Making Big Mistakes with Friends

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How do you deal with "messing up" socially with friends (or acquaintances)? I don't mean making mistakes when they are around, I mean making mistakes that directly affect them - saying the wrong thing to them, carrying a joke too far, misinterpreting something in a way that has negative consequences. Insulting them by accident. Touching upon a subject that everyone else knows is best left to lie. Offending them. Anything like that.

It's rare that I actually want to spend time around another person, and if I do, I care a lot about them. I actually want them to be my friend. So when something like that happens, I feel like it's a huge deal, and that person would be better off if I just left them alone. I feel awful about whatever it is I've accidentally done. And worst of all, I feel like I have to earn back the right to be their friend.

What would your reaction be to making that kind of mistake? Do you ever feel like you have to "make up for it" or earn back their friendship to start deserving it again? What do you do?

If it's any consolation, apparently at least my close friends who know I am Aspie are understanding, and feel that I am making a bigger deal worrying about such things than they do in the long run. They do explain to me where they're coming from, and I explain what I thought, and we all eventually calm down. But yes, it feels horrifying. (This happened just the other week... Oough!) Maybe lay low for long enough that people become closer friends and appreciate you for yourself? Then they might understand?

Best thing to do is find understanding friends. Apologize for whatever it is you did/do, but make sure you understand what you did/do wrong. If you have friends who are willing to explain how you offended them you'll be more likely to learn how to prevent repeat scenarios.

Wise words in every respect, and I am grateful for the responses.
I have to add, though, that in general, the friends I have tend to be of the more understanding variety (after all, they have managed to somehow still be my friends despite... well... me). And that makes it worse, somehow, because I only feel more awful that I've made such a mistake, or done something unintentionally hurtful, to someone who is good and kind and tolerant to me.
The eggshells, perhaps, are in large part my own anxieties over doing, or having done, or potentially doing, such a thing.

ive made some pretty big mistakes with friends who were always good to me. and even though i did do it unintentionally i dont really think its their fault for not understanding. ive made some apologies anyway and am abit nervous to see how things all turn out. i find it hard to apologise because im often unable to give the explanation that usually goes with a good apology. but hopefully it will be enough anyway:/

A few of my friends refer to those sort of screw ups as me having an "Aspergers moment". They don't know about my long-standing suspicion that I may actually be an Aspie, and that I've had one psych tell me I probably am. I think that I worry most about whether people think what I've done wrong is intentional, rather than any actual hurt I've caused them.

I think in the end as most people don't change much, then for any long term friendships people have to accept you for who you are. In which case once they know you although they may be initially hurt or offended by your words when they realise that you didn't meant to intentionally hurt them. I am beginning to think with people its your intentions that matter at least as much as your actions.

I don't even have to make a mistake and I still loose friends

What about when they refuse to talk so you can see where the misunderstanding was?

What about when he assumes I should know exactly what he meant?

Maybe trying to be friends with unfriendly people is the bigger mistake?

I can only reply from the other side of the fence, being NT.

When I make mistakes myself, no matter how hard the heart pounds and how much you wish for a hole in the ground to appear and swallow you, its one thing to do. Apologise. When sincere people will forgive their friends for most slip ups. E.g accidents or misunderstandings or such. Anyone can slip up and everyone does at times.

As for having a friend with AS; yes he has managed to step onto touchy subjects and be alot more blunt in ways I have found almost cruel and unexpected at times with things he has said or done. The first times I did feel a bit hurt, but he apologised for a few, and ignored a few others. The only "mistake" he did (this being in the start - first year of our friendship) was having told me he had aspergers, but when I asked "Whats that?" he shrugged and said "a high functioning autism of sorts". I didnt think two times more of how this would affect him.

As I learned a bit more about his traits and difficulties, its alot easier for me to not just forgive any social mis-step or insult he may accidentally toss my way - It is no longer a need most of the time.

To me, knowing about his difficulties and such didnt create a gap between us. I realise it might be easier and seem a better option to strive to act normal and cover up the "madness" so to speak, but in the long run, for a close friend - its better for the both of you that you understand eachothers difficulties and can relax around eachother.

I know this didnt directly answer your concern, but I wanna wish you best of luck anyway.


Also remember again: Everyone messes up. From royalities, popstars, NTs, Aspies and cats.

If you have friends your a fraud and a phony, indecent even.

What can a 'friend' offer you that you can't get from your special interest or special friends (pets)


Have you had a run in with B 9 ( with his talking heads / silent head metaphor , their like a curiosity like a lava lamp, his right you know.....