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Question for the Aspie males that want girlfriends. 1, 2, 3 ... 16, 17, 18  Next  
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therange
Phoenix
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Age: 30
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 9:09 pm    Post subject: Question for the Aspie males that want girlfriends. Reply with quote

What exactly is it that a woman would solve in your life? If you're socially inept, aren't very interesting (to the NT crowd, i.e. the women you want) and are untreated for depression, what exactly is a woman going to do to make things better? If anything, she'll judge you more than your worst enemy, and dump you sooner than later.

What I'm saying is, all of the guys on here who complain about not having a girlfriend are breaking the number one dating rule...neediness. Women will sense that you'll do anything to impress or keep her, and she'll be scared off and leave. So basically, you're just wasting time thinking about getting a girlfriend. You can take the route some guys take on here and get an internet girlfriend and maybe meet up with her...if she doesn't live close, take a plane or train and meet her and maybe she'll like you for your current depressed self, but really, women want guys who are interesting and aren't negative and have a bad opinion of the opposite sex. Women want guys who can carry a conversation and have interests other than video games and science fiction.

My point being that you're wasting precious time hating the opposite sex and the world instead of improving your life.
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Descartes30
Toucan
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 9:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No woman can speak for what every woman wants. And that a young male seems to think he can, it's quite ridiculous. Can some men on here do things to help themselves get out there more as a prospective mate? Sure, I can agree with that. But changing who they are in order to fool someone into being with them, that's a recipe for a short relationship and/or a terrible breakup. And not all males on here are untreated for their depression, at least some definitely are treated via therapy and/or medication. Strangely enough, some women actually like those emotional and introverted and shy men. We see those men post on these boards and vent their frustration about their falures, but no one can know much about them until they have walked a mile in their shoes.

But, I will answer your question, nevertheless, as it applies to me. I am quite satisfied with my life, and I'm not normally depressed, and even if I can't socially function, I still do maintain a job and a place to live. I enjoy many of my personal activities such as reading books, playing video games, and watching anime. And yet, I know this much is true. Having a woman to share myself with and to share herself with me, it would make my life much more pleasant. I don't come on here and complain about my lack of female interest merely because I don't need to vent about it and I don't think that it will do anyone else any good, including myself. But when people do use these forums to vent, that is okay as well. Forums can be a filter for the bad and the good, but the day to day is seldom distilled via this medium. That is my opinion.
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Tim_Tex
Believes Mordor is in Pakistan
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 9:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What does BFE stand for?
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therange
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 9:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"But changing who they are in order to fool someone into being with them, that's a recipe for a short relationship and/or a terrible breakup."

I became significantly more outgoing and I'm not a "phony." I still keep to myself when I want to. My point is, when I talk to a woman, I'm no longer looking at her like she's some mythical figure that I should bow down to, nor am I intimidated by her. And I WAS the guys on here, only I decided to do something about it.

The other option is to be realistic and realize the kind of woman you're going to attract as a sub-par looking, quiet and weird guy.

The guys on here, most of them anyway, aren't complaining that they can't talk to that nice but overweight woman at work, they're complaining that the hot girl doesn't like them. And why would she?
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PlatedDrake
Argentum Draconis
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Its a tricky social aspect regardless, its just more awkward for those in the spectrum. I'll admit, Ive wanted a girlfriend, but it was more of a gut reflex than knowing why or what it is im wanting out of a relationship (gotta love instinct and hormones . . . eew ). As far as solving something, for some of us its like there is some puzzle piece we're missing in our lives, and knowing what it is is maddening because its both a driving urge, and its only fulfilled IF one happens to be that lucky/outgoing. I dont know about the whole "hot girl" aspect since each person has his/her personal and physical preferences (course the more naive ones here have a shallow list, but some of them cant help it due to other factors). In the end, some of us are looking for a way to fill that missing piece, others seek someone who can "wake them up" to the world (given our notorious intensity in interests), for the sexual needs (which seems to be a "must have" aspect these days to one degree or the other), or someone who can "mommy" them to a degree (severity of their end of the spectrum pending).
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Proudmumof2
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:06 pm    Post subject: Get a grip (Not all Aspies are depressed) Reply with quote

Mad I think you're a tool! I am a proud mum of 2 Aspies and a wife of another. My guys don't seek a woman to 'drag them out of depression'. They have feelings just like everyone else. The only difference is that sometimes they don't understand those feelings.
To use an expression, "GET A GRIP" of reality. Aspies seek affection, companionship and support the same as any NT would. Like I said, they just do it differently!
Next time you post, think about it first!
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Descartes30
Toucan
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tim_Tex wrote:
What does BFE stand for?


It stands for Bum F@*k Egypt, which is a colloquialism for "middle of nowhere". In Wyoming, nowhere is in all four directions. I hope that cleared it up a little, apologies about the word play, I'm a writer.
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KazigluBey
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:18 pm    Post subject: Re: Question for the Aspie males that want girlfriends. Reply with quote

therange wrote:
What exactly is it that a woman would solve in your life?


The lack of a woman in my life. Very Happy
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Unorthodox
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 1:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As an Aspie who's generally had girlfriends over the years, one thing that comes to mind is that (at least for me) they tend to help out with maintaining a social group, get me on the invite list for couples things, and generally keep me from forgetting that there are other people out there, some of whom are fun and interesting to be around. Left to my own devices I forget to call people, fall out of touch, and generally let friendships drift, where as in a relationship I have someone to help remind me of all those things that "normal" people do, and aside from the obvious things a girlfriend provides I feel that this is the greatest benefit. I do mostly date NT women, though not by design, so mileage may differ for other Aspie men.
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Stinkypuppy
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Unorthodox wrote:
As an Aspie who's generally had girlfriends over the years, one thing that comes to mind is that (at least for me) they tend to help out with maintaining a social group, get me on the invite list for couples things, and generally keep me from forgetting that there are other people out there, some of whom are fun and interesting to be around. Left to my own devices I forget to call people, fall out of touch, and generally let friendships drift, where as in a relationship I have someone to help remind me of all those things that "normal" people do, and aside from the obvious things a girlfriend provides I feel that this is the greatest benefit.

From my own personal experience, I think this is totally true, and likely occurs to at least some extent with many Aspies.

However, this begs two questions:
1) Why does the eternally lonely Aspie guy (i.e. subset of AS male population) think that a girlfriend is required for the above, as opposed to a friend-who-is-a-girl?

and

2) If the eternally lonely Aspie guy doesn't have the social skills to maintain a friendship with a friend-who-is-a-girl, on what logical basis does he think that he has the means to maintain a relationship with a girlfriend?

huh
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Janissy
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 12:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Descartes30 wrote:
No woman can speak for what every woman wants. And that a young male seems to think he can, it's quite ridiculous. .


True. There are no absolutes. However I am a fairly ordinary woman and if I were single, therange's guesses about women would be true for me. They were true when I was single. And there are an awful lot of women like me (no, not all). At least enough for therange's guesses to be applicable to a large-ish number of women.
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Janissy
Phoenix
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 12:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

therange wrote:
"
I became significantly more outgoing and I'm not a "phony." I still keep to myself when I want to. My point is, when I talk to a woman, I'm no longer looking at her like she's some mythical figure that I should bow down to, nor am I intimidated by her. And I WAS the guys on here, only I decided to do something about it.




Good!

In my opinion, mythologizing women and misogyny are two aspects of the same problem: not seeing women as just being other people. It's seeing women as not being entirely human. We aren't angels (mythologizing) or demons (misogyny). We're just other people. You can see that and want to share the insight and I appreciate that. The more men who come to see that we women are just people, the better. But it's an uphill battle for sure. But ultimately, it's the point of view that leads to healthier relationships between men and women.
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Asp-Z
Clockwork Planet
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 12:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

...

Last edited by Asp-Z on Sat Feb 13, 2010 5:44 am; edited 1 time in total
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Christophe
Toucan
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Joined: Dec 15, 2009
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 1:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't complain about not having a girlfriend, and I don't see a woman as being the answer to pulling me out of the proverbial funk that I sometimes get in. I DO however, like having a girlfriend for the companionship. It is nice having someone that offers an intellectual and emotional challenge. I have only ever had NT girlfriends (THOUGH I WOULD LIKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO EVENTUALLY DATE AN ASPIE LADY WHEN I AM READY FOR IT), and while one of them was not very accepting of the Aspie thing, the rest were. It is like a user said in a post prior to mine...Most aspie guys just express the emotional side of the relationship thing differently. Accusing someone of whining and moaning about not having a girlfriend and thinking that having said girlfriend will bring them out of their depression and lonliness only goes to show how narrow-minded, insecure, and lonely the original poster is (or seems to be). It is my experience that those that make such claims and posts as the originator of this topic, are usually the ones that are that way/ in a funk, and are the ones that need the most help; not the ones that they are making false accusations against. I was only diagnosed with AS in september of last year. Guess what? At that point I had TWO NT girlfriends, and was (and still am) in an active war zone (Afghanistan). I ended both relationships because one girlfriend was less than accepting of my AS, and the other was constantly hounding me about "Please get me pregnant. I want a baby," when I am not ready. I am also in the middle of a divorce (but that was due to her infidelity rather than anything else-she is military too). I don't need a woman to make me happy, and I don't think that any man on here thinks that he does either. I think that the men on here merely seek the companionship because they want someone to share those moments of beauty, peace, and happiness with; and someone that presents an intellectual and emotional challenge/breath of fresh air (and can handle my oddities) (and whatever else their reasons may be).
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Hector
etc., etc.
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Age: 27
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:00 pm    Post subject: Re: Question for the Aspie males that want girlfriends. Reply with quote

therange wrote:
What exactly is it that a woman would solve in your life? If you're socially inept, aren't very interesting (to the NT crowd, i.e. the women you want) and are untreated for depression, what exactly is a woman going to do to make things better? If anything, she'll judge you more than your worst enemy, and dump you sooner than later.

I guess I don't really have the same demands that many other people here do, because in spite of everything I don't see myself as truly being socially inept. I'm happy with having a couple of at least closeish friends, who I see every day or every other day in college. I haven't had much trouble doing this since I entered my teens. Maybe if I had a girlfriend who was very social I would have another outlet or two, at least for as long as we were together, but I doubt I'd make much use of it.

I presume I have no mental illnesses because I don't think I'd have made it this far into graduate school if I had really serious issues - I've tended to toe the line to work just enough to get decentish marks, and persistently do just enough. I don't really know how interesting I am to people but I make friends, I don't think I'm particularly unpopular, so I presume I'm not that bad. Being single is almost the only source of insecurity I have left, and it's been that way for years.

What a girlfriend would solve or otherwise do for me would depend on how far we got. At the very least it would alleviate some of my insecurities concerning never having had a relationship. Maybe I would be in higher spirits than I am now, but I'm not taking that for granted. If we had children then I would have accomplished one of my life's goals. If we stayed together for the rest of our lives then I would have company for at least most of my life, always a plus, and a bit cherished too.
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