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Aeturnus
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 5:59 pm    Post subject: Internalizing Feelings ... Reply with quote

Does anyone here have a problem such as this? I do, and I can't seem to rid myself of it.

Has anyone ever found themselves internalizing their feelings, unable to open up about personal feelings, even to those whom are close to you?

If there are things that are bothering me, say I had a problem at work or school, do you tend to hold it in? And later on blow up at someone who is close to you? Because you're too paranoid or afraid to truly stipulate that something was bothering you?

This has been a serious problem for me as long as I can remember. I continuously feel misunderstood, even though that I am most likely overreacting on many occasions. It's become so bad that I began to welcome my own problems as safety nets for my own actions after blowing up. I tend to want to be seen as abnormal around those that are close to me, but I don't want those who are not close to me to know anything is wrong. I have like an insatiable desire to be loved and understood, but I am very cold and distant myself. I can not bring myself to tell somebody how I truly feel, so I do so in ways that are like acting out, such as by cutting myself in hiding with the expectation of getting caught or by burning myself, making blisters on my skin and making people think I had a disease or something. I find myself continuously acting immature, unable to express myself, so I do so in appropriate ways. But it's only around people that are close to me and know of my problems. This has become an obsession, something that I continuously find myself worrying about. I find myself constantly scanning my environment for the moods of others, at times looking for just the right moment to explode just because I hold everything in. I got upset on a few occasions and angered even those that are close to me, so I just ran off. What did I do? I kind of acted weird in public, not breaking the law, but just making myself known, sometimes mimicking problems associated with other mental disorders.

I needed to get this off my shoulders. I internalize everything, which is why I rant so much. I can never clear my head, and at times everything around me seems to overwhelm me. And I tend to write from a rather arrogant point of view, like I appear to be a know-it-all. And I don't know if it's a problem with empathizing with others, because someone once told me I'm like an empath, that I can sense the moods of others. I was so good at this once during school that I knew the teacher was having a bad day. I kept questioning her, but she kept denying anything was wrong. But her attitude was different, but nobody else was picking up on it. At the end of the day, after questioning her like five times, I guess she just got fed up and said: "Yeah! I'm not in a good mood. I won't mention why. Just leave it be." But I can't communicate my own feelings. So, I hide behind disguises.

Basically, I have to be in control. And when that control is broken, I can't stand it. It's not like the sort of control needed by a sociopath or anything, because I understand the rights of others. I understand the feelings of others in this regard.

-- Ray M --
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dexkaden
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 6:09 pm    Post subject: Re: Internalizing Feelings ... Reply with quote

Aeturnus wrote:
Does anyone here have a problem such as this? I do, and I can't seem to rid myself of it.

Has anyone ever found themselves internalizing their feelings, unable to open up about personal feelings, even to those whom are close to you?

If there are things that are bothering me, say I had a problem at work or school, do you tend to hold it in? And later on blow up at someone who is close to you? Because you're too paranoid or afraid to truly stipulate that something was bothering you?

This has been a serious problem for me as long as I can remember. I continuously feel misunderstood, even though that I am most likely overreacting on many occasions. It's become so bad that I began to welcome my own problems as safety nets for my own actions after blowing up. I tend to want to be seen as abnormal around those that are close to me, but I don't want those who are not close to me to know anything is wrong. I have like an insatiable desire to be loved and understood, but I am very cold and distant myself. I can not bring myself to tell somebody how I truly feel, so I do so in ways that are like acting out, such as by cutting myself in hiding with the expectation of getting caught or by burning myself, making blisters on my skin and making people think I had a disease or something. I find myself continuously acting immature, unable to express myself, so I do so in appropriate ways. But it's only around people that are close to me and know of my problems. This has become an obsession, something that I continuously find myself worrying about. I find myself constantly scanning my environment for the moods of others, at times looking for just the right moment to explode just because I hold everything in. I got upset on a few occasions and angered even those that are close to me, so I just ran off.

I internalize everything, which is why I rant so much. I can never clear my head, and at times everything around me seems to overwhelm me. And I tend to write from a rather arrogant point of view, like I appear to be a know-it-all. But I can't communicate my own feelings. So, I hide behind disguises.

Basically, I have to be in control. And when that control is broken, I can't stand it. It's not like the sort of control needed by a sociopath or anything, because I understand the rights of others. I understand the feelings of others in this regard.

-- Ray M --


I do the same thing, and I can't tell you how glad I am that I am not the only one. It may not help the situation much, but at least I know that I am not the only one who simply cannot explain or handle emotions. I HAVE to be in control. That is exactly what it is. No one I have tried to explain this "phenomenon" to seems to grasp exactly how much control over myself I need. And when someone sees something that is so close to the quick, it takes away all that control and I that powerless feeling. I've always been this way, too. Any ideas on how to help it?
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Sundy
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 6:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've had similar problems. I often wonder if it's because I don't know how to express those feelings, don't feel comfortable expressing my feelings, or don't know when people are receptive to my expression of those feelings. I understand what you mean about being able to tell the moods of others when other people aren't. But then I can't tell if somethings wrong with someone when they want me to ask them about it to allow them to express themselves. I can only tell when someone is upset and they're not interested in sharing it. Even if I do get them to talk about it, I can't relate to the way they feel so I come off as unsympathetic. Sometimes people don't want to express their feelings and they hide it from everyone except the person they know they want to express those feelings to. However, that seems to be the only time I can tell something is wrong. I try to read people's faces, especially those faces that I'm most familiar with; a parent, a teacher, etc. Basically anyone you recognize well. So just like you saw with your teacher, you probably read her face and her demeanor and you could tell it was different from the other times you were used to seeing her.

It's frustrating to pick up on this when you can't read the body language all the time. I have the problem of expressing myself and then blowing up when it becomes too much. My problem is that I can't read when it's time to talk to someone and when they're interested so I blow up when I just can't take it anymore. One thing to try is to talk to someone you trust, even your teacher that you saw when she was upset, and ask her if you could talk to her about something and set an appointment as soon as possible; extra points if you could get it after her class. Before asking someone if you could talk to them, jot down a few key points about whatever is p***ing you off. Try to stick to those points, vent your anger/feelings, and you'll feel a little better. Tell your target that you just need to vent and be upset and express yourself. Do this as often as you need to, but before you blow up. Blowing up is no fun. You don't need to go into great detail about your methods of injuring yourself. Start slowly by telling your target about a small thing that upset you recently and as the trust and comfort grows, you can start telling your target person more and more personal details. Just let a little out at a time, but only to someone you trust and the same person every time.
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moomin
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 6:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i drive myself barmy by not expressing my feelings. Even when something has really upset me, i generally won't let anyone know-act like everything is ok. I think it's partly to do with worrying that people not like me if i am myself or express any emotion other than that of nicety. I've self harmed(mostly in the past) because i have no way of expressing things. I'm sooo jealous of people who are able to release their emotions- especially if they are able to do so through poetry or music or even writing. Recently i head butted a wall, because it all bottles up and i don't have any positive ways of releasing it all.
I also stressful that i can't be as honest with people as i would like, because people generally don't get the whole honesty thing. So i say something that is inappropriate, then get upset with myself later for doing so. It's so difficult, because i put up this wall to stop people getting close because i know if they do and i start to relax, that's when i slip up and say things that are considered bizarre.
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CockneyRebel
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I internernalize my Feelings, as well. I've been taught at an early age that I shouldn't show any signs of dispair. When I do talk about my problems, my Mother tells me that they're all in my Head. I've talked to my Father about my Feelings about the way that he thinks of me, that I feel he underestimates my Intelligence and my Learning Speed. He didn't listen to me. He just told me that I push and I think he meant that I push him away. He told me that we're both angry at each other and that's why he keeps keeps his distance most of the time, and why I keep my distance, as well and that we both love each other. I agree with what he said, but he still didn't get what he told me a thought. It's impossible for me to talk to any of my Family Members about my Feelings, and I'm a Woman. I'd rather keep the Stiff Upper Lip that the British are known for, and I was born into a very touchy and Canadian Family. Two things about me that are wrong. My Gender and Nationality.

I feel more like an Englishman than I do, a Canadian Woman. Ouch! That really hurt! Expressing these feelings made pain shoot up my spine.
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moomin
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

it's funny you saying about feeling very English. I am English, and i'm quite old school in the sense of having proper manners, expecting people to be courteous and being courteous myself and doing the whole stiff upper lip thing. I wonder though if that's a by product of being AS? I wonder if i'm obsessed with that sort of thing because of having issues with control, etc.
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CockneyRebel
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 7:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

moomin wrote:
it's funny you saying about feeling very English. I am English, and i'm quite old school in the sense of having proper manners, expecting people to be courteous and being courteous myself and doing the whole stiff upper lip thing. I wonder though if that's a by product of being AS? I wonder if i'm obsessed with that sort of thing because of having issues with control, etc.


I think it is.
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Tequila
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

CockneyRebel wrote:
It's impossible for me to talk to any of my Family Members about my Feelings, and I'm a Woman. I'd rather keep the Stiff Upper Lip that the British are known for, and I was born into a very touchy and Canadian Family. Two things about me that are wrong. My Gender and Nationality.

I feel more like an Englishman than I do, a Canadian Woman. Ouch! That really hurt! Expressing these feelings made pain shoot up my spine.


I don't think nationality really has anything at all to do with it. You see, traditionally the British were a nation of people who believed in a stiff upper-lip but in the past fifty years it's become more of a permanently-trembling lip. Witness the ridiculous wailing and public grief over Princess Diana, Sarah Payne, the Soham murders, the death of the Queen Mother, etc. We seem to want to wail in public to show people that we 'care'. Why on earth, I can't understand.

I externalise my feelings to my mother when I need to, and I usually feel an awful lot better after I've done so. If you can find someone whom you can trust, try and do it. Smile
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Fiz
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 7:43 pm    Post subject: Re: Internalizing Feelings ... Reply with quote

Aeturnus wrote:
Has anyone ever found themselves internalizing their feelings, unable to open up about personal feelings, even to those whom are close to you?

If there are things that are bothering me, say I had a problem at work or school, do you tend to hold it in? And later on blow up at someone who is close to you? Because you're too paranoid or afraid to truly stipulate that something was bothering you?



I tend to internalize my feelings a lot. Sometimes I show how I feel but don't say anything because I feel unable to. And when I finally do say how I feel it comes out as one big rant, but then I get it out all at once I suppose.

I'm also like this when I want to tell someone that I like them as a friend, or if I think theyre special, or if I love someone etc, I find it difficult to get my feelings out verbally and so will try and gesture them in some way. I'm very good at writing letters or emails to people to tell them how Im feeling, whether it be good or bad, but its not quite the same as looking them in the eye and just telling people straight up.
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en_una_isla
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

YES, yes, and YES. I also used to cut myself a lot-- I did this for ten years but was able to stop when I had children. I also have the problem of wanting to get close to people, but also needing to keep them at a distance. It can be torment.
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Aeturnus
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 12:01 am    Post subject: Re: Internalizing Feelings ... Reply with quote

dexkaden wrote:

I do the same thing, and I can't tell you how glad I am that I am not the only one. It may not help the situation much, but at least I know that I am not the only one who simply cannot explain or handle emotions. I HAVE to be in control. That is exactly what it is. No one I have tried to explain this "phenomenon" to seems to grasp exactly how much control over myself I need. And when someone sees something that is so close to the quick, it takes away all that control and I that powerless feeling. I've always been this way, too. Any ideas on how to help it?


Well, I saw a therapist about five years ago, and she prescribed Carbamazepine. Strangely enough, it's supposed to be an anti-epileptic, but it can also be used as a mood stabilizer. I had an EEG done when I was very young, and it showed "seizure" activity in some area of my brain, but not nearly bad enough to warrant any sort of epileptic diagnosis. It seemed to help with the sudden urge to blow up in a violent rage, but didn't appear to do much regarding internalizing my feelings.

I get these people who continuously tell me to count to ten, but that doesn't work. I mean, there's definitely an anger issue, but it is much more deeper than that. Counting to ten doesn't ease the tension, and at times this tension is what drives my own ideas and passions. I don't always see it as a bad thing, but I would like to feel more at ease. I constantly am nervous, jittery, twiddling things, biting my nails, whatever. It used to affect my speech, but I have actually calmed down a lot since I was young. People can easily tell I'm nervous, because my speech tends to become high-pitched and ramblesome at times. Strangely enough, I manage to function adequately well in many social situations, so long as they are not relationships. That was far from the case when I was much younger.

I've always thought of it as neurological, like because of the intense tension. I don't know how old you are, but in my case, a lot of the outbursts have subsided. I say that I may have one to two a year nowadays, where when I was younger, it was like one every other day. I've learned to control a lot of my feelings, and I think that is where I began to internalize. When I was younger, it was as if I didn't care. I blew up at anyone. But as you get older, you know you can't do that. You could get into a lot of trouble. And you don't want to do it in the real world. So, I started to internalize and do things that didn't get me into a lot of trouble, and a lot of my feelings began to be directed at those who were close to me.

I think that a support group, whether it's people close to you are an outside therapist, can help a lot. Knowing that there are others out there who feel similarly can help, also.

- Ray M -
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Aeturnus
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 12:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CockneyRebel wrote:
I internernalize my Feelings, as well. I've been taught at an early age that I shouldn't show any signs of dispair. When I do talk about my problems, my Mother tells me that they're all in my Head. I've talked to my Father about my Feelings about the way that he thinks of me, that I feel he underestimates my Intelligence and my Learning Speed. He didn't listen to me. He just told me that I push and I think he meant that I push him away. He told me that we're both angry at each other and that's why he keeps keeps his distance most of the time, and why I keep my distance, as well and that we both love each other. I agree with what he said, but he still didn't get what he told me a thought. It's impossible for me to talk to any of my Family Members about my Feelings, and I'm a Woman. I'd rather keep the Stiff Upper Lip that the British are known for, and I was born into a very touchy and Canadian Family. Two things about me that are wrong. My Gender and Nationality.

I feel more like an Englishman than I do, a Canadian Woman. Ouch! That really hurt! Expressing these feelings made pain shoot up my spine.


I can't bring myself to think that nationality has anything to do with peoples' behavioral traits. Sure, there are cultural norms and mores, but these are learned. There are always those within a given culture that don't have the same traits, and sometimes they are part of the subculture. The most important aspects of a culture is not within the core, but that which occurs on the outer edges. That's where progress occurs. I find, not just the British, but most mainstream cultures unethical, uncaring and intolerant of others. And this has also been heavily documented, so it's not just by view. If you want to change this in any way, then research and support the efforts beyond the core.

And I can sympathize with how you feel regarding your parents. I live with my parents, actually ... and I don't find them in denial of my problems or anything, but they have a tendency to minimize them, as if they have a need to "normalize" me as best as they can see fit. Maybe it's good for their psyche or whatever, but I'm constantly getting sick of my father telling me "how much money I will be making in twenty years because I'm so smart."

- Ray M -
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dexkaden
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 12:57 am    Post subject: Re: Internalizing Feelings ... Reply with quote

Aeturnus wrote:
I get these people who continuously tell me to count to ten, but that doesn't work. I mean, there's definitely an anger issue, but it is much more deeper than that. Counting to ten doesn't ease the tension, and at times this tension is what drives my own ideas and passions. I don't always see it as a bad thing, but I would like to feel more at ease. I constantly am nervous, jittery, twiddling things, biting my nails, whatever. It used to affect my speech, but I have actually calmed down a lot since I was young. People can easily tell I'm nervous, because my speech tends to become high-pitched and ramblesome at times. Strangely enough, I manage to function adequately well in many social situations, so long as they are not relationships. That was far from the case when I was much younger.


I am actually noticing it affecting my speech more now than when I was younger, mostly because I absolutely refused to speak (I actually tried to make myself hoarse so I wouldn't have to talk in a 7th grade history class.) Now that I realize speaking is an integral part of communication Smile, I am making more of an effort to speak, and when I am nervous, people can tell it right off---I ramble, I stutter, and repeat myself...I go off on a very long, pedantic tangent on something I AM comfortable about...Smile And I am always moving something, be it my fingers, my foot, whatever.

Aeturnus wrote:
I've always thought of it as neurological, like because of the intense tension. I don't know how old you are, but in my case, a lot of the outbursts have subsided. I say that I may have one to two a year nowadays, where when I was younger, it was like one every other day. I've learned to control a lot of my feelings, and I think that is where I began to internalize. When I was younger, it was as if I didn't care. I blew up at anyone. But as you get older, you know you can't do that. You could get into a lot of trouble. And you don't want to do it in the real world. So, I started to internalize and do things that didn't get me into a lot of trouble, and a lot of my feelings began to be directed at those who were close to me.


Oh, I've calmed down quite a bit. I still have a hard time not taking my work frustrations out on my family, so I purchased a nice punching bag. That has helped with work, but all the other emotions, like fear and uncertainty and all the "Why am I so different?" stuff just keeps building because I don't know how to handle it, and sometimes it just explodes. I don't like it, but I have become more adept at controlling it. I've never blown up at anyone I didn't feel safe around, so the person who actually irritated me didn't get anything but disdain while my family got the whole rage. It has caused a whole lot of problems I am still trying to fix.

Aeturnus wrote:
I think that a support group, whether it's people close to you are an outside therapist, can help a lot. Knowing that there are others out there who feel similarly can help, also.
- Ray M -


I've figured as much, and I'm trying to find a therapist who doesn't make me feel all sorts of stupid. My family is being really great about it, and I know I've made a lot of improvement on my own, even if it is just in baby steps. It is nice knowing I'm not the only one who has this problem. Thanks.
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Fuzzy
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 5:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I dont internalize. My feelings seem to evaporate. I dont bear grudges(i did as a kid, for 20 years or more with one case), so I know I dont anymore.
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workinprogress
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Internalizing is so automatic for me that sometimes I don't actually know that something is bothering me. usually, I'll realize that I'm spacing out more in front of the TV, doing things with only half of my mind on them, or getting headaches or tired all the time. What has helped me is to write, or just spend time sitting and letting my thoughts wander. Eventually, whatever it is seems to come to light and I can try to do something about it. Writing about feelings is so much easier than talking to another person about them. Sharing feelings in person can feel very vulnerable, like the other person will know too much or could do harm if they don't respond with care. I'm learning how to take those risks with a few poeple, and it gets easier each time.
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