I need some help with this! (Husband has asperger's)

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Lately, it's gotten worse. He used to have interests like music, and plants...but now, he has become obsessed 24-7 only with enlightenment and tells me to consider him a buddhist monk. He rarely talks to me anymore unless it's about some monk's teaching or book about it. I feel really lonely. He always says no if I try to initiate affection or sex but when he initiates it he expects me to always say yes and I can't because then I feel used. He used to be so loving, never forgetting to say I love you or kiss me before leaving and then lately I have had to remind him. It seems like he ignores me and avoids me. He gets really easily annoyed too at anything that I say. This is driving me nuts. I think he only does this to me, and he isn't like this with people he works with. How can I get him to open up and be interested in other things? He has also changed his whole personality and now we have nothing in common. It looks like a midlife crisis but he's only 34. I don't feel the closeness we used to have. I have never seen him be this distant and obsessed, it is only recently this happened. What can I do??

I sometimes have deeper special interests that can really draw me out of a relationship. You have to either wait for him to spring out of it or force the issue. I would suggest you have a much dreaded "talk" with him. Sit down, give him a heads up on the subject and then tell him you just need more than the current levels of affection. Say the current dynamic isnt working. Push the issue and stress your unhappiness.

I can be jarred into doing better, so it's likely that he can as well.

I am very worried about any "talks." I know it will result in probably a big argument. Last time I had an issue I said to him, "is this a good time to bring up an issue?" he needs heads up and there are times he just refuses to discuss anything, so I found out I had to ask to find out if it was even a time he could talk about any issues at all. Then, I wrote it down for him. Maybe I can do that on this. I always really dread any kind of "talks" with him as it has not gone too well in the past. Any time I have a request he takes it as personal criticism, it seems to me. I am worried or scared he'll outright refuse and then not talk to me for like 3 days like last time!

This is a hard one. I have been accused of "shutting my husband out" and I too have taken it as personal criticism. It's only since I was diagnosed last summer that I have been willing to see this as something I might be able to look at "working on" *if* he is willing to give me some breathing room with my special interests and not pressure me too much. I would suggest a gentle approach, not fault-finding but telling him how you feel. Good luck...I hope he's receptive to it and remember, it's not personal. It never was with me.

~Kate

Well, ya, Ive done that too. But I accepted a long time ago that when I wasnt meeting expectations, I'd better listen up. You need to train him to listen up.

The first trick is to get his attention without jarring him. Pick a moment where he's clearly free and hit him with a "we need to talk". There is no polite way to register unhappiness. He won't like it. Oh well. You can't be in a relationship with someone you can't speak with. He needs to learn these skills.

If he shuts down and stops talking (been there), just have another go when you feel the time is right. You can't let him hide from it. Hopefully, over time, he'll learn to take his medicine. He's with an NT and he needs to meet certain standards. Just pick your moments and try to use a tone that isnt confrontational. Stress unhappiness over anger.

Thank you, I will try this technique and advice.

It is kind of rough because, I have bipolar disorder and he has asperger's disorder.
I have adjusted my communication and behavior during the course of the relationship and marriage though to be less jarring and emotionally charged, and to remain calm. Now that I have mastered remaining calm and not adding fuel to the fire, he says I have a condescending tone or that I sound like a manager at work! That is just me trying to be calm and rational.
A bipolar person tends to be very emotionally expressive and an asperger's person tends to not want to express their emotions...at least not the same way. A bipolar person likes to deal with problems in a direct way and immediately, and needs hugs and talking to recover from a fight. An asperger's person wants to avoid discussing problems and needs time to themselves to cool off after a fight. These are some of the differences.
So in some ways we have a bigger challenge than an NT(or someone without a disorder) and an asperger's. The good part is that we balance each other--he makes up for my faults and I make up for his, and we take on each other's habits. What he doesn't have enough of I have too much of and what he has too much of I don't have enough of, haha. Kind of like a tall person and a short person(and in fact, I am 5'3 and he is 6'1). Sometimes people wonder what would bring a bipolar and asperger's together and that is what I say. It can be hard, but it can help in some ways.

Ah...yes. My husband has ADHD and I have Aspergers, so he had a tendency to be more volatile and, well, loud, which used to overwhelm me a lot. He's learning not to do those things and I'm learning how to be more communicative, I hope. He also is impulsive and tends to say things he doesn't mean and I obsess about them constantly and that's not good either...having two people who have neurological "issues" can be even more of a challenge. I also have ADHD, but it's more the inattentive type.

Good luck to you.

~Kate

I didn't think I had anything to add to this discussion until I read "we need to talk" and "is this a good time to bring up an issue?"

For myself when I hear anything like that I start to get anxious, nervous, upset, defensive. I immediately know that this is defintely not going to be a pleasant conversation. Basically what you are telling him is that you know that he isn't going to like what you have to say, and you are going to do it any way. That doesn't sound like a good way to start off any conversation.

My suggestion is that you do not preface the talk at all. This is just another one of those things that I don't understand. Why do people have to say things like "It's time for us to have a discussion". Why not just start talking about just the same way as you would discuss anything else? Would you say this if you were going to have a conversation on one of his favorite activities? Probably not. After all the reason for wanting to talk to him is because you want to be with him, not without him.

I don't know if any of this will help you but I just wanted to say something because I was able to identify with your husband.

If you have a chance let us know how things worked for you.

irene

It does sound like he is having a midlife crisis. He is changing his identity and trying to figure out who he is. Unfortunately, he has left you in the dust instead of bringing you with him. My only suggestion is to try and see the world he now sees it and try to relate to him in those terms. This might be difficult. I really hope that things work out between you.

Really though, AS is no excuse to treat a spouse poorly. Part of becoming a more enlightened person is to be more selfless and to question ourselves in our treatment of others, to realize the needs of others and in some instances, put those needs above the needs of ourself. If your husband cannot realize such key points, he has a very long way to go on his path.

Red, I'm sorry this has happened to your marriage. Loneliness in marriage is the deepest loneliness I've experienced. In all honesty, there is nothing YOU can do to change your husband.

I believe this is a universal truth; no woman can pull, coax, coerce, threaten or stroke a man back into an affectionate marriage once he has left of his own free will. That he is an aspie does not negate free will or manhood.

Reclaim your ability to self soothe. Allow yourself to mourn this real loss. Then start your own path to joy. This can be done with or without sharing your home with your husband. Please don't allow yourself to clamor for unoffered affection, as this extinguishes respect; his respect of you; your respect of him and self respect. Without respect you cannot be good to yourself. Be good to yourself.

The best way to deal with that kind of stuff is upfront confrontation. Tell him "this is driving me crazy and I'm not willing to listen to this anymore. Talk about something else or I'm going out to talk with someone else about something else." Yeah were obsessive but we'll get the message when we're being annoying.

Yah, I think you're just going to have to have an argument over this one. You can probably even say it to him beforehand, just matter-of-factly;

"we're probably going to have an arguement over this. I don't want to but you've been driving me crazy for the last number of weeks"

It's probably not what the couples counselling books suggest, but I find it helps. Also, saying what I feel in words also helps rather than getting stressed out trying to appear calm or hoping he'll pick up that you're upset (plus, if you are angry and try to pretend you're not it doesn't sound sincere).

And yeah, you'll have an argument, maybe a big nasty one and you'll be pissed off at each other for a while, but then the air will clear and you'll both know where you honestly stand on the topic and if you care about each other, things will change and it'll be plain sailing till next time. That's how I find it works anyway.