WrongPlanet.net
WP Members: > 80,000



Aspie Affection

New Today: 13
New Yesterday: 29

An Asperger's man and Borderline (BPD) woman 1, 2, 3  Next  
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Wrong Planet Autism Forum Index -> Love and Dating     
Salonfilosoof
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Dec 20, 2009
Posts: 1184

PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 9:22 am    Post subject: An Asperger's man and Borderline (BPD) woman Reply with quote

My last girlfriend was Borderline but we broke up recently and I was curious to see if anyone has some experience with Borderline women and could offer some tips on how someone with Asperger's and someone with BPD can communicate with one another on emotionally sensitive subjects in a meaningful fashion and what I could possibly do go win back her heart.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
HopeGrows
Nobody's Fool
Phoenix


Joined: Nov 06, 2009
Posts: 1565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.

PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 12:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have an ex sister-in-law who was diagnosed with BPD. She was an unstable, alcholic, sex addicted attention junkie who had no attachment to her own daughter. As hard as it may seem to believe, I didn't really dislike her, she was actually an interesting person. Unfortunately, she was completely incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship. Because Aspies tend to have issues with inflexibility in certain areas of their lives, I think it would be very difficult to maintain a relationship with someone with BPD. I'm sorry, I know that's not very helpful or hopeful....I just don't know how you'll be able to make a long-term relationship work.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
amazon_television
whatever feels good is good
Phoenix


Joined: Feb 18, 2009
Age: 31
Posts: 1541
Location: I woke up on 7th street

PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 1:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I dated a girl who isn't diagnosed borderline but she fits the description to a T and I'm 99% sure if she was tested she would be diagnosed. She's still a very close friend of mine and considers me to be her "soul mate" whatever that means. I don't really have any advice on communication, as this for two individuals is a much more complicated issue than "borderline vs asperger's", but in my experience, such a relationship in general certainly can work. It's not ideal though, much easier just being friends.
_________________
I know I made them a promise but those are just words, and words can get weird.
I think they made themselves perfectly clear.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Salonfilosoof
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Dec 20, 2009
Posts: 1184

PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 4:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

HopeGrows wrote:
I have an ex sister-in-law who was diagnosed with BPD. She was an unstable, alcholic, sex addicted attention junkie who had no attachment to her own daughter.


Luckily not all borderliners are THAT unstable, but they're nevertheless often an emotional mess.

HopeGrows wrote:
I just don't know how you'll be able to make a long-term relationship work.


It is most definitely quite a challenge.

amazon_television wrote:
I dated a girl who isn't diagnosed borderline but she fits the description to a T and I'm 99% sure if she was tested she would be diagnosed. She's still a very close friend of mine and considers me to be her "soul mate" whatever that means. I don't really have any advice on communication, as this for two individuals is a much more complicated issue than "borderline vs asperger's", but in my experience, such a relationship in general certainly can work. It's not ideal though, much easier just being friends.


For how long had you been a couple? Could you tell us why you guys broke up and if you ever tried to make it work a second time? I mean.... If she believes you are her soul mate, she would have definitely given it a second chance, right?!?! No?!?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
amazon_television
whatever feels good is good
Phoenix


Joined: Feb 18, 2009
Age: 31
Posts: 1541
Location: I woke up on 7th street

PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Salonfilosoof wrote:


amazon_television wrote:
I dated a girl who isn't diagnosed borderline but she fits the description to a T and I'm 99% sure if she was tested she would be diagnosed. She's still a very close friend of mine and considers me to be her "soul mate" whatever that means. I don't really have any advice on communication, as this for two individuals is a much more complicated issue than "borderline vs asperger's", but in my experience, such a relationship in general certainly can work. It's not ideal though, much easier just being friends.


For how long had you been a couple? Could you tell us why you guys broke up and if you ever tried to make it work a second time? I mean.... If she believes you are her soul mate, she would have definitely given it a second chance, right?!?! No?!?



We were together for a little over 2 years, we broke up pretty much because the transition to college and the changes that came along with it were just too much. "Making it work" is relative, if that's what I really wanted I could probably make it happen (although not right now, as we now live 2000 miles apart), but like I said before, it's easier and seems to work out better they way it is now. When we do see each other we more or less function as if we are "together" (and this doesn't necessarily require sex; although that does happen sometimes too, other times it does not), and when we are apart there is zero commitment. It's worked out in this manner for many years.
_________________
I know I made them a promise but those are just words, and words can get weird.
I think they made themselves perfectly clear.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Salonfilosoof
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Dec 20, 2009
Posts: 1184

PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

amazon_television wrote:
We were together for a little over 2 years


That's quite a long time for an Aspie. My longest is 6 years, but in that relationship we just kept postponing the inevitable. Strangly she and I are still friends and she actually came to visit me today and we chatted for a few hours on random topics.

amazon_television wrote:
we broke up pretty much because the transition to college and the changes that came along with it were just too much.


This reminds me of the reasons my second girlfriend and I broke up. In many ways she still was "the love of my life" until I met my last girlfriend.

amazon_television wrote:
When we do see each other we more or less function as if we are "together" (and this doesn't necessarily require sex; although that does happen sometimes too, other times it does not), and when we are apart there is zero commitment. It's worked out in this manner for many years.


I hope I can have at least that sort of relationship with my last girlfriend in the future. Borderliners do seem to get more out of a relationship the less strings they're attached to. They're complicated but fascinating beings Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Magnus
Happy Anarchy Day
Phoenix


Joined: Jul 25, 2008
Posts: 2703
Location: Claremont, California

PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I got a possible diagnosis for bipolar. My guess is that I am bipolar. I am in love with an aspie.

I'll tell you my take on it and you take it with a grain of salt.

I feel intensely. If he could take that with a grain of salt, then it could work. But, I suspect he takes everything too literally, too strongly. I am flighty. One minute, or day I'll feel like the world is crashing down. Then I realize how dumb my emotions are. Because he sees that it is silly, I love him. I think it's a great combo as long as both parties have a morbid sense of humor about life. Otherwise, she may strangle you or you may strangle her, don't take that literally. Hope that makes sense. Bipolar people tend to be very emotional, right brained...
_________________
As long as man continues to be the ruthless destroyer of lower living beings he will never know health or peace. For as long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other.

-Pythagoras
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
amazon_television
whatever feels good is good
Phoenix


Joined: Feb 18, 2009
Age: 31
Posts: 1541
Location: I woke up on 7th street

PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 2:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Spokane_Girl wrote:
amazon_television wrote:
I dated a girl who isn't diagnosed borderline but she fits the description to a T and I'm 99% sure if she was tested she would be diagnosed. She's still a very close friend of mine and considers me to be her "soul mate" whatever that means. I don't really have any advice on communication, as this for two individuals is a much more complicated issue than "borderline vs asperger's", but in my experience, such a relationship in general certainly can work. It's not ideal though, much easier just being friends.



A soul mate is someone you can spend the rest of your life with.


I know what a soul mate is, I just think it's a much more abstract concept than the way you put it (although that can be a part of it), and I meant I don't know for sure what her "perspective" is on the soul mate issue.

To me it has much more to do with a state of mind and connection that can't be shared with any other. "Spending the rest of your life" together is relative. Soulmate is "bound for life", as spending it together in the traditional sense simply does not always work out.
_________________
I know I made them a promise but those are just words, and words can get weird.
I think they made themselves perfectly clear.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Salonfilosoof
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Dec 20, 2009
Posts: 1184

PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 3:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Magnus wrote:
I am flighty. One minute, or day I'll feel like the world is crashing down. Then I realize how dumb my emotions are. Because he sees that it is silly, I love him. I think it's a great combo as long as both parties have a morbid sense of humor about life. Otherwise, she may strangle you or you may strangle her, don't take that literally. Hope that makes sense. Bipolar people tend to be very emotional, right brained...


This all sounds very familiar. Our first 4 months were more our less like that : we didn't take life too seriously and we just loved one another's ability to relativize everything. But after 4 months there were some minor frustrations that she kept bottling up which in turn made me frustrated until about a month later we reached a point where we could barely be in the same room without feeling uncomfortable about each other.

Last Saturday I went picking up my stuff at her place, though, and we both felt fairly comfortable around each other. We now arranged to meet as friends with "no strings attached" somewhere in January and to only speak one another on MSN once a week. I really do hope this helps getting us closer together again. I really love this girl....

amazon_television wrote:
To me it has much more to do with a state of mind and connection that can't be shared with any other. "Spending the rest of your life" together is relative. Soulmate is "bound for life", as spending it together in the traditional sense simply does not always work out.


I seem to have some sort of special connection with my last two exes but I wouldn't call either of them a "soul mate" (I'm not sure if any such thing exists). I would rather say we just feel comfortable around one another for both being outsiders in a chaotic hostile world and for not keeping any secrets for each other.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
CerebralDreamer
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Dec 23, 2008
Posts: 516

PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 2:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

From my experience, a lot of the women who fall for someone like me are bipolar or BPD. My guess is it has more to do with being an outlier of the population, and that we don't judge them half as quickly as most NTs. They see that we're different, and instantly expect it to be that way in nearly every aspect of our lives.

It's really both a curse and a blessing. If we adapt to it and accept it, we can live out happy lives in very quirky relationships. In fact, every girl who's gotten close to me had some form of depression, bipolar, or BPD. On some level, you could say I'm drawn to it. Emotionally, it makes me feel needed, and that's critical for me.

As for the curse part of it? They can be a bit more hectic than usual NTs, which was probably why they came to us in the first place. That doesn't change the fact that it can be worked with, and in truth, relationships only fail when someone says it has. As long as both people keep working on it, and don't give up, there's no reason for a relationship to fall apart.

Plus, if you do find a way to give them what they need in a relationship, in a way that sustains both of you, then you'll know loyalty most NTs could never even dream of.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Salonfilosoof
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Dec 20, 2009
Posts: 1184

PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

CerebralDreamer wrote:
From my experience, a lot of the women who fall for someone like me are bipolar or BPD. My guess is it has more to do with being an outlier of the population, and that we don't judge them half as quickly as most NTs. They see that we're different, and instantly expect it to be that way in nearly every aspect of our lives.


Interesting analysis.

CerebralDreamer wrote:
It's really both a curse and a blessing. If we adapt to it and accept it, we can live out happy lives in very quirky relationships. In fact, every girl who's gotten close to me had some form of depression, bipolar, or BPD. On some level, you could say I'm drawn to it. Emotionally, it makes me feel needed, and that's critical for me.


I never looked for that type of girl in particular. I just always ended up with one. In one case I even managed to stay together for 6 years, but considering we were just postponing the inevitable for more than half of that period that doesn't really count....

CerebralDreamer wrote:
As for the curse part of it? They can be a bit more hectic than usual NTs, which was probably why they came to us in the first place. That doesn't change the fact that it can be worked with, and in truth, relationships only fail when someone says it has. As long as both people keep working on it, and don't give up, there's no reason for a relationship to fall apart.


That's the problem in my case. I never seem to be able to find a girl willing to continue to work on it... They always give up after some time and it's still partly hazy why...

CerebralDreamer wrote:
Plus, if you do find a way to give them what they need in a relationship, in a way that sustains both of you, then you'll know loyalty most NTs could never even dream of.


That's what I hope to achieve with my ex, but to get there I must first let her fears pass and open up to the idea of being together again... because we do still love each other but our relationship just exploded due to poor communication and stress.... We both seem to have learnt a lot from it, though....
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
psych
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Nov 23, 2005
Age: 36
Posts: 2665
Location: w london

PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think whats usually labelled as 'bpd' is a complex, interwoven set of learned maladaptive traits (usually related to childhood abuse/adandonment issues). It shouldnt be likened to neurological disorder, however tempting - because its something that can be healed.

So, IMHO someone with 'bpd' (quote marks cos i hate using their labels) should really sort their psychological sh** out first, be given space to heal from the disorder and THEN start a relationship. Its kinder that way, they need space to find themselves & thats difficult within the emotional dependacies of an intense relationship.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Salonfilosoof
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Dec 20, 2009
Posts: 1184

PostPosted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 2:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

psych wrote:
I think whats usually labelled as 'bpd' is a complex, interwoven set of learned maladaptive traits (usually related to childhood abuse/adandonment issues). It shouldnt be likened to neurological disorder, however tempting - because its something that can be healed.


I'm not so sure BPD doesn't have its neurological aspects and is entirely curable....

psych wrote:
So, IMHO someone with 'bpd' (quote marks cos i hate using their labels) should really sort their psychological sh** out first, be given space to heal from the disorder and THEN start a relationship. Its kinder that way, they need space to find themselves & thats difficult within the emotional dependacies of an intense relationship.


But what if you're in love with someone with BPD? I can't just wait for 5 years until she's dealt with all of her issues....
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
amazon_television
whatever feels good is good
Phoenix


Joined: Feb 18, 2009
Age: 31
Posts: 1541
Location: I woke up on 7th street

PostPosted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 3:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wouldn't count on a borderline to ever "deal with their issues" in a way that's constructive enough to inspire a significant change. Accept the way she is and adapt to it, or just walk.
_________________
I know I made them a promise but those are just words, and words can get weird.
I think they made themselves perfectly clear.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Wrong Planet Autism Forum Index -> Love and Dating   
1, 2, 3  Next  

 
Read more Articles on Wrong Planet



Wrong Planet is a Registered Trademark.
Copyright 2004-2014, Wrong Planet, LLC and Alex Plank. Alex does public speaking for Autism.

Advertise on Wrong Planet

Alex Hotchalk / Glam 

Alex Plank  Aspie Affection 

Terms of Service - You must read this as a user of Wrong Planet | Privacy Policy

Subscribe: RSS Feed  Wrong Planet News  Wrong Planet Forums




fine art