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Superficial friendship
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Jaejoongfangirl
Phoenix
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Joined: Oct 20, 2007
Posts: 578

PostPosted: Sun Jul 04, 2010 8:05 pm    Post subject: Superficial friendship Reply with quote

Though I had great difficulty interacting with others in a socially acceptable manner when I was younger, I can now make new friends easily.
People feel comfortable coming up and talking to me, I can talk to people, I can keep conversations going adequately well, and I get invited to events and places by others.

So, I feel comfortable saying that I can 'make friends,' but my problem is that I have never had a meaningful friendship with anyone besides my immediate family.

The friendship that I can achieve with others always feels superficial to me. I don't know how it feels for the other person. But this underlying superficiality really makes me feel sad and helpless - like I'm doing something wrong or (worse, and, I think, more likely) feeling something wrong when I interact with others.

But I just don't know what I should do to get past this superficial feeling.

I want to feel connected to others. But I don't know how... Sad

You can be blunt, sympathetic, confused, talk about yourself, give advice, rephrase, ask me personal questions, whatever. Just please be honest. I really am trying to articulate my dilemma in a way that is honest to myself. Any reply is valued.

I would love to be able to just talk about this with someone - I can't be the only person here with this issue. Thanks.
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Jaejoongfangirl
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Oct 20, 2007
Posts: 578

PostPosted: Sun Jul 04, 2010 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's like I can start-up a friendship just fine, but once I get to the point where the relationship could actually become something meaningful, I hit a road block and then I'm just stuck at that stage where there isn't much of a real connection between the two of us.
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Mudboy
Protector of the Mud
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Joined: May 20, 2007
Posts: 1104
Location: Hiding in Plain Sight

PostPosted: Sun Jul 04, 2010 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have tried a lot of different ways to get past that hurdle. I have not yet found a way to do it reliably. My successes seem to have been accidental. Trying to hard has ended up with people taking advantage of me.
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Mudboy
Protector of the Mud
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Joined: May 20, 2007
Posts: 1104
Location: Hiding in Plain Sight

PostPosted: Sun Jul 04, 2010 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have tried a lot of different ways to get past that hurdle. I have not yet found a way to do it reliably. My successes seem to have been accidental. Trying to hard has ended up with people taking advantage of me.
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Jaejoongfangirl
Phoenix
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Joined: Oct 20, 2007
Posts: 578

PostPosted: Sun Jul 04, 2010 11:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's uplifting. ):
Well, at least I'm not alone. Thanks for the reply, Mudboy.

I've overcome hurdles like this before. I just need to pin-point the problem so I can start working on it.

The first thing I need to do is figure out where to start. I think I might be subconsciously distancing myself from others because I'm afraid of them taking advantage of me if I do put myself out there. That sounds plausible at least. But it might be something else entirely.

Even if that is the reason why all my friendships seem to retain a superficial feeling, then I have another problem because I don't really know how to confront that issue head on without doing something foolish, placing my trust where I'm not certain I should place it. That seems so risky, I never want to force others to accept me. I feel like trust is something that should happen organically, not suddenly through a risky trial by fire. This is just so difficult...

I don't really talk about my diagnosis that often, though some of my friends do know about it. They tell me I seem pretty normal to them. In fact, I don't think that my AS is that huge of a deal for me anymore. Of course I haven't defeated it, or 'been cured' or any of that crap, but I have figured out how to navigate many of the difficulties it presents.

I've improved a ton, but in a way I feel even more ostracized now. I am socially aware. I can navigate conversations, seem likable to others - now with minimized stress on myself to 'preform' that I had in the past. But my AS adds an extra layer to me that it seems others can't relate to. My family is all Neurotypical. My friends are NT as well, or at least no one is diagnosed that I know of. I know a few other people with AS, outside of my immediate circles, but I really can't relate to them either.

There's that extra little wall between me an everyone else and I just... Sigh. It's just so difficult and maddening! I just wish I belonged to somewhere. Cliche and emo sounding, but this is honestly how I feel right now. Sad
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SaNcheNuSS
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Jul 01, 2010
Age: 32
Posts: 500

PostPosted: Mon Jul 05, 2010 4:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

friends down here, seem to be people that you use to get forward in life
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Miyah
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Jul 27, 2007
Posts: 771

PostPosted: Mon Jul 05, 2010 7:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jaejoongfangirl wrote:
That's uplifting. ):
Well, at least I'm not alone. Thanks for the reply, Mudboy.

I've overcome hurdles like this before. I just need to pin-point the problem so I can start working on it.

The first thing I need to do is figure out where to start. I think I might be subconsciously distancing myself from others because I'm afraid of them taking advantage of me if I do put myself out there. That sounds plausible at least. But it might be something else entirely.

Even if that is the reason why all my friendships seem to retain a superficial feeling, then I have another problem because I don't really know how to confront that issue head on without doing something foolish, placing my trust where I'm not certain I should place it. That seems so risky, I never want to force others to accept me. I feel like trust is something that should happen organically, not suddenly through a risky trial by fire. This is just so difficult...

I don't really talk about my diagnosis that often, though some of my friends do know about it. They tell me I seem pretty normal to them. In fact, I don't think that my AS is that huge of a deal for me anymore. Of course I haven't defeated it, or 'been cured' or any of that crap, but I have figured out how to navigate many of the difficulties it presents.

I've improved a ton, but in a way I feel even more ostracized now. I am socially aware. I can navigate conversations, seem likable to others - now with minimized stress on myself to 'preform' that I had in the past. But my AS adds an extra layer to me that it seems others can't relate to. My family is all Neurotypical. My friends are NT as well, or at least no one is diagnosed that I know of. I know a few other people with AS, outside of my immediate circles, but I really can't relate to them either.

There's that extra little wall between me an everyone else and I just... Sigh. It's just so difficult and maddening! I just wish I belonged to somewhere. Cliche and emo sounding, but this is honestly how I feel right now. Sad



I feel the same way you do when it comes to making friends but like you, they never seem interested in hanging out and they make excuses that they are busy. Yes, I know the feeling very well.
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Zara
Skyfish
Phoenix


Joined: Jun 24, 2007
Age: 33
Posts: 3133
Location: Deep Dungeon, VA

PostPosted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 4:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jaejoongfangirl wrote:

I've improved a ton, but in a way I feel even more ostracized now. I am socially aware. I can navigate conversations, seem likable to others - now with minimized stress on myself to 'preform' that I had in the past. But my AS adds an extra layer to me that it seems others can't relate to. My family is all Neurotypical. My friends are NT as well, or at least no one is diagnosed that I know of. I know a few other people with AS, outside of my immediate circles, but I really can't relate to them either.

There's that extra little wall between me an everyone else and I just... Sigh. It's just so difficult and maddening! I just wish I belonged to somewhere. Cliche and emo sounding, but this is honestly how I feel right now. Sad


I'm much the same way really. I used to be a lot more socially awkward, but over time I've gradually learned to act somewhat normal when out in the world... but I'm still a rather quiet person by nature. I can get by socially... not as well as others, but I can get by. Friendships are still mysterious to me. I know what you mean superficial friendships. I'm friends with some of my coworkers... but it's superficial. It just stays there and doesn't really go that far along. The few times I have let it go or pursued a bit further... I hit the awkward aspie wall and somehow mess things up. I really don't think I know how to have a close intimate friendship. I want to... I try to imagine how it would go all the time but I just don't know how to make it happen. I know deep inside I'm reluctant to open to up to others and it does hold me back sometimes. My apsie and obsessive tendencies don't help. I think NT people can still sense something odd about me despite my best efforts at appearing congenial.
Yeah, it'd be nice to feel like you belong somewhere. I kind of get that from my job, but I know that's only temporary.
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KaiG
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Jul 11, 2010
Age: 27
Posts: 1045
Location: Berkshire, UK.

PostPosted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I tend to have this problem too. I can only think of one or maybe two people who I didn't have this problem with. In their case, things seemed to flow pretty effortlessly, and we just sort of clicked.

One of them is the only person I've ever met in real life who I really respect as being more intelligent than myself, more erudite and more interesting. Maybe that's a contributing factor?
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chessimprov
Toucan
Toucan


Joined: Jun 12, 2010
Posts: 292
Location: Philly

PostPosted: Mon Jul 12, 2010 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good quality friendships are hard to come by. Most of the people you meet will be acquaintances or similar to that. I wouldn't necessarily brush off everyone you can't totally connect with, but sometimes you may end up doing one thing with one friend and another with another. Just rememebr htat a friendship is both ways, and if you're not sure about what decision to make, ask for more time or say that you can't do that event at this time. Hard to think of all that sometimes. . .
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