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How to look UNapproachable to men. 1, 2, 3, 4  Next  
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Yasmine
Deinonychus
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Age: 25
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Location: Norway

PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2010 9:35 pm    Post subject: How to look UNapproachable to men. Reply with quote

I seem to only attract losers and creeps... perhaps it's like that for most women. Perhaps creeps just have a lower threshold than normal people. But it really bothers me when people like that talk to me without having any connection to me from before. It makes me really really uncomfortable and ruins my day. I also get depressed and start wondering what is wrong with me. So I want it to stop. How can I make myself look unapproachable to them? My best friend thinks it is because of my boobs (come on they're not THAT big), and me having red hair and somehow people judge that as attention-seeking or something. Modest clothing doesn't help. My friend can stand right besides me with both higher skirt and more cleavage and I still get the creeps. It's affecting my self-esteem.

What can I do?

Could it be something about my weight or appearance. I'm kind of chubby. Perhaps I'm in some sort of limbo where they are interested but think I am desperate?? I usually wear nice clothing, but I guess sometimes I don't look very well put together because I don't use a lot of time on my hair and my face looks spotty (again why are they hitting on me). So.. does that make me approachable?
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Athenacapella
Deinonychus
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PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2010 10:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have no real ideas to give you. I get creeped out if any guys talk with me. I assume they want to use me, and it gives me the creeps.

Wear a fake engagement/wedding ring maybe?
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Yasmine
Deinonychus
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Joined: May 23, 2007
Age: 25
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Location: Norway

PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2010 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the idea but I don't think these guys are perceptive enough for that. And I'm at a university. Few here are married. I don't think it enters their mind.
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sgrannel
Just Vic
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PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2010 10:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What are the odds that all these men really are creepy losers? Could it be that you have been defining any man who approaches you as a creepy loser only because he approached you? Why would you do that? To me this behavior seems creepy, and in the long run it will also make you a loser.
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Chronos
Phoenix
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Joined: Apr 23, 2010
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PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 12:23 am    Post subject: Re: How to look UNapproachable to men. Reply with quote

Yasmine wrote:
I seem to only attract losers and creeps... perhaps it's like that for most women. Perhaps creeps just have a lower threshold than normal people. But it really bothers me when people like that talk to me without having any connection to me from before. It makes me really really uncomfortable and ruins my day. I also get depressed and start wondering what is wrong with me. So I want it to stop. How can I make myself look unapproachable to them? My best friend thinks it is because of my boobs (come on they're not THAT big), and me having red hair and somehow people judge that as attention-seeking or something. Modest clothing doesn't help. My friend can stand right besides me with both higher skirt and more cleavage and I still get the creeps. It's affecting my self-esteem.

What can I do?

Could it be something about my weight or appearance. I'm kind of chubby. Perhaps I'm in some sort of limbo where they are interested but think I am desperate?? I usually wear nice clothing, but I guess sometimes I don't look very well put together because I don't use a lot of time on my hair and my face looks spotty (again why are they hitting on me). So.. does that make me approachable?


Well there are a few options.

If you really want to wear something that screams to men "Off limits!" then a wedding ring will usually do it. I'm not saying married women with wedding rings never get hit on but it will drastically reduce the number of men who do approach you.

Another way to do it is to really dress down, or dress as if you are part of some religious community....like the super conservative christian or orthodox jews.

However, if you just don't want creepy men to approach you, and I'm assuming by creepy you mean those men that all women identify as creepy....older, unkempt, possibly married, odd fetishes, south of your league in a bad way, yet you want to keep yourself open to not so creepy men, dress up.

That's right. Dress nicer. Smile less. In my experience, creepy guys approach women who look relatively pretty and seem to have a kinder disposition making them more approachable than other women. They think they have a chance with her.

Now men, if you were ever wondering why some women are just kind of stuck up b*****s, it's usually because if they aren't, they have to ward off unwanted advances all day, because creepy guys don't respect their boundaries....literally sometimes.
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hartzofspace
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PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 1:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can relate. I learned to not smile, ever. If some guy asked directions to someplace, or started a random convo, I would just rudely walk away. Creepy guys don't like that; they like girls with that air of innocence and accessibility. Being an Aspie, I have had stalkers, guys bugging me for dates, etc. And I don't think that I am a beauty queen, either! Wearing a wedding ring didn't even stop them. Sometimes I casually fondle my canister of pepper spray when they won't leave me alone. Even offer to spray it in their face if they don't back down. NEVER SMILE. These types take that as encouragement. I notice in dating "how to" books, girls and women are encouraged to "be accessible," by smiling, and acting friendly. So I do the exact opposite. It has gotten better, since my hair has started going gray at the temples. Now I can be invisible. Twisted Evil
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MissConstrue
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PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 3:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't attract anyone.

I'm invisible... Crying or Very sad
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Chronos
Phoenix
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Joined: Apr 23, 2010
Posts: 5234

PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 3:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

therange wrote:
Get over yourselves. A 52 year old with pepper spray? Give me a break.

Also, just a question for the other women, by creepy do you mean "ugly" or do you just mean any guy in general, even if he looked like Johnny Depp? Because that's kind of a double standard...wanting to not be judged for your looks, but then being mean to a guy just because he isn't a model.


Creepy does not equate to ugly! It has nothing to do with how handsome, or not, the guy is.

Let me give you some examples of what creepy is from personal experience.

1. The 50 year old guy at the truck stop (I was 20 at the time) who told me I was pretty..."perdy" actually, and then followed me to the cashier line and stood right behind me breathing abnormally heavily, so close I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. He wasn't even buying anything! He just stood there in my personal space breathing on me!

2. The guy who tried to pick me up with chunks of food stuck in his rotted teeth, that had been there for God knows how long.

3. The guy who was again much older than me, who tried to pick me up in a food stained polyester sweat suit, and then asked if he could cut my hair!

I could go on. I may miss social cues on occasion. I may be a bit odd myself. But I'm certainly not oblivious to extreme creepiness!
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Nostromos
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PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 3:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So "creepy" means:


-30 years or more your senior

-poor personal hygeine

-unwashed clothing, esp. polyester

-wanton disregard for personal space

-breathing on you

-expressing interest in cutting your hair


So a guy eleven years your senior with good personal hygeine and clean new clothes could approach you, talk about something non-haircutting related, and it would be acceptable?
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Chronos
Phoenix
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PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 3:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nostromos wrote:
So "creepy" means:


-30 years or more your senior

-poor personal hygeine

-unwashed clothing, esp. polyester

-wanton disregard for personal space

-breathing on you

-expressing interest in cutting your hair


I do think most women would consider some combination of those undesirable traits that qualify a man as creepy, yes.

Being much older alone does not always qualify as creepy though.

Nostromos wrote:

So a guy eleven years your senior with good personal hygeine and clean new clothes could approach you, talk about something non-haircutting related, and it would be acceptable?


He could still be creepy but if he were, it wouldn't be for the reasons listed above. I think it would depend on his particular personality and what verbal and non-verbal factors that I could pick up on. For the most part though, I'd probably not consider him creepy.

However just because a man isn't creepy doesn't mean I'm interested in them.
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Aimless
innocent bystander
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Joined: Apr 02, 2009
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PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 5:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I used to get this a lot when I was a bartender, but I think there is a weird kind of bartender mystique. Anyway, I agree that some of this is because of looking like you won't be assertive in telling them no. I never figured it out and I didn't want to have to be rude either. The bar where I worked was near an urban university. The clientele included professors as well as crack dealers. The professorial types never hit on me, but the guys with the little teardrop tattoos on their face did. Rolling Eyes
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Yasmine
Deinonychus
Deinonychus


Joined: May 23, 2007
Age: 25
Posts: 300
Location: Norway

PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 9:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

sgrannel wrote:
What are the odds that all these men really are creepy losers? Could it be that you have been defining any man who approaches you as a creepy loser only because he approached you? Why would you do that? To me this behavior seems creepy, and in the long run it will also make you a loser.


What is up with you and therange? Don't you think I can separate a normal guy and a guy purposedly violating my personal space. Sorry if I don't like the disgusting guy that approaches me drunkenly every time he sees me to say how red hair I have. I'm sorry but when I ignore someone and that person still tries maybe 5 times more it is creepy. That person has pretty much said with he actions "I don't respect your space".

And also I live in Norway. We don't have your kind of dating culture. It is in no way normal to walk up to a stranger to talk them up. In my experience only people with no respect for boundaries/women does that here... The few times I have been more gentle with them they develop into stalkers.
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Yasmine
Deinonychus
Deinonychus


Joined: May 23, 2007
Age: 25
Posts: 300
Location: Norway

PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 9:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hartzofspace wrote:
I can relate. I learned to not smile, ever. If some guy asked directions to someplace, or started a random convo, I would just rudely walk away. Creepy guys don't like that; they like girls with that air of innocence and accessibility. Being an Aspie, I have had stalkers, guys bugging me for dates, etc. And I don't think that I am a beauty queen, either! Wearing a wedding ring didn't even stop them. Sometimes I casually fondle my canister of pepper spray when they won't leave me alone. Even offer to spray it in their face if they don't back down. NEVER SMILE. These types take that as encouragement. I notice in dating "how to" books, girls and women are encouraged to "be accessible," by smiling, and acting friendly. So I do the exact opposite. It has gotten better, since my hair has started going gray at the temples. Now I can be invisible. Twisted Evil


Yeah I do that too. I just don't know what to do and just their presence makes me feel dirty so I just ignore them. Pretend I didn't hear them. The problem is with the guys who don't even understand that!
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Yasmine
Deinonychus
Deinonychus


Joined: May 23, 2007
Age: 25
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Location: Norway

PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 9:25 am    Post subject: Re: How to look UNapproachable to men. Reply with quote

Chronos wrote:


That's right. Dress nicer. Smile less. In my experience, creepy guys approach women who look relatively pretty and seem to have a kinder disposition making them more approachable than other women. They think they have a chance with her.

Now men, if you were ever wondering why some women are just kind of stuck up b*****s, it's usually because if they aren't, they have to ward off unwanted advances all day, because creepy guys don't respect their boundaries....literally sometimes.


Yeah I was thinking that might be it. Problem is I don't pull it off very well. Because I'm kind of chubby it take a lot more effort to get the polished look. And if I lose weight I'm kind of afraid the problem will get worse. My boobs will look bigger in proportion for example.

What do you think is important to pull it off.. is it like the style of dress or...
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Chronos
Phoenix
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Joined: Apr 23, 2010
Posts: 5234

PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 1:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yasmine wrote:


And also I live in Norway. We don't have your kind of dating culture. It is in no way normal to walk up to a stranger to talk them up. In my experience only people with no respect for boundaries/women does that here... The few times I have been more gentle with them they develop into stalkers.


What is the dating culture in Norway like?
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