Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 6:28 am Post subject: Asperger's and promiscuity
I'm wondering if i'm some kind of whore, because my number seems to be on the high side (around 10). i started around 19, and at that age was very foolish and naive with the opposite sex. i've always had self-esteem issues for as long as i can remember because of being made fun of so badly by my peers, and some verbal abuse at home. my number is higher than both of my two best female friends (both NT's). every census i read says that the average woman has had about 4 or 5 sex partners in her lifetime. my number is more than twice this. it seems i can't use aspergers as an excuse, since most aspie women seem (or claim) to be asexual, so are also unlikely to have had many sex partners. i've just discovered that i'm aspie recently, and have always had a sex drive. i guess what i'm asking is: is it normal for an aspie female who has a sex drive, and who has had trouble keeping relationships together, to have a number of sex partners higher than the supposed norm? because if not, i wonder what is wrong with me. my number makes me insecure. please help. _________________ Oscar wasn't a grouch... He was just an aspie.
When I was 26 I had had sex with 20 people, ( and I've had sex with another 14 or 15 people since ).
From age 18 to 29 I got drunk a lot, because it helped me socially, and I spent a lot of energy on a socially successful performance, ( without even realising that I did ), had studied painstakingly how to dress, the gestures and smiles etc that worked, was attractive, and used to go to bed with almost anyone who had the nerve to ask me, because I actually had almost no sex drive at all, and didn't know what sexual attraction, ( as opposed to attraction to someone's conversation/ideas etc ), felt like.
A supposed friend warned me at uni that if I wasn't careful I'd make a name for myself, but I realised long afterwards that she was jealous. I wasn't showing off, or "whoring", ( which is doing it for money ), but just doing what I thought I was supposed to do. And yes, it may have had something to do with the fact I went to bed with guys as soon as they wanted to, and relationships rarely lasted more than a few weeks, or even days, after that.
I have since discovered what sexual excitement and attraction feels like, and it has actually made me less inclined to go to bed with people. The last 11 years I've been to bed with only one person, and that was only for a year or so.
Am curious; do you find that you tend to ( first ) go to bed with people when you have been drinking or when completely sober?
though i do drink socially, i have never slept with someone because alcohol impaired my judgment. the majority of the guys i've slept with, was because i was turned on and felt chemistry and the potential for a relationship with them. when i first turned 19 though, i got off to a fast start, cuz i felt like i had to keep up with what i incorrectly assumed all the other girls were doing. and one time that year, i had sex because i feared the guy would get violent with me if i didn't. i've always had issues where i feel i've gotten too much attention from guys. guys seem to always be physically attracted to me, which seems to naturally lead to me being prone to a higher sexual count.
but no, alcohol's never swayed me towards sleeping with someone that i wouldn't sleep with if i were sober. most of the time, its because i'm attracted and feel a connection with the person, but then the relationship eventually ends, which gives me no choice but to eventually meet someone else and the cycle continues. i guess my judgement as far as choosing men may not be the best. _________________ Oscar wasn't a grouch... He was just an aspie.
Aspie woman tend to be extreme in anything... this also counts for liking sex. Wer either dislike it very much or LOVE it.
I'm the latter type too.
I love sex. I could't wait to have it and eagerly lost my virginity at 17. The guy I slept with didn't believe he was my first. That might have something to do with all the porn I've been watching since I was about 13 I know this sounds freaky, I guess I just have a lot of testosterone in my blood. Still I don't see myself as a slut or whore. 17 is not that weird an age for a first time.
I did some naughty stuff but I only slept with 2 more guys before I got married. We have been having sex every day for 4 years now and I still love it! I love play and sex is a great way of playing; does that make me a slut? I don't think so. My husband and I are both into experimenting so we do. Thank God we live in a liberal country!
Being seen as a slut is pretty much cultural, you sure would't be a slut around here n Holland but you would probably be killed for sluttiness in Afghanistan for example.
The only advice I can give you is: if you are ready to settle down; find a guy who has a similar sex drive! My ex wanted less sex than me and felt bad about that so he started calling me a slut to make mé feel bad. Different people have different sex drives and people don't always react good to 'different', they tend to see their own actions as 'good', or 'normal'. Don't let it get to you if someone judges you. They don't have all the answers and they sure don't know YOUR answers...
Joined: Aug 25, 2009 Age: 36 Posts: 1183 Location: The right side of my couch...
Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 9:00 am Post subject:
I am not sure how to respond, but I feel compelled to, so tolerate me, if you will, while I try to not be disjointed and incoherent. First, I have always had a high sex drive. I have slept with more than ten people. I did start young... like age fourteen young. It is not just you... most of the people I know have been with more than five people. Your statistics surprised me. My views on sex and sexuality are not conventional though... so I am having a difficult time trying to figure out how to say what I want to say because I am not sure if I fully understand where you are coming from. You mention self esteem issues... did you use sex as a way to feel better about yourself or as a way to keep a relationship or did you do it because you wanted to? There is a difference there and I think that is where people end up feeling odd about what they do or have done. I like sex. The people I have been with I was not with to feel better about me or to try to keep a relationship or whatever. I did it because some part of me clicked with some part of them and I wanted to be with them like that. I do not regret anyone I was with. Even relationships that ended badly... I learned from those, it helped me understand better what I want, do not want, like, do not like, expect from myself and from others. If you sleep with people for the right reasons, numbers are meaningless. Relationships do not always work out, and unless you happen to be one of those people who are saving yourself for marriage, the number count will go up as time goes on, that's how it goes. If you like sex and mesh well with your partners and there is mutual respect, then there is nothing wrong with that. If it leaves you feeling bad about yourself, then that is a concern... but in that case (and I could be wrong... I usually am) I would be inclined to see sex not as the problem, but rather a symptom of the problem. If this is causing you upset, it might be worth it to talk with someone to figure out how to come to terms with the underlying issues so you can have satisfying and good sexual relationships. If it is just feeling funny because of some numbers, do not worry about it. We live in a society full of double standards. If you were a man, this would not be an issue. In fact, you would be 'The Man'. The hypocrisy of it annoys me. I digress. Some people just like sex, and that is ok as long as you do it safely and for the right reasons. But again, if it is causing you upset, go talk to someone. Sex should be a good thing, not a bad thing. Sorry... I ramble on sometimes... Hope that helped or at least made sense... _________________ "...don't ask me why it's just the nature of my groove..."
You mention self esteem issues... did you use sex as a way to feel better about yourself or as a way to keep a relationship or did you do it because you wanted to?
With about half of them, i've had sex because i knew that they expected it. even if their mouths said otherwise, i felt the forcefulness in their body language, and the situation. even though i was somewhat aroused with some of the guys whom i felt obligated with, only a girl with self-esteem problems would have sex because it was expected of her. i guess i do have issues.
now my next question would be how do i get counseling. i don't have insurance, so i've always tried to just counsel myself. _________________ Oscar wasn't a grouch... He was just an aspie.
Joined: Aug 25, 2009 Age: 36 Posts: 1183 Location: The right side of my couch...
Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:26 pm Post subject:
I do not know where you are, or what your money situation is like... where I am, there are 'community based' mental help place where you can pay by donation. I have not had much luck with them, but that does not mean anything. I am sure there are good people out there... the trick is just finding them. I do not know. I usually do best taking alone time to dissect myself. I know me better than anyone, you know. If you ever feel the need to talk or want to bounce things off of someone, you can pm me anytime. I might not be so great with advice, but I can be a good sounding board, and sometimes writing things out is a great way to get perspective... for me it is anyway. Self reflection and self therapy can be hard... been there... done that... but it is good. And really, if you ever want to talk, just send a message. I know how to shut up and listen. _________________ "...don't ask me why it's just the nature of my groove..."
Joined: May 13, 2008 Posts: 6717 Location: Banned by Alex
Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:43 pm Post subject:
A male perspective; my apologies if it is undesired:
What generation or subsection of women are your statistics from? If we are talking about the 1930's, or if those reflect the experiences of a religion's members, then I could see that as accurate. Personally, as a male, the number of sexual partners I have had is probably around 20, at the age of 33. As I am married, I don't plan on having more. I know both men and women who have had sex with 50, 100 or more people over the course of their lives by the age of 30. I know a rarer few who have had 2 or fewer by that same age. Most fall into a range of 15 +/- 10 by the age of 30. A couple generations ago, those same numbers would have be only somewhat lower, yet much more socially taboo and unspoken.
M. _________________ My thanks to all the wonderful members here; I will miss the opportunity to continue to learn and work with you.
I don't think that it is necessarily the result of low self-esteem, (though a couple of women in my uni residential area suggested that it was, which was sooo reassuring, not ), but a specifically aspie thing, at least in my case. I went to bed with these guys because I liked them, found them appealing in some way, enjoyed their company in some way, and they wanted to go to bed with me, and I didn't know what sexual desire felt like, or rather, I thought that it felt, or started, like that.
And I had absolutely no idea what people did together in private, and had virtually no books or films to give me clearer/better ideas, only all the wrong ones, or ones so outside my experience that what happened in bed with these guys was almost mystifying. I didn't even have a template to copy, to measure my interest against and think, yes, that's what I feel and want. I just did what I thought a girl/woman was supposed to if she liked a male person.
Actually I'd say that I didn't start off with a low self-esteem, particularly, but I gradually got one, because the only guy I stayed with for more than a few weeks in my twenties, ( two and a half years, including three months of major repeated infidelity on my part, because sexual activity still meant so little to me that although I was aware of it being "wrong" it didn't seem to touch my relationship, before I managed to end it ), told me I was frigid over and over again, and insisted on doing it even after he had realised that I didn't actively want it, and I still thought that this was what people, couples, did!
It wasn't until I went to bed with a woman, because there "isn't" a template for that, so I wasn't trying to copy/follow/anticipate what she did in the same way I had with men, and I "got real", that I began to feel and understand something about sexual desire and satisfaction and intimacy. And for the first ever time I experienced jealousy too. That was an interesting shock.
If there was a self-esteem issue, it was that my aspie self poured so much effort and attention into trying to do what I had seen in books, films, and on the street, that I didn't/couldn't listen to my own desires ( and even then I didn't do it because I thought that *I* was inadequate; I did it thinking that *all* women did this ). I've since discovered that with the right guy, ( or woman ) in the right situation, I can really want sex, and since I began to have that experience, have been much more naturally selective about partners.
PS. I think that my own experience was a bit like in "Rebecca" ( by Daphne du Maurier ); I kept thinking that I was supposed to be "like Rebecca"; Rebecca being all the ideal(ised) women that I had come across in books and film etc.
I was in an LTR with an older guy from 16 to 22...cheated on him with a guy my own age (my best friend who I went to high school with)...once...so at 22, I was at 2 partners....
After I broke up with my LTR I moved out on my own, and the woman I rented a room from encouraged me to date...I dated this really strange guy for about 3 weeks (who was a drummer of a band my band had played with)...and fell in love with this co-worker who pursued me at my telemarketing job(a trained jazz drummer and the former drummer of a punk band that my band had played a show with once)..we dated for 3 months before he ditched me, but he wrecked my head for about 5 years...during that time, although I was majorly and irrationally fixated on him, I had one night stand with an effeminate German architect, i dated another guy who knew me from my band for a couple of weeks...and then dated a very slu*ty dyslexic NPD guy (another musician who knew me from my band..who played drums and other instruments)..for 9 months...then I had one one night stand with a drummer of a local band that my band had played with a few times.....then I dated my very awesome OCD roommate for 2 years(we were in a band together called the Vulgarians, and he was the drummer)...we remained really good friends, but we broke up partialy because the horrible guy I was fixated on had moved back to town..After we broke up..(maybe I was around 26 or 27...I went through my "slu*ty" phase...where I slept with people because I thought that's what people my age were supposed to do....I briefly dated the horrible guy I had been fixated on....and of course he ditched me shortly thereafter...
I had another one night stand with the same drummer I'd slept with once years before...I occasionally saw the dyslexic narcissist, one drunk(drummer)...aggressively pursued me a couple of times and the outcome was humiliating on both occasions....I eventually wound up in my little rooming house, and while I was there, I occasionally slept with my ex/roommate...but mostly we were just friends.....I had one brief fling with an acquaintance(friend of the slu*ty narcissist) I had met years before because he said I had nice teeth...(dumb reason to date someone)....I ended up in another band and I wound up dating the drummer of that band for 3 months...THEN I wound up back with the horrible guy I had fallen in love with at the age of 22 for several months (he was unfaithful throughout)...we broke up...he had to move to France to get away from me (he was going there anyway)....I was pursued by my boss, who is my current partner of 7 years...He broke up with me after 3 months...and we were broken up for about 3 months...during that time, I saw the slu*ty narcissist maybe once or twice...(he was fixated on me supposedly)...and I dated a friend of his for a week..funny left-handed guitar player...we got back together....but things were rocky...i was stressed out all the time....he was poly-minded and always snogging on different women...I ended up leaving him for his friend...another drummer/multi-instrumentalist/songwriter(horrible thing to do, I know)...I went away to another state for 6 months....he got me back...it was easy since i was homesick and depressed, and the guy I was with liked hacking into my e-mails and knocking over furniture...
My partner and I were back together for a few months before he started his lengthy affair with the girl he dated while I was gone....then well....I guess about a year later, we went poly...this was after he'd started cheating on me again (or never stopped)and went on vacation with his mistress to another state...I hooked up with my very good AS-ish friend....and we have been together for over a year and a half...