My Daughter and very likely husband has AS

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Ok - first off my 17 year old daughter was diagnosed with AS a year ago, my husband, her step father took an online test/quiz that indicated he was most likely AS as well. In comparing what he is like, his behaviors and sensory issues, I can agree he is also AS. However, he refuses to get a formal diagnosis - or even consider medication. Unfortunately, I am ready to run out the door and head for a divorce. Our marital relationship is pretty much non-existent as he is in his own computer/game world and when we do spend time together it is all about the videos he makes for his You Tube channel or the latest game he is playing.

I have read that marriages between an "aspie" and NT typically do not work out - or if they do they are very different. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Thanks for the taking the time! Peace Out!

First, there aren't medications to treat AS; there are only some that are used to treat symptoms or behaviors. Second, what good does a formal diagnosis do for your marriage? If the problems exist, they exist whether he is on the spectrum or not, yes? Are Aspie/NT marriages different? I think my wife and I would say yes (though we've only been married a short time, we've been close for almost a decade), but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. The question is whether both of you are willing to compromise, and whether you are willing to accept a relationship that might be very different than what you envisioned previously. That they don't work out is a combination of the inherent communication issues, differences in expectations, and in some few cases the result of misinformation promoted by other individuals who have a more personal than altruistic agenda. I can only suggest focusing on the issues at hand; if the methods suggested for those on the spectrum work to help the two of you, then use them. If you cannot save your marriage, then take care of yourself. Otherwise, I'm not sure what to say.


M.

Thanks M for your response. I did not mean to say that medication be used to treat AS but rather the symptoms or behaviors etc.
What happens when your spouse is not willing to use or even pursue any thing that might help the marriage? For example, counseling either couples or individual or reading about AS and ideas or suggestions that other couples have used or experienced. Typically, he comments that he is an "aspie" and that is why he does what he does but is unwilling or unable to go any further. I do appreciate what you shared with me and will continue to seek help. Peace Out.

Why is a diagnoses important?


My marriage is very different with my husband. He lets me do whatever I want and asks me if I want to do something. He leaves everything up to me. He often restrains himself from touching me and holding me. He always has to ask for a hug or a kiss.

Have you ever talked to him about how you feel and how exactly do you want to spend time with him?




Okay, that just sounds like he is using it as an excuse.

Appreciate the clarification, DM - it helps, and as I'm sure you've discovered... there is a tendency to take things in literal fashion.

There is a condition sometimes associated with the spectrum called alexithymia, which is "a state of deficiency in understanding, processing, or describing emotions"... this could be something to ask him to look at. He was willing to take the test initially, which shows that he is capable of that level of interest and self-examination. However, he seems to have taken that as a license for his behavior instead of a lens to understand it. At some level, I question if he realizes the consequences of his actions... I know that had been a problem for me in my early relationships. You may wish to change your approach to him as well - trying to communicate more directly, without passive-aggressive methods (not implying that you are - this is merely something that I observe from both men and women in relationships as part of the progressive deterioration in communication) but being clear and explicit:

What you are doing is hurting me, husband. It has left me in wondering whether I have a place in your life. I believe we need help to understand what is going on, and to decide how to move forward. This is something that I need, and that I will pursue -- with or without you. Please, join me so that we can help each other.

Important: Keep the distinction between "you are hurting me" and "what you are doing is hurting me" - this is essential, to differentiate between the action and the person.


M.

Whatever source you read this in was absolutely inaccurate. Probably that "I am Autism" video that my local ASAN group has been trying to squash. It claims that Autism will ensure that your marriage fails. The truth of the matter is that there is no statistical difference at all. It's an absolute made-up lie by a bunch of charlatans (not you, zero=true :)) who are after the money of parents of kids with Autism.

Required Reading:
http://lbnuke.com/2009/10/01/letter-in- ... -practice/

They're entitled to their opinions too, Vipera... even if we don't agree with them. I think the truth is that there are very unique challenges to an AS/NT relationship, and without understanding and accepting those beforehand there is a high incidence of disappointment, frustration and dissolution of marriage. With those characteristics, quirks and needs understood and shared, then there is no reason for an AS/NT relationship to have any greater rate of failure than AS/AS or NT/NT (I hate to use the terms so much, but I am working on the laptop and trying to be brief - ha!) would experience. There are some groups who appear to have an agenda to discourage those in AS/NT relationships, and even some individuals who promote the concept that those who are in a relationship with someone on the spectrum are entering abusive relationships, or that the partners themselves have a condition themselves as a result. Every situation is unique, and it takes two to make it work.


M.

makuranososhi well that describes my first year in an NT/Aspie relationship , you have no idea what happens when your NT wife asks you the words "tell me what your feeling" and all you can do is feel the emotion but lack a way of describing them, took me five years to learn to express myself that way, learning it by rote, by then it was too late the damage was done.

I can relate to that situation, albeit not with my wife - that experience came for me in earlier relationships. I am thankful that my wife hasn't borne the brunt of that experience, that she accepts there are times when I cannot articulate what is inside, and for her insights as a counselor (in school) that enable us to make progress in our relationship. And I would not consider myself to have alexithymia in any way, at least in a clinical sense - it just takes time for me to process, sequence and understand what all I am feeling, instead of reacting. I am sorry that it hurt your relationship; that is a high price to pay, yet the lessons learned can still apply in the future.


M.

Medication can only treat depression and/or/anxiety, the meds for both present as most common side effects in males erectile dysfunction, not likely to help reestablish a marital relationship. Otherwise medication is useless for AS.

Those who for the moment have relationships in which they are content and semi functional will argue differently, but it is difficult and taxing in the extreme for an Autistic to be psychologically responsible for the emotional well-being of another person. We have enough trouble determining our own place in the world.

Just from observation of comments here on WP (including my own which are certainly biased toward a specific bent), I think given the dynamic of male/female relationships in western society, its easier for a female Aspie to function within a traditional relationship than a male Aspie. Males in western society are held to expectations that are especially difficult for someone with AS to meet.

The executive dysfunction leaves us psychologically and emotionally near the level of an adolescent. Not to sound sexist, but even today, its easier for an AS female to cope in an AS/NT relationship than for a male AS to satisfy the expectations of a NT female. [If the term NT offends thee, pluck it out and substitute NA (non-autistic). ]

Nothing holds true across the board of course, but I do think my statements hold much validity in many cases.

It's easy to cry "That person just doesn't try to understand me!" But just how well have you attempted to understand that you're dealing with a brain disorder? If you were living with someone with Alzheimer's Disease would you expect the same standard? I'm not trying to equate the LEVEL of dysfunction, only the fact that under the circumstances you cannot expect what you consider 'normal' behavior or responses.

Smacking your Alzheimer's Grandma because she can't remember whether she had lunch today is non-productive. Resentment toward an autistic for not giving the emotional or social response you feel is appropriate is equally pointless.

What is the best way to communicate with an Aspie? I have realized that the most important and effective way to have a healthy relationship is communication - which I have always thought I was pretty good at expressing myself. However, I have fallen into a world in which my former means of communicating is null and void. For years, I would say to my husband can we just hang out, watch a tv show or have a cup of coffee = he would ask what for - he is usually tied to his computer or video game and felt that we could have our "time" together while he did his thing. I explained that is was important for me that we look at each in the face and talk and be with each. He told me that it is a waste of time and that he did not want to watch some stupid tv show that did not use your brain. Needless to say, I stopped asking him to do things with me that I enjoyed. If I wanted to hang with him and spend time with him it would have to be with whatever he wanted to do - either in a chat room, playing a video game or making a video with him.

We have been together for 4 1/2 years and I have asked for a divorce because I simply cannot seem to understand why he would not want to spend time with me as well as many other issues. I have been reading through the forums and it has helped educate me - I am at this point now where I have to think of my beautiful Aspie daughter who is graduating high school this year and the other teens in the house.

Does anyone have any ideas to help me learn the art of communicating effectively with my Aspie husband and daughter?

Thanks for your input! Peace Out

It has taken me years to learn to communicate with my husband. It's hard, but not impossible. Your husband has to be on board with this or it won't work, and AS is NOT an excuse. Things may be hard, but he can learn, and he has to be willing to meet in the middle. I can totally understand why he wouldn't want to have coffee and "talk", but there has to be something that you two can do together and you need to explore that. He also needs to be willing to take a hit and compromise. If he wants you to sit and play video games, then agree if he is willing to watch what you want to watch on TV this time. The answer to "what is the point in this?" is to "make you happy". He should be OK with that. There has to be give and take and you have to demand that, even if you are doing most of the giving....that said...None of this can happen without communication, and mutual respect and understanding.

My husband and I went to counceling to work on communication specifically. We learned a lot about how we communicate, what we are doing wrong and what we need to do, and worked very hard at it, and still do. I have learned that I need to talk to him at a time when he is receptive, that may not be the time YOU want to talk, but if you force a conversation it will be a waste of time and will only add to your frustration. You need to be blunt and to the point, without being judgemental. Tell him exactly what you want him to know in the simplest, shortest way possible, and don't throw too much at him at once or he may lose everything. Be prepared to have the same conversations over and over again until they sink in. My husband forgets entire conversations. It is so frustrating when we have a conversation, make a decision, and then when I follow through on what we agreed on he wants to know what I'm doing and why. Then we have that conversation all over again. We tend to talk on the phone because that is when he is more focused. If we are at home he's looking at the TV, walking around doing whatever. I never get his full attention. And, on a cell phone you cannot talk over each other so he can't interrupt, which he does a lot. I also repeat almost everything I say, which can be difficult too. All of these things need to be understood and accepted. Don't take this stuff personally or you are surely doomed.

The key is to understand what is really going on and learn to work around it. He has trouble expressing his emotions or putting them into words. My husband has that problem too, but when he is in the right mood, on the right day, he can at least give me something I can work with, and I have to fill in the blanks from that. I may operate on a lot of assumptions, but you get better at that the more you get to know him. Your husband probably has just as much trouble as you, but can't express it. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you, or your needs. He just needs to feel safe in his expression. If I, in any way, give my husband a tone or appear frustrated he shuts down. That is probably the hardest thing for me to control because it is frustrating, but he tries and it's not his fault. My AS son is the same way.

These relationships are not impossible, but it takes a lot of understanding and willingness to work through these on both sides. You may have to change the way you communicate also. I communication very differently with everyone else than I do with my husband and son. This is my life, and it's making me a better person. Change your expectations and experiment a little. Don't give up at the beginning of the road. Go down a new road and see what happens. You may be surprised.
Good Luck!! !

What I'm not hearing is common ground.

To a certain extent you can force yourself to do something you don't want for some one. But this might’s necessarily make you want to do it again.

Have you done something to meet half way? You have to serve each other's self interest. Not to be unromantic but that is exactly what relationships are.

Hang out and watching TV is your brain food, it isn't your husbands. Neither of you are right.

It might be that you got together because he thought someone social able would compensate for lack of sociability, and you wanted him for similar reasons.

The reality is some people of the spectrum need to be in a relationship with someone who is very independent.

Everyone else has already made the most key observations, so I am going to start with a question: what sort of activities did you do together when you were dating? There must have been, at one time, something that drew you together, and made you want to get married. Is it possible to return, in some way, at least activity wise, to that time, to give you something to share?

The different interests shouldn't be a deal killer. My husband (who is AS) and I (who may or may not be) have many different interests. But we also each enjoy our independence, so the fact that we do many things separately doesn't really bother us. The offset, however, is that we do find time to connect pretty much every day, in some small way. It could be 5 minutes, it could be a few hours; the length doesn't really matter. It is having time to connect that is important to both of us, and the relationship needs that.

Relationships can survive with all sorts of different levels of connectivenes. The issues isn't the amount, but the amount that each person needs. If your needs aren't in sync with his, that creates a problem. If he would be happy sharing nothing but bedtime, and you want several hours a day of togetherness that you enjoy, it is the difference that creates the issue. When you reach that point, you both have to ask what compromises you are each willing to make. What will he do to help meet your needs? What requests from you can be let go as not really being needs?

You do need to be blunt with him about what you need. Black and white, literal and precise. Then he needs to decide if he is willing to work to meet that need.

From what I've read, that is where I suggest you start. Identify your needs, and separate them from wants. Focus on the needs that you feel are not being met. Then sit down and talk with him about how those needs of yours can be met. You need to be flexible, and so does he.

My husband and I each have many "wants" that aren't being met, but we've gone out of our way to make sure that all the "needs" ARE met. It is that desire, to never fail to meet a need, that keeps the relationship together.

I tend to agree with this. I am very independent and I think that helps a LOT! His prior wife is really needy, and she was miserable. I on the other hand, am very happy with my choice of husband. I agree with what DW_A_Mom says also. You can connect in many different ways, big and small. You can also find common ground you never new you had that can bring you together. This is why I say explore your interests. Try something that both of you have never done before. It can be enjoyable for you, and mentally stimulating for your husband and very bonding.

Try to look outside of what interests you now. My husband and I are very different in our interests. Over the years we have found things that we didn't do before we met, but now enjoy together like Camping and SCUBA diving. They have now become something we both highly enjoy and share. That is what I mean by exploring your interests. The SCUBA thing took a lot of persuasion, and some reverse psychology, but he is now more into it than I am. You never know what you will discover in yourselves.