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I need a male wife! 1, 2, 3  Next  
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Which of these is most romantic?
Giving roses.
2%
 2%  [ 1 ]
Cancelling plans to care for your violently ill boy/girlfriend instead.
86%
 86%  [ 33 ]
Giving a personally written poem.
10%
 10%  [ 4 ]
Total Votes : 38

LK
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl


Joined: Sep 14, 2009
Posts: 137
Location: Texas, near Houston

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 2:00 am    Post subject: I need a male wife! Reply with quote

Yes, this is only halfway serious and only happened because I was bored. However, I decided to post it anyway as it might amuse someone and/or receive replies that amuse me. If someone finds they fit the description of what I want and can stand the description of me, I will be shocked, interested, but shocked Shocked

My mother has been urging me to find a mate. She says I need someone to take care of me... and things. However, I disliked the few people suggested (I don't think they liked me either). This was troubling, so I studied the infallible articles on courtship and the “what wo/men want” pieces by well established journals such as Glamour and Redbook. After gathering a significant amount of obviously well-backed data, I came to a startling conclusion Idea The reason I have had no success in finding a mate, other than the fact that I have put next to no effort in meeting anyone, is that I need and desire something closer to what is typically wanted by males, and what I have to offer is closer to what males have to offer… according to journals such as Glamour and internet articles from sources I forgot or never knew in the first place.

So, after very seriously serious consideration, I have decided to seek a man-wife or wife-man… perhaps he-wife.

I am looking for a male between the ages of 18 and 26 who can cook, clean, remember to send out birthday and congratulatory cards that will include my name in them even if I never see them, has a sense of style (not that I would be able to tell if he didn’t- it’s for the family), does strange things such as arranging fruit, gives me obvious hints about what he wants for his birthday and still acts thrilled and surprised, appreciates the rare times I actually manage to surprise him and lets me feel proud of myself about it, is bad at mechanical things and math so I can feel smart and save the day, lets me be/feel in charge until I’m about to do something stupid then gently steers me in a different direction so as not to damage my mildly inflated ego, always chooses crying over yelling, has the ability to nag yet still be cute, can be the emotional one in the relationship, laughs at my jokes, genuinely thinks I’m brilliant in the things I take pride in and forgives the fact that I’m not good at anything other than the few things I obsess over, can help me finish and organize lists with his fantastic organizational skills…

To possible mate:
I will eat the food you cook, create messes for you to clean, forget things so you can remember them and shake your head at me, never complain about the way you decorate and change our living space so long as you leave me one old chair I can take refuge on, make an effort to get you things and do things to make you feel special, jump at any chance to solve your problems with appliances and never make you feel bad about not being able to handle them yourself (I have to rescue you from technical and mechanical problems because I’m entirely useless when it comes to pretty much everything else), take charge and make tough decisions when you’re unsure yet completely fold and let you have your way whenever you really want something, try not to yell at you and feel endlessly guilty if I ever hurt your feelings, deep sigh when you nag me but eventually do what you want, follow your emotional lead, let you improve me, but, if you’re sweet and can do all the things I listed, I will simply adore and praise you.

Now, no one can complain that I’m not putting myself out there. Twisted Evil
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While Mr. Kim... has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me.
- Dr. Sheldon Cooper (TBBT)
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Chronos
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Apr 23, 2010
Posts: 5234

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 2:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

During the course of my life I have come to conclude that romance means nothing unless it involves cleaning the kitchen.
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auntblabby
Chief Assistant to the Assistant Chief
Phoenix


Joined: Feb 13, 2010
Posts: 29357
Location: the island of defective toy santas

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 2:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i husband or wife of either gender would be fine with me Rolling Eyes
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quaker
Deinonychus
Deinonychus


Joined: Aug 16, 2010
Age: 48
Posts: 362

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 3:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

how funny......your seeking a male
wife for all the same reasons
I seek a femail husband.
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Mikelight
Velociraptor
Velociraptor


Joined: Sep 15, 2009
Age: 30
Posts: 401
Location: Tennessee

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OP I find your post extremely amusing, thanks for the laugh.
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musicboxforever
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Dec 22, 2009
Age: 50
Posts: 518

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 7:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In Scotland we call a husband like that a Sweetie-wife. Yes it's an actual thing.
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PaleBlueDotty
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker


Joined: Aug 05, 2010
Age: 45
Posts: 190

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why are you not snapped up yet???
Where's the catch??????

Laughing Laughing Laughing

No, seriously - the description of yourself reminds me soooo much of my first boyfriend.

sniff, i was so rotten and nasty to him, poor soul ( you know, the thing when two Aspies are in a relationship, having the best time of their lives talking about things nobody else is interested in and thinks of as nerdy and boring, but you two don't, and then one opens up about her/his emotional problems and the other one shows his heartfelt empathy by offering lots of different rational "strategies" to solve the problems, but all you actually want is a big bear-hug, but you don't know how to ask for it and he/she feels exactly what you need, but does not know how to offer it, and then you go mental at him/her and blame him/her for exactly the same problems that your Aspie-ness creates for you as well, but it is bloody 25 years ago and you both never heard about Asperger's, you know that kind of thing? ), and i hope from the bottom of my heart he found himself a lovely, appreciative wife and has a herd of kids, who crawl all over him - and i hope you will, too Very Happy (ok, husband in your case and kids are optional).
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ToadOfSteel
unlovable
Phoenix


Joined: Sep 24, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 6716
Location: New Jersey

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The only thing that pushes me into this man-wife territory is my need for affection (men are traditionally the stoic and unemotional ones in a relationship)... when it comes down to the division of duties, I tend to like fixing things and not so much about cooking and cleaning (although I know how to cook a few dishes). I'm not an outdoor person either, although if I lived further north I would be...
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musicboxforever
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Dec 22, 2009
Age: 50
Posts: 518

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My sister made my brother in law a packed lunch the other day and it was better than the packed lunch I had made for myself, so I said to him, "Hmm, I need to get myself a wife." She gets up with him at 5am and makes him breakfast as well. I want someone who'll do that for me. Mind you they've only been married for 2 months, so I think the getting up at 5am will wear off in time.
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Moog
Not currently a moderator
Forum Moderator


Joined: Feb 26, 2010
Age: 35
Posts: 17663
Location: Untied Kingdom

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I need a giant badger to snuffle at my trousers and do my ironing and hold my hand at the dentist. I'd feed him exclusively on pistachio ice cream and take him on romantic trips to D.I.Y. stores
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The_Face_of_Boo
A savage
Phoenix


Joined: Jun 17, 2010
Age: 32
Posts: 14762
Location: Beirut ,Lebanon

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 2:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, I am in.

But don't ever dare to say that you don't like my cooking!
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Pistonhead
Really That Big
Phoenix


Joined: Jun 16, 2010
Age: 24
Posts: 4732
Location: Bradenton, Florida

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What are the benefits for the man? I see only cons.
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==tOGoWPO==
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The_Face_of_Boo
A savage
Phoenix


Joined: Jun 17, 2010
Age: 32
Posts: 14762
Location: Beirut ,Lebanon

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pistonhead wrote:
What are the benefits for the man?


Sex.
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Pistonhead
Really That Big
Phoenix


Joined: Jun 16, 2010
Age: 24
Posts: 4732
Location: Bradenton, Florida

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is that it? If the first post is any indication that won't happen often Laughing
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"Some ideals are worth dying for"
==tOGoWPO==
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The_Face_of_Boo
A savage
Phoenix


Joined: Jun 17, 2010
Age: 32
Posts: 14762
Location: Beirut ,Lebanon

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You don't feed your donkey too much carrots often , don't you? Laughing
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