Hoping for advice

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I have a brother who is much younger than me who is also on the spectrum (specifically diagnosed with Autism.)

To give a little bit of background, he's 10 years old, no written communication skills and little in the way of verbal communication, he is able to repeat simple phrases and I think he has some understanding of them (using them in the correct circumstances.)

He seems to have a lot of difficulty in understanding the link between his actions and the consequences of them, example situation:

He likes to go shopping after he comes home from school (doesn't appeal to me, but whatever he wants I guess.) The condition is that he comes home from school, gets changed out of his uniform, goes to the toilet without much fuss then my mum takes him shopping.

The problem is that he often seems to find this very difficult to do, he'll throw his uniform around (he has to wear special orthopedic shoes and they *hurt* when he throws them) he'll hit me or mum, he'll shout and throw other things around and because of this doesn't get to go shopping. Once he realises he has missed out he is immediately apologetic "sorry" "no hit" "no throw shoes" so it seems there is some understanding of why he now can't get to do what he wants and what he needs to do.

I'm just hoping someone here has had similar experience (I knew someone else with Aspergers that had similar problems, he knew that if he did <action> then he'd get in trouble, but couldn't seem to stop himself doing it) and has some suggestions for what we could do, because we really have tried all we can think of (rewarding good behaviour, every method we can think of to explain it to him, talking to specialists at his school for suggestions.)

that's the million dollar question. if you figure it out let me know cause it seems impossible for me to get them to control themselves. apparently being consistent with the cause and effect should help but we are in the same boat. it seems no matter what we do, it doesn't work. and i know for a fact he KNOWS he can't do certain things, just chooses to ignore that and go ahead with the behaviour anyways. this is one of the most frustrating parts of dealing with autistic children in my experience.

I think this is one of the things like what we'd experience with DS in school. Essentially, he'd hold in every tiny little thing that bothered him at school, and then explode when he got home, losing all kinds of privileges along the way. We held him to the consequences of his actions, and that did not change his behavior one whit. I'm in process of reading the Complete Guide to Asperger's, and this situation is mentioned as common - that many Aspie kids will spend all day reviewing something that bothered them and getting more and more upset about it that they finally explode over something completely unrelated when they're safe and at home. I would imagine that this is even more true for someone who isn't able to express himself verbally.

The only thing that helps my son in this situation is solitude in a safe environment (his room.) Sadly, he really hates being alone, too, so this can be problematic. What we do is send DS to his room at the slightest indication that he's going to explode and let him know he needs to stay there with the door closed until he's calm enough to be able to follow through on whatever he's supposed to do; so, in the example you describe, my son would stay in his room until he's able to take off his uniform.

So, to answer your initial question - I'm no doctor or therapist, but I would guess that your brother's behavior has nothing to do with his understanding of the consequences and everything to do with him finally having a safe (for him) place to vent his frustration.

Hello there.

The problem is that your child/sibling is having an uncontrolled emotional reaction. This is commonly referred to as a meltdown. The problem here isn't a lack of connecting cause and effect. Your child/sibling knows full well that he shouldn't act the way that he does. The problem is just that he is too over-emotional to be able to properly control himself. And as such, he cannot effectively control his actions, even though he understands that there are negative repercussions associated with his actions.

Lets put it this way, imagine that I put you in a car and tell you to drive from California to New York. It would take you about 40 hours to drive that trip. Along the trip you would get tired, worn down, exhausted, and you would begin to drift off. Now you know full well that drifting off is NOT a good thing, and you also understand that there are negative repercussions (a crash) if you don't pay attention. But despite understanding that drifting off is a bad thing, you can't help it. You just can't keep your focus and drive all the way from California to New York, no matter how hard you try.

Blaming you for the inevitable crash because you couldn't keep it together for the 40 hour long drive is silly, because that expectation is well beyond your ability. Likewise, your child/sibling is lashing out because he is overwhelmed, and needs to release his emotional instability somehow. Trying to have him keep it all in is like telling a person who has been awake for 2 days to keep driving.

So, all that to say, if you want to work with your child/sibling, and get these emotional outbursts under control, then reward charts and discipline isn't really going to do much. That is like applying a band aid to a gaping wound. You really need to address the underlying problems with are uncontrolled stress, and uncontrolled emotions. Once your child/sibling has a better handle on that, then you will have far far fewer 'discipline problems'.

The good news is that there is a source of useful information which can help you with that. I recommend visiting http://www.ASDstuff.com and downloading the free book from there. About half the book is dealing with meltdowns, and it is full of useful information that helps you understand the source of the problem.

That was an awesome explanation Tracker.
I was thinking there is also the possibility that the tantrum/meltdown could just be part of his daily ritual. Its very difficult to break a ritual after it is established even if it can lead to something undesirable. The new center that my kids have been going to has a non verbal boy who stands by the coat rack every morning and screams and stomps his feet. They let him do this for awhile because it is part of his daily routine. Maybe you and your Mom could try explaining that he can yell but no throwing or hurting anyone.

He sounds like he is too over or under stimulated by the time he gets home and needs to get it out. He probably does not understand what he is feeling or how to appropriately get it out. I think you should try to create a different routine for him that allows him to get it all out as soon as he gets home. I wonder if he trying to create stimulation or is having an emotional response to being over stimulated.

Thanks for the replies (I'll definately have a look at the link you've suggested Tracker.)

Obviously our main problem is the verbal and written communication barrier, it's very difficult for us to try and explain to him what the problem is with his actions and likewise for him to explain to us what specifically is distressing him (is it the journey home, something about school itself, something about the routine of getting changed, etc, etc) and so what we can do to help with it (change how he comes home, change what is around when he is home, etc.)

It's great if the shopping is reward for good behavior. Then everybody is happy.

But if there's no good behavior and no shopping then nobody is happy.

So the challenge is how to change the criteria to something that's possible for him to achieve, then he'll achieve it, then he'll be happy, and everybody else's life will be easier too.

Kids are often very stressed by their experience in school. Maybe allow more time before the rules apply?

Psychologists and therapists seem to think that everybody's behavior can be manipulated with rewards and punishments. If the feelings are strong enough then kids aren't thinking about the consequences.