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Overbearing friends
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Zephyr
Blue Jay
Blue Jay


Joined: Dec 05, 2004
Posts: 77
Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2004 6:15 pm    Post subject: Overbearing friends Reply with quote

I am writing this in the hope that someone here can help me.

I am having a problem with my friend. Lately whenever we speak I find myself wishing that she would just shut up. Usually I get this way with people some of the time but recently it’s only happening with her all of the time. She has an incessant need to talk about herself lately. We are in the middle of exams and every time she feels like taking a study break she comes and disrupts me, even though I might not want a break. Then she talks about herself and her studies and her problems! I don’t even want to listen, I find it draining. I know I might come across as selfish but I think she is. The other day I was feeling particularly stressed out and I tried to tell her but she ended up speaking over me and drowning out what I had to say. So whenever she talks to me now I practically ignore her, and make “hmm” noises every now and again. I even continue doing my work and she still sits there talking. What should I do? Should I tell her to shut up and leave me alone?

Any advice would be appreciated.
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newt
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse


Joined: Nov 01, 2004
Posts: 40
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2004 8:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I knew someone who was kind of like that. Since you've already tried to tell her and she didn't stop, either she's being rude, or she just doesn't get it. If you don't care about seeming rude, then I guess you could tell her to shut up and leave you alone. Otherwise you'll just have to grin and bear it, and avoid her as much as possible.
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Zephyr
Blue Jay
Blue Jay


Joined: Dec 05, 2004
Posts: 77
Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, I don't think I could actually bring myself to shut up as she's generally wuite a nice person. I think most of the time she just "doesn't get it". It's so annoying. I can't even talk to her about it.
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KtMcS
Sea Gull
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Joined: Jun 17, 2004
Posts: 226
Location: United Kingdom

PostPosted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've got a friend like that, she's all 'me me me'. you could always try getting up and walking away when she does it. either that or invest in some ear-plugs.
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Rekkr
Raven
Raven


Joined: Dec 14, 2004
Posts: 102
Location: United States

PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 1:09 pm    Post subject: Re: Overbearing friends Reply with quote

Zephyr wrote:
I am writing this in the hope that someone here can help me.

I am having a problem with my friend. Lately whenever we speak I find myself wishing that she would just shut up. Usually I get this way with people some of the time but recently it’s only happening with her all of the time. She has an incessant need to talk about herself lately. We are in the middle of exams and every time she feels like taking a study break she comes and disrupts me, even though I might not want a break. Then she talks about herself and her studies and her problems! I don’t even want to listen, I find it draining. I know I might come across as selfish but I think she is. The other day I was feeling particularly stressed out and I tried to tell her but she ended up speaking over me and drowning out what I had to say. So whenever she talks to me now I practically ignore her, and make “hmm” noises every now and again. I even continue doing my work and she still sits there talking. What should I do? Should I tell her to shut up and leave me alone?

Any advice would be appreciated.


I know exactly what you are talking about. This is a female trait.
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Zephyr
Blue Jay
Blue Jay


Joined: Dec 05, 2004
Posts: 77
Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 1:18 pm    Post subject: Re: Overbearing friends Reply with quote

Quote:

I know exactly what you are talking about. This is a female trait.


I'm female and I don't have this trait?! Neutral
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Rekkr
Raven
Raven


Joined: Dec 14, 2004
Posts: 102
Location: United States

PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 2:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a female trait, but it doesn't appear in all of them.
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vetivert
gagged, but never silent
gagged, but never silent


Joined: Sep 18, 2004
Posts: 5768

PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 3:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

erm... how much experience of females have you had exactly?

in a psychological study of the differences between how men and women talk, (can't remember the reference), it's actually been proven that what you describe as a "female trait" is, in actual fact, a "male trait".
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Young_fogey
Deinonychus
Deinonychus


Joined: Sep 23, 2004
Posts: 316

PostPosted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 10:36 am    Post subject: Reply Reply with quote

Sorry I'm late - just found this topic!

Like reading so many others' AS experiences this gives me déjà vu.

Sometimes we are accused of being narcissistic (an ex-girlfriend understandably did that to me) but are not, but I think our naiveté makes us vulnerable to exploitative/abusive 'friendships' with people who really are. I was in such a friendship for eight years.

After all, the narcissistic person has a lot of of the same anger and frustration at the world that we do (I'm not getting what I'm entitled to, etc.) and is somebody to commiserate with! That's how I fell into it.

Just another thing for AS people to watch out for.
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Asparval
The Big Chicken
Phoenix


Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Posts: 1175
Location: UK

PostPosted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 1:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I find myself wishing that she would just shut up.


Quote:
I don’t even want to listen, I find it draining.


I find this when trying to listen to most people although there are a few people who seem a bit easier to listen to.

I have tried to figure out why this should be and I think that people who talk slowly, leave pauses and dont flit from topic to topic are generally easier to listen to.

I definately relate this to my AS.

I think I process conversation quite slowly so my brain literally has a hard time keeping track with the way most people converse.

It is extremely draining and I too tend to just end up nodding and going 'mm!' all the time when inside my head I am screaming 'SHUT UPPPP!!!'
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Phoenix


Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 29
Posts: 16071
Location: New Zealand

PostPosted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 6:08 pm    Post subject: Re: Overbearing friends Reply with quote

Rekkr wrote:


I know exactly what you are talking about. This is a female trait.


I disagree.

That completley and utterly generalising. Males can do it too. and I most certainly don't.
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BigSnoopy126
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl


Joined: Feb 14, 2005
Posts: 132
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 16, 2005 5:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't think anyone yet has offered a solution that I've seen, which is what the person wanted.

How about going up to her, taking the initiative. It can be hard, if you're not that type, but if you just go up to her and start talking about a problem that you need help with, she might get to see that others have problems, too.

She might have gotten so involved in her own problems and life that she's failed to see others' - but when she starts to see others, and what they need, then her life will not be as big a topic.

This, to me, is the bigger problem than her just talking all the time. That's a symptom, I think. But, there's a bigger pproblem, and that is she doesn't know anything else to discuss.

Elderly people often do this (sorry for the further generalization, but at least I didn't say always) because they don't have other subjects to discuss. But, I have found in talking with elderly people, if you tell them about your friends, family, life, etc. they will become interested in you and ask about you and won't be so concerned with their own aches, pains, etc.; they will have something else to think about.
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