum, and their view of this.
My older son, who leaned more towards classical Asperger's, fought some depression as a child and young teenager, just trying to fit in with other kids and feeling like he didn't. That's interesting, in that, compared to many kids on the spectrum, he was able to do some sports, could joke around, and was generally able to mix fairly well -- but he STILL felt different for quite a while. After about the age of 16, though, he found "his people" at high school, and everything seemed to go smoothly. He is an extremely happy and confident person now. I'm sure that his father and I were hard on him, because we didn't know anything about Asperger's until he was 14 - we just didn't understand so many things about him. He is now very "obsessive" about his chosen career (urban planning), and I think now that's a good and beneficial thing.
My younger son, who is more high-functioning autism, is the single most happy and contented person I have ever met. He has some problems mixing with other kids -- more so than my other son, as he doesn't do any sports, doesn't really get jokes to a great degree yet, etc. -- BUT he has always had more friends. He doesn't seem to notice when he is being left out, which ends up being a good thing. He assumes everyone is his friend, and guess what --generally they are. The ONLY time this kid gets depressed is when he is under pressure from schoolwork. Even then, there may be lots of chaos at home as a result of missed homework, not understanding homework expectations, etc., and once the pressure is off, he's back to smiling all the time again. I don't know how he does it, I definitely don't understand it, but I love it. Easiest kid in the world.
There must be others out there like this, who are generally happy (as long as the outside world isn't too obnoxious!). |
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DW_a_mom
Ignoring the To-Do List
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Posts: 3928
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 7:41 pm Post subject: |
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| schleppenheimer wrote: |
There must be others out there like this, who are generally happy (as long as the outside world isn't too obnoxious!). |
That's my son, a happy disposition.
There was a time I could see it turning, however. He isn't immune to life beating him down. But, so far, we've caught it and fixed the problem before it's permanently changed him. Those times were enough for me to know it could happen, but not enough to make it happen.
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Simone-Blanchard
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 19, 2009
Posts: 26
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| Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 1:51 pm Post subject: |
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"I think the most important thing is simply to be understanding and to encourage your child (and yourself) to embrace the positive of who they are."
"Embrace him and all of his uniqueness."
Excellent advice. My parents were always great about this, thank goodness. I hope to instill the same in my kiddos. I think feeling unconditional love gives kids a real safe haven from all the things out of thier control. |
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Azharia
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 05, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 363
Location: Cork, Ireland
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 5:48 pm Post subject: |
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I am afraid I have no diagnosed kids yet, so maybe don't belong on this forum, but I CAN help with this question.
I am 26, female, and an aspie. I am happily married, and have a baby, and another on the way. I love my life now. I really do. I do get stressed a lot, but I think half the world has stress issues, and it's hardly unmanageable. I wouldn't do a THing to change my life. (Except maybe have a nice house in the country...  )
As for my childhood? Interactions with other kids were hard. I felt excluded a lot, probably because I was so different. I hated when my parents pushed me to socialise, but now I wouldn't change that they did, as I would be a very different person without that experience.
School was hell for me, all the way up to college, but I can see why my parents forced me to go too, aside from the legal requirement. I would suggest trying to be lenient with any aspie kids about things like homework and uniforms. Make it easier and less of a torment where possible.
As for my family? I adored them. They tried to understand me, with a lot of success, and even when they didn't they gave me unconditional love. If the kids at school didn't like me, well my family did. If I wasn't fashionable? Well my family didn't care. If I had odd hobbies and interests? They didn't bat an eyelid.
Love your kids unconditionally. Help them learn skills they will need in the future, but love them without the skills. |
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DW_a_mom
Ignoring the To-Do List
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Posts: 3928
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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| Azharia wrote: | | I am afraid I have no diagnosed kids yet, so maybe don't belong on this forum, but I CAN help with this question. |
You belong here
While most posters are parents of AS children, we also have parents who are AS, who need to ask about the unique issues that brings to parenting. This forum is intended for both, and ANYONE who can bring insight to a conversation is ALWAYS appreciated, even if they are "none of the above."
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