Hitting update!

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Some of you had been reading some of the posts that I had under a different thread regarding my 5 yr old son's hitting. I decided to start another thread and share an incident that happened today. I think I handled it okay, but if anyone has any input then feel free.

I took him to lunch at a restaurant that has a children's play section. Anyway, it was pretty busy, so I gave him a choice ( I know he gets intimidated by rowdy kids) So I asked him if he wanted to stay or go home. He wanted to stay, so I decided to give it a try. Well, he sort of stood on the fringes and didn't really start playing, but he was observing. There were several rough little boys playing, but everything was ok. He actually seemed like he was starting to warm up when all of a sudden all H__L broke loose! 2 of the boys started hitting and slapping at each other, and they weren't just play hitting, because one of the little boys got really upset and was crying. I could tell my son was starting to get upset so I started whispering in his ear, "You're okay, those 2 boys are not being nice at all and they should not be hitting." He was holding it together ok, and in the meantime, there seemed to be no parent around to reprimand these 2 boys, so I took your suggestion DW and reprimanded the boys myself. I wasn't that mean, I just said "That is not nice, you should not be hitting" They just looked at me, and then moved to another spot and kept it up. Then a smaller boy that was in the area got intimidated and started screaming hysterically. Well, that was the breaking point for my son.......He started screaming hysterically and started hitting at me. Then the 2 boys mother or (caretaker) finally came in and said to the boys "okay, we're done, we are going home." She was telling them "NO" stop it, and then my son was shouting "NO, you are bad, stop hitting" I grabbed my son and just hugged him real tight and said "It is okay, you did nothing wrong, it was those other boys that were being bad by hitting" I just kept holding him real tight and he calmed down (almost)

Then the group of "bad" kids left, and my son appeared to be okay. Well, then he just turned and went up to 2 other boys that had nothing to do with the original episode and tried to hit one of those boys. Thank goodness the kid was on a slide that had a screen blocking it, and my son was trying to hit through the screen. I scolded him for that, and told him that this was wrong. Finally, I got him to get his shoes and socks and we got out of there.

Then later when he was calm, I tried to have a discussion about what had happened. I know he has difficulty when other kids get reprimanded. He always thinks he is in trouble. I think overall the whole situation just overloaded him. It just really upsets me that every time I try to let him be around the other kids and he seems to warm up a little, then something crazy like this happens! It makes you just want to avoid these scenes altogether, but he really wanted to stay.

Then, several hours later, he was saying that he wanted to go back and asked if those boys would be there. I said I have no idea, and then he was getting upset and I said "Do you want those boys to be there?" And he said "yes"
Go figure!! !!

Sorry for the long post. Sometimes it helps to just share this with others who understand the daily struggles that we face.

Do any of you get irritated that other parents just sort of let their kids go, and I feel like I am always there being the referee because my child can't be left alone!

I think you are right Mama to Grace. My son is just having difficulty understanding what is really going on. I want to avoid the places too, but I wonder, since he wants to stay, maybe he is trying to better understand it? Luckily today didn't get too crazy, but the bigger he gets, we will see. I didn't have to carry him out today, but the bigger he gets, I don't know if I physically would be able to!

I know for my daughter I don't necessarily trust her to know what's best and what's not. So she may beg to go back to the pizza place (luckily she doesn't-she doesn't ever want to go back because she associates the place with what happened) but I won't take her. It's the same way with birthday parties, she wants to go when she gets an invite but I know better. Birthday parties always end up badly so we send a nice card and do something fun and low key togther. He may be able to handle the situation in the future but I think it would be best to "work up" to those high energy, highly chaotic situations.

I know what you mean........

I'm not a child psychologist or anything and don't know your son's history or other issues he might have, and this might sound a bit draconian to parents of this generation but....have you ever just hit him back and sent him to his room when he hits you?

I just mean like a swat on the butt or thigh just hard enough to sting a bit.

My mom wasn't much of a disciplinarian and we rarely got more than a scolding and time out, but the few times my siblings and I we really did get an actual punishment from her, she usually only had to do it once. We weren't beat with a belt or anything but she'd usually be sharp enough with us that we knew we had crossed a line we shouldn't cross again.

My little brother, who generally believe time outs were something to be make a game of, and who had some genetically ingrained opposition to authority, once said the N word when he was about 4, which he heard from a neighbor kid. My mom absolutely flipped out, grabbed him by his arm, screamed "Don't you ever say that word again!" And then she picked him up and carried him in the kitchen and washed his mouth out with soap, all the while scolding him like that lady on the phone in "A Christmas Story"

He was so shocked he didn't know what hit him and I've never heard him say the word again.

It's been my observation that children only stop biting when a parent ceramonially, or a sibling or playmate for real, bites them back.

The few times I've spanked my daughter it made the hitting get worse. That's just our situation but it didn't do anything but make matters worse for us.

When he was going through the first stage of hitting when he was around 2, I got so fed up with it that a couple of times I did pop his arm back. It did nothing to stop it, and it just seemed to make no sense to me that I would be telling him "no hitting" and then I am going to hit him?

Now that he is almost 5, I haven't tried it again (I don't plan to either) because it just heightens the emotions and escalates the situation. We do send him to his room though. He knows why we are doing it, but the next time his emotions run high, then I think he forgets about the consequences. I have tried grabbing his arms really firmly and giving him a very stern look to let him know that it is not acceptable.

Today's situation though was different. When other kids are getting in trouble, it upsets him. I think because he doesn't know how to control his emotions, it comes out in the form of hitting since he doesn't know what else to do. I am trying to talk to him as much as I can to help him learn to do something else such as putting his hands over his ears if it is upsetting him.

The tricky part about this is that he is not always doing it to be mean, so today, I talked to him and I said that "the rule is there is no hitting, not your mom, not other kids, no one." You need to learn to use your words when you are angry or just walk away."

Thanks for the suggestion Chronos, I wish it was as simple as that, but unfortunately it isn't.

It does sound to me like he is confused by the whole scenario on a number of levels, and perhaps drawn to it by the need to solve the puzzle. But, really, I discovered that at your son's age avoiding difficult situations was the best answer, and over time my son came to agree. Right now your son still can't tell why he gets upset, but once he has figured that out he will do better at choosing what situations to stay in and what to avoid, and learn to self-mitigate. And he really will slowly learn, but not by confronting situations where he has to interpret 30 situations at once. It is going to have to be one little step at a time.

You're doing a good job. It may not feel that way, but you are.

Thanks DW for the encouragement.

Well, the saga continues. Today, I watched a friend's little girl who is 4 yrs. old. She is a very sweet little girl. She was mostly playing on her own, and I did not try too much to push interaction with my son. I tried a little, but didn't want to force it. At first, everything was going okay, but the little girl wanted to play Candyland. I have tried to play Candyland with my son before, but he has ADHD issues, and just gets frustrated. So, I asked him if he wanted to play and he said no, so I left it at that. Well, I started playing Candyland with the little girl, and then he started getting agitated, and started coming over messing up the boardgame and trying to poke the little girl with the pieces. I told him nicely to stop, then he started up with his hitting and scratching me. I kept trying to redirect him so that I could finish the game. We hurried up and finished the game, and then everything went downhill from there. He kept just going up to the little girl for no reason and hitting her. I just kept trying to keep them separated so that he would stop. Then they started painting, and I got a phone call, so I left for one moment, then he threw the paint container at her. I calmed them both down, and then I asked him to apologize to her. He said he was sorry and then hit her again. Then when my friend came to pick her up, her other little girl who is only 2 came in for a minute, and was playing around, and he ended up going up to her and hitting her too for no reason!

I am at my wit's end. I don't know where all of this aggression is coming from. He is 5, and I have never seen this behavior like this. I don't know what is going on, he mainly just used to avoid the kids, but overall was nice to them. I don't know if today's episode was out of jealousy or not wanting to share his things.

Should I just give up ever having any other kids around him? When I asked him if he wanted the little girl to come over for a play date, he said yes. Thank goodness the girl's mom is one of my best friends and totally understands, but I am hesitant to invite any kids over. Since he is an only child, I feel that if I isolate him too much, it will just get worse. What do you guys think?

I'm sorry I have no advice only sympathy.My son started this a few months ago and it is just getting worse and worse.It is mostly towards myself,my husband and any grandparent who happens to be here once in a blue moon.I'm not sure what to do either.He seems jealous at times of other children maybe? Or is mad when we tell him no then becomes so out of control.I'll be interested to see anyones responses.

angelbear

I hope it is OK to post this website, I have found a lot of good social stories on it

Speaking of Speech
towards the bottom is one about having a play date. the pages of the story are each posted as a spearate link but you can download them all and print them off together. It might be a bit wordy for a 5 yo so you can modify as needed. The last page has some tips for play dates that look like they may be helpful for your situation. As DW said, little steps will eventually get you there.

angelbear,

we are having these issues also. I think it is a combo of 1) not understanding how you and the little girl can play Candyland nicely and he can't (jealousy) and 2) feeling left out and alienated. If you have playdates in the future try to find activities that you can all do together happily. If the girl wants to play Candyland or something else your son doesn't just say "I don't feel like playing that. Can we find a game we ALL want to play?" Try to look at play dates as social skills class for your son. Only do things at the play dates that are positive interaction for your son. Supervise and guide the two in playing nicely. If your son starts to get overwhelmed or starts acting out, end the play date then and there (call your friend to come get the girl). Always be proactive in guiding the interaction in a positive way. If your son does something mildly rude, guide him to say "I'm sorry" and happily move on without scorn.

Mama to Grace--I think you are right, it really wasn't intended to be a playdate, my friend just needed my help in watching her daughter. I think it was too long, because the little girl was here for 3 hours. This little girl is probably one of my best bets for having a playdate, so next time, I will try to limit the time.

On a more postive note, we had a birthday party for my son yesterday, (he turned 5) I had planned this party, but became concerned after his recent bouts of hitting. He was very excited about having the party, so I decided to go ahead with it. I had invited 5 kids, but a few baby siblings came too, ( I was nervous about that) But, my son did VERY WELL. It did get a bit noisy and chaotic, and my son left the room for awhile, but he never had a fit. I had intentionally planned that we would all go over to the pool for swimming and cake and ice cream by the pool. That was a great idea because he loves the pool. He did not really play with the kids too much, but he was polite, he thanked them all for coming, and did not hit anyone!! ! We sang happy birthday to him, and he blew out his candles and said that he made a wish. I was SO PROUD of him.

I just have to say that with the journey we have had for the last 5 years with my son, yesterday turned out to be a wonderful day!