Why do you parents feel the need to do this?

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Jamesy
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17 May 2011, 8:20 am

Why do parents always think there first born child needs a brother or sister?

You can say the same old thing "I do not want my first born to get lonely" but if your NT or even AS child got lonely they could go out and make friends and not have some annoying sibling pester them for most of thier childhood/teenager years or even adulthood. Think about it imagine having to live with somebody that annoyed all the time it would drive you nuts.

You can give me examples of success stories with siblings but there will be other cases were siblings do not get laong.

This question is though is kinda more aimed at parents who have NT kids not so much the children who have Aspergers.


I apologise in advance if i have upset or offended any parents but i feel the need to let this out.



momof1
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17 May 2011, 9:09 am

I don't think all parents feel this way. I only have one child. I'm not saying that I won't have any more. But if I do, it will be because I want another child. It won't have anything to do with giving my son a playmate or friend.



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17 May 2011, 9:24 am

Jamesy wrote:
Why do parents always think there first born child needs a brother or sister?

Think about it imagine having to live with somebody that annoyed all the time it would drive you nuts.



hmm.. preparation for marriage and parenthood perhaps?? :lol: lol I also just have the one.. people used to tell us we just had to have more but eventually they decided she would probably move out if we did.. she has been known to avoid other children since toddlerhood


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schleppenheimer
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17 May 2011, 10:20 am

I've had three children, all five years apart, so they are more like only children -- but spaced. When my youngest was born (and diagnosed as on the spectrum at about five years), he OFTEN complained that he didn't have a brother or a sister. He complained about this for years. Now, however, at aged 15, I'm sure that he's thrilled that he doesn't have a younger sibling (he probably would love to have an older one, relatively close to his age). He REALLY doesn't want to have children in the future, because he finds them incredibly annoying right now. But his older brother also felt this way about children when he was a teenager, and he loves kids now.

My only point is that, often, people change -- so you just never can rely on the fact that a child will want a sibling one way or another.



psychohist
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17 May 2011, 12:14 pm

Jamesy wrote:
Why do parents always think there first born child needs a brother or sister?

I think it's usually one of two things.

Sometimes it's just that the parent wants another child, but doesn't want to feel "greedy" by admitting that it's their own desire. Thus they talk about what their child "needs" rather than what they themselves want.

Often, though, it's that the parent remembers with happiness having a sibling to play with, and possibly loneliness when they didn't have one, if their parents didn't play with them instead. My wife definitely wanted a baby sister at age 3, and got one at age 4, so she thinks having siblings is important to children's happiness.



spectrummom
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17 May 2011, 12:46 pm

Sometimes siblings do well together, sometimes not so much. Most often, it's both.

We were told that there is nothing better for an AS child than a sibling -- a peeer who would be there long-term, usually with love, no matter what. Also someone with whom to learn conflict resolution and generally relating to someone close to their own age. Finally, having a sibling teaches kids that THEY are not the center of the universe -- an important lesson for all kids to learn. Sure, there are other ways to learn this, but nothing drives it home like a sibling.

In the long run, siblings can help adults navigate life, too. In the best cases, siblings are friends for life and help each other out. They act as back-up parents for your kids, they share responsibility for aging parents. They comfort each other when the parents die. Friends can do that as well, but even the best of friends are not like the sibling relationship.

That said, my sister and I are not the closest, so I know that it doesn't always work out for the best, but overall I'm glad I grew up with a sibling and I'm glad to have her as our kids grow and our parents age.



Jamesy
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17 May 2011, 1:43 pm

Well in my opinion you can get very good suppourt from your close friends as well as a sibling.

But yeah i can understand why having a sibling would be more important for someone with AS.

There are postives to having a brother or sister but at the same time there are A LOT of negatives esspecially if you have an older brother that DOMINATES and rules your life :(



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17 May 2011, 3:41 pm

We were planning on having one child, little did we know we'd have twins. :D

My guys are just beginning to build a relationship with each other, before they didn't really have the necessary skills and were more existing side by side without interacting too much except to get in each other's way/on each other's nerves. I really hope they will have a close bond as teenagers and adults.



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17 May 2011, 5:38 pm

My son is an only child. He is on the spectrum and at this point does not have very much interest in making any friends. He is almost 6 and has never expressed a desire for a playmate. I guess my husband and I give him enough attention that maybe he is content with this.

I had desperately wanted another child, but unfortunately got too late of a start for it to happen. I worry so much about my son being lonely in life after my husband and I have passed on. I have let it go to a degree because there is nothing I can do about it. I am just hopeful that one day my son will have a desire to have a friend.

I grew up with one sister, and we are very close, but I know that is not always the case. So I try to comfort myself with the idea that even if I had been able to have another, there was no guarantee that they would have gotten along. Either way, it is what it is.........



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17 May 2011, 6:46 pm

Because we don't plan our families assuming things are going to go wrong .. aka, the siblings are going to hate each other. We plan assuming our children will have one another as support. I have 3 siblings and 2 of them and I were very close. I'm closest to one of them now and I'm glad she's in my life. Also, siblings grow up to have children of their own so there's (potentially) always going to be family around. I have one child and as much as I don't want to have another, I do feel sad for him that when I pass on in life, he's going to be left alone. Due to his social challenges, I worry he might have a hard time making deep rooted connections with people .. which I know is what he wants.



Louise18
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17 May 2011, 7:31 pm

spectrummom wrote:
Sometimes siblings do well together, sometimes not so much. Most often, it's both.

We were told that there is nothing better for an AS child than a sibling -- a peeer who would be there long-term, usually with love, no matter what. Also someone with whom to learn conflict resolution and generally relating to someone close to their own age. Finally, having a sibling teaches kids that THEY are not the center of the universe -- an important lesson for all kids to learn. Sure, there are other ways to learn this, but nothing drives it home like a sibling.

In the long run, siblings can help adults navigate life, too. In the best cases, siblings are friends for life and help each other out. They act as back-up parents for your kids, they share responsibility for aging parents. They comfort each other when the parents die. Friends can do that as well, but even the best of friends are not like the sibling relationship.

That said, my sister and I are not the closest, so I know that it doesn't always work out for the best, but overall I'm glad I grew up with a sibling and I'm glad to have her as our kids grow and our parents age.


This was a lesson which I wasn't prepared to learn-to the detriment of my sister's childhood and mine.



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17 May 2011, 8:00 pm

We only have the one and I sometimes feel pretty lousy about it because I think he's very lonely and desperately wants and needs a sibling. Though it might not be what he expects. My own relationship with my sister was largely negative for most of our childhood and I still feel like we barely understand each other.


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17 May 2011, 10:46 pm

I was an only child and hated it. I figure most people want what they don't have, so maybe if I had siblings I would be saying I wished I was an only child. That said, my mom focused on me. There was no distraction, no hiding and no avoiding. When she got cancer and died when I was 32, I had sole responsibility of caring for her while I had a 4 year old, was pregnant, worked full time and my husband travels for his job ALL THE TIME!! ! She had brain cancer, so she often wasn't rational and really had to be taken care of. It was a nightmare.

While today I'm sure I wouldn't be diagnosable with AS, I have so many social deficits, that there are no close friends to help me through the tough stuff, I have no idea how to have those kinds of friendships. My husband and kids are everything to me. I think that the lessons you learn living with a sibling may have been helpful. But who knows, maybe not.



momsparky
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17 May 2011, 10:47 pm

I don't think all parents feel this way, first of all - particularly parents of kids on the spectrum; it's a common enough occurrence to be statistically significant that there are parents who stop having children after having a child on the spectrum. I, myself, didn't feel I could be a good mother to another child.

I did, initially, want another child so that my son could have a sibling...but I eventually realized that this was the only reason I wanted a child, which didn't strike me as being particularly fair to the child in question, so we decided against it. Nature gave us a push in that direction, anyway (keep in mind that not all siblings are planned.) I have a good relationship with my brother, as my husband does with his, despite both of us having characteristics (at least) of autism. I think a sibling relationship can be a very good think for a child, spectrum or not.

I worry that there are some lessons my son will have to learn from his spouse very late in life that he could have learned from a sibling: how to share space, how to negotiate, how to stand up for yourself. These are difficult lessons for parents to teach, and although not all kids learn these lessons from their siblings, I think many do.



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17 May 2011, 11:06 pm

I can't imagine not having siblings. Outside of my parents, they are the only people that I've been able to count on my entire life, who have been there through thick and through thin, from when I was little to when I got older. Who know almost everything.

Friends just aren't the same. They aren't always there, all sorts of life phases. I'm not good at making my friendships transcend moves across states, marriage, kids, work changes, and so on. Sure, I keep in touch with many of them ... but only lightly. We don't make sure we see each other every month, whether we're 25 or 50. But my family ... that stays.

My sisters split the aging parent duties with me. They'll be there when mom is gone. They were natural and easy selections for bridesmaids and Godparents.

If there are cousins around, that can fill in for siblings. But there aren't very many cousins for my children, and the ones they have are across the country. Growing up, all of mine were overseas.

So of course I wanted that for my son. Why would I not want to know there will be someone he will always know is there? And he wanted a sibling. Very much so. Lol, OK, once he realized what it REALLY meant, he wasn't so sure, but siblings are a good thing.

I find it odd on an Aspie board that someone is suggesting friends can take the place of siblings ... my son finds his friendships to be the most stressful thing in his life. Far more than his sister. Close friendship is hard for many Aspies. It certainly is for my son. But his sister ... sure, she pushes his buttons. But she'll also always be there for him, when it really counts, unlike fickle friends.


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CockneyRebel
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17 May 2011, 11:31 pm

My parents had my sister three years after they had me. We got along pretty well, until I started high school. I started liking the 60s and my sister just had to keep up with the latest fashions, trends and Top 40 songs of the day. She was also very sarcastic about the 60s and 70s. Talk about having no empathy for your older autistic sister who has trust issues and probably no decent friends at all. I guess that parents expect the best od a multiple child household and they sometimes end up with a scenerio almost like the one that I've mentioned. Each family is different.


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