gailryder17
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 16, 2011
Age: 16
Posts: 1024
Location: Los Angeles
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 Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 1:07 am Post subject: Poem about "feelings" |
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The want for, the yearning for, the need for, I don't know.
All I know is what I yearn for, I need more,
the rush of the drug that leaves you low
and I wonder what this was even for.
The want, yes, opposite of evanescent
With description of feeling, one can never be too pedantic.
Standing near desks under lights of fluorescent
The need, the thought, now, becoming frantic.
The smile and the sapphire-jade spyglass
Inducing a magical hypnosis
This euphoric high, no, it can't, it won't last,
need to escape, need to feel, need to focus.
The inviting sight, which I would encircle my arm
The enticing welcome and smell of the clothes
But it's this strange risk of an abstract harm
That I, that one simply loathes
So I stand back, distant
Distract myself with the ceiling patterns above
Although my thoughts come in an instant
Of how one could express an emotion like love.
Thoughts on this poem? |
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Ambivalence
The Obvious Factor
Joined: Nov 09, 2008
Posts: 3638
Location: Peterlee (for Industry)
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| Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 5:32 pm Post subject: Re: Poem about "feelings" |
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| gailryder17 wrote: | | Thoughts on this poem? |
Don't try so hard to rhyme. If you find yourself twisting words into shape to make the thing rhyme, stop, and think of some other way to get your point across; don't go with a quick-and-dirty compromise. That aside, it's quite good.
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No one has gone missing or died.
The year is still young. |
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all_white
Spells "colour" like a true Brit
Joined: Mar 13, 2011
Posts: 3142
Location: Sassenach in Scotland
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| Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 5:44 pm Post subject: Re: Poem about "feelings" |
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| Ambivalence wrote: | | gailryder17 wrote: | | Thoughts on this poem? |
Don't try so hard to rhyme. If you find yourself twisting words into shape to make the thing rhyme, stop, and think of some other way to get your point across; don't go with a quick-and-dirty compromise. That aside, it's quite good. |
I do agree with your analysis but since the poet is only 14, it may be a bit harsh.
It reminded me of the poems I wrote when I was about the OP's age: trying a bit too hard to think of posh words to express a simple thing I wanted to say. It's something you generally grow out of, and there's no harm in it. It's fun. 
It's hard writing a poem about your inside private thoughts and then sharing them with everyone. It makes you feel vulnerable.
Were you looking for a technical analysis on general tips on how to improve your poetry, or feedback on what the poem was actually about and what it made us think? Or both?
I am not really sure if I'm right, but were you saying you feel sort of restless and want to find love, but at the same time you feel it would stifle you because too much intimacy is too much for your Aspieness?
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"Those that wish to be clean, clean they will be; and those that wish to be foul, foul they will be." |
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gailryder17
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 16, 2011
Age: 16
Posts: 1024
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 5:49 pm Post subject: |
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| I usually write better without rhyme, but I decided to give it a try here. |
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all_white
Spells "colour" like a true Brit
Joined: Mar 13, 2011
Posts: 3142
Location: Sassenach in Scotland
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| Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 6:19 pm Post subject: |
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There's nothing wrong with writing without rhyme, but if you want to practice, a good way is to summarise to yourself what you want to say before you actually choose the words to say it. Write a plan of the ideas you want to convey, of what you're feeling at the time, and then go about choosing your words, rather than being forced to allow the words manipulate you into changing your meaning just because you couldn't find a different rhyme. Don't let those darn words manipulate you! You are in charge of them, not the other way round! Poems are often like stories: they can have a beginning, middle, and end, and a progression of ideas, that means they keep moving instead of getting stuck.
Alternatively, for something less brooding and a lot more light-hearted, join me HERE to write silly limericks:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf156636-0-15.html
Hope this helps! 
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"Those that wish to be clean, clean they will be; and those that wish to be foul, foul they will be." |
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CockneyRebel
Mick Avory, Sensitive brown-eyed Sweet Pea
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 38
Posts: 87149
Location: In a quiet and peaceful garden, where gentle Mick Avory-like Sweet Peas grow.
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fallen_angel
Raven
Joined: Jun 20, 2011
Posts: 121
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| Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 2:10 pm Post subject: |
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| I like your poem very much, thank you for sharing : ) |
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