so, my grandma just died...

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and i feel worse about the fact that i DON'T feel that bad about it. i feel like i should be distraught since she was relatively close to the family, and i feel sort of bad, but i don't feel as bad as i should. is this because of my lack of empathy because of AS? has anyone been in this situation?

Sometimes the grief doesn't set in right away. It's called denial. This happens to NTs, too.

I'm sorry about your grandmother...

really? well, we'll see...

i never had much of an emotional to attachment to my grandparents however, very little emotional attachment to my parents and virtually none for the rest of my family. but i was never that sure how i would react if one of them died, or something.

and thank you.

Your reaction might be delayed. I once went through a very traumatic event and had no feelings about it for about 2-3 months after. Then suddenly it all came out in lots of many different ways.

Although, I have read before (possibly on wp) that some people with ASD arn't as affected by grief as NT's. But maybe they are just as affected, but are showing it differently?

Death is never an easy thing to deal with. I just let it out, instead of bottling it up inside me and letting it all out in the future. But, everyone is different. My only advice would be listen to your gut instincts and follow them.

sorry to hear about your grandmother.

I had delayed grief when my grandmother died. first I was just angry that no one told me she had terminal cancer. but over the course of years I grieved and shed many tears because I missed her.

prism you will grieve in your own way, I was the same age as you when I lost
my grandma, all I can say is that you will notice the little things with her absence.

If you weren't close to her, I wouldn't feel too abnormal. I didn't really feel very sad when my grandmother died. I wasn't close with her, but I cried because my mother was sad and crying, and I'm really close with my mom. But I wasn't crying for my grandmother, I hardly knew her. I was crying for my mom and my uncles because they were really upset.

If you weren't close to her, I wouldn't feel too abnormal. I didn't really feel very sad when my grandmother died. I wasn't close with her, but I cried because my mother was sad and crying, and I'm really close with my mom. But I wasn't crying for my grandmother, I hardly knew her. I was crying for my mom and my uncles because they were really upset.

I've had people pass away that I have gotten very upset about... and others that just didn't effect me really. I guess I was kind of expecting it to happen, so when it did, it was no surprise.

I guess I work like that, too. I loved my grandfather and when he died I didn't cry. same with my dad, although I cried a lot for a few months randomly. I knew they were both going to go. my grandfather went in a good way, he was pretty tired and he lived 77 years longer than expected, and family was there. my dad died of cancer though and I was actually relieved that he was out of pain, but regretted not making more of the time I had with him because I realize now that he was an oddball like me and the one who always accepted me as I am.

I didn't grieve my grandma, I don't think I grieved my other one but I can't remember. I just wasn't close to them, one died when I was young and I was living abroad. The other lived abroad, she was reclusive also. I did meet them but didn't know them that well.

Well how frail was she? Could she still take care of herself? Or how close were you to her?

When my grandfather died, I was in shock. I didn't cry or have any effect about it. I don't think I cared. I knew he was going to die anyway and he was about to pass on but I wasn't expecting it to happen that one day. So I went to his service and not everyone was crying. I looked. I couldn't understand why people were crying about his death and why lot of them were sad. My mom sad everyone was. He couldn't do anything anymore, he was frail, could hardly walk and go to the bathroom, couldn't remember. He needed 24/7 care. So he was ready to pass on. We expect elderlies in that state to die naturally. I hardly saw him or even cared because he wasn't the grand dad I knew growing up. He started to disappear when I was in high school. He got weaker and his memory started to fade. Then by the time I was 19, he needed 24/7 care.

So look around you, do you see people crying over his death? If not, then it's maybe not your AS and what you are feeling is normal. You can also ask if everyone was sad and felt bad and how bad it was their feelings about it.

Last edited by Spokane_Girl on 05 Nov 2009, 9:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Don't feel as bad as you should? Just how bad should YOU feel? Not everyone becomes distraught over a loss like that, especially when the deceased is someone who's had a full life and lived to a ripe old age, or perhaps has been irrecoverably ill, in which case its sometimes considered a bit of a relief for both the victim of illness and the family.

Everybody copes with these losses differently. Sometimes they don't really begin to sink in until some time later. I have a hard time allowing myself to feel the grief of that sort of loss in the moment, because everyone around me is so sad and upset and I feel like I need to keep it together for their sakes, so someone can offer a dry shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes, much later (sometimes months or years) when I'm alone and doing something completely innocuous and unrelated, a memory of the passed will come to me in a particularly sentimental moment and it will touch me very deeply and I find myself missing and weeping for someone I hadn't thought about for ages.

You are who you are. Don't feel guilty for that. If you don't feel particularly grief stricken at the moment, just be supportive of those who are. That's all your Grandmother would expect of you.

I can relate. My grandfather died a few years back and I felt absolutely nothing. I felt that I should have, however. They lived close to us when I was growing up (they actually moved to the state we moved to just so they could be close to us) and were around constantly. I felt I should have had some reaction, but I didn't and still haven't. I'm not suppressing anything, so I am not in denial. My grandmother is still alive, but has advanced Alzheimers and I don't feel anything for her either. If my mother seemed upset or cried about either one of them, I am sure I would when around her.

exactly the same with me. My aunt died i March due to breast cancer and i felt nothing. my entire family was devestated (she was the oldest of the aunts and uncles from my dad's side of the family here and she was like a grandma to my cousisns and i). i still attended the funeral and such but the whole time i was just trying to stay awake. i also remember when she was in the hospital, my parents would always ask why i didnt go visit her and my reaction was always, why do i have to? i didnt really have anything to say and i didn't really see the point of it. I did go one time but she was sleeping so i couldn't help but think it was a waste of time. some of my family was there at the same time so i thought that i shouldnt leave right away cuz it might seem rude so i forced myself to sit around the waiting room and watch tv