"True love" or Aspie affinity?

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-Advance warning for guys-: If you doubt you could sit through 5 minutes of a Hugh Grant movie, I suggest you skip this thread and move on to something else. It's drama time.


Let me start by re-stating my introduction. I've never been diagnosed with Asperger's. However, the possibility has been brought to my attention by a qualified psychologist whom I have known since childhood, and my own research seems to support it very strongly. There are a few people in my life I've been able to relate to on a far deeper level than everyone else, and I hope that by finding the reason behind this I can meet more people like that.

Now the story: A couple years ago I met this girl, and right away I just got a feeling there was something different about her. A few weeks later I finally got the opportunity to just hang out and talk to her 1-on-1 and after a while I somehow found the courage to ask her out (I think it's worth noting that I mess up this part about 99% of the time). At first it was like living in a chick flick and at some point I started wondering if she could be "the one", but due to circumstances beyond both of our control she instead became "the one who got away".

Since then, I went on a few dates that clearly weren't a good match, but there was one that seemed perfect in every tangible way. Smart, beautiful, interesting... everything I thought I was looking for, and yet something just didn't feel right. It was as though somehow we were successfully communicating by pure chance, without really understanding each other at all.

In the following week, I started thinking about my ex again. I'm embarassed to admit this because it violates my personal sense of ethics and respect for privacy, but I googled her. I was just hoping to find something to show that she'd moved on with her life better than I had, and that did seem to be the case. But I also noticed that she had been contributing to a few websites and publications about ASD, and suddenly my own suspicions of Asperger's came back, along with my memory of having learned from multiple sources that people of the same psychiatric... let's say double-edged sword, tend to have a natural affitiny to each other.

It makes sense to me then that what I've explained in romantic terms, maybe having watched one too many cheesy movies, could simply be the Asperger's equivalent of "gaydar". Unpoetic as this seems, it would give me a far better chance of experiencing true love again than the "one true love" Hollywood system. But what do you who have read this whole melodramatic rant (both of you) make of this situation? Do either of you have a similar experience you can share that might relate? In all sincerity, thank you for hearing me out on this, and I would be very appreciative of any comments either to parallel what I'm saying or flip it upside down and make me see this in an entirely different light.

I, for one, can totally relate to your story, especially the part about having the Aspie equivalent of a "gaydar." I was diagnosed in 2007. Asperger's became my new obsession. I read everything I could find, and whenever a movie with an Aspie theme came out, I watched it. Slowly but surely, I began to develop this Aspie radar.

I started to notice people on the spectrum, in supermarkets, at libraries, etc. I realized that when it was a male Aspie, I was almost immediately attracted, and it felt oddly different than when I was attracted to NT males. Almost like a recognition. I discovered a local support group for Aspies, and when I attended, I found myself in a room of no less than 6 males on the spectrum. Even better, some of them were my age, or older! So, while it is true that Aspie females are greatly outnumbered by Aspie males, the odds of having a group of AS males in my immediate vicinity to choose from, was a heady experience, at least for me. Usually I was communicating with them on line, and they were always very far away.

I am now dating an Aspie, and we have so much in common that it is truly amazing. We seem able to communicate without speaking, most of the time, and while I have trouble reading non verbal cues with NTs, I have next to no trouble with my S.O. But,having said all this, there is no guarantee that just because someone is on the spectrum, they will be compatible with another spectrumite.

Good topic, by the way!

I've realized all of the people I've been very close with have either a lot of OCD traits or a lot of ASD traits (both of which, I have been diagnosed with) . Sometimes they have both but I don't think any of those people would qualify for a diagnosis. Then again, a lot of people thought I would never qualify for a diagnosis, but then I did.

My opinion? Limerence feels a hell of a lot like love, and at times it can be impossible to differentiate the two. The difference is how people handle things once they're together. Love doesn't have the selfish nature which destroys half of all marriages. It's about seeking stability on both ends, and constantly finding new ways to make each other happy.

It's about guys who hold their wife's purse in the lobby as she visits with the doctor, and couples which make tough choices in the interest of long-term stability. They're the ones who have a legitimate claim to love. The rest of us can only claim Limerence.

Most people never find their 'one true love'. They experience Limerence many times, get married, have kids, get divorced. The old people, together for the past fifty years, still affectionate, still together, they're the ones who found true love.

Edit: But yes, it helps to have that connection. It's important, and I don't think I could get close to someone without it.

Be careful. You sound like you are living in your own world. I know, because I've done it before. Autistics have a tendency to live inside themselves. Ask yourself this, do you like her more from what you imagine her to be, or from what she has shown you about herself? Sure there is a chance it can be fate bringing you together and you connect on a spiritual/imaginary realm. If you believe that then you will be sucked into a possible delusion/possibly the most profound love of your life. Look into the anima/animus.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anima_%28Jung%29

I know this is gonna sound odd but I feel attracted to NT guys who are androgynous (girly-looking) and since I'm a astrology buff, the most guys I fall hard for seem to be born under (or the sign I seem to relate to the most) the sign Virgo. Now when I was a kid, i admit I had a childhood crush on Michael Jackson (androgynous looking thanks to so much plastic surgery) but now, I fell in love with the lead singer of my favorite German rock band, Tokio Hotel Bill Kaulitz (born androgynous, a metrosexual) I even "married" him over a "marry your favorite celebrity" site last year and I wear a fake diamond ring all the time to celebrate the occasion. (the "Anniversary" is next sunday, the 17th)
I think what attracted me to Bill was the fact that he's honest and like myself, he's (at least outside our cyber marriage) looking for true love. I also like that he likes children and can laugh at himself when someone puts him down. He makes me very happy.
And no I'm not crazy. I just want Bill to be happy and I know Bill would want to be happy too. Just by watching his interviews, he looks miserable.

I've got the aspiedar, that's for sure.

But I only know one guy IRL that I could identify as aspie (and when I asked he confirmed that yes indeed he was).