should i tell my girlfriend i have aspergers?

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ive been going out with this girl for almost a month, we have our ups and downs but things are going really good. but i feel like i really want to tell her about my aspergers because it would help her to understand me better and why i act the way i do sometimes, but at the same time i dont want to tell her because this kind of information could definetly be used against me, i would really not want her to start talking to people about it, i dont want it to be widely known that i have aspergers syndrome. now i really dont know if she would do this to me or not but these are my worries at the moment.


im so confused and i dont know what to do! does anyone have any experience on this matter?

You should, definitely, it will help her understand you more in the long run. Good luck!

Well, you kinda have to word it right so as not to give the wrong impression. Not sure how you would go about it to tell the truth about your mentality. If she knows/understand some of your quirks (the aspects you have told her about like sensory issues, or inability to understand non-verbal language, etc), find some way to bring it up and prove that its what you have. Another idea would be to surf the net with her and just happen to come across some site that explains your end of the spectrum and see/mention how it could be you. In the end, its your call as to how to disclose this info and make sure she understands not to tell this to anyone without your permission.

You have to be completely truthful with her. If she's the right girl for you, she'll be understanding. If it puts her off, then you're better off without her.

In every relationship of course your going to have your ups and downs no matter who you are. Having a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend is normal and keeps the relationship healthy and strong. But I am glad to hear that things are going great now.

I definitely believe that you should tell your girlfriend that you have aspergers. I think that once you tell her, it may explain why you have acted the way you have recently or at times. It would make things more understandable.

Now, if you tell her and she starts to use it against you, as you're afraid of, then how is she showing you that she loves and cares for you? If you don't want her to talk to others about your aspergers, you need to tell her that. Now she will either respect your answer and not tell people, which she would show that she respects you and cares, or she could not respect your answer and tell people, which then would show that she's not at all a good girlfriend to you.

I know you may be afraid or confused to tell her and it's a risk. But in life sometimes you have to take risks. These would be one of those risks for you. If you tell her and she still accepts you and treats you the same, before she knew, she's a keeper. If you tell her and she may accept you still and you feel that she treats you differently in a bad way, you may need to talk to her about how you feel about the situation and if things still are rough, you deserve better!

I hope I helped you some what. And goodluck!

I like to ease into the subject. I'm sure people don't want a subject to come from nowhere ...

Yes, you should definitely tell her sooner, rather than later.

I don't understand relationships that have "ups and downs" in the first month. In my experience those are not the sort that are generally "built to last".

I dunno, if there are outside problems AND it's been such a short time, I wouldn't say anything--at best, it's possible that she'd just see it as you using it as a crutch (while not really having any understanding of it), and at worst, it would be a major stigma for her (a rough deal to be sure, but realistically it's the case for many people).

When you say "Asperger's" do you really think she can comprehend the scope of what that fundamentally means? The spectrum is so broad that whoever just hears that term and suddenly believes they can understand where you're coming from is wildly ignorant. I personally would break it down to the pertinent issues, and address those specifically; and not assign some kind of "label" to it, as that may cloud the big picture.

I think amazon here has some good points.

I think it depends a little on your and your girl's maturity. If you're 15 and in a school situation, I'm not sure it would be an unconditionally good thing to disclose a diagnosis label right away. But do share that you have some problems taking social ques (as if she hasn't noticed that in a month . If she responds in a supportive and cooperative fashion to that, perhaps it's a good idea to disclose the rest, as well as your qualms about sharing it. If you're lucky, this will even deepen your relationship. Also point out somewhere in there that you're the same person now that she's been dating the last month.

If you're like in the twenties and are looking for a partner, I'd say it's a must to share it. Before you get problems because of the social handicap, but after she's gotten to know you a little. After all, it's an aspect of your personality, not your definition.

The way I go about telling friends about this aspect of me, is first to pull their attention to an example of my behaving different (works best if it's in a humorus tone about a blunder they've seen me do .

In response to comments on this, I eventually give a (short) explanation of what (did not) happen (normally it's about me not taking social ques... I usually have an idea what happened in retrospect when I've had time to analyze the situation).

If they're interested, they ask a little by this point, and I get to tell a little about what doesn't come naturally to me, what does (don't forget to mention a positive side , and how it affects me. When this is done, I can put the label "Asperger" on it.

This way has worked quite well for me. The two times I did it the other way around (label first), I invariably had to fight preconceived notions and discuss Rainman before any understanding took place.


Hope your relationship works out

//pergh

I don't tell anyone I'm HFA. But if I was in a relationship and I knew the other person loved me, then I'd tell them. Unfortunately I didn't know about my diagnosis when I was married (my husband died.) Might have helped him understand my meltdowns if he'd known!

Other than that... my first husband was aspie. If we'd known about our respective diagnoses when we got married, we'd probably still be together. (But then I'd never have met the love of my life, so that's okay.)

My advice would be, if you're serious about this relationship, and you trust her not to blurt it round campus, tell her. But don't tell her like it's a bad thing. My son and I today were visiting the paediatric department (he's aspie) and the doctor said to him, "don't see it as a defect, it's a difference. You're a very intelligent, focused, brilliant boy. Having aspergers is difficult, because the rest of the world is wired differently, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. Just be glad you understand a bit more how you work."

That's good advice. Your aspergers will give you an outlook on the world that is unique, and your girlfriend might well enjoy the fact that she's cared for by someone who can focus on her uniquely, and see her as nobody else does.

I'd tell her that.

Give it some time until you feel ready to talk about it. Telling her that you have Asperger's is a very personal thing and might affect the way she perceives you, either in a positive or a negative way. It should help her adjust her behavior towards her deficiencies and make your relationship easier, but she might as well get turned off by it and lose interest in you because of it. It can go either way, but eventually you should definitely tell her.

I agree with a lot of what's been said. Just make sure you don't portray it as some horrible thing. She should understand that the label "asperger's" doesn't make you different than you are. It just explains a couple of quirks.
Good Luck.

If things are going fine, I really don't see the need to bring it up. Afterall, it's just a label.

If aspergers traits caused a problem in your relationship then maybe.

i just want everyone that took interest in this thread to know that i told her about it last night and it went very well, i feel so much closer to this girl now, i feel we really have a bond and its just the best feeling ever im so happy to finally tell her and get this off my chest, she understands me a whole lot better now.

yes, you should Weepingcloud

I dont get why people have to hide the fact they have AS : /
i think you should tell her, if she leaves cause of that, it simply proofs she's not worth it as she dosnt accept you for who you are.