My experience with abusive relationships

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ZeroGravitas
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27 Mar 2011, 3:57 pm

My first relationship was at 21 years old. She was bipolar, on ritalin, and extremely smart. She had moved in with me an a room-mate, and within two weeks we were dating.

I bought $300 worth of her textbooks for the upcoming semester.

Within a month of us starting to go out, she proposed to me. I accepted, thinking this normal.

Within a month of that, she had closed my bank account over the phone, set up a joint account to which my only access was the ability to deposit my checks into it, and had started to physically throw me out of the house, often giving me no time to put on a coat.

One day she told me "I have something to tell you. Promise you won't get angry." She told me that she had stopped going to school within the first week of the semester. I was shocked because when I got home she would tell me about her classmates and professors and such.

"You didn't notice that I was texting you from when I supposedly was in class?" I didn't.

She would stockpile her ritalin and abuse it on weekends, becoming very manic, then violent when she crashed.

She developed a habit of breaking up with me on a weekly basis, often literally kicking me out the door. Then, a few hours of wandering around in the cold in a T-shirt later, calling me to apologize.

At one point she scheduled an appointment for her ritalin dosage to be increased to adderol. She came home and told me "I was sitting there in the waiting room and thought to myself 'ZeroGravitas wouldn't lie to get a stronger amphetamine!' and I told the shrink I was fine."

A week later, she went back, pretended to have built up a resistance to her dosage, and got onto adderal.

At this point her moodswings increased, and she became more violent.

One day, after a 12 hour shift, I came home and took a nap. I woke up to her screaming at me from the kitchen. She threw an ashtray at me, then a barbeque fork which impaled my foot.

We spent Christmas at her aunt's house. In the middle of the night she woke me up screaming that I was snoring too loudly. She pushed and kicked me into her car, drove while screaming at me and breaking up with me all the way back to our house, and left me at home. An hour later she came back and apologized, crying profusely.

A week or so later, she moved into her aunt's house and only came by on thursdays to pick up my paychecks. She left me enough money to buy potatoes and onions and about two packs of cigarettes a week.

We spent Valentine's Day at her aunt's house. She woke me up the next morning screaming, threw my shoes into the snow, and told me to walk home.

I began walking. Some time later she screeched to a halt behind me, opened her door, and shouted "You have no idea how much I wanted to run you over. Get in. You were walking the wrong way anyway."

She got onto the highway and began telling me she was going to drive me up to Canada and leave me in the forest like a dog. Shouting, punching me, screaming insults.

At one point she tried to strangle me. Her hands kept bouncing around, and I was terrified that we would crash into the median. She started flailing her hands, I grabbed the wheel to keep us straight, and she tore at me. This caused us to veer right into a Cadillac Escalade at around 65 mph, spin a bit, and come to a halt in the middle of the road.

Cue panic attack. When the cops arrived they saw my scratched face and asked if we had been fighting. I was told that another car said that I had purposely jerked the wheel. He said that if anyone in the other car (containing kids) had been injured in the slightest, I would have been arrested because of what the witness said.

We managed to get back to her aunt's house. There, she kicked me to the floor and kicked me in my ribs while screaming that I had tried to kill us both. At one point she told me she was going to try to get me committed. I was hyperventilating, panicking, constantly reliving the accident.

We did not break up then. She apologized.

About three months later, my family came up to visit me and were horrified to see that I was gaunt, pale, and afraid. They helped me find another apartment and move in, they helped me escape from her.

I was then single for over a year and a half. I was terrified that if I tried to date again, I would be skewed into finding another woman like her. This was my one relationship, and I would think that it was normal. This prospect terrified me.

It took a few months to get comfortable walking on carpets with my shoes on, because she used to scream at me for doing so.

Oh, the joint account had $8,000 in it. It disappeared within a month after breaking up with her. When I created a new account at the same bank, they were linked. For two years she would go into overdraft on her account, and I would get the money deducted from my own private account. For over two years I tried to get my name off the account, or the account closed, to no avail.

I met my next girlfriend online. My friend and his wife had invited me over to a turkey dinner. When I got there, they told me that they had created a few profiles for me, and wouldn't give me any food until I sent and received a few messages.

She was smart, gentle, and sweet. The polar opposite of my fiancee. Enough time had elapsed for me to review all the unhealthy things about my past relationship, and remove any lingering attraction to similar women.

We dated for about 8 months. Her gentleness helped heal my wounds. When she graduated with her Masters in English Lit, she moved to another city to get her PhD. I offered to come with her, she refused, afraid that I would be afraid of commitment. Two of her ex-boyfriends had proposed to her, only to break up with her a short while later asking "you thought I was serious?"

I helped her pack, and saw her drive off. It was the kind of breakup where we were both depressed and regretful for months.

I was single then for around 2.5 years, until I was asked out by my current girlfriend. She is also smart, funny, gentle, and highly educated. It seems I have learned all my lessons very thoroughly, and am asymptotically approaching a normal, sane, healthy relationship.

I think we aspies have a much higher likelihood of entering abusive relationships, simply because we don't have anything to compare them to. Only after being in one, and then spending a long time along thinking about it, did I fully learn the warning signs so I could avoid entering another one.

Has anyone else here had a similar progression from unhealthy relationships to sane ones?


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RainingRoses
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27 Mar 2011, 4:43 pm

ZeroGravitas wrote:
Has anyone else here had a similar progression from unhealthy relationships to sane ones?

Yes, definitely. But, while I certainly don't mean in any way to minimize the horror of the first relationship you describe, that kind of thing actually appealed to me when I was that age. I don't know why I searched out that chaos and put myself through it. I guess that was at a point in my life when I confused severe mental instability with passion, which is what I truly found attractive. I'm in a much better/healthier place today. I'll admit, though, that I miss some of the unpredictability at times and end up doing (or nearly doing) some very destructive things in order to taste it again.


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techstepgenr8tion
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27 Mar 2011, 5:43 pm

I think I've lucked out in a way - abusers avoid me, apparently they can tell that the won't get too far.

That's a hell of a story though, really sorry you went through that but also that's another reason why I'm very particular on who I'll let into my life. Its not that I have people clamoring to get in but still, there are many far worse alternatives to singlehood.


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blueroses
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27 Mar 2011, 6:05 pm

ZeroGravitas wrote:
I think we aspies have a much higher likelihood of entering abusive relationships, simply because we don't have anything to compare them to. Only after being in one, and then spending a long time along thinking about it, did I fully learn the warning signs so I could avoid entering another one.


Maybe we should all share signs and kind of create a list, for those with less experience in this area? I mean, your story is full of red flags, I know, but it still might be helpful to have them spelled out. And, I think there are signs of abusive relationships that are not as dramatic or obvious as some of the ones in your story and, as such, are easier to miss.



RICKY5
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29 Mar 2011, 6:14 pm

YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK!

And folks wonder why I like escorts better.



YY
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29 Mar 2011, 9:07 pm

Quote:
Within a month of us starting to go out, she proposed to me.


Relationship rule #1. When the above happens, RUN!



billsmithglendale
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30 Mar 2011, 1:05 pm

The sad part about stories like these (aside from the usual misery associated with domestic abuse) is that they seem to crop up here a lot at WP. It makes me think that a lot of Aspies settle for substandard relationships, either out of desperation or complete naivete.



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30 Mar 2011, 2:40 pm

Both my relationships sucked but I wouldn't say they were abusive even if the boxes click for emotional abuse in my last one but he worried too much what people thought so it made him act that way and he had AS too and PTSD.



Markmagnum
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18 Apr 2011, 6:05 pm

Damn, man I feel ya. I seem to attract really disturbed and psychotic women since high school. Now, I'm paranoid and tend to be selective about which women I'm attracted too. The real evil and abusive women tend to seem the most innocent and be the prettiest.



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19 Apr 2011, 12:19 am

wow that's beyond psycho. How people put up with nonsense like that, I'll never figure out.



300series
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22 Aug 2017, 11:05 pm

I had an abusive relationship a few years ago, but it was not like the original poster's experience.



I met my abusive ex-girlfriend 3 years ago at a social meeting on my 29th birthday, and after we introduced ourselves, we exchanged our telephone numbers & E mail addresses. She seemed like a very nice young lady when we first met, and we had a great time together during the first year of our relationship. We used to go to the mall, have lunch together, see movies together, and go to all of the department stores in the mall. She introduced me to her family, and I introduced her to my family, and we all seemed to like each other. We even went to the annual Summer fair together, and we also went to a San Diego Padres baseball game together. Every day, we always talked on the telephone, and I would always E mail her every night before I went to sleep. That year, she came over to my apartment for Thanksgiving dinner, and I went to her house for Christmas. Things were going great, and I was really happy. I even deleted my profiles on the online dating services I was using.



The next year, 2015, our relationship began to decline, and it just continued to get worse & worse until it ended.



In February, 2015, my work schedule changed, and I could not go with her to the social functions or see her as often as I used to see her, which made her angry.



On my 30th birthday, my grandfather bought me a new condominium as a gift. I invited my girlfriend out to dinner to celebrate my 30th birthday, and I told her the news that I was moving. She wanted to move in with me & marry me. My Dad knew that I never wanted to get married, and he & I were both uncomfortable with someone living with me. He contacted her father & told him what she said at dinner. Her father did not want her moving in with me either, and he confronted her about it & said that she could not move. She took it very hard. It was also during this time when my affection for her started to decline.



I could not actually move until 6 months later because of legal issues regarding the sale of the property, so I stayed in my apartment in the meantime. I started to get extremely depressed about not moving & suffering in this abusive relationship to the point that my antidepressant medication stopped working. I could not eat, sleep, or even stand up straight. I started crying all the time, and I could not feel pleasure; everything in my life was going wrong. I went to my doctor & was put on many new medications, and they made me feel even worse than before, so I went back to my old antidepressant.



When I finally moved in to my new place, I was not any happier. My girlfriend was constantly calling me, and she always cried whenever I missed her call. She was also angry with my Dad, and she would get mad at me whenever I spent time with him. She even threatened to leave me if I ever spoke to him again.




I saw her for the last time on Halloween night 2015; we went to the mall to see a movie. She seemed nicer to me, and I thought things may improve between us. I was wrong; however, because the next day, she demanded that I take her to the San Diego Zoo, but I had already made plans with my Dad. She called me constantly that day, and I refused to take her calls because she made me cry badly that day.



Five days later, she called me & said she did not want to see me any more, and we broke up. She told her father that I sexually abused her, and he E mailed my Dad about it. This was false, and I think she just said it to get me in trouble.



Even over a year after the relationship ended, I was still very depressed. It has only been about six months that I fully recovered & started to feel better. I am finally happy again & back to my old self again. I would still like to meet a woman, but I am even more selective & cautious about who I will date.



It was the worst experience of my life!



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22 Aug 2017, 11:13 pm

I'm sorry you had to go through all that.



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26 Aug 2017, 2:26 pm

League_Girl wrote:
Both my relationships sucked but I wouldn't say they were abusive even if the boxes click for emotional abuse in my last one but he worried too much what people thought so it made him act that way and he had AS too and PTSD.



Newsflash, I realize my last one was abusive and I was in denial about it then and using excuses for his behavior and how he treated me. I don't do that anymore and he had borderline personality disorder, very similar to NPD.


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26 Aug 2017, 3:36 pm

:evil:

300series wrote:
I had an abusive relationship a few years ago, but it was not like the original poster's experience.



I met my abusive ex-girlfriend 3 years ago at a social meeting on my 29th birthday, and after we introduced ourselves, we exchanged our telephone numbers & E mail addresses. She seemed like a very nice young lady when we first met, and we had a great time together during the first year of our relationship. We used to go to the mall, have lunch together, see movies together, and go to all of the department stores in the mall. She introduced me to her family, and I introduced her to my family, and we all seemed to like each other. We even went to the annual Summer fair together, and we also went to a San Diego Padres baseball game together. Every day, we always talked on the telephone, and I would always E mail her every night before I went to sleep. That year, she came over to my apartment for Thanksgiving dinner, and I went to her house for Christmas. Things were going great, and I was really happy. I even deleted my profiles on the online dating services I was using.



The next year, 2015, our relationship began to decline, and it just continued to get worse & worse until it ended.



In February, 2015, my work schedule changed, and I could not go with her to the social functions or see her as often as I used to see her, which made her angry.



On my 30th birthday, my grandfather bought me a new condominium as a gift. I invited my girlfriend out to dinner to celebrate my 30th birthday, and I told her the news that I was moving. She wanted to move in with me & marry me. My Dad knew that I never wanted to get married, and he & I were both uncomfortable with someone living with me. He contacted her father & told him what she said at dinner. Her father did not want her moving in with me either, and he confronted her about it & said that she could not move. She took it very hard. It was also during this time when my affection for her started to decline.



I could not actually move until 6 months later because of legal issues regarding the sale of the property, so I stayed in my apartment in the meantime. I started to get extremely depressed about not moving & suffering in this abusive relationship to the point that my antidepressant medication stopped working. I could not eat, sleep, or even stand up straight. I started crying all the time, and I could not feel pleasure; everything in my life was going wrong. I went to my doctor & was put on many new medications, and they made me feel even worse than before, so I went back to my old antidepressant.



When I finally moved in to my new place, I was not any happier. My girlfriend was constantly calling me, and she always cried whenever I missed her call. She was also angry with my Dad, and she would get mad at me whenever I spent time with him. She even threatened to leave me if I ever spoke to him again.




I saw her for the last time on Halloween night 2015; we went to the mall to see a movie. She seemed nicer to me, and I thought things may improve between us. I was wrong; however, because the next day, she demanded that I take her to the San Diego Zoo, but I had already made plans with my Dad. She called me constantly that day, and I refused to take her calls because she made me cry badly that day.



Five days later, she called me & said she did not want to see me any more, and we broke up. She told her father that I sexually abused her, and he E mailed my Dad about it. This was false, and I think she just said it to get me in trouble.



Even over a year after the relationship ended, I was still very depressed. It has only been about six months that I fully recovered & started to feel better. I am finally happy again & back to my old self again. I would still like to meet a woman, but I am even more selective & cautious about who I will date.



It was the worst experience of my life!

she could have just worked with you to find a better day. If I need to leave my lover, I make a point to be flexible.



300series
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27 Aug 2017, 12:28 am

AngelRho wrote:
:evil:
300series wrote:
I had an abusive relationship a few years ago, but it was not like the original poster's experience.



I met my abusive ex-girlfriend 3 years ago at a social meeting on my 29th birthday, and after we introduced ourselves, we exchanged our telephone numbers & E mail addresses. She seemed like a very nice young lady when we first met, and we had a great time together during the first year of our relationship. We used to go to the mall, have lunch together, see movies together, and go to all of the department stores in the mall. She introduced me to her family, and I introduced her to my family, and we all seemed to like each other. We even went to the annual Summer fair together, and we also went to a San Diego Padres baseball game together. Every day, we always talked on the telephone, and I would always E mail her every night before I went to sleep. That year, she came over to my apartment for Thanksgiving dinner, and I went to her house for Christmas. Things were going great, and I was really happy. I even deleted my profiles on the online dating services I was using.



The next year, 2015, our relationship began to decline, and it just continued to get worse & worse until it ended.



In February, 2015, my work schedule changed, and I could not go with her to the social functions or see her as often as I used to see her, which made her angry.



On my 30th birthday, my grandfather bought me a new condominium as a gift. I invited my girlfriend out to dinner to celebrate my 30th birthday, and I told her the news that I was moving. She wanted to move in with me & marry me. My Dad knew that I never wanted to get married, and he & I were both uncomfortable with someone living with me. He contacted her father & told him what she said at dinner. Her father did not want her moving in with me either, and he confronted her about it & said that she could not move. She took it very hard. It was also during this time when my affection for her started to decline.



I could not actually move until 6 months later because of legal issues regarding the sale of the property, so I stayed in my apartment in the meantime. I started to get extremely depressed about not moving & suffering in this abusive relationship to the point that my antidepressant medication stopped working. I could not eat, sleep, or even stand up straight. I started crying all the time, and I could not feel pleasure; everything in my life was going wrong. I went to my doctor & was put on many new medications, and they made me feel even worse than before, so I went back to my old antidepressant.



When I finally moved in to my new place, I was not any happier. My girlfriend was constantly calling me, and she always cried whenever I missed her call. She was also angry with my Dad, and she would get mad at me whenever I spent time with him. She even threatened to leave me if I ever spoke to him again.




I saw her for the last time on Halloween night 2015; we went to the mall to see a movie. She seemed nicer to me, and I thought things may improve between us. I was wrong; however, because the next day, she demanded that I take her to the San Diego Zoo, but I had already made plans with my Dad. She called me constantly that day, and I refused to take her calls because she made me cry badly that day.



Five days later, she called me & said she did not want to see me any more, and we broke up. She told her father that I sexually abused her, and he E mailed my Dad about it. This was false, and I think she just said it to get me in trouble.



Even over a year after the relationship ended, I was still very depressed. It has only been about six months that I fully recovered & started to feel better. I am finally happy again & back to my old self again. I would still like to meet a woman, but I am even more selective & cautious about who I will date.



It was the worst experience of my life!

You should have gone to the zoo. When things take a sudden turn for the better and someone asks you out for the day like that, it means they are trying to break up with you on good terms. You didn't leave her that option. I'd be pissed, too.

Though to be fair, she could have just worked with you to find a better day. If I need to leave my lover, I make a point to be flexible.





WHOEVER YOU ARE, "ANGELRHO", IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY, THEN SAY NOTHING AT ALL!



YOUR OBNOXIOUS COMMENT IS NOT HELPFUL AT ALL!



AngelRho
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27 Aug 2017, 6:00 am

300series wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
:evil:
300series wrote:
I had an abusive relationship a few years ago, but it was not like the original poster's experience.



I met my abusive ex-girlfriend 3 years ago at a social meeting on my 29th birthday, and after we introduced ourselves, we exchanged our telephone numbers & E mail addresses. She seemed like a very nice young lady when we first met, and we had a great time together during the first year of our relationship. We used to go to the mall, have lunch together, see movies together, and go to all of the department stores in the mall. She introduced me to her family, and I introduced her to my family, and we all seemed to like each other. We even went to the annual Summer fair together, and we also went to a San Diego Padres baseball game together. Every day, we always talked on the telephone, and I would always E mail her every night before I went to sleep. That year, she came over to my apartment for Thanksgiving dinner, and I went to her house for Christmas. Things were going great, and I was really happy. I even deleted my profiles on the online dating services I was using.



The next year, 2015, our relationship began to decline, and it just continued to get worse & worse until it ended.



In February, 2015, my work schedule changed, and I could not go with her to the social functions or see her as often as I used to see her, which made her angry.



On my 30th birthday, my grandfather bought me a new condominium as a gift. I invited my girlfriend out to dinner to celebrate my 30th birthday, and I told her the news that I was moving. She wanted to move in with me & marry me. My Dad knew that I never wanted to get married, and he & I were both uncomfortable with someone living with me. He contacted her father & told him what she said at dinner. Her father did not want her moving in with me either, and he confronted her about it & said that she could not move. She took it very hard. It was also during this time when my affection for her started to decline.



I could not actually move until 6 months later because of legal issues regarding the sale of the property, so I stayed in my apartment in the meantime. I started to get extremely depressed about not moving & suffering in this abusive relationship to the point that my antidepressant medication stopped working. I could not eat, sleep, or even stand up straight. I started crying all the time, and I could not feel pleasure; everything in my life was going wrong. I went to my doctor & was put on many new medications, and they made me feel even worse than before, so I went back to my old antidepressant.



When I finally moved in to my new place, I was not any happier. My girlfriend was constantly calling me, and she always cried whenever I missed her call. She was also angry with my Dad, and she would get mad at me whenever I spent time with him. She even threatened to leave me if I ever spoke to him again.




I saw her for the last time on Halloween night 2015; we went to the mall to see a movie. She seemed nicer to me, and I thought things may improve between us. I was wrong; however, because the next day, she demanded that I take her to the San Diego Zoo, but I had already made plans with my Dad. She called me constantly that day, and I refused to take her calls because she made me cry badly that day.



Five days later, she called me & said she did not want to see me any more, and we broke up. She told her father that I sexually abused her, and he E mailed my Dad about it. This was false, and I think she just said it to get me in trouble.



Even over a year after the relationship ended, I was still very depressed. It has only been about six months that I fully recovered & started to feel better. I am finally happy again & back to my old self again. I would still like to meet a woman, but I am even more selective & cautious about who I will date.



It was the worst experience of my life!

You should have gone to the zoo. When things take a sudden turn for the better and someone asks you out for the day like that, it means they are trying to break up with you on good terms. You didn't leave her that option. I'd be pissed, too.

Though to be fair, she could have just worked with you to find a better day. If I need to leave my lover, I make a point to be flexible.





WHOEVER YOU ARE, "ANGELRHO", IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY, THEN SAY NOTHING AT ALL!



YOUR OBNOXIOUS COMMENT IS NOT HELPFUL AT ALL!

I'm dead serious. If you ever read my posts when the break up topic comes up, that's almost word-for-word what I tell people to do. Go to the zoo, park, or somewhere meaningful, like maybe where you went on your first date, or where ever you where when you became "official." First kiss, whatever. Set aside an entire day. Make it super nice. At some point in the early to mid afternoon, you find a place to sit down. Keep the usual chit-chat going, then drop the bomb. Just like that. Be prepared for whatever happens next, but stay calm and keep your whits. There might be tears, there might be screaming. But you try to end things on good terms if at all possible. Whatever happens, it's definitely over and done by sunset. You make a day of it because you don't know what's going to happen. You don't just dump someone and run. You see it through all the way to the end.

I tell everyone that. Good grief, it's like this girl was reading my playbook.

I'm not saying how she treated you was right, though. It looks to me like trying to leave you gracefully was the only good thing she had going for her. Decent people wouldn't lose patience like that. She should have worked things out first, figured out when YOU were free/didn't have plans, and scheduled a breakup date accordingly. She tried to be nice toward the end, which is good. But heinous people never can keep that act up for long.

At any rate, congrats on getting away from an abusive person.