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Horribly unsupportive family, can't stand it. 1, 2  Next  
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jametto
Snowy Owl
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 12:35 pm    Post subject: Horribly unsupportive family, can't stand it. Reply with quote

Well I'm constantly having meltdown family arguments on a weekly basis and it all comes from them basically imo not caring about my wellbeing whatsoever.
They love me and all that however there are huge factors affecting my life which to them seem insignificant. These are so huge for me that when they occur I feel suicidal and love the thought of never being born.

Basically for the past 2 years my sleeping patterns have been from 6am-3pm, something happened when I was 18 and I cannot FALL asleep till 5-7am.
If I go to bed any earlier I'll just lie wide awake doing nothing, I just can't zone out. So if I go to bed at midnight, I'll lie there for 5 hours until I sleep.
Also If I wake up at 10am on 4hrs sleep due to a dentist appointment or so i'll be incredibly tired and struggle to stay awake for hours. Then at around 6pm at night I'll finally wake up and be alert. Then the same thing happens if i go to bed any earlier before 6am or so I still will lay there awake until it hits 6am.
Also if I do an all nighter in an attempt to fix my sleeping pattern I can actually go to sleep (not easily but i can) at 11pm or so. But i'll wake up at 3am and not be able to fall back asleep after being awake for 2 days, it's ridiculous. Then I won't get tired to 6am again. There's no way to beat it.

Basically my father is extremely unsupportive and doesn't understand anything at all. I'll give a few examples.

He says it's all in my head (despite what's in front of his eyes), he says it's because I go out all the time drinking with mates and blah blah blah.
I go out because it's the opposite if I don't go out I get irritable/restless and find it even harder to sleep.
I've explained this to him and also the fact that I come home EVERY TIME before 3am as I can't go straight to bed after a night out, I need time to unwind and relax.
And like I said when I don't go out it's far worse. When I try and explain this to him he turns his head and laughs aggressively and calls it an excuse.


Also he disagrees with me on EVERYTHING. At first he used to listen but he doesn't even listen to what I say anymore and always says I'm wrong, and when I back him into a corner with facts he'll change topic directly to me not cleaning my room or something.
I managed to point out his ridiculous stereotypes at one point:

My sister is 14 and she snuck out to a friends house where they got drunk (my sister came home drunk and upset and whilst drunk and upset told my mum she drank at this guys house and the guy had inappropriate photos of her and her friends).

Dad cracked it goes over to the house and asks the boy about it. When I asked dad what happened when he went over there he said the boy doesn't know anything about it.

I asked "why"?

he then replied, he was a nice boy, shook my hand, said he'd be doing the same thing if he was me and he had a clean house.

I said that's the oldest line in the book and I can't believe you just trusted him (after a drunk sister said otherwise and denied it when sober the next day).

Dad then said "Nah I could tell he was nice (still taking it as truth) and his house was clean"

I then basically said "A clean house can't tell you if he's a good person".

Dad then said "A clean house tells you what type of people the family are"

I said "No it doesn't you can't just assume all clean people are good people, hitler was efficient and clean and he wasn't a good person. Sure some people are like that but not all.

I thought I had him then, finally pointed out his insaneness to him but he still found a way to rationalise it.

He goes "Your room is filthy and you don't have a job". Completely ignoring the contrasting hitler example I made.
But he's not trying to wriggle out of it, he actually thinks he's right. He'll find a situation that he can put to any of his ridiculous stereotypes.

I wasn't misinterpreting him or anything I asked him directly and his belief was "You can tell if a person is good or bad by the tidiness of their house".

So yeah it's been 2 years of me waking up no earlier than 3pm, I also express how they do nothing to help (they make incredible noise all night and day) and how I've given up on life and how much this sleep is affecting me. He just sighs and turns his head as though it's my fault, it's all in my head, it's because I go out, despite returning home 4hrs+ before 6am all the time which I've explained to him over 100 times now.

Another thing that happened today. I'm badly intolerant to gluten and casein, he bought salami that was gluten free but had milk in it. I said to him it's got milk in it, he said "oh are you going to eat it? I said "I can't". He gave me an angry cold look so I cracked the shits and said "wtf how can you EXPECT me to eat something that will make me sick" he said "Whatever I try and buy all this food for you and you always have a problem with something", me "I LITERALLY CAN'T EAT IT". He wasn't angry that he wasted money and time getting it he was angry at the fact I refused to eat something that would give me an allergic reaction.

Can someone please tell me wtf is wrong with him? How can he just discard facts due to his disbelief and have such ridiculous expectations?
I'm moving out of home due to my sleeping issues and he still doesn't get it. He thinks I'm moving out for other reasons or some crap.

He's not a bad person, he's loving does nothing but work his life away for us but his bad side is pretty evil. He's angry and is so so so negative.
I just can't get through to him no matter how hard I try. When I think I've proven him wrong right in front of his face, he rationalises it with an example of a situation but it still doesn't mean anything factually but does to him eg. Grandma is a nice person and her house is clean. That means all people who clean their houses are nice.

Can anyone help me out? Is anyone elses family like this? I'm mainly looking for some understanding, as he does my head in.

Sorry about the huge post it was fuelled by anger and frustration half the crap I want to talk about isn't even in there but it'll take to long to re edit it all, sigh.
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Followthereaper90
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

u have to get your own house for rent ..and also a job if u can hold one Smile
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jametto
Snowy Owl
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Posts: 130

PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 12:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually I better elaborate on what I mean by well being.

My little brother and sister are up to 3-5am every night on average as it's currently school holidays here.
Laughing, raised voices at full volume shutting doors hard, slamming cabinets etc.

I plead with all my heart to my parents for them to shut them up.
Mum says "they're on school holidays you know". So she does nothing about it.
But when my brother goes to bed at 10pm, mum tells me when I go out be quiet when coming back in as he has work tomorrow.
When I have work she doesn't care. Also at 3pm after school they come home and are extremely noisy and always wake me.

Our house is split into 3 sections basically which is the front area, middle area (living area kitchen etc) and the back area (3 bedrooms, bathroom).

I'm in the back area and so is my sisters bedroom, so after school they'll open the door between the back and middle area and come socialize in the all outside my bedroom and full volume, argue, shout, whatever. They will not compromise for me even 1%. The most annoying part is they don't shut that door between the back/middle area behind them and this is what keeps waking me my bedroom door alone can't block their noise. That door will also open and close once every 5 minutes (I'm not kidding) as they're constantly running around the house and can't sit still. At this point it's impossible to sleep so I get up and get angry and ask wtf is with all the noise.

I always get the same reply "f***ing hell it's 4pm during the day we're allowed to make noise".

I loved these people so much but now I am growing distant from them and am starting to realise they couldn't give 2 shits about me. They care about me lots and don't care about me at all. It doesn't really add up but that's how they are. I love the idea of killing myself just to give them a big f***ing wake up call I resent them so so much for their inconsideration. They just don't f***ing get it, they see it as little things, despite me telling them you're making me suicidal, I have to get scathing sometimes I've said horrible things because I have to keep going that extra mile hoping they'll finally understand but they never do. I've said things as bad as "The only reason I haven't killed myself right now is because it would devastate you, but you don't seem to care about me at all after me pleading continuously so why should I care about how you feel if I killed myself?

This isn't drama, this over 2 years is living hell and I've lost all enjoyment in life (poor sleep patterns cause severe depression) I never really liked life but now I detest it.
(Don't stress I'm not going to kill myself there's no point, the way I see it I may as well see what happens in these 60 or so years as the same thing will happen then).

Please don't turn this into a don't kill yourself seek help thread. I'm looking for help with my family.

Cheers.
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jametto
Snowy Owl
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 1:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Followthereaper90 wrote:
u have to get your own house for rent ..and also a job if u can hold one Smile


That's the dream mate, that 1 thing we all look forward to most.

I'm also as mild aspie as you can get and can do all the normal functioning in society crap.
The problem is I can't hold a 9-5 job with my sleep, but once I move out the sleep issues will disappear (they always do when im on holiday and that's even with noisy mates).

The problem is consistent noise in this house, the toilet is right next to my room and it is used every 30min from 7am-5am. And other things. It takes me at least 40min of true peace to zone out and that's IMPOSSIBLE in this house.
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happymusic
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 1:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, it might be better to get your own place if you can. It'd be different if your family were a little more supportive, but since they're not, maybe a little space would help.
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Wuffles
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 1:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jametto wrote:

The problem is I can't hold a 9-5 job with my sleep, but once I move out the sleep issues will disappear (they always do when im on holiday and that's even with noisy mates).


There are plenty of jobs that can be done evening or late nights. Heck, they usually pay better than day shifts too. Find a job that accommodates your sleeping patterns.

Getting your own place does seem to be the obvious answer.
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Followthereaper90
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 1:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wuffles wrote:
jametto wrote:

The problem is I can't hold a 9-5 job with my sleep, but once I move out the sleep issues will disappear (they always do when im on holiday and that's even with noisy mates).


There are plenty of jobs that can be done evening or late nights. Heck, they usually pay better than day shifts too. Find a job that accommodates your sleeping patterns.

Getting your own place does seem to be the obvious answer.
yes if i were u i would just look around a good place to rent and after that is shorted out u can have work, im sure u are gonna love living on your own Smile
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CockneyRebel
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that you should move out, as soon as possible. Things have been a lot better for me, since I've been living on my own.
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MotherKnowsBest
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have had issues with my family and their lack of support my whole life. (I'm getting on a bit now) It is only recently that I have found a kind of peace with them. It came from the realisation that they too are struggling with autistic traits, some more than others and that they too are human and stuff up. Is this a possibility for you? Could your parents also have problems putting themselves in your shoes? Can they help that any more than you can help being the way you are?
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lelia
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh dear. You need to get a night job, night guard would be good and it's easy. Then you need to sleep with ear plugs and head phones on. You can't make your family dance to your rhythms anymore than they can make you dance to theirs. I'm sorry.
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OneStepBeyond
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 3:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cant believe i actually read the whole way through a long post for once

why dont you try some more to sort out your sleep patterns. if youve been sleeping that way for 2years its going to take more than one night of going to bed at an earlier time to get your body used to it. i have dodgy sleeping patterns too but sometimes i stay for a week with people who sleep normally, which makes me go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time as them too. usually by the end of the week ive gotten into the habit and the days after i come back my body automatically wakes up and gets tired at the same times i slept/woke up during that week. i soon slip into old habits but my point is...you need to force yourself to go to bed and get up at the same time every day (even if you cant sleep at first) and after a couple of weeks it should replace your old sleeping pattern. at least it works for me anyway. i listen to quiet music on my mp3 player so it doesnt feel like im just lying there waiting to sleep. and having sometime to do/look forward to in the morning helps motivate you to get up out of bed too

as for the family thing i can kind of sympathise. my brother is the loudest most inconsiderate person ever. we live in a small place but he bangs around, comes in and out and has his tv on loud, at any hour of the day. he also argues with and shouts &swears at my mum loads- usually early in the morning. however... whenever hes alseep my mum has a go at me for making the slightest noise, because she doesnt want him to get waken up (because then hell either make loads of noise or go out and she'll be worried, and she has to get up early for work). sometimes she even acuses me of doing it on purpose when all im doing are unavoidable things- like closing the bathroom door or drying my hair because i want to go to bed. its like the whole house revolves around him- and that was only one example of how. sucks indeed. even more annoying because hes usually just a selfish prick anyway- why does he get special treatment. so yeah, i feel your pain, but i dont really know what you can do about it:/. family dynamics are an odd thing
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BlueMage
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Moving out is a great idea.

You need to let go of your need to be right and proving your dad wrong. When you are arguing with him it's not about logic and reason, it's about power and emotions, that's why you can't expect him to agree with you. Being right is about being "the man" and being in charge, your dad isn't going to hand over that kind of power.

I'm guessing like most parents he's insecure, over-worked, feels underappreciated. The way he acts is inconsiderate and does not make logical sense but that's what you have to work with. If he buys you food he wants a "thank you", not a "I can't eat this..." You don't owe him any thanks for food that'll make you sick, but if you want to make the situation better you have to take the higher road and try to understand where he's coming from and have sympathy for him.
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Todesking
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My family and I were watching some talk show I think it was the doctors, I do not remember but they were talking about autism then they started talking about Aspergers and its traits to watch out for and my parents were like thats you. They always knew I was a little bit off so at least they know why. They have been very supportive of me getting an evaluation in August. They always thought I was lazy because I have an above average IQ and only get low paying jobs. Embarassed They also thought that I fail at job interviews on purpose to get out of doing a job. Rolling Eyes Ya, so I could stay at a lower paying job and not take a safer easier better paying job.

Last edited by Todesking on Thu Jul 01, 2010 7:49 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Chronos
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:41 pm    Post subject: Re: Horribly unsupportive family, can't stand it. Reply with quote

I think your dad just can't argue with the fact that you're smarter than him.
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CockneyRebel
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My family's the same way. They like to argue, and if I call with bad news, they like to minimize my pain.
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